Going opposite directions at night, what should men do if approaching a woman?
Scenario: It's night, and a man is walking home. He sees ahead there is a woman going in the opposite direction as him. Knowing not to stop or approach her, but his presence makes her nervous. What would help further in this scenario if anything?
163 replies
Take a step or two to the side of able, otherwise just try to get past without eye contact. I worry more about coming up behind them and say good evening to let them know I'm there.
Take out your phone and pretend to look at it while you side-eye them aggressively. Everyone loves that!
Walk directly towards her, tell her she’s smoking hot and ask what she wants in her morning coffee
I kid. I kid.
But you know that’s what a lot of guys are thinking.
Make eye contact, smile widely, and enthusiastically extend my hand so she knows I'm not a threat.
No, I actually just keep walking, not altering my path. Occasionally will give them a nod, just like I'd give anyone.
If the woman is uncomfortable she can alter her path. I've been that woman before but have rarely felt uncomfortable enough to cross the street or whatever. I just keep walking and either ignore or give a pleasant nod to the man to let him know I'm chill and not scared and we're two normal innocuous people passing each other.
Maybe twice in my life my spidey senses tingled and I changed my path and got out of there. Our instincts protect us.
I just wave and go on my business. Unless they have a dog, in which case I say 'sup dawg' because that's what I do for all 3 dimensional dogs.
And for 4 dimensional dogs?
Since they're moving through time, I view them as a flipbook version of the 3 dimensional version, thus they also deserve a 'sup.
If you're referring to a dogserract, that's above my pay grade.
Pull your shirt over your head so that it covers your face and prostrate yourself.
Hi, I've just recently seen a post in which everyone was mixing up the spellings of prostrate & prostate.
That would be epic.
If this isn't a wrong answers only question:
I would be more comfortable if the guy gave me space, but as long as you are not accosting me, a "good evening" and keep going is fine.
If it's wrong answers only, choose any of the walks from the ministry of silly walks Monty Python sketch.
Ignore her like anyone else and let her decide on her own comfort zone walking by you? If some one sees you walking alone, and starts altering their behavior because of your presence, whatever their intention, it sends the message that you have been noticed, you are being watched, they are reacting to your presence, and this indicates some kind of interest or goal in an interaction.
So just keep waking, if she wants to cross the street, just ignore her. Definitely don't yell "It's okay I'm not a rapist!" or "I have a girlfriend already!", just let her do her thing, and you keep doing yours.
I usually turn around and start walking backwards, peeking quickly over my shoulder and looking increasingly worried because she's chasing ME and she's getting closer!
Don't make women the victim; be a gentleman and YOU be the victim.
lol I imagined you walking backwards literally, maintaining the original direction after turning around
That is good because that's what I meant!
HTH
It’s almost the same if you’re a woman and see a man who’s looking a little skittish
See a woman in distance. Puts hands behind his back (could be a weapon). Picks up the pace. Looks straight into the eyes, lock on, force a smile so you look like a psycho and say: you have beautiful theeth.
If she doesn't call the police or starts screaming then you surely didn't follow all the points.
Calling the police is normal, as it helps her to feel safer. Don't worry, this is a synergistic response to the situation.
HTH
Mind your business and keep walking. Don't be weird and stare. Maybe smile, nod your head, or say hello -- again if you can be normal. In any case keep walking.
This would be maybe normal here if it's not too late and it's a small town or neighborhood. In the major city I live in, I guarantee women prefer to be soundly ignored by any men passing by, since even during daytime you only talk to people you already know or have business with.
1 show up really drunk and high
2 take a dump on stage
3 smash the microphone into your head repeatedly
4 throw shit at the audience
5 smear shit all over yourself
6 roll around in the shit while actively bleeding
7 hug your fans on the street after getting kicked out of the venue
8 try not to OD and die at the party
Is that you GG Allin
No no no, all of these suggestions are wrong, some of them get close, but they don’t paint the whole picture.
Start off by just walking calmly, and then once she’s in your hearing range, give her a nod. Now, start snarling and quickly drop to all 4s as you gallop forwards and eventually past her. This is a sure fire sign to make sure that she knows she’s in good hands
Just act like a normal person, jesus christ
As much as this is the right answer, I understand where OP is coming from.
OP: to expand: you're not responsible for other people's fears or phobias. The best thing you can do is exactly that: nothing, just act as if the person were a guy you don't know. Trying to "prove" you're not a threat is exactly the thing a person who is a threat would do, so you're going to set off a whole bunch of alarm bells by doing that. And that's not just valid for women - at least I would be kind of creeped out if some guy did some of the things some people have mentioned in this thread.
Jesus Christ is an unusually high standard for a normal person to live up to.
Is it though? Seems to me it's more or less just don't be a dick, don't judge, and treat others how you want to be treated. Aside from the magic, JC seems like a pretty average bar to aspire to.
it was two bars, arranged perpendicularly
But I mean, then there's the running your hand through your long dark locks, and if your hair is short, that just looks weird.
Just normal men
As a woman, seriously, just give me the bro nod to acknowledge that I exist but am not that interesting to you and keep walking. If you go out of your way to show that you aren't a threat now I'm thinking you're a threat, and if you pointedly ignore me now I'm wondering if you are actually far more interested in me than you should be but you want me not to notice.
Brief eye contact while acknowledging that I exist tells me you aren't afraid of me remembering your face but that you aren't being weird and staring or trying to hide from me.
Bro nod and a howdy or evenin' are what I usually go with. I am usually walking with my husband though (we are both dudes) and my guy is scary-looking so if someone (man, woman or other) crosses to avoid us I fully understand and respect the situational awareness.
I like to have a smile as well. If I give the nod or even a cursory "hello" I try to have my body language say that I in no way expect or need any sort of response or acknowledgement.
I'd go with "Evening" over "Hello". The latter signals that you're trying to initiate a conversation, the former is just friendly acknowledgement.
I feel this is exactly what OP and others fear. Trying to optimize the best way to pass someone without being creepy or threatening. It can be maddening. Like, I see your point, but how far down that rabbit hole can we go? It's exhausting trying to not be weird which is ultimately weird itself.
That's just generally what I would do when passing someone at night. Polite acknowledgement, keep walking.
Which nod is that, a down nod or an up nod? I've always found up nod threatening tbh
I just find the up-nod extremely douchy in any circumstance
I'm feeling extremely vindicated! I hate it, and I dislike in general the idea that men "nod at each other to say hello"
Definitely a down nod. An up nod indicates that you want their attention.
See maybe it's my part of the world, but I've always seen guys use an up nod as sort of a "yo, 'sup fellow human" , and a down nod as a "hello there". The up nod just has a subtly more chill bro feel to it, but either is fine lol.
Now I need to go poll some guys.
For me an up nod is a greeting towards somebody I know, or at least have seen before.
And a down nod is an respectful acknowledgement towards a stranger.
Idk if anyone else reads them that way though...
That’s how I’ve always interpreted and done it.
I think there is a cultural thing around nods. I would definitely not recommend, in this situation, doing a nod that does not feel natural to you, so either do whatever nod you can actually pull off casually, or skip the nod.
There is also a locale specificity... Where I live, people don't usually nod or otherwise acknowledge strangers on the street. Some places you might be expected to smile and nod or even say hi.
TIL i've had it backwards all this time. oh well, guess i'll just add it to the mountain of "basic aspects of basic human interaction that i will now be overthinking on manual mode for the rest of my life" ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It's not universal.
In thia context i would interpret it as "Hey, it's pretty dark out here. Wanna buy drugs?"
Or just summoning someone to come over to you
I have always read it as down nod is for acknowledging someone you don't know/ know very well, and up nod is for people you know. The idea being you nod down to cover your vital neck while also making eye contact, in a sorta "I see/I am watching you if you try something". Up nod reveals the neck, showing trust and comfortability.
Let's see: "Sup? Let's fight" vs "Hello"...
Shit, now I’m self conscious about my nod reflexively being an up nod!
Shoot webbing at the closest streetlight, use it to swing to the to of the building across the street. The Rhino is trying to rob the bank again, stand back citizen!
Cross the street because what if she tries talking to me? It's night, I already did all my talking for the week I wanna be introverted alone.
Think fast hot shot! You both started crossing the street at the same time for the same reason and neither of you noticed until you're in the middle of the road. Now what?
Comic book logic says I'm the one getting hit by traffic
Turn around then realise that looks weird, turn back around, fuck it's even wierder now, check if she noticed, she saw me look at her, fucking hell now i have to think of something non-comittal and pleasant to say without it sounding weird.. 'uh.. nice lamps tonight?'
Meet cute. Keep trying to dodge the same way
Held hands in the ER while doctors were setting their broken noses.
I think this is how you form Voltron? Or like it's part of it.
What kind of question is this? You just act like a normal person and keep walking. Maybe step politely to the side to avoid crashing right into them
The question was raised on the women stuff thread, they recommended op ask here since it's women only over there.
You should tell her that you've been trying to reach her regarding her car's extended warranty.
/s
I appreciate you
Just don't be weird man, that's all you gotta do.
"Just don't be weird" is exactly the kind of thought that'd cause me to come off as weird. Suddenly every detail of what I do is manual and scrutinized by myself.
I live in a city, just do the same thing I do when walking past literally anyone - leave a few feet of space, eyes forward, ignore.
Forgot how feet work
At least she'll have a funny story about the creepy guy muttering "right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot" that she passed.
To tell you something that actually helps:
Keep your hands in view. Fidget a bit if you want.
If you're walking towards her, take a glance at her from about I'd say 5-10 meters away.
Walk a clear path. Pick a lane so she can pick hers to pass you.
Think of something else for a second. Look at a car, building, cloud.
Hit a street sign. You'll make her laugh, she'll feel 100% safe then.
In all seriousness now that should let her know you don't have any dangerous objects in your hand, she'll know you acknowledged her presence, and she'll see you're not 100% focused on her. That's kinda all a girl needs to not be weirded out.
:-)
@[email protected]
When do I hand her the note with large crayon letters misspelling "It's OK, I'm not weyrd or annything!", though? Using colorful and friendly letters, of course.
Man, that advice helped me a few years ago. Idk. It wasn't a massive difference but some people told me I act more natural, so I think it worked?
I used to be very awkward and pretty much every girl my age would avoid being close to me. Now that is not an issue anymore. Idk if that helped or other changes I made, or both...
Are you serious? I'm genuinely asking
Yea
Idk where I first heard these, I think they were separate though.
Afaik the hands thing is especially good.
It's like a malfunction in autopilot. Suddenly you have to take over the controls and it is painfully obvious.
But I was born weird!
Grandma used to say nothing breaks the ice like breaking wind so give a friendly toot as you pass.
I read somewhere that if an FBI agent is spotted by someone they are surveilling, they start picking their nose as a way to immediately seem normal and uninterested in the person. So you might be on to something.
Act creepy enough and she'll cross the street so you end up with the whole side walk.
Swear and call her names and she'll remember you and keep an eye out to avoid you.
I avoid troglodytes dog guy and floppy arms running girl. 2 golden retriever lady avoids me or at least I haven't seen her.
According to Brent Staples' essay from a few decades ago, about how to not be seen as threatening as a black man in the US: "And on late-evening constitutionals I employ what has proved to be an excellent tension-reducing measure: I whistle melodies from Beethoven and Vivaldi and the more popular classical composers. Even steely New Yorkers hunching toward nighttime destinations seem to relax, and occasionally they even join in the tune. Virtually everybody seems to sense that a mugger wouldn’t be warbling bright, sunny selections from Vivaldi's Four Seasons. It is my equivalent of the cowbell that hikers wear when they know they are in bear country."
If someone's out here in the dark with me being cultured, I am terrified.
That's eat my liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti energy.
I'm ngl, hearing a lone man whistling Vivaldi's "Spring" in the middle of the night while alone would be kinda terrifying.
Makes me think of clockwork Orange
Obviously you're not a new yorker.
True that. East coasters are weird.
Thank you.
We have a lot of serial killers. Not saying the whistling shit is connected but idk it might fucking be. 😭 I would sprint.
The problem with that is that I'm a senior with reduced lung capacity. I can only manage a couple of seconds, then I run out of air.
Can I just have my phone play it?
Learn to whistle while inhaling. It allows for a higher pitch and I can whistle continuously for nearly a minute without a single proper breath
If I understand the TikTok trend from a little while back, the solution is to pretend to be a bear.
Slowly lower yourself to all fours and start huffing to yourself hangry-ly
Then sniff her all over and poop on the ground before stomping away on all fours
Act like shes a salmon and open your mouth to try to eat her when she jumps upstream.
Women go wild for that, but I'd save it for the bedroom
Play dead, women are like bears.
What with the growing population world-wide it is not unusual to meet a human when you're out walking. Remember it's probably just as scared as you are. Try to keep your cool. Don't try to feed them, don't stare at them, don't photograph them. Don't run, or they might think you're prey. It's often best to just keep going and pretend you don't see them.
If it’s a brightly lit street, or with any other people about, I just mind my own business and walk past her. I usually hug the wall side so she won’t feel boxed in as we pass.
If it’s dimly lit, or at all sketchy, and there’s no one else around I’ll usually cross to the other side of the road. I’d rather walk a little extra distance than have someone be afraid.
What if she doesn't want other people going out of their way to protect their perceived feelings, and crosses the road at the same time? What then, huh???
I'd just keep walking on by and think no more about it.
Oh. That's a disappointing lack of shenanigans.
Disappointment is my métier.
Nothing will help this scenario with just 2 people.
You have to add a third party. The man needs to have a female companion, or a happy friendly dog.
If I walk alone, my 250 pound, six foot talk frame is viewed as a threat. If I take my brother's highly animated German spotted pointer with me, people approach me and want to pet the puppy.
Ah, so that's how you get them into the van.
The pup still doesn't want to go in the van. It's still afraid of the vet
Candy helps too.
One of the things I hate about the way I look is people are scared of me. Feels like just to exist somewhere, I either accept I'll be treated as a "thug", or I need to actively project an aura of civility. It's exhausting either way.
Totally different social experience if I have any feminine-looking person with me; people are suddenly nice and welcoming. Like I've been "vetted" as normal.
The safety dance. Oo the safety dance. Yes the safety dance. The safety dance.
We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind.
‘Cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance, then I’ll move to the other side of the road at a respectable pace.
Anyone else feel really allienated when people act like it's normal for women to have an anxious breakdown in the presence of, or interacting with a dude?
I don't want to downplay what some go through, or the trauma that people relive, but it's not normal or healthy to be living in constant fear of the opposite sex.
For all the guys who feel like their presence is an active threat to the women around them: just be normal. Be courteous, but don't treat them higher, or lower, than anyone else you meet. Feels weird I have to say that
Women have to be aware because most men can overpower us. When you move through the world surrounded by people bigger and stronger than you, and add in that we live in a patriarchal society where victims are rarely believed, you have to be very aware of what the people around you are doing.
Most men are fine. But we don’t know which men are or are not ok on the surface.
Breakdown no, anxiety yes especially when alone at night.
Be less autistic. Jesus.
It’s called having empathy and social awareness
Yes. Social awareness in this case is walking forward exactly as you were, and maybe nodding at the person you pass, as human beings do. Not crossing the road, or trying to demonstrate somehow that you're not weird, because that is weird.
And no, this is not what the previous post's question was referring to.
Yes but also, I’d say social awareness is asking this question to know what to do when you’re overthinking something simple.
Going out of your way to make someone who the world tells you might be perceiving you as a threat isn’t weird. It’s empathetic.
There are casual ways to do it but I get asked this question by men ALL the time.
They didn’t say anything about the previous post.
I honestly don’t like answering these because I haven’t been put off by many people in public and the ones who do don’t need an instruction manual on how to be disarming.
Nothing, ignore them and just keep walking
Ah it looks like the advice here is very similar to the other post.
I don't think "approach" in that context means "happen to get closer to because you are walking on the same sidewalk in opposite directions. "
This is a little bit of a continuation of a discussion that originated in another community.
But that's not what the conversation was about, so no it's not.
How so?
Start running until you pass her to make the awkward moment shorter.
But don't swing your arms, so it doesn't look like you're running. Just sprint forward with your arms at your sides.
as a man I prefer women to be afraid of me and cower in fear. makes me feel big and powerful. gets my dick hard! /s
just be normal.
that said, too many men are fucking creeps and sickos. choose the bear, girls, won't hurt my feelings.
Sometimes I’ll cross the street if it’s safe and won’t have to immediately recross to get where I’m going. If not I just keep walking and keep my eyes to myself, as long as you’re not being a staring creepass or looking her up and down you’re fine.
Just go where you need to be. Mind your own business, eye ahead so you see where you're going, and only stop if she trips or drops something. And that's not an invitation to start chatting - be helpful and go on.
I find putting a boundary between helps a lot. Even a basically meaningless one. Like walking on the grass while she takes the sidewalk. If you can’t cross the road.
If your really concerned call your mom or sister on speaker phone and chat with them for a min while you pass.
Are you serious? No, that doesn't help, that just looks fucking weird. Just walk. Maybe nod, like a normal person who passes another normal person.
I didn’t invent it. They did studies.
No one is forcing you to anything, relax.
A thing that should be emphasized, is that humans learn how to behave in different situations by practice. If a given passing-a-woman instance suggests that you made her nervous, while regrettable, isn't the end of the world. Try different things. With practice, you can find what works for you, and will gradually get better at "acting normal" or presenting in the manner that seems to produce the desired result.
wave your arms is the air and yell "I am not a threat!" Seriously though, probably make a fake phone call, or look at my phone if she looks visibly nervous. I walk in the evening sometimes and have encountered other folks. I usually just walk straight ahead and don't make eye contact.
Walk to the side of the sidewalk and make room for us women. Please don’t keep walking in a straight line and expect for us to get off the sidewalk.
I collide with men who don't move for oncoming people.
As someone who’s looked outwardly male my whole life, this is so outside my experience I didn’t even understand what you meant until I read the other subcomments. I thought you were implying sidewalks aren’t wide enough for two people to pass, because that seemed more plausible than the reality that women apparently live with??
It’s always crazy to hear common things women deal with that are genuinely inconceivable to guys - I just wish more of them were positive or at least neutral 😭
Oh damn, one of those pre-transition things I almost forgot about! That used to happen to me so often, and now when it does it sticks out as ‘wow, that dude was a prick’. It’s wild that nothing about me changed except how masculine other people read me and it basically just stopped happening.
Oh my god, do men not get randomly shoved and walked into on the sidewalk?
In addition to what the other commenter said, I want to add that the inverse is also true - intentionally or not, women tend to step out of the way for men a lot more often. If you spend some time peoplewatching on a busy sidewalk, there seems to be a kind of unwritten social hierarchy of "which person needs to step out of the other person's way", which most of the time seems to be something along the lines of tall man > short man > short woman > tall woman. This has led me to an interesting realization - before I started transitioning I used to have a lot of encounters (often multiple times a day) where both myself and someone else step out of each other's way and then do that funny little back-and-forth dance until we figure out who's staying in place. The other person in these situations was almost always a woman, and this hardly happens anymore when I'm presenting fem (but still happens a lot when I'm boymoding). Apparently I'd subconsciously figured out my placement in the sidewalk etiquette hierarchy years before consciously realizing that I wasn't a guy!
Barely a fraction as much! I would wager the amount it happens to me (rarely) has more to do with me looking like a short nerd, or it being a really crowded sidewalk or something. But the only time I experience that ‘I see you are there and I’m not getting out of the way’ walking towards you that I used to experience all the time pre-transition is when it’s someone that seems out to cause trouble or has some kind of chip on their shoulder.
Now I'm an even angrier feminist. I thought people were just dicks without spatial awareness. I should wear more spikes.
All I know from doing runs at night is create a solid pepper spray buffer if coming from behind.
I just treat random people passing all the same. A quick friendly smile and a hello. If the stranger wants to talk then we talk but it's usually a couple of words in passing.
If it doesn't trouble you, move to the other side of the street. If it does, smile and try to look non-threatening.
OP giving the most sinister and serial killer smile at night walking towards you.
Make yourself more visible. Be on your phone with brightness set to max, get on the phone and call someone, or pretend to. Move over slowly to the edge of whatever side you are on to give her space. If all of that is too much trouble, then cross the street.
don't forget to say just as you pass, "yeah I just found another. she just walked past me." /s
I used to jog really late in the evening for many years and had this experience more than once.
My solution: Put my hands palm out flat in front of me as if to gesture I wasn't a threat.
If walking, doing something similar and not making it weird is probably equally good.
I'm a chick. That would weird me out. I'd rather people just keep doing their thing or offer a friendly nod.
I'm sorry but that is not, not making it weird.
Apparently I’m more prejudiced than I realized, cuz ig I expect joggers to be weird… like a jogger doing that wouldn’t weird me out but someone just walking by doing that? Definitely weird.
No hate to joggers tho, weird but harmless is nice variety
Say hi and keep walking.
Pull out your phone and pretend to be talking to you mother on it.
If your mother has already passed, politely inform the woman "My mother is dead." So she understands.
Or just call your mother. She worries about you.
Sing a The Cardigans song, like Pikebubbles.
I don't think she wants to hear my Lovefool...
I don't either. But Pikububbles is a fun song! Anyone singing it cant be a menace
Cross the street if possible.
You are already so far past being fuckin normal to make anything normal in any scenario so stop trying. The more you try to act normal the weirder you seem to everyone around you. Who the fuck puts this much thought into walking past someone. If you are really this nervous about it. Burry your head into your phone and be oblivious to anyone you walk past and accept the risk you might walk into traffic if there are no headlights on a vehicle.
Man: walks at night
You are so far past being fuckin normal.
If you are nervous enough that you telegraph it, that can actually solve the problem and make you non threatening.