My mother attempted to convince me that I was molested by my adoptive father. This started when I was 6. I experienced things like hypnosis to “recover” memories that were fed to the therapists.

I have talked to therapists about this but it’s fucking useless. I don’t know how to deal with two sets of memories and I’m sick of spending $400 on “oh yeah the only thing I know how to do is CBT.”

I pick my gums. I usually bite a fingernail off and use it to pick with. I enjoy the sensation of pain from having a sharp thing in between my gums and my teeth immensely (not sexual, but a sensation that I cannot really compare to anything else)

I have tried all sorts of solutions to try to stop this, and I’m not really wanting them right now. I have managed to stop biting my nails for a time, but this will instead be replaced with grinding my teeth/picking without biting the nail off first/flossing or tooth picking to the point of bleeding.

What I would really like is harm reduction here. I don’t know what I would say to a dentist or doctor. I will wash my hands before biting my nails to at least make an effort as far as bacteria and infections. I imagine this will lead to long term damage down the road/already, but maybe there are things I can do that will at least fuck me up less in the long run.

I stopped taking my seizure meds for a few weeks.

When I was living with my ex, going off the meds resulted in seizures within the next few days. I mean grand mal, unconscious for a few minutes and post octal phase where I have zero idea what is going on (one of the most terrifying feelings you can have honestly) I’ve been living on my own for a few years now, and gradually halfed my dose for financial reasons.

For the past <month I’ve been entirely off.

Maybe this is weird. But at one point there was a few days where I had left my meds somewhere else after staying elsewhere a few days, and was worried about driving, and he said: “don’t worry, you aren’t going to have a seizure.”

You can’t show any emotion at all about what happened to you. People don’t want you to exist. People want to say call 988 because it lets them pretend you don’t exist.

All I have ever wanted is for someone to say, “yes. You were sexually abused. We stood by and did nothing. You told us. You made it clear. And instead of helping you, we let people punish you. We let your mother put you in hospitals to drug you. We let her send you to hypnotists to try to convince you you were raped by the only person who made you feel safe, because she was still angry about the divorce.”

Being hurt and tortured makes you an unperson. If I do end up offing myself, everyone will pretend they cared. But they won’t help me eat today, they won’t help me find a job, they won’t give me a hug.

It’s like the herd knows when a parent has rejected its offspring, and all agrees to make the same choice.

It’s clearly in retaliation to shut me up about abuse at the facility. It makes zero sense, even the process server thought it was ridiculous.

But I have no money, I couldn’t find a lawyer. So now my life is over basically. I’m barely employable as it is. I have thousands in credit card debt, I have tens of thousands in student loans, and I work a part time job and do gig work.

There is no therapy. There is no lawyer. DO NOT FUCKING SAY “just check a low income program in your area!” THEY DONT FUCKING EXIST. I live in a red state which exists to chew people up like me.

I have zero family support. I have zero friends. I have zero help.

The second I can’t pay rent I’m walking into traffic.

At no point in my life has there been help. I called a crisis line last year, was assaulted and lost my job because they forget to give me paperwork after I got out.

“Help” seems to be platitudes. Help seems to pretend that there is something on the other side, when across my life that “it gets better” hope gets fucking yoinked from me like Lucy with the football.

Why the fuck is saying “no” such a bad thing? My family didn’t care when I got diddled, why would they care if I was in the ground?

IMHO, Salò is one of the best movies ever made, but not exactly something you can invite your friends over for a movie night. It’s not just going for shock value, there’s something more about the way that fascism and power are tied to the exploitation of children.

Cannibal Holocaust is similar in that its reputation is overshadowed by the gore. The tribe isn’t as evil as the people making the “documentary.” It’s a critique of colonialism, underneath the blood and guts. (Wish they didn’t kill real animals for it though.) It’s not nearly as good as Salò, at the end of the day it’s an exploitation film with a bit of thought in it, but it’s more than just a torture fest.

I won’t extend any of the same praise to A Serbian Film - it’s like if a bunch of internet edgemasters stitched together a bunch of random scenes designed to be as offensive as possible.

Funny Games made me deeply uncomfortable. I can’t really say that I “liked” it, it’s probably the most upsetting movie I’ve seen.

What do you think about this type of movie? I haven’t watched any of the more famous Japanese ones - a lot of them seem to be “what if we shot an hour or so of dissecting a woman” which strikes me as boring and pointless. Are there any that are worth watching?

The contents of the video are safe for work and contain no violence, although I do display some of the calculated more infamous stats.

This is a demonstration of the character generation system, which creates two characters. Characters are able to choose a profession, which is restricted according to the requirements listed in the ruleset. Character creation is effectively completely simulated under the hood and the amount of input demonstrated in the video matches the totality of player input in character creation beyond rolling the dice and crunching the numbers.

I am currently alternating between working on the magic and combat system. Magic is a nightmare, and requires a complicated corpse looting system which my inventory management is struggling to handle. Fighting I am concerned about how to nullify certain rules while maintaining the purist nature of the project.

The plan is to implement the campaign described in the book, and possible some more creative explorations of the job system and society described in FATAL, while again minimizing more distasteful elements.