Children who grew up teaching themselves because nobody had time to teach them often become adults who are extraordinarily competent and quietly resentful
Does anyone else see themselves in this article?
https://geediting.com/j-a-children-who-grew-up-teaching-themselves-because-nobody-had-time-to-teach-them-often-become-adults-who-are-extraordinarily-competent-and-quietly-resentful-that-their-independence-was-born-from-neg/Open linkView original on lemmy.world515
Comments102
Don't forget the chronic depression, crippling trust issues, and being perpetually single due to said trust issues...
Listen, I'm trying to doomscroll, not read my psych eval.
Note you can doom scroll your psych eval and have the worst of both worlds!
Don't need to read the article. Got shit from my father for using rivets when I should've used screws on my car. "Didn't anyone ever teach you anything?" he said. No shit cunt, YOU didn't.
You should know better.
Well, you should teach better....
You should have learned it before. You’re so lazy!
Right?
My dad when my mom did absolutely anything: "Noooo you can't do that why would you bla bla bla"
My dad when my mom wants to know how to do something: "..." crickets chirping
This is garbage.
I'll skip you a read, the article does not present data to support any of the statements in the title. Nor in the subtitle. It does however present multiple ads and popups.
This is your friendly neighborhood ego-appealing only-10%-higher-iq-can-solve-this-game article with "research" from psychologytoday, autocitation, and articles that do not even discuss what is being stated. This writing style underscores how the usage of AI to create engaging articles and foster a diverse community- what I mean is that thing is either written with AI intervention or by someone who reads them so much that they write like them.
Mental health is a real issue, that should be handled with real information, not this kind of fanfiction.
I'm sure this would make a nice action movie introduction.
Also comes with crunchy bits of quantum neural vibrations.
I'm not going to comment everything, but this is garbage.
Yeh I suppose the quietly resentful is wrong. For you at least XD
gottem
Idk but the deconstruction is blissful
Can confirm.
Protip to not become a resentful adult: Vent and vent often. Keeping that shit bottled up is the starting breeding ground for most of today's personality disorders.
Quiet resentment eventually begets external aggression.
For me the quiet resentment has begotten a wicked dark humour, which I'm generally good with 😏
People tell me I'm hilarious all. the. time. Wish I was actually that happy.
They say the clown is often the saddest person in the room. It's certainly true for me as well
begat*
sense of* (unless, like the former, your medical treatments are from the Renaissance)
Vent, but work to heal the underlying trauma. I've definitely met people with personality disorders that vent constantly, but they don't actually work on healing the damage and developing orthopraxia. If your perception of self or others seems destructive (even if you feel it's true) try discussing it with a professional. Maybe there's no issue, but maybe you'll get some tools to keep you from engaging in destructive behavior
There have been a ton of studies over the last several years that show that venting doesn't work, and can sometimes even make things worse. Not trying to invalidate your own experience, but this probably isn't the best advice for everyone.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0272735824000357
Or just surround yourself with competent and responsible people, and shut out incompetent and irresponsible ones out of your life so you don't have anyone to resent.
How does that happen, exactly? Asking for a friend.
You just do it. If someone is continually incompetent, stop interacting with them.
Tell me you're < 30 without giving away the number. 🥴
I'm 44
Happy for you to have something come so easily to you that many of us are genuinely struggling with. Thanks for the locker room clarity, coach.
I don't understand the graphic.
It's about the survivor bias
In this instance the military tracked where on the planes that came back but had received significant damage. The idea being to reinforce the parts where they never have damage . The planes that take damage there don't come back.
My understanding is the initial plan was to reinforce where all the bullet holes had occurred. It was then pointed out that the planes were able to return with these bullet holes. Planes weren't returning where there were no bullet holes (i.e. clear space on the picture) so those areas should be reinforced to improve survivability.
It's an illustration from the origins of the theory of survivor bias. Here's an article:
https://www.warhistoryonline.com/war-articles/abraham-wald.html
The poster is implying that not all of these children "become adults who are extraordinarily competent and quietly resentful" because it doesn't include the people who aren't successful in overcoming the adversity.
We're not all resentful, we just hate the people who refuse to advance themselves and adhere to some level of learned helplessness as their nominal state
When I date I meet women who are almost 40 who are still dependent on their elderly parents for basic adult shit, including paying basic bills like rent and food. They have minimal life skills of an adult. They just call up their dad and ask him to pay for someone to fix their car or mow their law, or he himself is still doing it for them.
It's pathetic. These people have good jobs too, they are just leeches. If you suggest that may they should do things on their own... they attack you, sometimes violently.
Man... maybe that's why a lot of dates feel like a job interview these days.
Those are people who looking for an employee instead of a relationship and think they are the 'boss' of the relationship.
I think you're potentially looking at this wrong. They might be dependent.... Or they might be in COMMUNITY with their families.
If they're in their 40's their parents are in their 60's-70's. Is it possible these adults have a relationship of give and take where they each lean on the other for different things? Maybe her dad takes care of car maintenance for the family, her mom manages medical needs and she manages other aspects of their shared lives?
Although it's certainly possible, I find it hard to believe parents of a 40 year old are somehow coerced or guilted into an unfair arrangement.
Maybe we have different life experiences in this regard...
no dude. having your 65+ year old father do physical labor for you is dick move if you are 35. or asking him for money to pay your bills when you have a 150K job, but you want to spend your money on yourself.
don't worry, they are more than glad to let me know they have never lifted a finger for themselves their entire lives and they expect me to fill in as their father figure. because they are 'too special' to be functional adults and they are 'poor fragile women' who need a big strong daddy to pay their mortgage for them.
the parents aren't blameless, obviously. they have enabled their daughter's spoilt princess attitude, but as an adult it's a mark of maturity to grow up and stop the child-like interactions you had with your parents. you are suppposed to start taking care of them.
Forcing him to do physical labour is a dick move if you're 35. Your dad offering because he wants you to be safe and enjoys doing it? How is allowing him to do that a dick move? Sounds like the anger is coming from an assumption here.
I'm sure you have more examples, there are a lot of people out there that aren't very independent, I just don't think this was a good example because of that assumption. Also your language makes you sound bitter, which doesn't help your case.
No, it's coming from experience of dealing with people like this for years now. Who are enabled by a society that rewards victimhood and self-pity rather than shaming it.
Aight your loss
I have a friend who does this. As far as my interactions with him go, he asks for help before attempting to solve a problem himself. He's done well in his career so I assume he's gotten better since we lived together in college.
Knowing who to ask for help in what situation is a valuable skill, one that is essential for managers. So it makes sense that he would do well in his career.
I'm married to someone who had to be the adult and take care of her family (siblings and mother) starting age 11.
My wife is unstoppable. But she expects adults to be adults, because she had to figure out how to be one by herself. And that's where the resentment comes in.
That's how I feel. I don't have empathy for people who are over 25 who act like children. And yet people tell me I 'lack empathy' for someone throwing a temper tantrum in public over some perceived slight or their hamburger having 1 less pickle they think it should.
But I just end the relationship. I can't respect people who refuse to take responsibility for themselves. Once I realize they aren't going to do that, I am no longer interacting with the person. And there is a significant number of people who go through life never taking responsibility for their actions and blaming other people for their mistakes. What I can't understand is why other people like those people... but often they do because they are charming on the surface.
What kind of responsibilities? What you see as responsibilities might be unnecessary things for other person
the idea that actions have consequences.
look at ozempic. everyone loves it at first! miracle drug for weight loss! but the issue is... people go it, then go off it, and gain the weight back because they have changed nothing about their lifestyle. They have just tried to cheat the consequences of their choices rather than doing the hard work of changing their lifestyle.
so unless people plan to stay on ozempic the rest of their life... the will still be subjected to being overweight because that is what they have chosen. a responsible person chooses to chane their life style. an irresponsible person complains and whines about how hard their life is because they are fat and they can't stop eating bad foods.
No, i'm taking about people who use it to lose weight without having to diet or exercise. not diabetes patients who use it for it's intended purpose instead of it's side-effects.
people who use it this way are not supposed to use it long term, let alone the rest of their life. they simple see it as something to use for six months, drop the weight, and then go right back to where they were six months ago.
Maybe they have a mental problem and other stress factors and it is hard to break the cycle? Maybe they dont mind being fat?
Yeah that was me as a kid. 1-2 siblings, parents worked 7am-6pm or later, and mom travelled a lot for work. I did all my own stuff starting at ~6yo, cooking/cleaning/laundry by 8yo, caring for my baby siblings starting at 11yo (including overnight childcare).
I don't resent anyone for it (no cope, I think my childhood was good overall). Parents both started from absolutely zero and became very successful. Both parents were loving and supportive. But I definitely am left with the feeling that if I can't handle something, someone else will either do it incompetently or not think to do it at all.
That attitude has not yielded lots of friends or the support I probably need. People assume I don't need anything and I don't know how to ask.
My parents were both raised the same way and also turned out that way.
In my many decades of experience, the only people who can do it competently are going to charge a fuck of a lot of money for their time, and even with an expensive contractor, it's 60:40 they'll do it right.
Mechanics will replace the entire cooling loop and sensors in a car to make an extra grand. HVAC techs will charge you an extra Benjamin to replace a contractor along with the capacitor, just in case it was a problem.
Sadly, my wife's parents did not make any effort to make her life better. Her dad is just a terrible person (abusive, neglectful, narcissistic, all the classics) and her mom is narcissistic, angry, hateful, and worst of all, helpless. She can walk around and do things but... She won't. She will instead demand to be helped, fed, dressed, bathed, she needs the tv turned on, and she expects you to read her mind. When we were dating I remember her mom literally yelling at her for a week because my wife grabbed the wrong flavor of ramen noodles. She wasn't told which flavor to get.
My wife is not only unstoppable, she is a saint. I can't believe she married me.
your wife's expectations are so low that your basic respect and competent and communication probably make you seem like a saint to her.
I'd kill to meet a partner who was just... a decent human being. I have had no such luck. Everyone I have dated lies, manipulates, and acts like a toddler when it comes to emotional stuff. They left zero room in the relationship for me to have my own life. Being single for the past 6 years has been amazing because I have actually been able to achieve things without the dead weight of a needy and useless partner who contributes nothing to the relationship in terms of adult responsibilities.
my parents weren't that bad but they were similar in their helplessness and refusal to take responsibility for anything and their blaming of everyone else.
Add undiagnosed ADHD and ASD to that and you've got a great recipe for life full of struggle, anxiety, identity issues, bonding issues, the list goes on. You keep wondering how everyone else is so cheerful with everything that's going on within your own life. Not to say you can't escape it, but it is lifelong hard work.
The ones who succeed maybe, plenty of people are broken or malformed by the experience. A child raising itself, especially in poverty or resource scarce environments, will make many harmful mistakes that hinder them their entire life.
I was going to point out the survivor's bias.
I remember being a child and finding a book called "How To Do Nothing With No One All alone By Yourself."
I enjoyed the book, but wondered about the people who would need that book.
https://bookshop.org/p/books/how-to-do-nothing-with-nobody-all-alone-by-yourself-a-timeless-activity-guide-to-self-reliant-play-and-joyful-solitude-robert-paul-smith/fdef205eb5d3a604?ean=9781941040652&next=t
My pass time game is to pick two random movie stars from different eras and put them in a movie together.
Rose McGowan and Jimmy Cagney, for example.
that sounds like a delightful book. i wish i had it... uh...30 years ago? i had a month where disease gave me essentially solitary confinement. i ate, pooped, slept, and stared out the window until i went insane. i have not yet ventured back through that red barrier.
Feel better.
nah it's more fun being insane
If you're insane, then feel much, much better.
noooooooooooo
Was latchkey kid with add. I only move in predicability. Work, relationships friendships all work because I can predict their behavior.
And hilariously enough I've gravitated into being a Dominant in a D/s relationship. Because if you can control it, you can predict it. (It's consensual)
Also... Therapy kept me from being resentful.
Grew up teaching myself, except that my childhood was traumatic. Narcissists, drug users, abandonment, etc. Grew up expecting harm from others unless I gave them what they want. Also highly sensitive to the idea of fairness and perceived rejection (neurodivergence or trauma responses).
Service top. In control, but doing what others want. Needs reassurance and an expression of desire while in control of other people.
Partner selection is a pain in the ass.
Please don’t @ me like that.
Emancipated at 16. Had to take my younger brother with me. I am so much better for it but it was a massive struggle.
Omg you are such a good sibling... my older brother would totally just leave me to die 😭
So how was it meeting Tony Hawk?
lemmy users are a collection of high iq free thinking individuals who are extraordinarily competent.
Honestly I kinda like it. It's classic Reddit energy.
I bathe in this smugness. With this, I am euphoric.
I am extremely competent at leveling a druid to lvl 60 in hardcore classic wow, I'm an average gamer besides that and a failure for anything else. AMA
yeah... about that...
(still financially dependent (and emotionally attached to my mother since I never felt confident to explore the world on my own and make friends))
As for the resentment...
You have no idea how much I just hate my birth country.
I have this fantasy of having a perfect relationship with my mother but its this stupid ass ultra-conservative culture that destroyed that could've been.
Every time I my mom yells at me... every time I have conflict with family... I just can't stop thinking: I fucking hate China, fucking toxic culture
I kinda feel like all this shame of my depression is like the spirits of my ancestors taunting me, calling me a coward for not being able to just "be strong" or whatever the fuck that means... so I just hate that country as a proxy to hating my parents... whom I don't really want to hate... so I blame the culture, the country instead... the toxic culture robbed me of my relationship with my family of origin...
And for that, I will forever hate China... I never wanna re-visit that place ever again...
Who the fuck even wanna deal with the firewall bullshit and censorship on top of it? Jeez... I rather face my risks in the US of ICE or whatever, at least if I get shot by ICE, I would actually get sympathy... in China, they'd call me a lazy loser and totally ignore the existence of depression... and at least I could binge watch youtube in the US... China has zero media and is boring af... idk how people even survive the boredom...
Fuck CCP, Fuck Confucious, Fuck "Filial Piety"
/end rant
I don't want this to come off wrong or as condescending, but if you have access to a therapist there in China, I humbly suggest you seek out their advice. They might help you sidestep some of the cultural hurdles you feel are in the way of what you want.
They're in the US, but I appreciate your kindness.
My family emigrated and I'm currently in the US, where thankfully there is more acceptance for mental health issues.
And yes I'm in the process of getting help for depression... I did an intake last month... I had an evaluation today on a virtual appointment... but idk how long this shit is gonna take...
Next appointment is like... 2 weeks from now...
Idk why they keep repeatedly asking similar questions... ugh...
I can now see why people sometimes get desparate and start "talking" to an "AI" (aka: LLMs)
Also, often while you were teaching us, we learned leasons that were not part of your teaching plan.
Compentent? Maybe. Resentful, yeah I'm working on it okay.
I have been asked on more than one occasion by folks who have heard enough of my story to know what I’ve come through how I managed to come through it, and my response is steadfastly: “Because I had to.”
There’s no great secret. No deep well of reserves. You just keep going.
It’s not exactly healthy, nor does it make one the most happy person. You unlearn what you can, when you can, or try to, anyway.
You shove it all down, and keep going.. Then wonder why you develop so many health issues in your mid to late 30s.
also great amount of luck and privilege helps
Not me being constantly told that I lack common sense when the reason why I'm being told those things is that I believe that people have value and should be treated with kindness by default, or that things can get better.
If your common sense does not include those things, I don't want to have anything to do with it.
Can you please not write/post articles about me? I'm feeling targeted.
Stop seeing me
Even worse is when adults actively deny teaching you something basic like washing clothes or cooking food, always saying "Leave it to me". I am very resentful of that
Ugh, I felt this. My sperm donor would "take over" anytime I asked for help, which led me to hating asking for help as an adult
And when you do get help, it of course comes with strings attached and you've got to spend the next 6 months dancing blind in a field of landmines waiting for the help you received to be thrown back your face and detonated.
To this day, people just rip things out of my hands and say "you are doing it wrong! Let me".
I'm not really resentful bacause of that. I just have fond memories of learning alone. It was lonely trying to relate with others what I was doing with my day, but it didn't stop it from being fun.
Your enviroment is the issue. Change the enviroment change the person. If you are feeling a little edgy work on your great escape. Money sucks but keep your eyes peeled and take it. I got detangled before and escaped traps... I can do it again. They say you can't but you can. They are all phoneys
Reminds me of one of my favorite stickers:
For some issues that's the case, but also wherever you go, there you are. Sometimes the solution to your problem is to change yourself in a way that enables you to thrive in the environments in which you're most suited to thriving
Most useful stuff I know if because of the internet, so it's pretty goated for that. No squeaky doors in my house, you fuckass hinges, wikihow gave me a hammer and y'all are just puny nails /s
Schools should just expand the stuff they teach imo, for cases like that, because im pretty sure there will be a lot more kids just like them
I am NOT competent at all and still resentful :D
Also is the article any good or just speculation?
So, incompetent and loudly resentful. My people.
A lifetime of anxiety, avoidance, borderline abusive social connections, and not being able to connect with my own emotion until my mid thirties, reporting in.
Doing better these days, it's scary to ask for help. I've learned to choose the right kind of friends. So now when I'm brave enough to ask, they're available and listening.
Read the title: yeah, feels kinda true
Read the article: damn...
Hi, it's me! 👋
hey hey wtf. Why the fuck I'm being called out that way
This is me....sadly.
No
I feel very seen by this article lol
Ah, that is why he is incompetent and resenting me openly....
TV raised me