Do you think this guy likes me, or is he just being nice?
Context: I’m 19 and completely inexperienced when it comes to dating. Two days ago, my friend, her boyfriend, and I were supposed to go see Backrooms together, but one of the boyfriend’s friends joined us last minute. This guy insisted on paying for my movie ticket, snacks, dinner afterward, and even 3 books when we stopped at a bookstore, and then he drove me home. After the movie, I mentioned that I wanted to see Obsession next because, in my mind, they’re kind of sister movies, and he said we should go see it together, which we did yesterday. He acted the exact same way then too. He’s also going fishing on Sunday, and I’m going with him. I’ve never had a guy act like this toward me before, so I honestly don’t know what to make of it. But I really love it, and I can’t stop thinking about him.
if he is not wealthy then yeah he is into you.
Sounds like you're dating already.
Yes.
Gender swapped, but still appropriate for the topic:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xa-4IAR_9Yw
This beyond showing interest. You may be unaware but you are dating. You went on a movie date. You're going on a fishing date on Sunday. That's dating, we've just forgotten what that is as like a society.
Hard to be sure he's interested without an app. /s
Yes this is called showing interest.
Courtship, even
Lots of people taking about red flags and shit.
Just talk to him. Be honest with what you feel and ask what he's thinking and where he sees your friendship/relationship/feeling going.
Don't listen to people online who have no idea about your specific situation.
This
Honest Communication and having boundaries defined in your head. When you guys come up to one of your boundaries then have a conversation.
But remember, "No" is a complete sentence. No explanations are necessary.
Fellas, this proves we're not the only dumb ones when it comes to noticing someone is into us.
Yea he's into you. Either that or he's trying to get into your pants really quickly. Up to you to figure that out, whether he just wants to fuck or if he wants an actual nice relationship.
Presuming they're both ~19, I'm going with potentially <-> likely uh, all of the above, + completely terrified.
First loves are... pretty confusing.
And whether she actually likes him.
Her thinking this is one thing but saying it is fully different. She's into him too for sure.
I can't stop thinking about my neighbour, but that's because she's the most obnoxious woman I've ever met.
yea ig context matters
Many in this thread seems to be assuming “she” but was that stated?
We don't give a damn
Same way US-Americans don't feel the need to specify that they're talking about the USA on international sites (nationality being quite relevant to this kind of question), heterosexual people generally don't feel the need the need to state that they're talking about a heterosexual relationship. Bit of a different dynamic if OP is male or enby.
Indeed he is trying to impress you, and spending his money may be a goofy way of telling you how he feels without the need to speak.
He may not know how to word things gracefully, keep in mind that it could be stressful for him as well.
Maybe at some point telling him that you can buy your own things, and that it is not the reason why you're spending time with him, could lead to a more constructive discussion... If you're not afraid to have it, that is
He's nuts about you.
I am a former 19 year old man. Trust me.
Yeah, I don't really understand all these people talking about how it's unusual. When I was a teenager and I liked a girl, I'd do everything I could to impress her.
"Oh, you said in passing you like this candy? I'll get you a whole box! Oh, you reminisced about having a furby? I scoured every thrift store in the area to find this one for you! You want to buy this thing? Let me do it! I can do it!"
It's definitely way too much, to the point where it's probably creepy, but that's just how the teenage brain works. They understand enough to know how to show you care, but they don't understand enough to know that too much of a good thing can be bad.
It's not that it's unusual, it's just that similar behavior is also an abusive tactic called love bombing. Imo, I think the kid is just being a bit awkward, but that doesn't mean this behavior isn't a problem. Like you said, it's (probably) just teenagers being teenagers, but I don't see anything wrong with pointing out how this can be a problem.
Like most situations, the best thing OP and friend can do is have a candid conversation about how they're feeling towards one another and figure out what they're both looking to get out of a relationship. Having been 19 myself, I doubt that conversation will happen in a way that is "correct", but at the very least she now knows that love bombing is a thing and that it's important to think about your own safety, wants, and needs
I can't even count the number of bands I was suddenly "into" because the woman I was interested in at the time mentioned them in passing. 😂
Yes. But be aware of love bombing too. Good luck and enjoy the romance :)
He likes you. Maybe wise to slow him down a bit and see how reacts on that. My 18 year old daughter had a thing with a boy who overwhelmed her with gifts and paying for everything. It made her feel a bit uncomfortable and when she told him he plaued the guilt card. She ended up dumping him.
That's the point.
A lot of good advice in this thread for some very thoughtful people. OP I want you to practice setting some boundaries with this guy even if you like him and continue seeing him.
Tell him no about things sometimes. Like “no, I can buy that myself”. Make sure he respects your wishes about minor things and has even, level-headed emotionally mature reactions to your boundaries.
Yes, he's attracted to you. However, his behavior could be a warning sign depending on how old he is. Is he your age? If so I think he's excited and enthusiastic about getting your attention, but if he's older, I agree with other posters this sounds like he's trying to buy your affection. It's a warning sign if he's in his 20s, and a huge blaring red alert if he's over 30.
If he's one of your peers, I would be cautiously optimistic but NOT go fishing and definitely do not let him drive you again. This is women's safety 101: do not ever rely on a date for transportation, do not meet in isolated areas, and let someone know where you will be and when you should be home. If you are in a place that is car dependent, you are at the total mercy of whoever is driving, and giving them too much control over your freedom. Even with ride shares available that is a risk you should try to avoid.
Unless he has already told you where he's going fishing and it's somewhere visible and well populated, or you're going with friends as a group, then you should suggest an alternate activity that puts you around people. Other people are safety, and accountability. If his intentions are good, he should be happy to accommodate you and won't mind.
I remember when I was 19, I was not the beauty standard, so I didn't have my guard up as much as my peers. It was flattering and exciting to have someone overtly interested in me. I was frankly naive and oblivious to the fact that I could be preyed on and manipulated. I thought I was smart and confident but I had no idea what was going on around me and a lot of people I thought were "just being nice" were wolves circling. You should know that there are a lot of men who see someone young and inexperienced in dating who might be kind of insecure and see them as a juicy target for control, abuse, and manipulation. Just take precautions. Things might be totally fine, but the consequences for them being a predator can be severe.
Yes, he likes you.
I would be cautious, this sort of behavior is unusual, even for someone who likes you. The reason behind it is up for interpretation. In the most generous interpretation, he doesn't know how to act either and is attempting to hint that he likes you. In the most uncharitable interpretation, he is attempting to lovebomb someone who doesn't have the experience to recognize the red flag.
Either way, I would approach with caution, because you don't need to be malicious in order to be abusive. That is to say, abuse very rarely occur because someone is actively trying to manipulate you. Typically, it occurs because someone has an unrealistic expectation of how relationships work in practice, and this expectation biases their actions and judgment (funnily enough, Obsession is about this exact theme).
What this means is that inexperienced people are typically more likely to be abusive just by sheer virtue of not understanding what a relationship is like. I don't want to be overly negative - I want to be clear that it's possible that he's just also inexperienced and that he is wise enough to learn quickly.
If you want to interpret his actions charitably and if you want to give him a chance, then I would highly recommend you have a good conversation at the very beginning about your (and his) expectations of a relationship, both in the short term (ie, what do you expect the other person to do in x/y situation? Is there anything that the other person may do or may stop doing that would cause you to feel upset?) and in the long term (ie, do you have compatible life goals? Do you expect that you will have a long distance relationship at some point in the future? Would you be OK with that?). Don't be scared to talk about uncomfortable or shameful subjects - it's better to get these questions sorted now than to sort them out later, when shit has already hit the fan.
And, also be aware that because both of you are likely to be inexperienced, both of your expectations are almost certainly going to change over time, and so it will be a good idea to build a habit of checking in once in a while to see if those expectations have changed
One final but irrelevant advice: hold off on sexual intimacy. It's important to build a relationship around life habits rather than just sex. That, and people will typically be guarded when in a new relationship. It typically takes about 1 year of close contact before someone starts to lower their guard, and 2 years before someone fully shows who they are (this also happens to be why most relationships last 2 years). I guarantee, the worst thing you can ever do in a relationship is to have sexual contact with someone who turns it to be crazy. It's going to be hard to hold off, I get it. Been there, done that. But it's vitally important for the overall health of the relationship to not have sexual intimacy for at minimum 6 months, and ideally at least longer than a year
Jesuchristo, a year?
I would never advise that. It's fine to enjoy sex. Some guys are more into chasing and just want a challenge, lose interest once you fuck - I don't want a guy who likes chasing, I want a guy who likes sex with me. I don't want the first time to be the best time either. That long buildup then a letdown is too big a risk to gamble a year on.
I'm old now but still would say a physical relationship is a shallower level than an emotional relationship, and having sex soon into any relationship has worked better to find a good match and, well, at least got me plenty of sex.
Not advising the OP here (She may not even want a physical relationship at all) - just responding to the idea that it's better to wait. In my life I have never found it better to wait.
A year is way too long for me. I would at least give it a month, bare minimum.
I think there's some misunderstanding here. They said "don't immediately have sex" and "people don't open up until around a year" as 2 separate statements. They weren't necessarily saying to hold off on sex for a whole year.
I think, at the core, my argument is simply this: don't rush into sex. Take your time to figure out if this is really what you want.
I believe everyone can agree to that statement. But my perspective is that quantifiable, actionable advice is more helpful than advice in which the recipient has to apply their own judgment (what's the purpose of giving the advice then?), and so I have semi-arbitrarily chosen that 6 months to wait is a safe bet and 1 year is ideal.
And I acknowledge that waiting a year is unusually chaste - that's why I consider it to be an ideal circumstance rather than a practicable target. Is waiting a year for sex unusually risk-averse? Yes, undeniably. But you also can't deny that waiting that time would give you the best perspective on whether or not it's a good idea to have sex with someone
OP said this:
No sex for at least 6 months to a year?! My god, let the kids live a little. As long as everyone is on the same page with expectations and practices safe sex, there's nothing wrong with having sex much earlier in a relationship.
This. I agree that communication is really important (and that can even be "I don't know yet if we fit together"), but in my experience you don't have to confirm/commit to a long-term relationship before having sex. Just make sure expectations are communicated early and frequently, so both know what to expect.
Very true, I acknowledge that safe sex can be had much earlier. But I don't think my advice is as absurd as it sounds at first glance.
6 months seems long on paper but from what I've observed, it's really not that long in context. By my estimate, that's around the time when a casual relationship transitions into a more serious relationship. So really, all I'm saying is to make sure that you're serious before you commit to taking the risk. I'm just drawing a semi-arbitrary line to delineate a casual and a serious relationship. I consider it to be more actionable to have a solid number, especially for someone who doesn't yet know what a casual or a serious relationship looks like.
In context, I know an acquaintance whom I would describe as very free-spirited. She ended up waiting something like 4 months before her first sexual contact with her significant other, and that was without any advice. So 6 months is quite doable in my opinion.
There's certainly nothing morally wrong with casual sex, I do not hold it against someone if they choose to have sex before 6 months. But practically speaking (and I would argue that an inexperienced person is in most need to hear practical advice), I still stand by my stance that it's a good idea to err on the side of caution. It's always more preferable to start having sex too late than to start having sex too early. And that's especially true when you factor in that we are starting off this potential relationship with some concerning red flags
Here's where we disagree. You're viewing sex from a risk management perspective, whereas I'm viewing it as a healthy part of life
I think we're actually on the same page then. I don't think you're wrong in any way, I just also don't think these 2 perspectives are necessarily mutually exclusive
@[email protected] ^This is a solid and comprehensive reply, and I agree with all.
In regards to the last part, I think sexual intimacy can be okay at an earlier stage, as long as you ensure clear and honest communication beforehand about expectations and comfort zones. But as mentioned, considering the inexperience, caution is your friend. Do not rush; you have time.
Another advice is to be inquisitive: Ask him directly what his intentions are, and why he's infatuated with you. Perhaps also ask your friend's boyfriend about him, and have him tell his 5 cents both about this guy as a potential partner, but also as a person. It might come to light things like him being on the spectrum: Even seemingly socially adept people can be on the spectrum, and it only shows when they're in unfamiliar/stressful situations. This could explain his behavior as someone who just don't know how to show his affection, and (desperately) attempts actions he knows make people happy, like gifts.
I say this as someone who qualifies as a socially adept person on the spectrum, and I recognize this behavior.
Completely fair point. It's definitely a lot more nuanced than I wrote.
In my eyes, I find that there's a lot of pressure to have sex, and very little pressure to hold off. This is especially true for inexperienced people. People will tend to rationalize themselves into having sex, even when in hindsight they really weren't ready. So to avoid having to consider edge cases and/or irrational thinking, I find that just setting a hard-and-fast rule where you just really should not have sex for x amount of time ends up being the simplest and most applicable advice
This is overall very good advice. But I'm going to push back on the stuff about sex. I'm asexual, but I've done kinky stuff with a lot of people who turned out to be abusive garbage, and even a Nazi girl. And I don't regret any of the sexy stuff. I regret the bad relationships and being abused. I regret the love, but not the lust. The best sexual experience I've ever had was with an enby who destroyed Me for months and left trauma that lasted years. The relationship was not worth it. But gods above, that one night was...
If you're gonna fall in love with crazy, you might as well stick your dick in it!
As a 30M European, I'd say red flag. Committing like this on a first "date" is kind of unusual. Buying tickets, snacks, and books while - derived from context - meeting for the first time.
I'd look out and watch closely, don't let shiny things blind you, and enjoy the moments.
Yeah it seems like this guy obviously likes OP but I'd watch out he isn't love bombing. Not saying it's what he's doing but I'd be wary if I were in OP's position.
I just realized that I did this to my girlfriend in high school!
It's pretty clear. Everything fits. I just don't know what to do about it now.
I mean, we've been married for 33 years. Do we need to break up? The kids are grown and out of the house at this point, but I think they'd still be upset.
Delete Facebook, hit the gym, lawyer up?
But in all seriousness, being generous and effusive with a prospective partner is not an issue in itself. The problem is when it's used to manipulate someone into being "hooked" on you then go on to abuse that person. That's why multiple people here are saying to be wary, we're not saying to write him off outright.
I feel like this part of the link above is relevant here:
Surely if you've been happily married for 33 years, what you did back then wasn't actually love bombing, right?
The real answer is that love bombing is simply a behavior pattern that can be benign, or beneficial, or destructive.
A healthy way it might play out would be:
Initial infatuation ->
-> communication leads to deeper and more wholistic appreciation ->
-> moderation into a mutually comfortable new status quo.
But, the way tiktok understands the term is closer to 'anyone who is really nice to you and gives you a lot of attention, for no apparent reason, is potentially intentionally executed a fully consciously premeditated plan to manipulate you and then throw you away afterward.'
Can that happen?
Yep.
How can you tell the difference, before hand?
Uh, you basically can't, not right from step one anyway.
I guess I should ask the wife.
You may have noticed, or maybe not, that OP did not ask about that specific thing called love bombing, and the same goes for this commenter.
I don't get what else the person I replied to could have meant, given the comment they replied to.
You must compensate by acting a cheapskate curmudgeon the next six months. You may inform your family this is part of your rehabilitation.
That sounds like the way to go.
LOL
Well done at your time!
Time seems different today 🤔
Without a doubt, this guy is totally into you.
I wonder if your friends told him it was a blind date without telling you about it.
Holy fuck this thread. It's amazing half of you have ever dated.
Yes he likes you. Holy fuck the screeches about red flags from nerds 🤣, seems to want impress you.
OP mentions their age but not his. If this person is in their 20s, or even 30s, the story changes dramatically
Remember this was movie + snacks + dinner + 3 books + drive home. That's 100€ at the low end, most likely 150-200 from a kid with no job. All for something that wasn't even a date. Call us whatever you want for finding it unusual, but yes, it is unusual.
Maybe you just met someone with parents with disposable income 🤣 Jesus Christ people.
Ah, one of those. You know you're a spoiled asshole when "money to burn constantly" translates to "disposable income". It's definitely odd for the dude to spend that much money immediately, and it's also weird that you are so defensive about it
👌👍🤣
Just because he has disposable income doesn't mean he isn't using his capital to try to impress a young woman and even create an aire of obligation to her.
Hell, I'm in my 40s and dating someone that makes roughly a third of what I do. My responsibility to her is to pick dating spots that she can afford, NOT pay for everything.
This isn't about him liking her but how this message is being mingled in with money. There is an inherent power dynamic when it comes to wealth and men especially.
To pretend it doesn't exist shows the immense privilege that exists.
It's not that funny. Sheesh.
Eh, just took a quick look through their history. Talks about buying a prebuilt PC and replacing some parts in one thread then uses "nerd" as an insult in another. Like those closeted gay guys that call other people removed. No point in talking with people that are this disconnected from reality.
We're advising her to be cautious, not advising her to call the whole thing off. What's so wrong with that?
Oh I miss that feeling.
I would bet money that he indeed likes you.
Yes you can be nice to people in general. But there's a special "being nice to show attraction" that I think is showing here.
How old is this guy? Throwing that amount of money at someone you're not even involved with yet is not normal behavior. I'd take that as a red flag. Maybe he's just inexperienced or infatuated and this is his way of showing he likes you but I would be concerned about him feeling like you owe him something for it. That "crazy" (for lack of a better word) energy can go both ways. I'd definitely have a talk with him about where his head is at and where yours is if I was you.
This is why I don't really do anything nice for anybody anymore (beyond established platonic friends), especially women.
Dudes know I don't want to fuck them and just want to be friends (or acquaintances or whatever), so with them I can just be a normal human. I can hold the door to the gas station for some random plumber behind me, I can pay for my homie's taco today and he'll probably get me next week, it'll come back around.
But if I open a door for a woman whether I'm interested or not, pay for her anything, or talk to her, I have to be worried about her now either A) she thinks I'm a creep for trying to form a basic human connection to fill a basic human need that most people beyond aro and aces need [whether or not I actually am committing the mortal sin of carnal optimism or not], or B) she thinks Ted Bundy's ghost is possessing my body and I must be hiding a tire iron in my sleeve, or C) She thinks I think she's physically incapable of opening the door because she assumes I think women are inferior. It feels like I'm walking on eggshells 24/7 trying not to do something that seems innocuous to me but is a grave insult or threat when divorced from the context of "I would have held the door for a guy too."
Exception: Old ladies. They're cool, usually. They don't mind general niceties or conversation and don't immediately suspect me of murders untold. I'm also kind of an old lady at heart which probably helps, "give me your gardening tips, Doris! Say, do you like The Golden Girls?"
There's a pretty big difference between holding a door for someone or buying them a drink and paying for their movie, popcorn, dinner, and gifts all when you literally just met them and then again one day later.
I didn't say he was a creep. I said he's throwing too much money at her for this situation. That implies there's something off, which could be a number of reasons. That's why I asked how old he was. If he's a young guy then he could just be inexperienced and not have a great idea of how to express his interest other than bombarding her with attention and gifts. I think most dudes have been there more or less, but it can sometimes lead to some shitty outcomes with some guys, especially immature ones that haven't got a lot of experience dealing with these emotions, if the subject of this attention doesn't meet their expectations. It's why I suggested having a conversation with him about what those expectations are and where she is at in her own feelings towards him to clear the air before he gets too invested. If he's an older guy than it becomes more suspicious as they should know better than to buy affection with gifts.
I was more referring to this (and expanding it a bit because it's not just sex, but also murder and misogyny). The slight possible benefit of "she appreciates it" just doesn't outweigh the bad. Sure there's a difference between holding the door and paying for something cheap like that and further to something expensive, but on average a woman who is at friend level 0 I wouldn't hold the door, a random guy at friend level 0 I probably would, neither get a movie ticket. And a guy at friend level idk 3, I might cover on the ticket but he's for sure on his own for snacks, a woman at friend level 3 I'm holding that door, but she's covering her ticket and food, and so on.
Like for example, a good friend of mine who is a woman, today she asked for my help on something: No problem! Of course, I watched her struggle with it for a bit before she asked and wasn't going to offer help though she clearly needed it, lest she think I think she's incapable. Real double edged sword of rudeness. Had she been our male coworker/friend, I'd have hit him with "struggling huh? Let me help lol" for what is clearly a two person job anyway, but no way I'm gonna offer to help her before she asks and double no way I'm lightly ribbing her like I would my male friend.
He is into you. Just keep seeing him and maybe make a move. Don't get to invested and take it slow but he seems to like you
So he basically started dating you out of the blue without telling you and it's working? Well it's admittedly super funny to read but potentially a bit weird, especially buying you so much stuff. Regardless of how you handle it, yeah they like you.
It seems the friends set them up for sure
Yeah, like the last comment, yes he likes you. Obviously. No the niceness isn't a red flag necessarily. BUT like with anything at all, don't just let your guard down. Play it smart, flirt back. Let other people know where you are going and for how long. Watch for signs of narcissism, but don't ruin the date by being on hyper alert all the time. Be cool. It could be the start of something wonderful or something brief. Try to enjoy the journey either way
Obviously yes.
Even if this was an actual date, paying for the movie, dinner and gifts would be a bit much. It's like he's trying to be your sugar daddy.
Nah he's just trying his best lmfao, I was the same way until I learned not to do that
It may be a red flag with him being so forward, so fast, with a relative stranger. I'd be worried if you two are the only two going fishing on Sunday (e.g. is he trying to get you alone for the wrong reasons), and you should confirm who else will be there before you commit. If others will be there, go and have fun!
Basically, yes, he does like you (Congrats!)... And it's awesome if you like him back. BUT he has to earn your trust to be granted alone-time outside of public places. And having warm and fuzzy feelings is not the same as earning your trust. Only time, patience, communication, and if others vouch for him, should be the things that move the needle of trust for a new person coming on so hot and heavy.
Good luck!
If he paid just for your stuff and not your friends', he's definitely trying to show that he is interested in you. His interest could be romantic and/or sexual. Have fun, but don't do anything you might regret if it's only the latter.
Paying for a date and a few books is pretty harmless, if somewhat old-fashioned in a lot of cultures. But maybe he just thinks that's what he's supposed to do. However, if he also starts buying you expensive gifts early on in the relationship, be very careful, especially if he's a bit older than you! That's the MO of so-called "lover boys" that like to lure girls into prostitution. Eventually he'll demand something in return and it's only downhill from there.
Old dude speaking, here:
How long have you known him? If you two have only just met or met very recently then it's very weird behaviour for sure. Heck it's a little weird him being this forward so soon, if you did know each other only as friends before this.
The Backrooms outing was actually the first time we met. To be fair, I did pull my friend’s boyfriend aside and ask him about it, and he said I had no reason to feel uncomfortable because his family has money and apparently he’s just a very generous person by nature.
It's quite possible that he is indeed a generous person, but still be careful. Truly generous people like that are very far and few in between, at least in my own experience, so most are usually that nice early on when they want something from you. Not trying to put him down, because we don't know him... But be careful.
Major red flag then - if he's not even spending money on you he earned himself, then he's just seeing if he can buy affection. He sees this as a transactional situation, and he will get nasty the moment he feels he won't get the returns on his "investment".
Btw. as others have pointed out, I also agree that it is already a red flag even if it's his own money (paying for time/activities spent together on a first date gets a pass from me, but paying for things you buy for yourself does not). And the comment about the transactional nature also applies there.
Way to tell if someone cares about you: they ask meaningful questions about you, your life, your thoughts, your personality. Red flags: they focus on doing things that you pay for, and they mostly talk about themselves or job/money.
I mean that's possible... But no, it's not certain at all.
My girlfriend has rich parents, she's the type to do this kind of stuff, and we've been together for 5 years. She's also a communist and a class traitor. She sees generosity as fairness: if her family has a lot and her friends have little, she's got more of a responsibility to provide for all of us than we do. Also, she's never worked a paying job in her life and has no clue about the actual value of money. She's willing to give away money because it's just not that valuable to her.
Yes.
I usually wait until the 4th date to consider getting intimate with someone. Go to a resturaunt for your 4th date. I would personally hold off intimacy till then, but hey, if it happens then it happens, just focus on having a good time together until the moment feels right.
Run
I have zero experience with datung as well :P
but maybe try flirting with him and see his reaction?