It's all fun and games until you say it to someone who happens to be a cop and then he takes it as evidence of guilt for some unspecified crime so he begins stalking and harassing you and making your life hell until you have a mental breakdown and then he books you for disorderly conduct.
I was going to say that I say “occupied” because I’m used to Spanish “ocupado.” Up until then I was never sure in English despite it being my first language.
I don't know if it was intentional, but I like how your riddle option feels like you are so disappointed that nobody ever gets all 3 riddles from "answer these riddles three" and in your loneliness you have just dropped 2 of the riddles and the last remaining riddle is so basic that you can take just about any response as a correct answer.
<cassius_clay13> so I was with my friend bryan the other night in a bar
<cassius_clay13> well he got really drunk and said he was gonna puke
<cassius_clay13> so i helped him walk to the toilet
<cassius_clay13> all the stalls were occupied
<emoti_conartist> lol
<cassius_clay13> bryan is a rugby player... so a big guy
<cassius_clay13> so he fucking KICKS one of the stall doors open
<cassius_clay13> and there's this guy in there taking a shit
<emoti_conartist> hahahahahaha
<cassius_clay13> and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM
<cassius_clay13> then (this is genius) bryan thinks 'oh shit... if i were taking a shit and someone came in and was sick all over me, i'd want to fuck him up... so i'd better hit him first'
<cassius_clay13> so he fucking SMACKS this guy in the face
<cassius_clay13> and runs away
<cassius_clay13> imagine being that guy... WORST NIGHT OUT EVER
When I met my to-be brother-in-law for the first time 9 years ago (he was 19 then, for context), he was in a public restroom. My to-be mother-in-law called in and said "Hey bub, you in there?"
"Hey, mom. Yea. I'm poopin'!"
"Okay. This is KryptonianCodeMonkey."
"Hi, kryptonianCodeMonkey! I'm poopin'!"
Then I went to pee at the urinal next to his stall and he announced, "Hey, I have shoes just like those."
Not a city slicker perhaps Spacey? :) Key could be behind the counter, with the employee; could be electronically unlockable by employee.
(Guess I don’t want to make a person waste time asking an employee, esp if they come back to a couple people now in line.) “Come back with a warrant” is too good to miss an opportunity on now that I read it in one of the top comments here!
Ahh… 5-20% of the time! Most commonly seen on portable toilets, the most horrible brand name of which is “Honey Bucket” (portajohn, portapotty more commonly said).
That design is vastly more common than any other, is it? In the 5-20%, it’s not red versus white dots, but some kind of indicator period. May say “Occupied” and rotate to blank, for instance.
Probably most rare is indicators on individual stalls within a larger single gender restroom. (Indicators on single-occupancy bathrooms are the thing you’ll see if any.)
I've used a very wide array of urban bathrooms over the past several decades. People are not smart. People can and will keep trying to open a locked door and need reassurance that someone else is in there already shitting. Silence does not accomplish this; "come back with a warrant," which I also saw, is going to be my new go-to as well, replacing the tired old "occupied" - which, while it got the job done, I now feel was too dry.
I just say "occupied" with a certain degree of annoyance like "I'm in here now and I know you're out there and I'll do my best to be out shortly but my body might do some weird stuff and I'll be in here as long as I need to be".
This is why you always hold a little reserves on the public throne. Once someone comes a knockin' you unleash the beast and make sure you get some of that bowl resonance reverb. They will say something like "OHHHH!!" and walk away shamefully.
I assume they are seeking information beyond just the obvious fact that I'm already occupying the stall. I will attempt to be charitable and volunteer how many more minutes I believe I'll be
But what's weird is that 99% of the time I have no idea what to say in any given situation, but this public restroom scenario just came naturally to me one day and still comes naturally to me every time. That's weird isn't it? Like I'm only comfortable & functional in the most uncomfortable situations 🤦🏼♀️
Big Joe Grizzly: Hey, buddy, just to give you a heads up, I got a taco supreme talking back at me, so I'm going to be a while. So do you mind waiting somewhere else and let me pass this beast in peace?
[Michael knocks again]
Big Joe Grizzly: Look, brother... if you're looking for some kind of action, you better take it on the arches before I'm done dropping this load. Or you're going to be one sorry a-hole.
[Michael doesn't leave]
Big Joe Grizzly: Okay... you just hold on, Daisy. I've got something for you.
[unsheathes knife, opens door]
Big Joe Grizzly: Let me introduce myself. I'm Joe Grizzly, bitch. And I'm gonna cut that goddamn mask right off your face, you...
228 replies
“Come back with a warrant” is my go to, usually gets a chuckle.
I absolutely love this. Thank you.
It's all fun and games until you say it to someone who happens to be a cop and then he takes it as evidence of guilt for some unspecified crime so he begins stalking and harassing you and making your life hell until you have a mental breakdown and then he books you for disorderly conduct.
Hey if they want to collect my shit as evidence, that’s totally their prerogative and I just may enjoy the show.
Not with my poop. That’s why I bring a fish tank net and a plastic bag with me everywhere
That reminds me of this scene in venture bros
Www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2IDBJKU_t4
"Occupied"
"Fuck off"
"Go away, I'm 'batin'!"
I prefer
“OCCUPADO!”
Estoy cagando!
"I am fighting for my life in here"
“Come in!”
Followed by an earth-shattering shart
Why's he covering himself. We all wanna see.
"3D printing in progress"
That one is priceless. I'm taking it.
"Compiling!"
Core dumped
poopiendo
Occupado!
"Occupied" or "workin on it"
"Workin' on it" is perfect. I can't believe I've never heard that before!
"Hnnnggggg!"
In a hank hill voice
This is exactly what I do. But from the episode when they went to Mexico.
"Uh... Este Juan es occupado."
Makes me laugh every time, not sure about the other person.
"Occupado Senior"
*does not speak spanish
I was going to say that I say “occupied” because I’m used to Spanish “ocupado.” Up until then I was never sure in English despite it being my first language.
Gaza! I mean, occupied!
Shits fired!
"I've been waiting for you"
“Go away! Baitin’!”
"come in!"
This is my go to
All fun and games until your bluff gets called
It's no bluff
Occupied
"Come in, come in! I was just thinking of you!"
Simple "yo"
I do a loud, "eh, yo"
Ey yo? yo yo!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiWIOKKuyGE&%3Bt=9
Tú??
"Go away! I'm 'baitin!"
I like money
Ey I'm poopin' in here!
Occupado, Man
Password?
Hunter2
I think you said something but I only heard *******
I put on my robe and wizard hat.
Ken sent me
Iron and copper.
OccuuuuuuPAAAADDDDOOO
Occupado homey
"What's the password?"
"If my ass you wish to see, answer this riddle to me"
"I've got the stuff, do you have the money?"
I don't know if it was intentional, but I like how your riddle option feels like you are so disappointed that nobody ever gets all 3 riddles from "answer these riddles three" and in your loneliness you have just dropped 2 of the riddles and the last remaining riddle is so basic that you can take just about any response as a correct answer.
besetzt
Bin am kacken!
“This seat is taken” Forest Gump kids on the bus accent
Or “ok, but you’re gonna have to sit on my lap.”
I would like to share this timeless classic
Wow. Bryan sounds like a shit head. Good for him to keep stereotypes alive.
Just lads being lads, what a ledge 🤗
(The Lads on Tour movement needs to end fast)
Occupied????
Occupado
Occupied. It's the default answer. Rest is people making a bigger issue out of something so simple.
"I am the gatekeeper! Are you the keymaster?"
Just let loose a bloodcurdling scream
OCCUPADO
Australian with a nyc accent??
Occupied.
“Just as prophecy foretold, you have come. Enter and meet your destiny!”
You. I've seen you. Let me see your face. You are the one from my dreams. Then the stars were right, and this is the day. Gods give me strength.
Fuq orf am shiten
When I met my to-be brother-in-law for the first time 9 years ago (he was 19 then, for context), he was in a public restroom. My to-be mother-in-law called in and said "Hey bub, you in there?"
"Hey, mom. Yea. I'm poopin'!"
"Okay. This is KryptonianCodeMonkey."
"Hi, kryptonianCodeMonkey! I'm poopin'!"
Then I went to pee at the urinal next to his stall and he announced, "Hey, I have shoes just like those."
So, anyway... if your goal is to be memorable...
Did they meet because of you? I hope you told that story at their wedding.
When the story gives all the wrong details and none of the right ones.
Yes, come in?
Just leave the door open and nobody will knock
You're FINALLY here!
Sorry babe I’m flying solo today
"Come in!"
I always say "come in" - no one has ever tried to come in. 😂
farts loudly
Tomorrow happens to be my birthday.
Your comment reminds me to get an air horn...
📯
I say “occupado!” And I’m not even Spanish
"Estoy Poopin!"
Works better to tell them you're embarrassed, or "embarazado" en español 😉
“GO AROUND”
Classic Mitch Hedberg. Its this or 'Ocupado' in a tiny high pitched voice every time.
I laugh every time.
"The hole is in the right wall."
"Come back with a warrant!"
If they knock: a polite "I'll be out in a moment"
If they bust in like some kind of shitting Kool-Aid man: a cheerful "HOWDY!" with sustained eye contact.
Me estoy cagando
A vocalisation of the Family Fortunes incorrect answer noise is my reply of choice.
Besetzt
KEIN ZIMMER FREI! 🇩🇪🇩🇪🇩🇪
Come on in
I've passed 40 and I still just remain silent
That's the right move. The door is locked, they'll figure it out
People are not smart.
Not a city slicker perhaps Spacey? :) Key could be behind the counter, with the employee; could be electronically unlockable by employee.
(Guess I don’t want to make a person waste time asking an employee, esp if they come back to a couple people now in line.) “Come back with a warrant” is too good to miss an opportunity on now that I read it in one of the top comments here!
Do you guys not have the red and white dots on the lock, signifying occupancy?
You have locks on the doors?
Ahh… 5-20% of the time! Most commonly seen on portable toilets, the most horrible brand name of which is “Honey Bucket” (portajohn, portapotty more commonly said).
That design is vastly more common than any other, is it? In the 5-20%, it’s not red versus white dots, but some kind of indicator period. May say “Occupied” and rotate to blank, for instance.
Probably most rare is indicators on individual stalls within a larger single gender restroom. (Indicators on single-occupancy bathrooms are the thing you’ll see if any.)
I've used a very wide array of urban bathrooms over the past several decades. People are not smart. People can and will keep trying to open a locked door and need reassurance that someone else is in there already shitting. Silence does not accomplish this; "come back with a warrant," which I also saw, is going to be my new go-to as well, replacing the tired old "occupied" - which, while it got the job done, I now feel was too dry.
You're risking this:
https://youtu.be/JsthkWOCJn4
Been wondering about that, why do the Americans put such enormous gaps at the bottom of the bathroom stalls?
"C'mon in, water's great!"
“Not sure you’re gonna want this”
"Come on in, I kept the seat warm for you"
"Our cheeks have shared the same seat. We are butt brothers."
There’s no toilet paper. Have you got change for a $20?
Sure. You prefer quarters or nickles?
Half dollars, ideally.
Sing! 🎶"Another one bites the dust... And another one down, another one down, Another one bites the dust,
... I'm gonna get you, too, Another one bites the dust.. "🎶
Then fart to the beat
I prefer "Push it" by Salt-N-Pepa
I haven't found a reason to say anything.
Real wise guy over here
I just say "occupied" with a certain degree of annoyance like "I'm in here now and I know you're out there and I'll do my best to be out shortly but my body might do some weird stuff and I'll be in here as long as I need to be".
I get anxious and accidentally say "Ocupado" more then half the time, even though English is my first language and I failed Spanish.
Lol. I forgot I used to say that too! It's even better because it makes the person outside think you don't speak English.
"¿DONDE ESTA LA BIBLIOTECA?
Wordless scream, works every time. Also laugh afterword.
"Full!"
"almost empty!"
"I feel lighter!"
Occupado
Don’t say anything, make a loud fart sound.
Hmm now that you say that, nobody’s mentioned clearing your throat
Knock back
"Go Around"
opens door Step into my office, have a seat. Can I get you a coffee?
How chunky should it be?
I uh... I said "Hello there." It was instinct.
I'm a little sad they didn't say "General Kenobi" but you can't win them all.
I sense a plot to destroy the toilet bowl
Ask them if they want to play battle shits?
If we're thinking of the same movie, those "British" accents were so bad that they've stuck with me for 20 years.
I saw the movie ONCE
I understoon that reference.
Green Wing?
A high pitched scream of terror.
Loud moan
"Who's there?"
An ear splitting screech works just fine
"oh good you're finally here!"
I shit louder.
Let the butt-song echo through the porcelain trumpet, that it might sound through the heavens.
Summon the butt-cracken.
Theoden: Yes. Yes! The horn of Helm Hammerhand shall sound in the deep...one last time!
Gimli: Yes!
[runs off to blow the horn]
"Only works if we take turns!"
"Who's there?"
"No solicitors"
"I'm full"
Lawyer turns red and openly shits themselves
"Who is it?" is my go to.
Password?
Giving credit is cool.
I stole this shitpost from reddit (as always) and the username was already censored
I threw your image at https://tineye.com/ and found the uncensored version.
"welcome! please have a sit"
Want some ?
Now, this is a proper shitpost if I ever read one.
"Fuck off" making sure to shout it as loud as the knock.
Still racking up give me a minute
"Just a sec, I'm doing the paperwork!"
What is it now?
Yeah that's right
"Nein! Ich habe farfrompoopen!"
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=farfrompoopen
"Daddy?"
Yuuuup
I just say "What?" Firm but kind. Unless you are yanking on the door then it's "WHAT?"
"Enter".
Or with a flare "Avanti!".
You just knock back, louder.
Bonus points if it's Babadook-style
🤌
"Shitter's full!"
"IT'S NOT FOR SALE"
You may be wondering why I asked you to come here today.
I only know crazily trying to open the door, because they don't know what a locked door means...
Jerry get the door!
YEO!! Then I do my best to hurry because I know what it's like to have a bathroom emergency.
Occupado is my go to
I didn't say anything, I put my full faith in the lock. If that isn't enough of a hint then it's their problem.
THANK GOD, I NEED A WITNESS!
"STOP! STOP! YOU'RE MAKING IT GO BACK IN!!"
"busy"
slight pause
"With myself"
"It's the REINFORCEMENTS! HUZZAH!"
This is why you always hold a little reserves on the public throne. Once someone comes a knockin' you unleash the beast and make sure you get some of that bowl resonance reverb. They will say something like "OHHHH!!" and walk away shamefully.
Sup
shits and screams
Go away, senator
I lay on a thick country accent and say "Oc-Yew-Pod-Oh!"
"There's no door on this side, go around!"
"Cover charge is $10"
Say nothing but try to get eye contact through the gap
"Aye, come in, I was just getting the place ready for you!"
Usually just go with "nope" or some such.
Try "Yes, and..." next time. That's the #1 rule.
Who's there?
"Nope"
"DON'T ANSWER!"
... Well, uh, you can say nearly anything and they'll go away.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
The Jakes is occupied
Get out while you still can!
estoy pooping
I assume they are seeking information beyond just the obvious fact that I'm already occupying the stall. I will attempt to be charitable and volunteer how many more minutes I believe I'll be
Best answer I found even though I don't remember to apply it: just knock back.
This happened to me more than once in... Bulgaria, I think? It was a long time ago.
OCCUPIED!
But what's weird is that 99% of the time I have no idea what to say in any given situation, but this public restroom scenario just came naturally to me one day and still comes naturally to me every time. That's weird isn't it? Like I'm only comfortable & functional in the most uncomfortable situations 🤦🏼♀️
I usually shout "one minute", "just a moment" or "in here". For some reason people like to try the door again when i say "one minute", though.
No room at the Inn, Mary
https://youtube.com/shorts/-5znisTn5IQ?is=KzBrkK-wTAgMOM1z
"whatcha want?"
Just ask for help
Start a conversation, with all that.
Just start screaming unhingedly.
cough loudly
Let's get ready to rumble.
Will you help me hide a body?
I just say Come In
Poop Patrol!
Occu-poo-do
Moan silently and rhythmically and make some rustling noises?
[Michael knocks on stall door]
Big Joe Grizzly: Hey, buddy, just to give you a heads up, I got a taco supreme talking back at me, so I'm going to be a while. So do you mind waiting somewhere else and let me pass this beast in peace?
[Michael knocks again]
Big Joe Grizzly: Look, brother... if you're looking for some kind of action, you better take it on the arches before I'm done dropping this load. Or you're going to be one sorry a-hole.
[Michael doesn't leave]
Big Joe Grizzly: Okay... you just hold on, Daisy. I've got something for you.
[unsheathes knife, opens door]
Big Joe Grizzly: Let me introduce myself. I'm Joe Grizzly, bitch. And I'm gonna cut that goddamn mask right off your face, you...
Comedian Shawn Reynolds has an answer
https://youtu.be/H2RqPCpn5YQ?is=LICYcwCXPw98fXeB