How abnormal is it for a mother to buy her son a fleshlight for his 18th birthday?
NSFW
The context makes it worse, but I’m just trying to gauge how fucked up normal people would find this, because being raised by this kind of person messed with my calibration.
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It depends - are their arms broken?
a semi obscure Reddit reference appears
It's an older meme, but it checks out.
14 years ago, just checked. Here's the link, just in case there's someone who never heard of this story:
https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nmmjr/iama_man_who_had_a_sexual_relationship_with_his/
jesus wtf did i just read…
A modern classic!
Direct link to the comment explaining it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/s/01ChPPKlkS
In that case why would they need a fleshlight?
Physical therapy tool for when their arms heal and mom is at work
You can mount them on a wall.
The mother?
Might need a big hook.
I... Uh... Might have been raised in a culture that is quite different from yours, but I'd say very abnormal.
It's entirely possible for a mother & son to have a loving, honest, and very Open relationship. They can discuss anything and be supportive.
Giving that kind of gift could fit right in with the dynamic. Or, a family could enjoy giving "gag gifts" and it could be one of those.
It does not have to be a weird or bizarre gift.
Yeah, context is very important. It goes from fucking weird, to funny depending.
I fall into the latter category. At one point while I was growing up my dad gave my recently-divorced aunt a glow-in-the-dark vibrator for Christmas, and everyone thought it was hilarious. My sister and I had to pretend we didn't understand what it was. Grandma I think maybe actually didn't know what it was.
I definitely also have known people who would be mortified to even hear that story, much less have it happen to them. It really does just depend on the dynamic.
Yeppers
True, fair, and open minded. But if that were the case, though, then the question wouldn't need to be asked.
This is rather high on the cringe list.
Very. When I want to get off, I don’t want my Mum involved.
Not even with broken arms?
Why must I keep being reminded of this :(
If anyone isn't familiar: they're referencing a rather touching story, definitely Google it.
::: spoiler Plsdont :::
Touching is the right verb.
Your poor mother with broken arms most certainly should'nt be involved.
this isn't reddit
This is the internet!
Haha I know a /r/neverbrokeabone member when I see one.
The only thing more fucked up is if you broke both arms.
Pretty weird.
That’s old enough they can buy their own.
Is it like a really passive aggressive sign mom doesn’t like their gf?
Ignoring context, it would be unusual, but not inherently worrying. There's plenty of mothers that help guide their daughters to an age appropriate sex toy, and some that will do the same for their sons. Rarer, there are fathers that will do so, but men have to worry more about external opinions about such. A mothers buys a dildo for their kid, the default assumption is that it's weird, but not bad. A father does it, and the default assumption is that he's over the line.
That being said parents should be the default source is advice about such things, because a bunch of young idiots (as opposed to old idiots) trying to advise each other about things they don't have much experience with is a recipe for hospital visits.
In terms of general purpose guidance, and funding/ordering sex toys, there's nothing wrong with a parent helping their kids in that way, assuming care is taken. There's even an argument to be made that verbal instructions on safe use are even to be encouraged, and helpful hints aren't exactly out of line (for real, a lot of young people masturbate in unhealthy ways that just a few sentences could prevent much trouble down the line).
In context, with the info you provided in comments, the mother in question is not being a good parent in this case, so it fits the word abnormal in the sense that it is unhealthy.
It's tough for me to imagine having a talk about sex toys with any of my differently-sexed kids in the future.
However, on the topic of safe use I have seen too many videos of surgeons removing a football-sized orc dildo from someone's ass. I think I would find the courage to at least mention the importance of a sufficiently-flared base, especially if I'm on the hook for their medical expenses. Also, the junk caught in the metal cock rings. I'm sure there are more examples.
It's a little weird for sure. But the whole "do not shove things into you that aren't fingers or designed for it" conversation is a lot less disturbing than the potential disturbance of that hospital visit. For that matter, it applies to the "don't shove yourself or rub yourself against anything not designed for it or on/in a consenting and legal human" as well.
I've known a few people that suffered injury from humping stuff that wasn't wise.
Also I'd believe that having an open and honest conversation about masturbation would also make it less awkward for the kid to tell their parent if something got stuck or they injured themselves, because if something like that happens, you'd want your kid telling you about that ASAP instead of hiding it or trying to solve it on their own out of embarassment, which could lead to even more problems, because no teen wants to go like "hey mom I got [mundande object that is absolutely not safe for that use] stuck in my ass/vagina" or "hey dad my dick got stuck in [object]"
Amen to that. Keeping a sense of open communication is vital while kids are going to be experimenting and exploring. Not just their bodies amd sexuality, but definitely for those.
One. One is the number.
That's a hell of a compilation video.
I'm going against the majority.
It can be made into a weird situation, but the act itself is pragmatic and likely comes from a caring place.
Every parent with a son knows that theyre buffing the helmet any chance they get as teenagers. They're gonna make messes, ruin washcloths, use all the hand lotion, etc. Any parent who thinks their son ain't beating their meat like it owes them money is delusional. Long before your kids get to masturbation age, the parent(s) should have talked about it. If you wait until they get to the age of shame, that is going to be an uncomfortable and unproductive conversation. If you have had an ongoing and open dialog about sex, masturbation, their bodies and other topics, talking about some of the details later will not be a taboo topic. Thusly if the parent offers a masturbatory device to the child, it won't be weird unless someone wants to make it that way. If the conversations have not taken place and you still want to get your kid a sex toy, you could just order something online and leave it for them without saying anything. You could also get them a gift card to the sex store so they can get something for themself. While I presume most teenage boys dont want to share their private acts of self - gratification with their parent, there is no reason why there cannot be practical honesty about them. Get your kid a sex toy, leave it in his room, and unless he wants to talk about it, assume that he will get many hours of satisfaction from it.
Giving their son a sex toy, whatever, not common, but it can help have a normal conversation about sex and realistic expectations.
For his birthday, kind of weird. I don't think it should so formal a thing. Just so it and have the conversation about safe sex and how porn isn't like real sex.
For his 18th, uhhhh little late to the party.
Okay but also giving a kid a sex toy before their 18th birthday is how you end up on a list and have to tell your neighbors about it.
I think most teens want parents who are caring and involved, but not in your face to this extent. They embarrass easy
I fully agree, this is a pragmatic gift if you kept your discourse about sexual topics open with your child from the beginning. I would've gone for a gift card so they can choose themselves in privacy, but it's fine either way.
For prudish families who learnt of this gift this would be gossip material for the next year tho. So many puritans in the US, the neighbors might be the biggest issue, so i would've kept it on the down low.
"Abnormal" is pretty clear - this isn't something I'd expect to see from one mom in a thousand - maybe ten thousand.
But so what? I doubt it's an unhealthy act or situation, so fuck those other 9,999 moms! Actually, don't - you have a fleshlight.
I’d be super curious to hear the context if you’re willing/able to share, but it all depends on the relationship between the mother and son. It strikes me as a bit weird and abnormal, and certainly embarrassing, but if you normally talk about sex in an open and healthy way with her, then this might not be as weird as it seems. Parents know their kids play with themselves, and it’s usually healthier to be open about it than to stigmatize it, but actively buying this kind of thing for her son is a bit much in my opinion…
He’s slightly intellectually disabled (if she had permitted him to have an education, he’d probably be normal) and she was obsessed with him. His sexuality was something that was very “open” to the family, like we all knew about his Megan Fox poster with a hole in it (which she bought for him) and the used tissues in his room were… excessive. Never cleaned up, could smell it in my room.
At one point he chased me and my younger sister around the house waving his penis at us.
I experienced something complicated from her, which toes the line around sexual abuse but isn’t as direct as “she diddled me.”
I’m of course the black sheep and have zero contact with anyone other than my sister now for having pointed out how weird/abusive the family dynamics were…
Dude, no. That is all super problematic.
Dude you buried the lede here.
I’m pretty sex positive and there are a lot of great suggestions from other users on how to make this a normal thing in normal dynamics…
But this makes it really weird
Agreed.
Both sides of my family are sex positive and a sex toy could work as a gag gift no problem.
We're talking Christmas white elephant (that's a present swap/steal thing) with adults only and sex toys/kits coming out.
In context this sounds like an abuse victim sadly.
He has been sexually abused by her, perhaps covertly. There is enough in what you described that if I was a mandated reporter, I'd be making a call. From what I know of CSA, he has multiple flags and signs of being sexually abused (nearly every sentence you wrote, actually). Kids don't run around with their genitals put like that, chasing people, unless they were abused. Literally every developmentally delayed perskn I've known to do that ended up being sexually abused. Did he bed wet or soil his bedding at night as well, well into older age, eg middle school age, when he shouldn't have been doing that?
Highly recommend, when you feel okay to do so, to look up emotional incest first, and parentification/adultification. That will explain how your mother has been grooming your brother to be her stand-in husband. The reason she didn't want him to go to school is because a husband her age wouldn't go to school (they are also full of mandated reporters - did she also avoid taking him to doctors and dentists?).
It sounds like your mom also had an emotionally incestuous relationship with you as well, so reading that material can be extremely "triggering" for you. My sincere condolences, it is very traumatizing. Reading about it can bring up old memories as your brain tries to organize old memories with this new information. Often people get tired, agitated, or even regress in age. Give yourself plenty of time to mentally adjust and read and lots of breaks outside walking around, ideally in nature, w eyeballs moving around and looking up at trees or clouds. OR you can try to play a game like Tetris afterwards (Tetris is specifically studied as being helpful for PTSD/trauma).
I will also rec the book The Borderline Mother, I'm not sure this applies to her at all, but my guess is that it does
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/1gle1x1/my_summary_of_understanding_the_borderline_mother/
And if it does, also recommend the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. Likely you already do much of this which is why you're the "black sheep" (aka you dont give her supply).
Oh, almost everything in that reddit post resonates with me over my experience with my mom.
That’s a lot to take in. Thanks for sharing. Oof
To be honest, opening this knowledge up can be overwhelming and can take years. Take your time with it. I still get new memories of abuse that my brain had sort of locked away, it gets easier to assimilate over time though once you have a good foundation/framework for the trauma. The 2 best things for you to remember, is that 1) your mom's traits are hers, not automatically yours or every mom's or every woman's, because she has her own mental illness that is just a "her" thing and 2) good rolemodels you had as a kid besides her, even teachers or therapists or TV personalities
Actually your first point is currently what I am worrying over. I went back and read through the whole thing but with me as a parent as the perspective and was trying to see if I am doing any of it as well.
I can’t stop reading and it’s midnight and I should stop reading. Lol. Feels like I opened a can of worms.
There's always tomorrow. It's a good sign you don't want to be like the person who hurt you and already differentiates you from them as a parent. You are already doing better than your mom by thinking that.
That "worms" feeling and the staying up late is because your brain is using histamine and adrenaline (plus other stuff) to make a lot of neural connections that were already close by. It will mildly restrict blood flow from smaller capillaries too. You can keep that busy or more switched off mentally by exercising and especially doing something that moves your eyes and the muscles under your eyes, eg face yoga. That gets the circulation going back into the small capillaries and helps you reset biochemically. Even just flexing your undereyes (like John Wayne squints) will encourage blood flow in your face and help.
It is a lot of work and pain now, but it is absolutely worth it to see through the bullshit and heal yourself. I am a happier person for it 1000%. It's worth it to be brave but go slow and don't push it. Take breaks.
Therapists can be hit or miss (a bad one is worse than no therapist), but you can find one that specializes in BPD that can help guide you (not that you per se have it, but they work with it a lot and can help you understand it really well). BPD, even residual fleas from parents, is VERY treatable with dialectal behavior therapy and talk therapy as long as the person wants to learn and the therapist is adequate (some aren't).
Thank you for all the responses, I promise I am reading it all I just don’t have much to say back and I think if I did it would mostly be trauma dumping.
I will genuinely try the face yoga. Anyways, thank you. I hope you continue to be happier :)
That does help explain the strangeness of the whole thing, thanks for sharing. Sounds like things were pretty tough for you, so I’m sorry for that.
It sounds like he is a bit oversexualized (not sure if that’s the right term), but it doesn’t seem like it’s anything too out of the ordinary for someone figuring themselves out. Many of us probably pushed things a bit too far when we were little, I certainly didn’t understand how uncomfortable it made people for me to run around the house naked when I was young. But we all test boundaries like that when we’re growing up, and usually the adults around us help us find the right boundaries, not stretch them.
So yeah, with that new context, giving a fleshlight to her 18 year old son is very odd, and does raise some red flags. Sounds like you made the right call cutting things off.
In that situation id say a fleshlight without a serious theraputic intervention on how to express sexuality in a healthy way is nothing but enabling very dangerous behaviors.
its extremely wierd, and getting close to oedipus/fruedian territory. maybe as a gag gift, if the son is doing something like porn, but even that is sitll wierd.
It's an unusual gift and would make most people incredibly awkward but there's nothing sinister in the act itself, absent of the context. People gift things like guns and alcohol and I would argue those do more harm.
between a scale of "giving your kid condoms and the talk on prom night" and "mother measures my penis every weekend at bath time” this is a solid "my mother bought me a fleshlight so I remember her every time I crank it".
Jesus dude...I'm sorry. and if you're into that shit...congratulations?
I remember watching this show dark side of the ring, and this one wrestler buff bagwell would get his mom to shave his asshole for him. Some people are weird
I could have gone my whole life not knowing this. now that I know....I must tell others, and progress the dark shame of humanity.
Same energy as grandad buying his grandson a sex doll. Make sure to not buy the Gazorpazorps Gwendolyn model.
Only if it's a present the size of a car in the garage and you invite everyone over to witness him unwrap it.
You know... Technically speaking there is probably much more incest in Utah than any other state.
No, it’s ok, it’s just soaking, which a lot of them are convinced doesn’t count
/s, in case it needs to be said
Isn't it jump humping now. Soaking with a friend jumping on the bed so your not the one doing it. Man the hurdles these people go through.
It's not out of the realm of possibility that it's normal for your family, but for most families that wouldn't be normal.
If you're family is open about being sex positive, if talking with your parents about masturbating wasn't weird as a teenager, then I don't think it's that weird of a college send off gift.
I didn't know what a fleshlight was and assumed OP misspelt Flashlight, assuming OP expected something bigger for their 18th birthday. Needless to say, the comments were quite confusing.
As far as societal norms go, a 9/10.
As far as actually being unhealthy? Depends. If this is a sex positive, giving you the tools you need, and being supportive type of thing, i would say this is unconventional but healthy. If it's some sort of personal involvement or insertion into your sex life, I would say this is very unhealthy.
Your mom getting involved in any sort of sexual topic can be really uncomfortable, but that doesn't make it wrong, it just needs to be in a healthy, mature, and appropriate way.
How about a card filled with 150 bucks. Then a joke on it....go by a fleshlight or take a girl out on a date. Happy Birthday!
Buying one straight up is just plain odd and should not happen.
They’re $150?? E: holy shit you weren’t kidding
they offer good experience though
Is it weird as in the sense of being uncommon? Yes.
Is it weird in the sense of being gross or harmful? No.
"Normal" people tend to be prudish as fuck about sex and won't even talk about it even for the sake of education. Normalize buying sex toys for your sex-aged sons and daughters. Normalize talking about sex. Normalize not being embarassed about sex.
its a mother and son, which is very wierd. if it was a bf or gf, or friends of the son, that is different.
If context makes it worse then were already not in a good place my guy
I wouldn't want to think of my mother when I look at my fleshlight
It's quite acceptable... In Alabama.
Roll tide
Very weird, almost enough to not make eye contact for a couple months.
I'm gonna go with somewhere around super duper.
In on itself it's not directly red flags I'd say. It depends on the family, it depends on a lot of things. Maybe they're just oen about sexuality and don't see it as a big deal. As long as there is no abuse involved, I think it should be fine.
It's unusual for sure and I'm guessing that if the birthday boy opened up this present in public this would have caused a lot of uncomfortable laughter, sure.
Super fucking weird
Depends on if you gifted her a dildo prior.
The Bad Dragon Chance XL makes the perfect Mother's Day gift.
A medium is plenty for a first timer.
Does not apply, she could make a fencepost disappear.
Don't he'll end up asking you to clean it
Is your mom an English sex therapist? Do you give sex advice in an abandoned bathroom stall?
Quite abnormal. Not bad, though.
Pretty expensive gift. Most fleshlights are pretty expensive. Do what you will with that info.
Yeah, I know the bitch spent $100 on something for him when I was prostituting myself to afford $60 for Pearson’s fucking chemistry question textbook.
I heard all the books are free now? Considering you're on here you probably knew that already though..
(lol) every parent should talk about proper illumination!
Keeping a flashlight handy and charged could save your life.
(It could, but also, that auto incorrect made me giggle.)
I'm pretty fucked up as a person, and I think this would be weird as all fuck. I think most people consider fleshlights pretty taboo to begin with.
I thought it was weird when my parents bought me a Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar when I was around that age. So... yah... that's not normal.
First time I went into a sex shop was as a kid with my parents. They wanted to buy my brother a gag gift because he stayed home alone for the first time while we went on vacation. They settled on penis pasta (warning, increase in size when cooked) while I tried to appear to not be looking at anything.
Yeah, buying your kid sex stuff is generally seen as weird. But ultimately only you can say how your family does things.
It depends on the actual intention but it potentially falls under what is referred to as covert incest, especially if there's a pattern. It's not something people talk about a lot but it's more common than you'd think and it can definitely have a lasting impact.
How would this be incest? I know most people don't talk about sex. But some people are more open and talk about this stuff. In your opinion is talking about sex with your children incest?
I mean I think the op it would be weird but my family just shoved everything down and hides it.
Covert incest is a fixed term and that's a common reaction to hearing it for the first time.
Usually not but if it's done with hidden motives it sure can be covert incest - which again is a different thing from what the name might lead one to believe.
It's certainly abnormal.
But abnormal doesn't mean bad. At all.
I actually think it's a thoughtful honest appropriate gift. That kind of thing should be more common.
It's abnormal but only because sleeves are taboo due to religion and socirtal bullshit.
No, it's definitely abnormal because it's weird for a parent to help their offspring masturbate.
What about a father buying his daughter a vibrator for her 18th birthday?
Help??
A sleeve is basically PPE. Do you know how common it is to have damage due to hand-to-hand combat instead of using one? Sleeves should be part of the sex talk.
"Son, weve noticed blah blah blah. You should be using the proper tool for your body's health and safety."
I'm not the authority to ask about vibrators.
You don’t know if it’s appropriate for a father to buy their daughter a sex toy?
Hello,
Thank you for your response.
Per my last comment you will see that i don't consider myself in a position to make a judgement on that.
This is because my knowledge of 'toys' for that particular genetalia is limited. You'll note that my comment referring to the 'toys' to be used with a penis was about health and safety and didn't mention pleasure at all. I am not in possession of the level of knowledge required to make similar judgements for 'toys' for any other genetalia.
If you have any other questions feel free to shove them up your ass--make sure your choice in toy has a flared base or other method of extraction.
Thank you.
I think you're missing the point that we're trying to get to. or at least, I was trying to get to.
I think you're loosing sight of the fact that giving sex toys of any stripe as a birthday gift is not a sexual wellness thing, or a sex-safety talk. While there's probably some conceivable scenario in which it might be appropriate, this is not it.
it doesn't require any kind of experience to see that, and what Glimse was trying to do, is "flipping the genders" If it's creepy for a dad to buy a sex toy for the daughter, as a birthday gift, it's also creepy for a mother. (It would likely be only slightly less creepy father to son.)
Sexual wellness and safety talks don't happen at birthday parties. At least, not any bday party I've been to.
Yes, this is exactly the point I was making.
Parents generally put thought into their gifts to their kids. This is saying "I've been thinking about you masturbating. I've been thinking about how to help you reach climax"
Apply whatever context you want to make it weird. It reappy doesn't matter to me how you feel about it.
if you don't consider yourself to make a judgement, why the fuck is your dumb drivel all over it?
It's not weird to make them aware of it or even suggest it. It's weird to buy them one - especially as a birthday gift.
"Dad and I thought long and hard about what to get you and we choose this masturbation tool because we thought about you masturbating"
Every single one of you is applying extra context to the situation to purposefully make it weird.
That's fine, you are free to feel however you want about it.
If as a joke, the humor is fucked. If legit, it’s double fucked.
I cant say if it's because of the sex stigma in the usa or because it's just weird
Context could make it better I guess - like maybe the sons a sex/porn addict or something along those lines.
But you said this particular context makes it worse (and the only worse context I can think of right now is she had it molded to herself) so I would have to say it's pretty abnormal.
my mom bought me playboys back in the day somewhere around my 14th/15th birthday and I was pretty weirded out by that relatively 'benign' act.
It isn't an inherently problematic act in itself but it is very weird and I'd be shocked if it has ever happened without being connected to some very creepy shit.
Depends. Did she get a custom one made? Very VERY weird. Did she get one from her favorite porn actress? Quite weird. Did she just get any old one? Still a bit weird, but eh. Weirder things have happened to me.
My mom once left her Amazon account logged in and open on her computer. My sibling and I searched for a bunch of sex toys to mess with the ad suggestions. That was funny, but I'd never buy my mother a dildo and it would be really weird if she bought me a Fleshlight.
Just make sure you don’t break both of your arms at the same time. Or do…? Idk what you’re into.
Pretty fucking weird.
It's unusual, depends does he like it and why do you want to buy him that?
I see your username and know this is a fucking trap!
Even having a funny and weird relationship with my mother, this would be suuuuper cringe. And inappropriate.
Lol don't
Abnormal meaning "not normal?" Very abnormal. As others have mentioned there are some edge cases where this isn't terrible, but in general it's a pretty bad look.
If your brother was 17, and your mother did this, and a mandatory reporter found out they would be calling CPS - level of abnormal.
"Wanking wasn't enough? You've no hands?!" was my first thought, bringing back some Reddit core memories, lol.
Ofc it's weird AF. Promoting hedonism and oversexualization is weird and immoral in general, but your own mom doing that to you sounds traumatic too... Sorry, OP. This is the kind of stuff you either take to the grave or share only when you find an extremely understanding lady. :/
And purely out of curiosity, where are you from?
Everyone knows masturbation is hedonistic and immoral!
And purely out of curiosity, what religion does your username imply?
Their head would explode if they saw my drawer of 1-2k USD of bad dragon dildos, vibrators, clit suckers, masturbators, plugs, beads, and more…
😱 Is this just for fun or are you a professional? 2k on sex toys... Maybe I'm just too poor to get it but that's a bit too much for ANY kind of toy collection, lol.
That’s just for myself and my partner hahaha. We don’t do any sort of work or share or anything. We just like to try new things.
Well, I guess anal beads are cheaper than a trip to Bali, lol. Enjoy yourselves. 👍
I didn't say masturbation, in the traditional sense, was something so outrageous and immoral ("wanking wasn't enough?!", as I said, but you need to fight windmills to make any sort of valid point here, ofc). I understand the urges of the flesh because I too am a person (a healthily horny man at that!), but fleshlights are definitely too much. It's advanced gooning. Your mom promoting it and buying you sex toys is weird AF and concerning (what's next, she's gonna pay for your OF subscriptions? Pay for your first hooker threesome? 🤔), and the fact I even have to spell it out is, well, I'd like to say surprising and disappointing but it isn't, not really. I know who I'm talking to here, after all.
And Muslim non-sectarian!
The only time a fleshlight is too much is on a public bus.
At home you can jerk off with anything you’d like as long as it’s consenting and not underage.
Did you mean "the only time it's illegal"? Cause, sure, I guess. But this is my opinion, and I think it's too much. I bet there are things that feel like "too much" for you too!
No I said what I meant if you need clarification read my comment again.
Enjoy the fleshlight and don't let my opinion disturb you. You've chosen your path, and I have chosen mine.
I got one modelled after my mother’s vagina and while enjoyable it doesn’t come close to the real thing.