First : sorry you are going through this.

Second : yes most guys won't get the support they need. It sucks.

Third : yes you have shitty people around you

The people who you thought were your friends aren't. Forget about them. Forget they exist. They aren't worth your time.

Figure out what you like to do and join a club or group and move forward. Not just get over it. In that new group look for support there. Look for better friends there.

Without knowing more about you, it's hard to say anything for sure. I can make a bunch of guesses.

One possibility: you didn't cultivate your relationships as well as you thought. A lot of guys sink all of their "intimate relationship energy" into their partner, instead of spreading some out to friends and family members.

Maybe your ex ran a successful long-term hit campaign on you. That would fit with the cheating and the emotional abuse.

Maybe it's due to the period of life that your friends are in. If everyone's in their early 30s, they're probably dealing with climate change, economic stress, children, etc. Doesn't leave a lot of emotional bandwidth for someone you don't already have deep ties with.

Maybe it's a broader cultural thing. Guys tend to get the short end of the stick in general with breakups. We still don't teach boys and men to explicitly emotionally support each other. We still don't, as a society, emotionally support boys and men in general. Single dads get custody far less often, etc etc.

I'm not blaming you or exonerating you. Your situation sucks and knowing all the possible whys and wherefores probably won't help you as much as figuring out what to do next.

Bro. I am gonna be real with you.

I was in an abusive relationship too. She cheated on me at 30 and blamed me. I am not going to sugar coat this.

It will fuck you up for a great long while. This all happened to me in 2020. I've been through intensive outpatient therapy. I've lost 100 lbs.

It still hurts when it comes to me. You are grieving. This ain't depression. 40% of men who experience an unfaithful long term marriage commit suicide. You are heartbroken. You are realizing this ain't you.

It will get better. Little by little. And I still have a long ass ways to go. I'm not even officially divorced yet.

I'm not going to give you advice, because the only thing I understand, is that I finally found me again, and I like that dude a hell of a lot more than I like who I was with my ex.

But it's going to suck the entire time. The entire 5 years has sucked. But I finally see a light. There is a pinprick of light. I'm heading towards it. You can't see it yet. I understand. But it's there.

Yep.

Everyone in my life was done hearing about my divorce LONG before I was ready to stop talking about it. But, I just had to shut up and carry on, or risk driving them away.

I am turning 50 this year and laying in bed next to a woman who just cheated on me again.

I wish so fucking hard I could turn back time.

I parked my car in the garage, rolled down my window and went to sleep. I was shocked/disappointed I woke up when the car was running out of gas.

It sucks so fucking hard that you love this person and you have given so much, but then you realize they don't feel the same about you and then realize you don't even know who you are anymore.

Are you even someone without this person?

Take it day by day. You need to find out who you are again.

I'm sorry you don't have support. No one to validate how you feel, help you heal.

Please stay strong. Please keep looking.

Please find yourself again.

I too had to completely rebuild my friend network after my divorce. It was and still is to some degree an ongoing issue. I also had support from my mother. All of my close friends either ghosted me or literally took the side of my exw. Seeing people I knew for a decade or more walk away or take the side of my ex was humiliating and hurtful.

My ex was an expert on abuse. She was a counselor and therapist herself. Knew all the tricks.

That was 15 years ago. The first year is hard. After that, it gets better because you will focus on yourself, physically and mentally. And you'll be careful about future people, friendly but cautious, maybe wary. Try to remember who you were before marriage. The second year will be better, healthier. You'll still have moments of grief and sadness and loss but you'll be OK. It'll give you time to regain ownership over yourself.

In time, you'll be good, maybe 33M, and thankful you don't have a cheating abusive person in your life to steal more years from you. You got this.

Same here man, it was many years ago. My ex was crazy - I don't mean the kind of crazy like "everybody has a crazy ex crazy," I mean literally crazy. I never knew whether I was coming home to someone weeping uncontrollably with her face buried in the couch - or bleary eyed with rage, screaming - pulling knives on me in the kitchen and threatening to kill me in my sleep. I am not exaggerating.

Five years of this shit getting increasingly worse before I finally said "this ain't living" and pulled the plug. She tried desperately to get me to change my mind, but I was done. Then she turned on me in earnest, lying to everyone I knew and telling them all sorts of crazy shit. They should have known better - these people grew up with me, they knew I was a good guy.

But here's the thing (and it still bugs me to this day) - when you're the one doing the divorcing, you're the one who gets blamed, right or wrong. There's this sort of unspoken rule that the partner that wants to keep the marriage around must be the one that's blameless. Nevermind if they're abusive, manipulative, gaslighting pieces of shit who fuck around on you - they only want to make the marriage work!

But there's a silver lining. People always get the truth eventually. She won't be able to hide her true nature forever, and eventually people will come around. When they do, they will come to you and they will apologize. In the meantime, get your counseling, know it isn't you, be good to yourself, and find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

I am married to my second wife now for over 15 years. She is, was and always will be: NORMAL. Thank goodness. Sometimes you can wonder if it was maybe somehow partly your fault. A good woman will disabuse you of that notion.

I got love bombed and stripped of my support network over time. After the divorce it took about 5 years to rebuild my friend network. She’s still the same as she ever was. I kept being myself, and I’ve bloomed as a strong member of my community and my life is much better than coming home to play a grey man for a narcissist.

It. Will. Get. Better. Celebrate the freedom from a bad situation. Be who you are, and the best version of that. I spent days crying in the beginning, but I went through it and I’m strong now. Hopefully you find that seed in yourself as well.

Yes, you appear to have shitty people around you, and sadly it is very common for men to deal with this after a divorce. Keep talking to a counselor, dude.

My circle of friends before and after my divorce are almost completely different. Only 1 of my college friends stuck around. And my ex straight up moved across country. So it's not like they were supporting her and not me. I would recommend you do what I did. Pick up a hobby that requires you to interact with other people. I picked up dancing and Dungeons and Dragons. It really helped me build new friendships and restart my life. It really sucks, and it's extra hard building relationships when you are in your current state, but it does help.

I'm three years out of being divorced after 15 years of marriage.

It, yeah, um... yeah, dude. I got the same treatment. People's immediate family and lives all take precedent.

I basically took gasoline and a match to my life predating 2022 and went scorched earth in retaliation. Now I'm mostly family, or fuck off while I keep my head in books and hobbies.

People imo are the ultimate letdown, held up by the idea that humanity means something. It doesn't. Pet a cat.

If the people you thought you were close to have ghosted you and are supporting her instead, consider that she may not be honest about the reasons you are divorced and has convinced them she is the sole victim.

It sounds horrible, and one would hope a true friend would ask for your story first. But it's pretty common to readily believe the women are the victims in unhealthy relationships, especially of men.

We dont want to judge, dismiss or blame victims, so we readily believe people when they claim to be one. This is especially true of women.

I still remember the look of dawning realization on my little brothers face, when he complained to me of the same lack of support from friends, as he endured a nasty divorce, and I pointed out that he had never once contacted me during my own divorce..... People who are in their own marriages, feel threatened and uncomfortable when others are divorcing. People who have never been through a divorce themselves, usually don't know how to respond. Grief is not something most people train for, or know how to deal with until it happens to them personally, so you may find more support and empathy from older friends or relatives. Don't forget to look forwards sometimes, too. There is life after divorce, even though it may take a little while to realize it.

I had something similar happen when I was much younger.

When I was in the relationship, the girl manipulated all of our friends into believing I was cheating on her, giving them sob stories, and telling them about evidence she found that did not exist.

They had no reason to doubt her so they all invited her to move out from our place and in with them, I had no idea any of this was going on and when we were all together everything seemed normal.

One guy in that group of friends stood up for me and said she was full of shit but no one listened to that dude...until her lies came crashing down because I found out she was cheating on me. She left the state within a week and that friend group sat me down and told me about everything she had said and done.

My guess is your ex is similar. She's probably been playing your friends for a long time and they have no reason to doubt her.

Younger dudes who haven't gone through shit aren't able to empathize with what you are going through. They don't have the emotional maturity to understand how and when someone needs some support. Finally they are still fighting against what they think society expects a man to be. All of which means that men hide their feelings from other men and expect other men to do the same or else they are week or something is wrong with them. Which is complete and utter bullshit. You are not the problem their programing and lack of life experience is.

With all that being said. How are you doing today? Are you able to get out and socialize this weekend? Have you considered picking up a new hobby that you have to do with other people? I recommend scuba diving. Good luck and check back in periodically because we want you to thrive.

Love to see so much support here in asklemmy. This community is really great.

I went through divorce at the age of 27 and is one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. It is a lot like a death. Obviously not of a person but a dream and perhaps an identity. It's the type of thing that can feel like a personal failure and really leave you feeling hopeless and in despair.

In the first months I don't think it's reasonable to expect that the feelings will just go away or even lose their potency, and they can be extremely powerful. Perhaps they just become muted more and more as time passes and you fill your life with other people and activities. Hell, to this day (now I'm 45) I still think about her occasionally and wish it could have been a different outcome, but so much of my life since that time never could have occurred had I stuck with her. In other words I've come to learn that while I'm grateful for the good times we had, I'm also grateful that it ended and I too could move on.

The most important thing you have to do now is find out who you are as a single man - and as a human - by nurturing and taking care of this new found sense of loneliness. Find your new identity. I think you really have to lean into the pain you're feeling and express it deliberately. Let it move and let it get out of you.

It especially helps to fill your time with activities you love that also nurture you. Maybe that's being outdoors, maybe that's gaming, whatever it is you know it better than anybody.

We really need healthy people around to support us during this kind of time and it's a shame that the people you thought would be there aren't. Maybe they can still be your buddies but now you know they're not the type to really have your back when the shit hits the fan. But those kind of people are out there and now it's your mission to go figure out where they are.

You need to find a new circle. Pick up a new hobby with a community. Kung Fu for me was great. Exercise aside, the classmates are supportive and the community is great.
Find one that would work for you

Unfortunately, your ex may just be better at playing the victim. And if you're US based, our legal system leans heavily in support of the ex-wife. Especially in the south east.

I know it's a cliche bit of advice at this point but you should seek therapy. I know that isn't the same as support from family and friends but based on how you seem to feel triage is what you need to aim for.

There are support groups for divorced men. I highly recommend selling them out. And if you just need to vent you can DM me. I can't promise to be constant, but I don't mind chatting when I can.

I find most everyone I know had been just keeping afloat even before this year and now are facing more disruptions. Most can't handle knowing someone needs help because they are not in a position to give it. May not apply to your case but its something I see in my life.

Yeah that’s a tough one and all too common. As someone with a similar story: it’s not you.

There’s definitely a gender stereotype thing where men aren’t expected to need help, but the other side may be that they don’t know how or when to give help. I know I was certainly clueless until it happened to me. Of course I would do anything to help my buddies if they asked, but it would never occur to me to offer nor even ask. Pretty shitty, I know, but that’s what society expects. I don’t know if your friends were true friends, but is it possible they don’t know what to do?

I’m happy you have a counselor so there’s at least one person there for you. It’ll take time but stick with it. You can do it.

For me I had my kids. I try not to lean on them but definitely still have my life organized around them, so the worst of the divorce may still be ahead of me when they’re in college this fall and it hits me I have no one. It’s also really helped to have my ex’s dog. I warned her she was not in a place to care for a dog but she got one anyway. Works pretty well for me: I’m not home enough to care for a dog, but we effectively have joint custody so I get the dog when I am home. I’ve been somewhat successful starting new hobbies but as an introvert I haven’t been able to turn it into new social connections. Yet.

Hopefully there’s something encouraging in there for you, or at least know that it’s not just you

My man, i know I am just a random internet person, but please let me (at least virtually) hug you. I mean it.

A divorce is trully a tough process, and you have the right to feel affected by it. You are not "exagerating" things or being unreasonable. So don't think that they are right when the say "simply get over it".

Having said that, I please ask you not to take any strong decision right now, we (all humans) don't think correctly when we are severely affected by emotions. That's simply the human nature. So try by all means to invest in yourself, therapy, gym, read philosophy (Stoicism is a good start), observe life, therapy again, learn something new, maybe move to a different city to mark a new start...

The sun will absolutely shine again, and you will be proud of yourself for your growth and for having gathered strenghts when there were none.

You can do this. This feeling is not permanent. Please remember that.

Again, a huge hug for you, my fellow human. You can pass this chapter.

Anecdotal, but this has been my experience in every big breakup. All of them were abusive, most physically so, and all of them got to keep the shared friend group. People are shit.

Hey man. Late to the party but I feel for you.

Listen, good friends, the lifelong ride or die types- are rarer than fucking diamonds. There are maybe two, maybe three people you meet like that in your whole life. If folks you thought were like that actually aren't, that sucks but it's not an indictment of you or your character. Its just the odds. Lots of people suck and go where the good times are, not where they are needed. And it doesn't mean you can't meet those diamond people later in life.

Suicide is often seen as an escape because people feel trapped in the "now". They can't see the future ahead of them. Well, let me tell you as someone was cheated on, got divorced, had a nervous breakdown, (9 months of meds, doctors and living with my parents) and built his life back brick by brick - new people, new town, new job- you have a future. I'm closer to 40 than 30 these days, and I'm telling you the pain fades. You have a future waiting, if you can get there.

My practical advice is limited. You're going to feel how you feel for as long as you need to. For me, it was more the shame than the heartbreak. I felt like everyone could see my "failure" stamped on my forehead. That was bullshit, but no amount of people telling me so reduced that feeling. But it is just a feeling. Being cheated on is not a character flaw. Being abused doesn't mean you deserved it. You've got to win the internal fight first - realize that feelings aren't always reflective of reality and pull out of the tail spin. How you feel is a distortion, and it can be modulated. You'll get there.

They're not friends, they're acquaintances at best.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, hopefully you can find some better people to put your energy into. If not, Lemmy is a pretty supportive place. Sometimes strangers are nicer than friends.

I think the devil is in the details...

I have a couple who were close friends, they separated and initially we tried hard to support him as it seem he would have continued the marriage but she was the one moving away from it. Our thought process at the time was "she has something to look forward to, he seems to feel left behind"

We did not treat her badly or anything but did basically cater to his every need, providing as much support as we could.

Then, once the initial shock was over, he started attacking her in every possible way. And on top of that, he started shunning our every invite under the pretext "he didn't want to accidentally run into her" which was complete BS as we did not regularly hung out with her.

Finally, she was so broke after years of court battles that she opened a go fund me campaign and we donated some money. Well well well, this friend who had all but shunned us suddenly calls me raging that I am helping her and by doing so undermining his righteous effort to take vengeance on her.

All of this to reiterate that the devil is in the details... were these friends actual friends of yours before the divorce? did you concern yourself with their needs back then? have you been an asshole to them before, during or after the divorce? There is a real chance these were not great people to begin with, but I find it hard to believe that all your true friends decided to just ghost you for no reason whatsoever

Bro. We’re men. No one cares about us or our feelings. When you come to grips with that. You can explore more self healing directions to go. No one wants to hear about our problems. Also. Your friends are not friends. Find new people if you can.

Trust me. After my ex cheated on me and left me. I felt like death for years.

BUT! It definitely will get better one morning. Just keep your chin up. Brush off the anxiety and go out and see the world.

Because real life isn't a movie filled with people standing by to assist the main character in the third act. People are generally shit, and you are the only person who actually cares about you. It sucks to learn this particular lesson in such a brutal way, but it's an important lesson nonetheless. Move on and make this a footnote in your success story.

Signed, another person with your exact same experience.

Those aren't your friends and never were, good people don't treat each other like this.

Your ex sounds like my ex, narcisist who is definitely playing victim behind your back.

You're still young, there's loads more out there now! I've found as I've got older the dating aspect of life is better than in my 20s . I dunno what else to say except for there's loads to live for man.

Because you're a dude? I'm just guessing but that's kinda been my experience: Tough time? Nobody really gives a shit. Man up, tough it out, etc. All that shit. Glad you're getting counseling though, that's some fucked up shit.

You're losing friendships by asking for support? Something's missing here...

I was in a similar situation about 8 years ago. Married my dream girl, she seemed perfect for those years of flirting and dating. Didn't really notice that she'd slowly separated me from my support network. After we got married it was like a switch was flipped, I was always on the defensive, everything I did was wrong, I was always the bad guy. Woke up one day feeling like it'd be better if I just wasn't around anymore. Stewed in my misery for months before realizing one evening that there was a source of my misery. Spent another couple of months feeling too embarrassed to do anything. Then one day she was giving me shit over some nonsense and I just blurted it out. It wasn't easy, but things slowly got back on track. I focused on myself and what was in my control, got back in shape, found time for hobbies I'd left behind, brought myself the joy that was missing. Now I'm happily married to an amazing woman who's provided me with an equally amazing child and it's hard for me to even remember the anguish I was going through.

Obviously our situations aren't the same, but I just wanted to share and let you know that things get better. Some friends will filter back in, some won't. Any mutual friends I had with my ex are just gone, she made sure to put barriers between us with shit talking and lies; fuck them too, they weren't true friends.

People who are depressed often are unable to adhere to unwritten cultural social rules.

People in theory like to see themselves as supportive, but still will not react well to people violating unwritten cultural norms.

Example:

"i am so sad, this awful thing happen."

"Don't worry bro, it will get better, just pump iron and time will heal all. Hey do you want to see a funny video of my dog trying to bark at a roomba?"

(Awkward silence, breaking social rule of reciprocity) (long pause) "sure..."

(Video of dog)

(No laughter or comments, breaking rule that friends are supposed to be fun, react to things)

Result: next time depressed guy calls, "bro" will be too busy to pick up

Because people want to think of themselves as reliable and always there and supporting mental health, "bro" will never admit to himself the reason he is doing this, nor will it even be logically articulated. Instead he'll think "i feel bad but im so busy lately" and just not take the call or forget to answer

This is completely in contrast with someone who is slightly depressed or dealing with something slightly difficult but not actually that depressed and able to adhere to social norms. For that person, they will get tons of superficial sound-bite support in between other normal acceptable activities and conversations. The "supporter" feels like a super hero for caring about mental health, and really it's just two people hanging out, neither of whom really have major mental health issues.

I would suggest if you are really brutally clinically depressed, do not interact that much with your network until you are feeling a bit better because people are that shallow sometimes. Instead, do things like volunteer at community organizations in which more hands on deck is good, and if you cancel it's not a big deal. (ie making food for homeless people)

Also the truth is many people are shitty in general. I don't think this is something caused by you. I also think that much of the advice about mental health and depression is about making paychiatrists and mental health professionals look good and people feel good.

things like "talk about your mental health issues" and "help is available" and "prioritize mental health" all feel like lies that make other people feel better. But what if instead the truth was told? "Prioritize having food and being able to pay rent. Do not talk about your mental health issues ever except to trained professionals. Help is available and horrendously expensive; if you can cry and be sad 6 months and then go back to normal without rip-off doctors and professionals, you are much better off."

So it's not you at all. People are assholes and the mental health industry gives lucrative self-serving advice to glorify and protect the industry while screwing over people who would be better helped by the truth.

That sounds really tough and I'm so sorry you've been struggling. It's really good that you have a counselor and you're talking things through with someone who will help you learn how to advocate for yourself. The people in your life who were ghosting you might be a combination of shitty people and people who are afraid/uncomfortable with your new lifestyle. The only thing that matters now is tending to yourself and building a life that fits and feels right. Lots of good advice on here about finding hobbies that keep you engaged and will support you in finding new friends. If anything I'll be your friend and check in with you, so hit up my dm's anytime.

Same here. My ex husband told everyone that I cheated on him. I mean, considering the fact that nobody ever asked for my side of the story, I suppose they weren't really friends anyway.

I'm going through a divorce right now. For the most part the friends and people I've told have largely been supportive of me. I think it helped that I had friends that were my own and not shared with my ex-wife. The shared friends we had together have mostly supported her, but they were her friends before we had met. One of the things I have done since splitting is getting more involved with my hobby that is improv theater. Finding a hobby where you are around others can help with building a group of friends who know you not through your ex or past relationship. It would make it more likely that they would support you and not her.

Yeah this is what men deal with & guess what you'll be gaslit into thinking that YOU WERE THE PROBLEM all along eventhough evidence suggests otherwise.

Men tend to really struggle to make and maintain friendships. That's not just you. Anyone who thinks you need to "get over it" can get fucked. Healing from an experience like that takes time.

It sounds like you're already going to therapy. The other thing that helped me a lot was self-care. Be intentional about doing things that you enjoy. I spent lots of time fishing and playing golf. It was therapeutic in its own way.

Are you ok?

Hey man. That sounds insanely hard, I'm so sorry you're dealing with it alone without support.

Just want to say that I've had a similar experience. When I was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago at 27, I was and still very much am so frustrated, disappointed, and heartbroken by the lack of support around me. My family and friends didn't reach out in any way, acted like nothing was happening, I was dealing with it on my own, without so much as a "how are you doing?".

I don't have much to offer you, I don't have answers. But I know when I went posting online looking for some, the solidarity of others with similar experiences helped keep me sane.

I'm a nice, good looking, talented young dude. It's not me, it's not you. At least for me, I happened to grow up in a culture where men don't show feelings or need support. My girlfriend gets more support for dealing with my condition. It frustrates and saddens me beyond belief.

The small solace I've had is that I've been given the gift of knowledge through this experience. I've dealt with my mortality very young, and have a perspective on life my friends couldn't have yet. There are others that get it, and you'll find them. I lost who I thought were my close friends but gained close friends out of people I rarely thought of as friends at all.

People suck and are incredibly, inherently selfish. A lot of people do care but you can literally get cancer and they won't break social norms to show it. Don't take time waiting for these people. In my experience, the cancer wasn't the hardest part. It was this part of losing all my friends and family. People don't want to be around hard stuff.

Good luck, keep yourself grounded. It's not you, it's our broken and fucked up society. Find those that have dealt with these things, and focus on the dumb, small things that make you happy. I'm rooting for you.

There are friends and friends of convenience. Real friends stay by your side. The others show their colors eventually. I’m sorry for you but you’ll find real friends going forward.

Can you define what you were asking for in terms of support from your friends? I've not been married but I've been through some shitty breakups and I've never really even considered asking my friends for anything. Like I don't even know what they could do to help matters. I just had to deal with all the emotional stuff and move on. If anything I think a lot of them would have made the situation more toxic in their efforts to make me feel better.

I'm not asking this to tell you to get over it even though it probably sounds that way. I'm trying to understand what someone else in this situation is actually looking for that will help them. I'm sorry you're not getting what you need.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it sucks. The truth is, nobody cares about a man's suffering. There's something in a man's weakness that repulses most people. Even people that like you and would love to see you do good. When I went through the same I realized the only people who care are close family, people who can relate and people who have some interest in you. It sucks but you must know it's not about you.

That being said you have both sides to take into account. Your so-called friends are not your friends and they never were. Period. Erase them from your life. They deserve even less thoughts than your ex. When the chips are down they showed you what they were about. Now you know how worthless they are. Some people are not as lucky and stay in toxic and superficial "friendships" for years and that stops them from finding actual good friends.

And, non withstanding all that, a depressed and sad person is not a good company. It brings you down. And that's OK because we make sacrifices for the people we love. But if the person is in a vicious cycle of negativity and always complaining to the same person, it gets tiresome pretty fast. I'm not saying it's your case, it's just something to keep your mind on. Friends should support you but only you can actually fix yourself. Usually time heals everything but, if it's not, it's your responsibility to take care of your mental health (therapist, psychiatrist, etc). There's only so much a friend can do for you. And don't put all that weight on one person. Spread it around.

And stop talking crazy about ending it. It hurts. It's one of the worst pains I ever felt. It's almost unbearable. But it does get better. And eventually you will feel whole again. It's a hard road but there is paradise up ahead. But for now you have to walk through hell to reach it. But I promise you, it will be worth every step.

Men are taught not to care for each other

I dont know who you have around you, maybe they are shitty people. but I can assure you that it's not "just what guys deal with". it's taken time, but I built a support system of kind caring friends who show up. we're open and honest and vulnerable and emotional with each other. we talk on the phone and go to each other's houses.

you can build those supports too. it just takes time. ever been to a Recovery meeting?

Pretty limited information, but based on it being hard to imagine a group of compassionate people all siding with the person who did the cheating, my guess is that your "friends" probably suck. My advice isto sign up for a community college acting class and try hard to immerse yourself in it. Acting and getting involved in theatre totally cured my serious anxiety problems. There's something about it that helps you get unwrapped from yourself and want to explore other people and the world more. My other advice is don't define yourself as "the divorced guy" - especially when socializing with new people. They aren't gonna want to hear all the gory details. Dig into your personal interests and what makes you happy and focus on those things.

I split with my ex of 10 years (together while I was 18 thru 29ish) and took for granted what support I did have. I'm lucky to have had parents and adult siblings on my side.

You're doing a heavier lift than I had to. I'd have been in a bad place if I had no support. You were dealt a shitty hand. But the support is there, and you're on the right track to healing by seeing your therapist. Future you will be able to look back and see this for the learning experience it is. Today my wife and I tease past-me about some red flags I ignored about my ex.

I want to share Tragedy + Time by Rise Against with you. It may come across as intended for the bereaved, but its words do not gatekeep feelings based on the cause of them. (It says "she" once but don't get hung up on the gender.) In fact, I am tearing up right now at the thought that you, feeling what you feel, might find some solace in it.

Well,

You've got some support right here

Stay strong

My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.

This is the reason why. Your ex has managed to control the narrative and has manipulated the social atmosphere to ice you out. Emotional abusers are often very good at this. They mamipulate everyone around them.

And they are really good at choosing their abuse victims. They know who they can love bomb, who they can isolate, and who will keep their mouth shut.

I have been there. Watched people I thought were friends just evaporate, choosing their relationship with my ex over me. Realizing they were never my friends, they were "ours", and ij the end they stuck by her, the more openly social and boistrous one.

It's taken a long time, and many different therapists, but I've come to accept my experiences as abuse, as not my fault, and... sometimes... that I am worthy of love, friendship, and happiness.

I have found the books The Body Keeps the Score and Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving (available as audio books), as well as videos on toxic shame and attachment by Heidi Prieb, very helpful.

I know the words feel hollow, because they feel so far the opposite of true, but you are not alone. Many others have been through what you've endured, and have made it out the other side. There are people out there who will, one day, be so very glad to have you in their lives.

Some day, when you're ready -- and much earlier than I did, I implore you -- you should join some activity groups. Take up a recreational sport, join a gaming group, take group acting lessons, join a choir... anything that is a) casual and b) a group activity. Bonus points if it's something you always enjoyed, buy your ex tried to excise from your life. This will help you rebuild your social network, and let you reconnect with yourself.

Physical activity and a healthy diet is also important here. It may be the last thing you want to do, but it actively helps fight all of your worst psychic injuries. Not only is it physiologically good for you, it's psychologicallly good for you. You know that it's good for you; your brain knows it. Doing healthy things means choosing to care about yourself. You need to actively choose yourself at every step of the way. It trains your mind to see yourself as worthy of care.

Oh, and ritually burn things that were hers, or that were shared and tied to your relationship. You don't need them. You don't need her. You're going to be better off without her.

You are heard! ❤️

What got me through what sounds like a very similar divorce for me was being a part of a hobby with an inperson community that met weekly in every large city around me.

I drove probably 300 miles a week going to events to do anything to get my mind off life and spend time with people I actually liked, doing something I enjoyed.

Things that come to mind that will meet this are martial arts, fighting games, and outdoor activities (like biking or hiking groups).

What is your routine like? Do you go to work? Volunteer? Have hobbies?

I ask this because going through a breakup — any breakup — involves a grieving process. Part of grieving is about moving on. A big part of doing that is finding new things to do, new people to talk to, and new things to talk about.

Counseling is good, but talking to other friends and family about her can make it very difficult. If you meet someone new — doesn’t have to be romantic, can be any gender, can just be a friend — can give you a person to talk to and topics to discuss that involve you and your interests and have nothing to do with her.

When you’re in a relationship for a long time a lot of your thoughts and even the objects around you in life get tangled up in that so that when she’s gone these things still remind you of her. What you need is to be selfish — grieving is a selfish process — because you need to reorient your mindset around yourself and taking care of yourself.

Lastly, I think it’s also helpful to have a third space where you can focus on stuff completely outside yourself and all that. For me it’s been volunteering as a tutor for high school kids. It gives me a time and a space each week to forget about everything and focus on something else. Helping kids and seeing them learn is a nice bonus for that. That may not be your cup of tea though, but something else may be! If you aren’t already into volunteering I’d encourage you to look into some volunteer organizations near you and try to find one that fits your interests.

My family abandoned me after my divorce - my ex husband did some fucked up manipulative shit. (“I want us to be poly/for you sleep with another guy” -> “he cheated on me” when I finally did it to both of our entire extended families.)

What has helped me coped more than anything is new hobbies. Rebuilding a self. I started taking pottery classes and made some outside social connections. Art is a really good means of the self exploration that teaches you who you are and what it means to be a person again. Therapy of course, but you have to find someone that clicks with you.

It’s been about two and half years since it happened. (Well, the divorce itself was a nightmarish year long hell.) I’m finally starting to feel like myself again.

I’d say Google your local vo-tech or library. Show up to cooking classes or book clubs or something. Something new, that honors the new person you must become.

What you're going through right now is the process of discovering the phone numbers you can stop answering. The flat tires you can stop changing, the computers you can stop fixing, the lunches you can stop lending, the favors you can stop doing.

hey man, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

some people in here are taking the view that society is less kind to men than to women. everyone's entitled to their opinion, I guess.

I wanted you tell you though that I share your experience to some extent; I went through a breakup maybe 6 years ago and I lost almost all of my closest friends in that breakup. I'm not even on bad terms with my ex, lol. but it did just shake out that way. I've needed to build new roots, and I've had to do some introspection and learn how to go about building roots (partly since I'd moved to a new place).

hang in there. I don't really want to say "let yourself move on" because your story is part of who you are, and right now that breakup and that rift with those friends is such an immediate and intense part of your story, but I promise it will become much less immediate and less intense with time.

Are you ok? I cant do much for ya but sorry no one has gotten outside themselves enough to see youre hurting.

Counseling. Please. Quickly.

https://988lifeline.org/

Call or text 988 for help with suicidal thoughts

Do not try to "gut" through things alone

In a variety of ways, people communicate to men, 'Please don't need anything from me, because I have nothing to give you.'

If it's been that long and it's still getting worse, you should see your PCP or a psychiatrist if you haven't already. There are many treatments for depression, and a doctor can help identify underlying medical causes that could be contributing.

It’s how it goes. Same thing happened to me at 30, it sucks. Just be happy you don’t have kids together I’m guessing, then you’ll be connected forever attending weddings and graduations. Time to make a clean break and move on, not worth your time to dwell on the past.

It's really hard to know why people haven't been supportive without knowing you and them better. But how do you know and interact with these folks? Do you have them over for drinks? Play games online? Do they all know each other? Did they know you or your ex first?

I don't have any great advice, I'm sorry. But if you live in Oregon I'll totally buy you a beer and listen to your story.

Because we are the problem. Never them. It takes a decade of shitty treatment to be seen as the problem. Everyone expects you to keep on keeping on and quit complaining.

I only say this as being divorced for a decade now. My son lives with me since her Insanity is apparent to him. I get sympathy from my family now, but in the beginning I was on my own.

I'm sorry that you're in this position and I can unfortunately understand on a deep level on just how distressing it can feel to be alone.

This situation that you're describing is really painfully close to what I personally experienced with one of my own breakups.

Men are often viewed as the ones who should predominantly pull themselves up by their bootstraps and as such shouldn't be given empathy or the right to be listened to.

• an an Enby I've both seen and experienced this firsthand.

It really sucks that these kinds of disconnection happens when reality really doesn't have to be this way.

I unfortunately can't say anything that could possibly fix this landscape but please know that you are not alone. 💪

💖🙌 Your pain and emotional distress is real, you deserve love just as everyone else. 🔥💖

If possible, I'd highly reaching out to your local social empathy/mental help centres as I've personally found help there and they might be able to help you as well🍀🌻

Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with?

Those "two" possibilities might actually just be the same thing. This is what guys deal with BECAUSE people are shitty.

People generally don't go around looking to help others. People look for ways to make themselves feel better. People with a mantra of helping others may or may not be doing so, but they continue because it is helping them fill a hole in themselves.

I've never divorced, but I have had breakups, and I got over them by embracing the hobbies I had before (in my case, programming). That might not be a lot but it's a start.

Hey homie, I see you're a Canadian, so if you also are an Ottawan and want a sympathetic ear I'd be happy to buy you a beer and chat, and/or help you drown it out for an evening with pinball and loud guitars if that's your speed. Serious offer - if it's of interest don't hesitate to PM, if not no worries whatsoever. Edit: Shit - based on your MP you're not. Offer amended to if you take a trip out here/an open PM inbox

There's a lot of good comments in this thread. In my experience, it's a combination of factors - sometimes a product of your ex shit talking you to your friends, if they were "both of your friends"; often, simply a lack of ability to really relate/be helpful in these situations, and over time getting frustrated with that situation and just saying "bro, get over it". Guys often have a hard time sharing their emotions or holding space for those of their friends, for a lot of reasons.

I have more thoughts on this stuff, but don't know if they would be useful to you. The only thing I can tell you is that it can be a dark, lonely and painful road. But it can get better, and to be crude - it is 100% not worth killing yourself over some bitch (because, based on what you've shared, that's how she specifically was behaving and acting towards you) who made you feel like shit for a long time. All that would mean is that you let her define how your life ended. Fuck. That. You're worth more than that.

Because women get support for things like this while men don’t. Because equality = modern rights + old world preferential treatment.

My guy. I hear you and see you. It’s unfortunate the way things landed for you. Keep putting in the hard work. I wish I had more advice for you, but I’m down in the weeds in a similar “friend” situation myself.

I will say this: do things to take care of yourself. Keep the house clean, make yourself bonafide dinners, and treat yourself every now and again.

37m going through it now. Mutual aid groups have been supporting me and providing me with community.

Its likely those people just weren't your friends or even gave a shit about your situation.

Holy shit man, reading your story was just slightly diffrent than mine. Like looking into a mirror.

My partner broke up with me 5 months ago, we've been together for 11 years with a kid of 5 years old.

I lost it a couple weeks ago now and had to be checked into a mental facility. My sister is helping my ex and long story short no one is on my side. I have one friend and my Mum doing her best to help, but if you ever want to talk. I'm here for you dude.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sucks getting no to little support and being betrayed like this. Please if you're in a bad head space, I'll be here for you and do my best to get back ASAP.

I think I need sleep. I thought you were writing that you got $30 million after your divorce. I was wondering who you were complaining to.

On a serious note. Are you ok?

Sucks to hear that mate. Unfortunately with most breakups, many/most shared friends will “pick a side”, either by feeling like they need you or by being asked to by 1 or both of the parties. For whatever reason it sounds like your ex got most of them - possibly by lying about the relationship and break up, as cheaters tend to lie a lot.

You have to think of it this way - if this is how they behave, they weren’t real friends in the first place and you’re better off without them. It might not feel like it, but you’re better off without them.

It sounds cliche but hit the gym, unfollow and BLOCK her on everything, and invest in YOU. You’ll quickly make new friends when you want to 1 again, the gym is great for this. Working out makes you feel good, will make you healthier and better looking, and the people there are generally there for the same reasons.

I’ve been told, and from personal experience it seems right, that it generally takes about 3 years to get over someone you loved after a break up. It might suck till then, but one day you’ll just realize you don’t have any feelings at all towards them any more.

I just had an old friend hit me up to talk after his recent heartbreak. My dog had died my aunty had cancer and I’m at rock bottom with my finances. Haven’t heard from this friend in years. No idea what I was going through.

I realized all my friends from my youth were really shitty. Lack of reciprocal respect and kindness over the decades really dried up my empathy response. I sent him a rap lyric and wished him the best.

From my experience those emotions are wasted on others. This is completely anecdotal but something to reflect on. I get the sense that your friendships were not worth keeping and at this point it probably doesn’t matter whose fault that is.

You should seek some help or at least find a support group. Churches have them and usually aren't too godly about the if you are opposed to religion.

Also stay off social media. It's only a window into the best parts of someones life.

Men are disposable in a genetic and social sense

Add on top of that patriarchy hurts us too, forwarding the 'strong silent' fiction

Everyone is shitty nowadays, not just your circle

hitting half a century this year, no one except me has ever given a fuck about my struggles

Sounds like that toxic relationship continued through divorce with her making everyone "take sides" and stealing all support. Can't give you any advice, you could reach out to some of your closest friends... Or, just start fresh with new people.. like, moving to a new city or neighborhood.

Good luck! Stay safe and strong :)

Because Men aren't allowed to feel any emotion, and it's always our fault no matter what. Like how any type of masculinity is toxic and chivalry is considered rude or borderline SA.

And it's only getting worse.

Getting support is not always a given. Try to get some hobbies and new friends.

Hey dude, it sucks to be in your position now. Divorce is hard. You feel all alone and it seems the rest of the world just keep moving forward when all you really want is to stop and tend to this big wound that opened up.

People don't want to stop and see this wound you're dealing with because it makes them uncomfortable. I've experienced that the only ones who can empathize are the ones that have gone through something painful such as divorce, or losing a loved one.

I can't say if your existing friends were good/bad, but maybe you guys weren't close to begin with. I lost my "friends" during my divorce, some of it was me culling people out of my life because I realized they were just "fair weather" friends. I also realized that I wasn't a good friend to them either. New friends I made afterwards were closer because i shared my story with them and they accepted me. That's also why I made more friends with older single people, male and females, those who had seen some shit.

I got close with my siblings finally, which was amazing, I told them how I had suicidal tendencies or thoughts too. My family got super worried, but my brother's got close and checked in on me more. I made time for them too.

I know a message from an internet stranger may not mean much, but I wish you strength and kindness as you slog your way through to finding yourself again. You know that child that's deep down? That person that enjoyed doing whatever activity and got tremendous joy out of it? That guy. If you can, please look after that 12 year old version in your soul (hopefully that makes some sense).

May you be well.

Edit: spacing

Unfortunately a lot of people are going to assume you have it under control already and/or would prefer the solitude as you sort through it. That's not the extent of the issue, obviously, but that's a pretty significant compounding factor.

OP, are you OK? I hope you're ok. It sucks what you're going through and it is hard. You got this. ❤️

I'm so sorry you're going through this, even with support coping with a divorce and abuse is an extremely tall order. I've not been through that exactly, but as someone who's been cheated on before, and has been hospitalized for suicidal ideation a couple of times, just know that she doesn't deserve that degree of control over you. You're worth more than that, and suicide isn't a good answer. Pain is not worth your long term happiness, no matter what it tells you. I know it's hard in your darkest moments, but you have to push back.

I'm glad you're in counseling, don't be afraid if you need to get with a psych and get medication to help more, even just short term to get you over the hump. Not saying you need to, I just know some people are reluctant to take meds, but they can help sometimes.

I hope they come around though. You deserve support, and it's shitty that your friends aren't helping. This is a bit rambly, I guess the core message is you're worthwhile, you aren't a bad person, and suicide isn't a good solution.

I’m sure I’ll be downvoted to oblivion for this, but give ChatGPT or local LLMs a try for support. They are surprisingly effective, just keep the perspective that they’re about as alive as a screwdriver. They’re not alive and can’t form emotional or other bonds with you. Working through issues or thought processes or needed some base level support, they seem pretty decent at. Maybe it could limp you along to a building a support network.

Friends come and go, maybe you don't feel that way now but people can learn to live not depending on anybody for their well being. You just have to find your way and new friendships with the right people will show you that there is more to life than clinging on the past. Good luck!

Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with?

The latte,.been there done that 30 years ago albeit I keft (no cheating involved)

Good licwk amd hope u can come out the other side and not be bitter.

30 Million?

You're a man. No one has ever, or will ever care about you. That's how it works.