What wisdom from someone else has stuck with you?
Two for me:
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The moment you feel tipsy it's time to ease down. You have a stomach full of booze that's going to make you more drunk even if you stop immediately.
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If you think people are good, you're probably right and if you think people are bad, you're probably right.
People are good IMO.
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I grew up in a racist town, and was indoctrinated on racism in my youth. It never sat right with me, but even so, I still struggled with racist thoughts that would jump in to my head when I encountered indigenous folk.
Someone said to me though that it's not the first thought that jumps in to your head that matters, because that's what you've been trained to think. What matters is what you do after that thought has appeared.
And that's stuck with me. It helped me be aware of the impact of indoctrinated hate, whilst also not getting tied up with guilt over my inability to completely purge myself of the indoctrinated bullshit.
It allowed me to retrain myself, and to make sure the shit I was raised with doesn't get passed on to my own kid.
Thank you for sharing your perspective on this. I think we could heal if more people felt they could openly discuss how they grapple with it.
This is really deep.
I also gotta say: I reserve more respect for anyone who changed their attitudes to something I admire than someone who always held them. Me? I'm pretty progressive. But it's not like I can take credit. I share similar views to most people with my upbringing. Holding these beliefs is about impressive as a ball rolling down a hill.
Questioning your beliefs and going somewhere else? That's an achievement.
To be clear, I've always been progressive. I was never overtly racist in the way so many of my peers were growing up. But their overt racism impacted me and filled me with assumptions and unchallenged beliefs that it took years to identify and challenge.
I was born in Moree (the destination of the Freedom Ride (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freedom_Ride_(Australia)), and racism still shapes the town today. I don't think it would be possible to grow up in that town without being shaped by racism in some way.
Fixed link and good one for not just going with the flow.
Wait.. I thought the significantly higher than average percentage of Aboriginal people in Moree would cause the population to be less racist in general. Your experience implies that is not the case.
There's diversity, where you have a lot of different types of people, and then there's places with a high concentration of a minority group
The first one makes people less bigoted, because you can't avoid dealing with people when they're everywhere. Your not going to last long in NYC if you don't want your food touched by them. Either you deal with it and get used to it, or you'll find it hard to eat
The second one doesn't force those normal human interactions. Instead, you have exposure. You see them around, but don't have to treat them like people. You might not interact at all.
So every time you see them, it reinforces the racism
You see it all over the American South, people around the black communities aren't less racist, they're giga-racist
Those are words of wisdom that have always stuck with me too. The fact that your first thought can just be a hair trigger gross thing. But who you are is the reaction to that thought, and the actions you take then.
I was raised by racists and generally not-good people and I learned from an early age to lie lie lie. So recently when a friend was offering me money for something, my trigger thought was to ask for a few hundred dollars more. And just. Gosh, ew, no, no, that's awful. I still feel bad about the fact that my initial thought was that, but the reaction that follows are where my morals actually lie.
Not an easy lesson to learn, but a very important one, IMO
I couldn't agree more. Trying to control your own first reactions to your environment is often like trying not to feel hot next to a fire. Totally futile and counterproductive. Control your behaviors and refine your beliefs.
Don't commit more than one crime at a time
It's not secret if two people know it.
I was asleep alone at home.
Also "two can keep a secret, if one is dead."
Don't write down your crimes
Don't write anything down you don't want everyone to read.
Hahaha exactly! So good.
Don't livestream your crimes while in a group of people committing crimes.
My friend calls that - Don't be stupid while you're being stupid.
I live by this one too. It also makes me think of the Whren v. United States case
Can someone provide a couple of practical examples?
If you've got something illegal in your car, make sure you don't have a broken tail light.
If your license is expired, don't speed.
Don't Jay walk while high.
Basically the cops catch you on the less bad thing, and that's how they are able to catch you on the second thing. They need a reasonable suspicion to stop you.
I see, it's about flying under the radar if you're up to something illegal. That makes a lot of sense for something like having weed in the car.
Don't admit to killing an animal to the sibling that records all phone calls.
More of a famous quote I guess, but:
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
Since I first heard it, I've been far less annoyed / paranoid about other peoples actions, at work in particular.
When someone is road raging I like to pretend they have diarrhea
Aka Hanlon's Razor
It seems my mind fine-tuned the phrase without me noticing it, for years I've thought of it as:
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
stupidityincompetence."It hits a little harder, I think, because incompetence should be vincible, a condition that can be overcome, implying that it's a choice, a lazy indifferent choice, a mediocrity.
I try to live by a similar "always try to interpret peoples actions in the most positive possible way". This means that if someone says something hurtful, they probably didn't mean it, either something came out wrong or you misinterpreted them. Spend a couple seconds thinking about what they could have meant, and suddenly you're choosing to interpret them in a way that makes your day better instead of worse.
Same goes for actions. If someone does something you don't like, you can very often choose to figure out what a good reason for their actions are. Trying my best to think like this has made me a lot happier and more easy-going.
Get ready, because this is kind of cheesy stuff, but these two pieces of sports advice, taken together, have guided me for years.
First: a mentor of mine who was a pool shark taught me that when you're playing pool, there is always a best shot to take. Sometimes, when you've got no good options in front of you you want to just do nothing or quit. But no matter what, billiards offers a finite set of options of where to try and aim the cue, and if you rank them from best to worst, there is always a best. When you're in a bad situation, you find it and you take the best option. Often, that's either a harm reduction strategy, a long-shot that feels impossible, or a combo of both. But if you always do this you'll usually suffer far less harm in the aggregate, and if you take enough long shots you'll occasionally achieve a few incredibly improbable wins.
Second: A kayaking instructor taught me -- and this I'm told is true in many similar sports -- you go where your focus is, so to evade a problem, focus on the way past. If you see a rock, don't stare it it, you'll hit it. It doesn't matter if your brain is thinking "I gotta go anywhere except that rock!" If you're looking at, you're heading into it. If you don't want to hit the rock, instead you have to look at wherever it is you DO want to go. It takes a bit of practice, because your brain sees "rock!" more easily than "smooth water flowing between two rocks". But that's how you get down a river, and it's also how you work through almost any other problems in life that are rushing at you: don't focus ON them, focus on whatever is the preferred alternative. This is especially useful if the alternative is sort of a non-thing, like an empty gap between two problems. And it often is.
Taken together, you get the basic approach that has steered my problem solving throughout adulthood. And it really works.
i took a motorcycle class where they also taught us that second one too: focus on where you want to go, not on what you want to avoid.
i hadn't considered it in a broader context until your post, but you're right it works
"Target fixation"
As a long time whitewater kayaker and motorcycle rider I had this drilled into my head so much when I was younger.
That should be the first thing you're told when learning to ride a bike. Or anything.
Turns out, it's not bad advice in life in general.
I like that your first one doesn't imply that you always need to find a good option, you only need to look for the best. Sometimes all of your options are bad, and in any other situation you'd never go for them.
Great tips! There's actually a term for the second one, target fixation.
I've played in pool leagues. The advice is solid. Go for your best shot. Sometimes that best shot is making sure the other person has no best shot either.
I work in an environment that can have some tight timeline, high stress moments. People often deal with this with a kind of controlled panic- "Hi. This thing is not working." "Fuck, this is not working, quick, try that thing! Argh! Not working either! Oh no, shits fucked. Shit... Ok, try the other thing! Fuck, call Gary, they might know what to do!"
Then I worked with a person who had this totally different approach. When shit hit the fan, they just super calmly looked around, and said "That's a bit boring." Just that phrase shifted my whole perspective on the industry. Just treat the problem as a minor annoyance, and you'll see that it's rarely worth getting panicked about.
The other thing they taught me- no matter how urgent it is, never run. Running makes it look like we fucked up. And we don't fuck up, we just have the next thing that needs to be fixed.
Fake calm to be calm. Nice.
I treat a serious prod issue as annoying because it is.
I get the approach here, but unfortunately, this is impressively hard to do without a (fiscal) safety net.
I agree that it is wise to push out panic-inducing thoughts; mindfulness and all that. That's not always possible when professional failure equates unemployment and the possible crippling poverty that follows. In my experience, employers do a garbage job at pointing out where the guardrails are, and what the bar is for dismissal, going as far as refusing to put anyone on a PIP before letting them go. Many people are in countless pressure-cookers like this, perpetually on the edge of their seats if they're paying any attention at all.
From all that I take this advice to boil down to: Practice mindfulness, ease, and inner-peace, especially when the shit hits the fan. You can't control the consequences, but you'll recover better if you keep your head.
Yeah, that could go badly... If people think you're not taking their emergency seriously, and it turns out it's not a quick fix, they're probably not going to be very happy
I do find redirecting them calmly to be even more helpful. Just don't let their panick infect you, and start working the problem normally
That usually calms people down instantly, because it skips the part where they have to convince you there's a problem, instead you just skipped to giving them what they actually want
I first heard it when I was a kid but didn't truly understand it until 9/11. The more time goes on, the more our shitty timeline proves it to be true.
What if you meet a Nazi?
Punching Nazis in the face is a kindness to those they victimize.
Kindly punch them in the face. Kindly.
Kill them with kindness.
They actually do meet Hitler at one point in Doctor Who. IIRC they can't kill him for time travel (and probably also family TV) reasons, but they do punch him in the face and lock him in a cupboard.
That there's an aspect of every relationship that always starts the same. It's two people bringing richness to each other, almost like Kings and Queens coming together bringing their lands and wealth with them.
Over time though that richness can fade and instead of bringing richness they start begging for it from the other person. If you find that you're in a relationship with someone and that both of you have turned into "beggars" whose life can only be complete if the other person performs a task or meets an expectation, the relationship will weaken and that weakness will invite other problems.
The solution, if you have become a "beggar" in a relationship, is to mentally detach yourself from the other person and spend some time alone trying to reconnect with what made you a rich resource in the first place. You must remind yourself what it was that made you a King or Queen and focus on regrowing those seeds of richness and independence from the other person. Then, once you have placed that crown back on your head you can return to the other person and offer your richness once again.
I've never forgotten that and it's led to a happy marriage for 14 years. Also works with friendships and working/business relationships.
I really like this.
I think most people have heard the "you need to work on yourself first" advice, which just feels unhelpful.
And I've always felt that people calling themselves "king" or "queen" is them being narcissistic.
But this advice nicely reframes both of those things into a really good mindset.
I've always been great at medieval international diplomacy but awful at maintaining romantic relationship - thanks to your comment I can finally become master of my own destiny :)
Idk who said them first but I’ll never forget the men who gave me these two things:
And
I you want to do something, you'll find a way.
If you don't want to, you'll find an excuse.
Sometimes I'm finding reasons not to do something (like exercise), and have to remember to stop looking for excuses and start looking for solutions.
A smart person learns from their mistakes, but a truly wise person learns from other people's mistakes.
"Learn from other people's mistakes. There isn't enough time in one lifetime to make them all yourself."
I've given a talk more than once titled "the mistakes I've made so you don't have to".
I never reveal the title in advance and it always gets a giggle but invariably grabs attention.
"Learn from the mistakes of others so that you can make your own unique ones."
When you feel uncomfortable, just let it be there. Dont try to push it away, feel it.
Mine is similar. A barrister once told me that you should be nervous before an important event like an interview or court appearance. If you aren't, all it means is that you aren't taking it seriously.
Marinate in it.
It sucks and it’s good for you.
“I shouldn’t have saved so much”. Said a friend a generation older than me. He retired when he realized he didnt need to work any more and that he wasn’t going to burn through all of his money. He said he would have rather spent it while he was younger and enjoy it.
Don't gotta worry about that.
Yeah, that’s definitely an older generation problem.
Sorry that the rainy day never came.
Sex is like air. It's not a big deal unless you're not getting any.
When someone shows you who they are, believe it the first time.
Also, if everyone you meet is nice, it's because you're a nice person. Conversely, if you think everyone's an asshole, you're the asshole.
Your second one ties right into my second one in the OP :)
The first one, I have a rule: I don't mind if you're a cunt to me occasionally. We're all a cunt occasionally. As long as you come back to me and apologise it shows me that you've considered your behaviour and who knows what caused it.
If you don't, I'll cut you out of my life like the fat off a pork chop.
Two from my mom-
I cut; you chose.
If a boy will cheat with you he will cheat on you.
How you get 'em is how you lose 'em
Poop on company time.
The boss makes a hundred while I make a dime. That's why I...
…ORGANIZED MY COWORKERS AND SEIZED THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION!!!
Two from the same guy.
Remember, you're not sick in traffic, you are traffic.
If you don't have time to do it correctly now, how are you going to have time to fix it later?
I've always hated that first one. I get the idea, but also you are stuck in traffic.
"Dude where are you? We're late"
"I am traffic"
"What?"
"Like your job. Love your wife." - Dell from Trains, Planes, and Automobiles. You can generalize that to say, your job is just a means to an end. Don't work a job you hate, but look elsewhere for true fulfillment in life.
“Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
I've heard of this one, but a little differently...
Don't sweat the petty things, pet the sweaty things.
"Slow is smooth and smooth is fast"
This has helped me learn nearly every physical skill I know.
In general terms, people as individuals = good. People in groups = bad.
A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky animals and you know it.
Oh yeah, they gain some courage to pick on people who are alone. Most of the nasty comments I've heard about me being said out loud have come from large groups when I'm just walking by and minding my own business.
"Stairs are lots of little floors which makes it easier to get between the bigger floors" - Philomena Cunk
"The good things won't be as good and the bad things won't be as bad as the mind lead you to believe." (Unknown source)
Cunk is likely the greatest philosopher of our time.
My experience is that the good things are often much better than i expect and it's my thoughts that make the bad worse.
I don't disagree with that, but I do think it's like physical healing. Sometimes, no matter what you do, things just aren't the same afterwards. And that's OK. You do the best with what you have, or you try, and sometimes it's easier than others.
Be a good person, not a nice person.
Maya Angelou: 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.'
Both destruction and development play on the lap of a teacher.
Oh that's a good one. I really like that as a parent.
Personally, this is one I given myself...
We're all idiots. It just depends on how much of an idiot you want to be.
Funny similar to mine.
We're all assholes, just have to figure out what kind of asshole you want to be.
Hey, great minds think alike!
That startrek quote about making no mistakes and still losing
As long as the building's still standing and nobody got hurt, it's been a good day.
Don't sweat the rest - especially off the clock.
"If they are willing to cheat with you, they are willing to cheat on you."
"By their fruits you will recognise them." - Big J
When people say A but they have only done/been B, assume B (even more so if they don't even acknowledge the discrepancy).
And yes, I agree, people are fundamentally good 😊, which is why great immorality shocks and disgusts us (well, most of us around the world at least): we're witnessing someone deny their humanity and act against it.
The Funamental Attribution Error is relevant here.
Wikipedia describes it like this:
Or, as it's often described in common parlance, we judge others by their actions but ourselves by our intentions.
I don't really think it's helpful to collapse a persons character into "good" or "bad". The vast majority of people think they're good, and that those actions they've undertaken which others might describe as bad were either misunderstood, or justified.
First of all, sorry for the long, rambling reply!
I agree that most people worldwide will probably not transgress in heinous ways but there's certainly a "collapse" to happen on the Day of Judgment, and we will find out which threshold we crossed with our acts (this is the framework at least a quarter of the world is working on, more or less, and mine too ofc)... evidently, we're not God so we cannot fully account for everyone's deeds or even fully comprehend the scale on which to place them but in our day to day lives we usually understand some people are lovely to be around and boons for everyone and others are selfish and immoral to wicked and despicable and we spend our time with them/avoid them accordingly. We can avoid the hard categories "good" and "bad", but IRL we do classify people in groups of "good enough to have in your life" and "bad enough to avoid" and, whilst some people are just difficult and mentally not ok/intellectually challenged but spiritually/ethically 'on the right track', others just show complete disregard for everyone else and are aware of it, they just simply don't care...
TLDR: There is such a thing as a "good" and "bad" people, even accounting for ignorance, stupidity and mental instability, and we can tell them apart by their objectively good and bad decisions and takes on those decisions (ethically speaking, ofc)... we just can't make a final judgment on it. We know the direction these things go but we don't know the equation on the scales nor have the computing power to figure it out. 🤷
I can't argue with a position that requires faith, sorry.
That's pretty fair (and polite!). 👍
I prefer Bonhoeffer's take: we should judge people less by what they have or do and more by what they are made to suffer.
If by that you mean "how they do when they suffer", making it as little of a problem to anyone else whilst also trying to stay hopeful and clear-headed enough to figure ways out of it/cope with it if it's unavoidable, then I guess I agree with Bonhoeffer? 👍
More like Jesus became a big problem for people with power and was made to suffer for it. Bonhoeffer was not saying that we should conceal our suffering in a way that it isn't a problem for others. This was is in a larger essay about how people cope with Nazism at the time, very clear-headed but was calling out those who did little because they didn't want to suffer and how we judged harshly those who lost everything.
When someone gives you a compliment, just accept it.
Paraphrasing from Terrence McKenna.
"The one thing that seems constant through all the years is that... nothing lasts. Nothing lasts. Which is good news for some but will bum out others. Your happiness is slowly turning into something else, while your sadness will also become something else."
I tend to look for wisdom in films/shows the most. Here are some of my fav quotes.
"Everybody needs help sometimes, Peter. Even Spider-Man"- MJ (Spiderman 3)
"I believe there's a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble. And finally allows us to die with pride, even though sometimes we have to be steady and give up the thing we want most—even our dreams." - Aunt May (Spiderman 2)
"You gotta let go of that stuff from the past, 'cause it just doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now"- Po (Kung Fu Panda 2)
"Go to the bathroom when you don't have to go so you don't have to go when you have to go"
Or, er, use the bathroom when one is available so you don't need one and there isn't one there. I can now use the restroom on demand even if it's not much just so I'm not desperate later and can find a better location.
I call that the preemptive strike :) Very fond of it as someone with a bladder the size of a five year old.
About drinking- If you think you're talking normal, you're sluring. If you think you're sluring, you're not speaking human.
From a keyboardist in a band- have a good time, all the time
From Billy Idol - Too much is never enough (though I did have to unlearn this latter in life and get into treatment. Still, fun while it lasted)
his name was viv savage.
the band was spinal tap.
long live marty dibirgi!
I run after the bus all the time and make it. Saves me ten minutes I can spend with the friend I’m visiting.
Edit: plus it’s extra gains
Every day is leg day when you're late for the bus.
And it is good cardio when you have a super heavy bag and a brunch of obstacles (humans).
If you have to run for like half an hour or more to catch your bus, then yeah, that's cardio.
From others in general - Always invest in the things that separate you from the ground; shoes, tires, and your mattress.
From a coach I knew - Every so often sit down and make sure your actions fit with your goals. It's easier to get off course than you think.
From my father - The Hassle Factor. A job can give you three things, enough money to make up for the time you don't have, enough time to make up for the money you don't have, and a sense of satisfaction. If you aren't getting at least two of the three, the job isn't worth the hassle.
You'll never meet a hater doing better* than you.
*Definition of "better" is left as an exercise for the reader
I'm not sure if it's objectively right, but I do totally support this because I think it's right "for you" - as in, if you think someone's a bad person they won't be right for you. If you think someone's a good person, they'll be right for you. (This isn't on a first impression basis though)
I agree with that 100%.
The context I was given it in was more about how you view the world. So if you think that people are good you'll invariably find the good and vice versa.
I got told something along the lines of: If I undersell my work, it's like pissing on my own work when I sold it bellow market rates.
I got told this by an old junkie guy who got a DUI and disappeared one day.
Well with getting a DUI your labor rates are well below market rates, you may have junked your car, and you might have pissed yourself.
Might be the source of his problems but at least the guy had an ethos.
You choose which emotions to empower and which to discourage. I think Buddha said it?
Basically, you really can choose to focus on the good parts of life/an event and you don't have to let the negatives consume you.
In regards to having children. "You're going to fuck them up in some way no matter what you do, just try to minimize it"
Expanding on the second point: we are what we focus on. if you are practicing to be the type of person who believes people are bad you look for the evidence of bad in people. “Everyone lets me down”. To do this requires discounting and avoiding and ignoring the good that people do.
This means if you do this sort of thing you’re also not that great of a person.
Just imagine being on the other side of it: think of all the nice things you might do for such a person and got overlooked because they focus on complaining about all the bad people in their life all just to prove people are bad.
Never hold onto anything so tightly that you can't let go.
"if you have a problem, you can either solve it or you can't. If you can fix it, no problem! If you can't, no point in worrying about it!" -from a cartoon sheep from Garfield and Friends, turns out this is writing a bodhisattva.
I'm shit at implementing this wisdom but it's still pretty good.
very similar to my beloved, the serenity prayer. one of the few pieces of Christianity that I hold near and dear to my heart.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference"
Being is better then having and having is better then seeming.
Ps: If you are reading this share your 2 cents about the above. Came up with it myself!
Lots of people on the internet are competing for who is the most contrarian.
No, we aren't.
Oh I didn't mean that I am a contrarian, obviously we are the exception 😉
the grass is greener where you water it
I like this one a lot.
Don't apologize for being yourself.
(Unless you're a narcissist. Then you probably should apologize.)
kinda self defeating, a narcissist wouldn't.
I wonder how many here just quote themselves.
From the safest places come the bravest words - The Sound
That's just stupid and makes literally no sense outside of whatever the reader's brain cooks up.
brave words
And now I feel safe wow maybe it was right all along
Never fart while taking a pee...you might just shit your pants.