Please help me under stand my spouse's gift and their hurt
For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have. The one I have is older and dented but works just fine. I use it weekly. I never complain about it. I've never asked for a newer one. The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It's sentimental.
I don't like new things. When they got me a 3d printer, it was the cheapest one and it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It's perfect for me. I regularly buy things used or get things from Buy Nothing groups. I much prefer to repair old things in many ways. My car has over 100k miles. The one before did too. I don't like new things.
We got into a huge argument because I want to return it. They are so upset with me that they left the house to calm down. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mad at me? I have a very clear tendency for old broken used things. Why am I obligated to like this new thing?
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I'm not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don't like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things. Why am I the bad guy for wanting to return the newer version of the thing I already have?
One time my wife got me a really nice DeWalt jig saw for Christmas. I already had a jigsaw. It worked well enough for as much as I use it. Although the newer one was better quality and had a few nicer features.
You know what I did? I thanked her and told her how much I appreciated it. She saw something she thought would make my life a little easier and got it for me as a gift. It was a very kind gesture. If it were the wrong one, I probably would have talked to her later and asked if I could exchange it for one that would have suited my needs better while still letting her know that I appreciated what she was trying to do. I'm sure she would have been fine with that.
What I wouldn't have done was gripe at her for buying me a new power tool because I "don't like new things" or "I already have a jigsaw and it works just fine." That would be a terrible idea which would understandably hurt her feelings when she was just trying to do something nice for me.
It wasn't about the "thing". It was about the gesture. The fact that they gave you such a gift shows that they pay attention to what you do and they wanted to give you something to make your life a little easier. That was very thoughtful but you threw it back in their face. I completely understand why they're angry.
I completely agree and thank you for articulating it better than I. All my draft replies either read as mean-spirited or dismissive.
So I want to offer an alternative perspective.
I don't know if OP is coming at if from the same place as me, but I'm broadly anti-consumerist. I prefer using the thing I have until it doesn't work anymore. When it doesn't work anymore, I prefer replacing it with something used when possible. If I get something new, I do a lot of research to find something durable and reliable that will last a long time.
There's a moral aspect to it for me. Every new gadget or tchotchy burns in my mind as future trash, as the sum of all the energy and materials to make and fuel to transport and the resultant pollution. I recycle as much as possible, I limit my consumption as much as possible, when I do have things they are generally books or tools to help me otherwise limit my consumption.
When I get some kitschy thing as a gift, that I don't need and took resources and generated waste to make, I feel like a vegan being gifted meat. No matter how well-intentioned the giver is, I feel implicated in something that is dirty to me. If you keep telling your family that you're a vegan, and they keep gifting you meat, any warmth from their intent is dwarfed by the sting that they keep ignoring your wishes.
A nice gesture that's focused on the validation of the giver, in clear violation of the stated wishes of the receiver, is not a nice gesture. The nicest A5 Wagyu is not a nice gesture to someone who already told you they're a vegan.
I think this is the heart of it. Really depends on OPs delivery, but if this was at least communicated, I can't see how they wouldn't see where OP was coming from too.
It's so hard in this consumerist society to tell people sometimes it's a better gesture not to wastefully buy things just to say you cared.
That's not what people usually do though. For most people new thing brings joy, (that's why consumerism is a thing in the first place), so people are buying new thing for you to bring you joy.
Absolutely it is often what people do.
Oh also it doesn't fucking matter what most people would feel about new things. The gift giver isn't a stranger. They are married(assuming mother in law comment about the origin of the watch being replaced) and should know by now say least this much about the person they are sharing their life with.
How could you be this oblivious to who your partner is by saying most people would have appreciated it.
Using that reasoning then you are testing your spouse no more intimately than a complete stranger. That would hurt most people...
In requiring this much care for a partner, you need to remember to also give this much care.
It's not like they took something from him, it was a gift, a gift of a thing he likes, he just got all pissy about how nobody appreciates his hobo aesthetics. When someone gives you a gift, rub some dirt in your new dildo and say thank you for your partner that cares for you and loves you, don't be a dick.
It think it’s about balance. I have the same view point as yours. Early on, my wife would just get me new things of objects I already had. The difference is timing. I would tell her after the fact to not ruin her mood. She eventually understood and learned.
Every now and then she still does get me a thing I believe I don’t need. But she’s learned to be observant and is usually correct. If it were up to me, I would likely wear socks until all 5 toes are showing through. What I do in this instance is keep the new thing and I make sure I gift the older item to someone in need of it, or as back up for myself if the space allows. I am very much known in my spaces as the person that gives things away. If you’ve been in my life at least 3yrs, you probably own something that belonged to me.
I’m not sure what the relationship is between OP and the partner, but timing of when you tell them, does matter. Don’t do it right when the person has given you the gift, just wait. From what info there is, it doesn’t sound like they are a repeat offender of violating their rules.
Yeah I am honestly taken back at the lack of emotional intelligence in this thread. "HOW DARE YOU NOT UNDERSTAND MY SPECIFIC BRAND OF MISANTHROPE." Jesus Christ this is some shit most children learn. A gift exchange is a ritual. Complete the fucking ritual you fucking loser, or go hate yourself somewhere else. If someone giving you a fucking gift somehow offends you then deal with it later. Yes, even if you are a vegan receiving Wagyu. A person of even moderate emotional intelligence would laugh about it. "Lmao, you aren't going to believe this..."
This is pure fundamental attribution fallacy in the most neckbeard way possible.
May I just ask… why? Why this obsession with old and used things? Seems like misplaced concern for the environment/the world.
Misplaced I say because our individual impact is negligible, and 99,99% of all problems stem from like 10 massive polluting corporations.
Because some people don't think it's misplaced. It's not an obsession with old things, it's an avoidance of new ones. Just because I'm only responsible for a tiny fraction doesn't mean I'm going to ignore that fraction.
Consumerism is why those massive companies pollute so much in the first place.
If I may ask, why is everyone else so obsessed with new things? Why is it the people who don't feel the need to constantly buy new products that have to explain themselves? That seems backwards.
I feel like it doesn’t have to be so extreme either way y’know. Getting a new better tool while your old one still (kinda) works is not wasteful. What’s wasteful is for cars to be manufactured purposefully to breakdown earlier. For TVs to break right when warranty expires. That’s something that impacts the world INFINITELY more than you holding on with white fingers to some old shit that’s falling apart.
Right, and buying new stuff when you don't need it perpetuates all those bad corporate practices. You can want to fix that while also not wanting to personally contribute to the excess.
You and I have different tolerances for waste. I'm not going to preach to you about it, but you should at least respect the wishes of people who want to help in the ways they can.
You're going to a lot of effort to not actually mention what this thing is, which makes me wonder what it is and I suspect knowing that would provide additional and useful context.
100%
OP doesn't even need to answer, the omission of this kinda indicates they potentially already know why
uhhhh isn’t it a new 3d printer? i thought it is? might be wrong
Nope.
Their partner got them their last 3d printer. Whatever this item is, the version they want to keep is something that came from their mother in law.
Oh you know what, you might be right. I read that part as a non sequitur
On the other hand, maybe it's a misplaced attempt at maintaining their privacy?
I'm guessing it's a niche thing easily recognized
The boring answer is that it's just not important for the story, but I chose to believe that it's about an old denty disheveled dildo with a handcrank.
Rhymes with Bilbo?
/s
It's not about the item whatever it is, it's about your reaction to it. This was something your spouse got you to show you that they love you; they bought something they thought you would want and need because they see you using this item all the time. It doesn't matter that they know you like using old things - for them the thing they got you is an expression of their love for you, and your reaction (lets return it, I don't want it) is like rejecting their love and is insulting.
I don't know how you said it to your spouse but the way you've described it here your reaction sounds like it was entirely factual and emotionless. It may not be what you're saying but how you said it that is the issue. Did you acknowledge how kind and thoughtful the gift was? Did you acknowledge what it means to get a nice gift from your spouse before saying that actually it's not something you'd use?
Instead of seeing it as a tit-for-tat exchange and the same as you gifting t-shirts, you need to understand that this was a personal gift from your spouse. You also need to acknowledge you're difficult to get gifts for because you like old things. You're not the bad guy for wanting to return the item, you're likely the bad guy for how you've gone about it and hurting your spouses feelings in the process. It may be that you're not an emotional person or have difficulty reading other people including your spouse - that's fine but you may need to acknowledge that you've hurt their feelings even if you didn't realise or mean to, and apologise - that may help a lot. It would also be helpful to tell them how your mother-in-laws gift has sentimental value and you didn't want to replace it. It may still be that you end up returning the item - but it's far less important that your relationship with your spouse.
To piggy back off this one, because I liked it, I'd like to zoom in on the spouse's reaction. Yes, it's an expression of their love. But also, if they're the sort of person that feels gift-giving is important, then they probably struggle with you being hard to buy for, because they want to get you something, because that's how they demonstrate love and attention.
So probably they've been watching you, and they noticed you spend a lot of time with this item, and they thought if they got you a new or fancy version it would make for a great gift. They finally found something they know you'll like! They'll watch you open it, you'll light up, and thank them for their keen insight, attention, and creativity. The perfect gift.
Obviously it didn't go down that way, but I think in addition to just "rejecting their love", I imagine there's also a huge factor that is just shock and disappointment. They had high expectations, they were excited for the reveal, and what they got was so much worse than what they expected they just don't even know what to do with this energy. They may even be a little embarrassed, both that they got you a bad gift, and at their misplaced excitement.
It's just an emotional letdown for them, I imagine. Now depending on their emotional maturity, they may just need to collect themselves, realize this whole thing was their fault for getting their hopes up even though you've told them you're not interested. They'll realize you have good reasons to want to keep the old one, and that they overlooked the importance of it. And if they don't have that level of mindfulness, then they may calm down, but they'll still blame you fully.
Anyway, just wanted to point out what I expect the source of the "outsized"-feeling reaction might be. Acute, sudden onset, disappointment.
That's entirely too many assumptions you are making it assertions you are crediting with no evidence at all.
Entirely too much for my comfort anyway
That's totally fair! It was a little intuition, a lot of "going with the gut", and a bit of flair, it's true. But I figured if none of this resonates with OP at all, they can choose to ignore me as full of shit 😛
My wife got me a bartesian for Christmas last year. It makes the worst fucking drinks I've ever had in my life. It takes up space in my kitchen. The drink pods are like $3 each. It takes cleaning and maintenance. I hate everything about it.
I acted happy about it. Privately seethed and ranted. I literally would rather have gotten nothing than wasted money on that. And then I tried several drinks from it before "deciding" I had fun mixing my own drinks, but I still use it for guests and for her drinks that she likes.
I think it's god awful but I realized it made her happy and that is something I treasure. I don't know if there's anything in there for you to take away, but I can relate. Sometimes we just put on a happy face and let our loved ones enjoy giving us something.
For OP: This is one possible way to handle this situation, but it's not the only reasonable one
This guy knows.
Sounds like a relationship with a fair bit of conflict avoidance? I hope you have some good relief valves..
I mean... yeah. I'm not going to hang our laundry out, dirty or otherwise, but we have plenty of conflicts and sometimes it's good to know what is worth fighting over and what isn't. This wasn't.
Fair! Definitely wouldn't have complained, but I'm a different person :)
So OP uses new printer to print stuff for the wife?
You might've missed this part because it was kinda buried there. I'm not telling OP what to do or judging. But I related to the feeling and shared what I did.
The wife?
A) You are acting like an ungrateful tool.
B) Perhaps she should have held off.
Be measured in your response next time, but at least have a conservation about what you want.
We had a convo about what we want. It really helped.
We have an apartment in a nice island of walkability a ways out of town. It's beautiful but pricy. We have very little extra space.
We dont give gifts; we give experiences. Here's a spa day for the trip we're saving up for next year. Can we take the gondola up to the top of the hill for that fancy-pants restaurant your mum wanted to try? Do you remember that spashy canal ride at the animal sanctuary we did the one time, and we almost lost our keys? The adorable kids "selling shells" at Yelapa? How about the whale watching where all we saw was COVID from the borrowed all-weather gear?? Ha ha ha, that sucked.
Memories store well. Pictures of chichen itza, the gondola at Benalmedana, the CN tower, the NYC WoW, they take up so little space - and the last one's gone now - and they mean so much.
Give experiences, even if all they do is affirm the plan that you're going to Disneyland next spring, hell or high water. I think they reinforce familial bonds and get people out of their living rooms and into climbing gear or even just a shared breakfast where they can laugh and tease and make new memories.
Now that make more sense.
unbearably twee, like an llm trained on live love laugh stickers
If this is your reaction to someone describing cute things they've done with their partner, I honestly feel kinda sorry for you.
This is the most autistic thing I’ve read in a month.
People keep telling me this in many situations. Sigh.
So...i hate to add to it...but my husband is mildly autistic and we've had this exact conflict with gift giving early in our marriage.
He sees the act of gift giving very logically and practically, which is perfectly fine, but i didnt really understand this early on in our relationship. We eventually sat down, talked about how we each felt, and it clicked that we had a disconnect on the social/emotional layer of gift giving. I saw and felt that gift giving was more of an act of showing the other person they crossed your mind; a display of emotion. On the other hand, my husband saw and felt gift giving was more about making sure the item is exactly what the other person wants, including if that item is "nothing"; logical, literal, and practical.
Sit down together and talk. Use "I" statements, keep calm voices, and dont interrupt. The goal is to express how you feel, listen to how they feel, and work together to help each other understand both perspectives.
Sigh. I've tried this with them. It doesn't work. We need therapy.
Ill be honest, i agree that therapy may be needed, here.
Im not a therapist, so take this with a grain of salt, but this is concerning to hear for me. It gives me the impression you might be closed off to your role in the conflict and the effort your spouse is putting in to understand your side (assuming there is effort to talk in any way). Talking together as a couple isnt a "Im trying", its a "We're trying." "We" coming from the recognition that both sides are trying to understand the other even if resolution hasnt been found yet. Dont approach it as a "talk with them", theyre not a dependent that needs a lecture, but rather as a "talk together" where both sides are actively heard and recognized regardless of if the other agrees. The goal is to understand the other, not necessarily to make your side heard. Once you both understand the other persons perspective, it becomes easier to find the disconnect or middle ground.
Declaring "it doesnt work" isnt trying to understand the other, its shutting things down and wont solve anything anytime soon.
And that is the first, and so far only, comment you engage with.
Because the reply is simple. The other ones require thought and energy.
They can go fuck themselves if they aren't going to explain that. Being autistic isn't a god damned reason for you to be insulted.
You might be autistic and don't know it. Any of us might be.
That person is a piece of shit for treating autism like it's a slur. And also shitting all over your clear attempt to try to understand this situation.
I would be pissed if someone did that to me and then makes me out to be some villain because they fucked up on their gift.
I didn’t say it as a slur. The fact that you took it that way says more about you than me. The situation described is textbook autistic behavior.
I didn't take it as a slur
You didn't explain it or provide any additional context. You used it exactly as it has been used, word for word, as is used when it's being used as a slur.
I was clear to say without an explanation it is a slur.
I'm not feeling insulted. Moreso just recognized. I don't think autism is an insult.
I have this feeling on Lemmy a lot
Good take.
They want to improve your life by giving you something which is not broken and assumedly works better than whatever you’re using now. You are rejecting that because of your insistence that things must be old. They know you will never get it for yourself, and maybe they think you’re just being cheap. It probably hurts them seeing you use what to them looks like a piece of crap. It’s really hard to say without knowing what the actual items involved are In just speculating.
Knocking onto this, it could also stem from the fact that they'd like a bit more of OPs time. A new item means(presumably) less time trouble shooting and repairing, more efficient use, and less time having to correct the items mistakes. That additional time is some of what they are lamenting not being able to get.
It's not so much an insistence that things be old. I love refurbishing old things and making them work for me. Just cooked breakfast on a pan my wife and I found in the trash! I treasure items like that more than something I merely threw money at.
For example; I could have a laugh with a friend: "Check out this brand new pan we found in the garbage!" Vs. "Yeah, I went to Walmart and bought a new pan."
One of my favorite vintage shotguns took me a month to refurbish, make it mine. Promise you've never seen one like it. It was all of $200 (parts, stain, every little cost). I'm far more proud of that than the any shotgun I could have bought at the store.
Anyway, I understand OP. But he still shouldn't have insisted on returning the damned thing.
They literally said the old one still "works just fine"...
And it seems clear from the text that it's a 3D printer
The text makes clear that the 3d printer was an older gift that they enjoyed (which they enjoyed building)
Yes, and:
Seems clear that the gift was a replacement printer?
They said only that it is “a thing they already have” there could be literally anything, though they said it was dented which makes me think it’s not a printer
The 3D printer was previously gifted by the spouse.
This new gift would replace something gifted by OP's mother in law.
They're different things.
A super old sex doll may be harboring microbes that could get your partner sick. Take the hint and accept the new one with some grace and class. Your mother-in-law is probably ok with it.
this is the only explanation as to why he wouldnt say what the item is.
the "dents" part makes me think its a fleshlight instead of a full fuck doll, though.
I had issues with this, with my partner. They love surprises, and kept trying to learn how to correctly surprise me with a gift.
The sentence that finally got us on the same page:
"I can enjoy a surprise. But I enjoy same event, whatever it is, more, if it is not a surprise. I don't necessarily hate every event that is a surprise. But every surprise is less pleasant to me than the same event would be without the surprise."
This finally got them to stop trying to find a right way to surprise me, and just make a judgement call whether the surprise was worth making it a little less nice for me.
They do still surprise me, sometimes, but they finally understand that there's a cost, to me, to it. And now they weigh that into their decision, and it is so nice for me!
Edit: And we now have a shared understanding that anything big or expensive or hard to store needs to not be a surprise.
Wait, so no surprise brand new cars with a giant red bow for Christmas like they show in the commercials? /s
Seriously though, this is a pretty good rule. I may have to talk to my spouse about doing something similar.
Haha. That is the perfect example. Just seeing those commercials makes me feel uneasy.
Haha, you and me both. I don't have too much trouble with surprises, but I think those commercials are super weird and out of touch too. Maybe it's a class thing, since I don't know anyone who has ever given a brand new car as a gift. Shrug.
I couldn't agree more. A cute little toy or gadget? Sure, surprise me. New laptop, car, washing machine, furniture? What the fuck, why would you surprise someone with that, if I'm to use it I want a say in what kind it is and that we didn't waste money on bullshit. It's not even that I don't trust others, just that I feel left out. A simple "hey, the washing machine broke, I found a good one and I think ill buy it" is enough.
This part is important. I touched in it a little in my comment to OP as well, but it's easy to forget that a relationship is not only about how you show love, but how you accept it. I'm glad you're able to accept some surprises and I'm glad your partner has accepted that not everything should be a surprise. It's a good compromise!
This point stood out to me. I'm assuming that you verbally established a "no nerdy t-shirts" rule, but did not verbally establish the "no new items" rule. If it was only implied, or you felt it was obvious to not buy you new gifts, but did not explicitly establish that rule like you did for the t-shirts, then it is not the same. Neither of you are bad or wrong for the moscommunication, but this is a great opportunity to have an open and frank discussion about gift expectations for each other.
Why should they get to be upset about it because it's a gift, yet the item being replaced with not something similar in style but different, but a literally new version of beloved gift, is supposed to be discarded without any thought about that gift.
Like what the hell is that logic. That gift you love and use all the time without ever mentioning a problem with is not good enough for my liking, replace it with MY version of it or you will hurt my feelings and that majes YOU a bad person for my feelings getting hurt.
Sorry but f that logic say I'm sorry I didnt know it meant so much to you.
They should be made to answer, in front of the mother in law, why and how the perfectly loved and valued watch needed to be replaced
Do you care about the person that gave the gift? Do you trust and believe that they love you and got the gift in good faith, trying to do well even if it was flawed? Then express gratitude for the intention, even if you don't want the gift. "Sorry, I'm happy with the one I have and don't want to replace it."
Do you care about the person you want to give a gift to? Do you trust and believe that they love you and them disliking a gift isn't an indicator that they dislike you? Then humbly accept that your gift wasn't the right one, and work together with them to find something they would prefer instead.
It isn't difficult if you just talk with each other. Sometimes people pick bad gifts. Sometimes people are sentimentally attached to items. Sometimes people are very practical and have a "if it isn't broken, it doesn't need to be replaced/fixed" mentality that supercedes other considerations. Me, I have the opposite extreme. Even if a gift I receive is nothing something I have any intention of using, I feel obligated to find a space and use for it as a show of appreciation to the person that gifted it to me, because I wasnt owed the gift in the first place and I have gratitude they were thinking of me. That can be (is) unhealthy in an entirely different way.
But even if you think a gift is dumb and wrong and it's an insult that they even gave it to you, if you love that person you swallow that pride and let them know you appreciate what they were trying to do but that they got it wrong this time. This can be done gently instead of coldly. And I am not saying OP had done it coldly, maybe the gift giving partner has insecurities they need to deal with. I don't know, I wasn't there. Understanding why the gift giving partner would be upset that their gift was snubbed only takes a hint of empathy to understand, though. On the other hand, it's also easy to understand why the receiver would be confused why the gift was chosen in the first place, with the information provided. Both are missreading each other on different points.
Yes that's why there is a problem with the reaction wanting to return the gift. Maybe we didn't understand the same thing.
The giver was hurt because the reciever expressed that they didn't want the gift so they should return it because it won't get used. "Sorry, I'm happy with the one I have and don't want to replace it." There is no indication that how you phrased this isn't exactly what op did. Unlikely, but we don't know any more than after expressing they don't want a new version that they suggested it be returned. To me that says I'm sorry but this was a waste and I don't want your effort to be wasted.
If this was an acquaintance and not their partner I could see it differently, maybe. I'm trying not to make assumptions about anything here and using the post on its own merit. So as far as I'm concerned OP didn't do anything wrong and is confused by the hurt reaction. Coming here to try and get an outside perspective is an attempt to get a less biased perspective on the situation which is evidence that OP actually cares a great deal about why this is a problem and is literally asking us to help understand.
A lot of the comments have made wild assumptions about OP "scolding" their spouse when that's not information we know and it is being assumed.
Are you neurodivergent? If, then it seems like a clear and typical misunderstanding of expectations.
If not, consider if you might be 😉
Peer reviewed ✅
You may be autistic and should get properly diagnosed. I am not joking. Your spouse was trying to do a nice thing for you and maybe even liked the idea of you using something they got you all the time the way you use your current one. Given how you form emotional attachments to old and familiar things and given how you don’t understand your spouse’s hurt, you are very likely on spectrum. Being diagnosed will help give you the tools to better interact with others, and will help those close to you — like your spouse — know how to relate to you more effectively.
You're not the first person to say this.
In that case, here's a plausable explanation that might resonate:
Gifts are a social contract. They are tendering their time, effort, and feelings for you to pick something to make you happy. If they misjudge you and you care about their happiness, thank them, hug them, make them feel special, then make sure you have a gift list available to them next time. This could be a Pinterest board, or anything. Focus on things you'd consider acceptable, even though they're new. Also, DON'T GIVE THEM THAT LIST RIGHT NOW. In fact, wait until black Friday and tell them you have trouble picking out gifts for them, and ask if they could make a list, and can then, hopefully, safely exchange lists.
Your spouse put a lot of time and strong feelings into picking you birthday a gift. They formed an emotional attachment to this process/gift expecting to make you happy. Perhaps they feel like they don't get you good gifts, perhaps the price of the item itself was a hardship that they decided to bear on your behalf to make them feel proud, or maybe they feel like you're too good at getting them gifts. Perhaps you're extremely hard to shop for since finding you used, repairable items that you'll appreciate is an insurmountably difficult task from the outside. In any case, they felt that they had done a good job and probably had a solid sigh of relief for figuring something out.
They wrap it, feeling excitement, wanting you to be happy. They hand it over to you. You appear disappointed and want to return it. Even if you put on a good face at the time and later mentioned returning it, All that excitement, pride, and serotonin they had is now instantly gone. They feel awful for not understanding you.
Embarrasment + Shame + Sadness will make some awful anger.
Pick your battles. Someone giving you something nice that you don't love for your own reasons is rarely a battle worth having. Accept it with grace and admiration for them. Make them as happy as they're trying to make you.
edit:
also to cover
While not entirely incorrect here, they are adjacent, but gifting clothes is another type of social contract with some messy implied stipulations. You give it to them, they feel obligated to wear the clothes and that usually comes with public-facing consequences. Self-image is quite fragile in the face of others.
I keep a collection of nerdy t-shirt logos from t-shirt sites all over the net in an image account and my wife has access to it. She can get me anything from there in my size in any form of clothing and I'd gladly accept it and be overjoyed and wear it all without worry.
Your post is like something I could have written, right down to repairing old things and loving them because you breathed new life into them, and because they are familiar, reliable, and comforting. Getting diagnosed opens a world of support and understanding, and I cannot encourage you enough to pursue it. Do it for your marriage and your own happiness. Even if it’s not ASD, a diagnosis helps more than you might initially think.
I'm not alone! Lol.
Yeah, I've said elsewhere but you're not the first person to tell me this.
You’re not! This internet stranger is rooting for you!
Yeah. That was so clear (IMO) that It didn't even occur to me that this person may not already know.
Even if OP is autistic, it is still an issue that I can see being a problem. OP and his in laws have fundamentally different ideas on what good gifts are. Also, OP has shown an ability to interpret emotions being displayed, possibly better than the neurotypical family members.
Unnecessary, uncool. Why try to label someone why you don't know, and obviously don't have the credentials to diagnose?
I mean they did say "you may be..." and then followed it up with advice to talk to a professional. I don't think there was an attempt to diagnose here, even though I don't agree with how the comment was worded. Personally, I think everyone should get tested to see what neuroatypicalities they have.
Not following the impersonal and casual, episodic/event-based gift-giving culture we have here in the west to the T isn't evidence of disease.
I agree, and nowhere does the person say it is.
Strongly suggesting that OP's behavior fits the "classic hallmarks of ASD", appealing to their own diagnosis of autism by saying "game recognizes game", and suggesting that they need to seek professional diagnosis and "take the first step" is basically suggesting that OP's behavior is diseased or disordered. You are free to disagree.
Disclaimer: I am autistic myself and I am a neurodiversity advocate. My point here is not to criticize other autistic people, but to highlight that framing OP’s normal, context-driven behavior as evidence of a disorder is medicalizing and pathologizing something that is very likely ordinary and rational human behavior.
I understand where you're coming from, but I'll still disagree that the commentator was using anything as evidence. It was merely used as a suggestion. ASD is a neurodevelopmental disorder and shows up through behaviour and it does not hurt to get tested. For example, I have MDD. If I describe a one-time occurrence of my symptoms, it's easy to chalk it up to ordinary behaviour. The issue is that it is a persistent and repetitive behavior that doesn't go away. The OP has replied and posted that other people in their life have suggested they get tested and they're not surprised to hear this. That suggests persistent and repetitive behaviour that suggests neurodivergence. I will repeat that it does not hurt to get tested. If OP gets tested and is not on the spectrum, great. If they get tested and they are on the spectrum, also great, it's probably better that they know.
I suggest you re-read the quote in the comment you just replied to. It's totally fine if we disagree, but I strongly believe that this is pathologizing behavior and even if it didn't cause harm this time - it very well could with another person they suggest they might have autism to.
Here is evidence of the person in question's behavior causing or leading to some level of stigmatization: https://slrpnk.net/post/30279460/19178188
I've been told that I'm likely on the spectrum or autistic in many different ways by people who believe they know what they're talking about and it's hurt me and my self-image greatly. This has been accompanied by discrimination, of course stigmatization - people seeing everything I do under the lens of "they can't help their behavior", "we have to feel bad for them/treat them differently because they have something wrong with them", and so forth.
We simply cannot tell if somebody is autistic through a single online post that involves only text. Not even a little bit. This is pathologizing behavior, plain and simple.
Autism has very, very specific diagnostic criteria and I find the criteria to be incredibly valid. Quick online searches that link unrelated behaviors to autism simply aren't reliable. There are plenty of people on r/anticonsumption (an extremely large subreddit) who would likely refuse a gift just like OP did. Are they all autistic there? I don't think so - not a little bit.
I don't see any of my behaviors as specifically autistic or disordered - I see it as a difference that is both normal and distinct, even if there are patterns to my behavior. Even when I interact with or observe people diagnosed with autism who are open about their diagnosis, I don't look at their behavior and see it as an abnormal product of their condition - something to be corrected or something that indicates that something is wrong with them.
The thing about autism is that yes, it can be inferred by clinical behavioral analysis, but the behaviors aren't necessarily problematic, abnormal, or disordered. The treatment for autism is largely supporting the person diagnosed - not trying to change them, make them "normal", or correct "disordered" behaviors. For example, masking can put significant stress on autistic individuals and cause them to experience burnout - which is the end result of trying to correct "disordered" behaviors.
None of those people were professionals from what we know. It wasn't their place to speculate and vocalize this unsolicited, and even if no person meant to stigmatize OP and only intended to inform them with the best intentions - seeking help and diagnosis is a personal decision.
In many places, adult autism diagnosis is incredibly hard to initiate. It can cost anywhere from $1000-5500 dollars depending on the level of testing needed. Most people will have to travel for a diagnosis and will not have continuity of care between the person that diagnosed them and future providers. Testing can be emotionally exhaustive and invasive.
I'm somebody who sought help specifically for an adult autism diagnosis after I turned 18 and I encountered significant discrimination from my doctor, my therapist, and my psychologist. I was not led by any of them to testing or a diagnosis, really anything approaching it, when I specifically needed an evaluation for accommodations in college.
Not everybody will have a negative experience and awareness has only increased since then, but unless somebody expresses themselves that they need help or diagnosis - it's not our business to push them to that. Not every professional is equal - there are just so few mental health professionals versed in adult autism that are also able to assess or lead somebody to assessment. Just as the role of trauma in distress is something that is often under-acknowledged in most mental healthcare, autism is as well - especially in undiagnosed adults, certain minorities, women, or high-masking individuals.
OP's behavior does not suggest neurodivergence from what we can tell. Their birthday was ruined because they didn't want to accept a gift they didn't want, their spouse stormed out after arguing with them, and people are in the comments loosely saying OP is autistic, that they "should've just accepted the gift" and bit their tongue, that because they aren't personally hurt and their spouse is - that's all that matters, that they are "failing to understand" their spouse's emotions when they demonstrated an ability to understand them enough to detail the events for us to understand from their perspective, and so forth.
It's also not our business to analyze OP's behaviors as being evidence of any disorder or neurodivergence, but we can infer their intentions and decision-making from what they wrote. It was entirely valid - demonstrating strong rationality. From what we know, they very likely did not intend on hurting their spouse. That is what matters and what their spouse needs to understand. We all can gracefully honor each other's preferences and move on, even when we disappoint another after trying hard to please them.
Because this isn't a regular behavior. Ignoring a potential abnormality will just complicate their life. They didn't diagnose anyone, please learn to read.
FIFY: This isn't a regular behavior in my experience.
There's nothing abnormal about being not wanting to receive something that you don't need, something that you specifically dislike, already have, or find excessive, or otherwise won't enjoy or be able to fit into your experience.
https://www.cjonline.com/story/news/2024/12/27/returning-holiday-gifts-amazon-target-walmart-gift-return-policies/77262617007/
It's clearly not abnormal for gifts to not hit the mark. OP isn't going anywhere - their spouse is free to try giving them a gift again after understanding their preferences. If one intends on giving a gift to someone, why not also intend on having a desire and persistence to make it a really nice gift for them? What's the point otherwise?
Nah, it's cool. They're not the first person to tell me this.
Because I am autistic, have been through this myself, and game recognizes game. These are classic hallmarks of ASD. I appreciate that you care, but OP clearly needs to take the first step and seek a professional diagnosis, which could change their life for the better.
Care to provide a source for that? Gift-giving and receiving is cultural and people are free to not conform.
OP didn’t refuse the gift because they don’t understand feelings. They refused it because it was expensive, unnecessary, and replaced something they still preferred - and living together means they couldn’t pretend otherwise. That’s a practical decision, not a sign of autism.
Just running a web search for "ASD gift disappointment" gives a ton of articles, not necessarily the exact situation OP is in, but it's enough to say that I think it's a common thing.
Also, I think having difficulty conforming to a culture is another thing ASD folks have, no? It's acceptable to not conform, of course, not saying otherwise.
It's not an indicator of autism, full stop. OP is not having "difficulty" conforming to culture. OP received a gift that didn't hit the mark - their spouse is free to try again and make it a nice gift for them.
OP can't stealthily return it and there are likely financial considerations in addition to their personal preference of not wanting new things that directly replace things that they are content with.
OP's spouse has preferences for gifts they will accept. Why is OP seen as being potentially diseased for also having them?
The way you say "potentially diseased" is pretty rude. That's not how I view folks with ASD. All of this is because someone who has ASD and thought OP was going through something similar. I have ADHD. If I saw someone speaking about one of the pivotal moments that led to me getting a diagnosis I might say to them "have you may considered you have ADHD and sought a diagnosis?"
What else does saying somebody's behavior is loosely abnormal and strongly pushing them to get professionally diagnosed really mean if not "potentially diseased"? They literally suggested that it may be autism, something they couldn't possibly know about someone based on an online interaction.
I'm somebody who is on the spectrum too and I personally believe that autism is a normal difference or neurodivergence - with specific qualities, associated challenges, and diagnostic criteria. I don't believe that OP's reaction and behavior fits in this instance.
Neurodiversity is not disease and I do not appreciate that implication at all. Please educate yourself on the topic before you embarrass yourself and the rest of us further. This was profoundly ignorant and hurtful.
I explained my position very clearly below your comment, but I do believe you are pathologizing normal behavior as being diseased or disordered, yes. You are free to clarify your position and argue with mine here where it makes sense contextually: https://slrpnk.net/post/30279460/19186026 I provided reasoning both in the comment you chose to respond to and in others. Feel free to understand my position before mischaracterizing it.
Here are the specific quotes from me clarifying my position and understanding of neurodiversity: "I’m somebody who is on the spectrum too and I personally believe that autism is a normal difference or neurodivergence - with specific qualities, associated challenges, and diagnostic criteria. I don’t believe that OP’s reaction and behavior fits in this instance."
And: "Disclaimer: I am autistic myself and I am a neurodiversity advocate. My point here is not to criticize other autistic people, but to highlight that framing OP’s normal, context-driven behavior as evidence of a disorder is medicalizing and pathologizing something that is very likely ordinary and rational human behavior."
Even thoug the comment wasnt a direct diagnose its still unessecerly labeling. The explained situation could have multiple layers we cant possibly know of.
It's time for new rules OP, and also a good talk with your S.O. nothing you did is wrong and nothing they did is wrong. It's more about being open and having discussions. They should know these kind of things, and the fact that they don't is both your fault.
No one is suffering here (imo) so that's a great success.
If no one did anything wrong, then why am I being punished for it? Sigh.
Because we are emotional beings, because nobody is perfect, and because angry people (presumably, both of you) say things they otherwise would not say.
Are you being punished or are you feeling punished. This is a point you should talk about with your s.o
I've been dating the same girl for 16 yrs now and she finally understood how important the word "i am sorry" are to me. Is it her fault? Nah is it mine? I don't think so, because i'm pretty sure i stated it clearly multiple time. Is there really a need for someone to be at fault?
Your s.o anger might not be directed toward you, but more toward the situation, which your are part of.
Being punished or feeling punished?
I'm getting the silent treatment.
I do also feel bad for making them upset. So maybe both.
My S.O. : maybe they feel their good intention weren't aknowledged? So that's why they are hurting. It's important for you to respect your values, but maybe in the process they felt their emotions were discarded by wanting to return the gift.
Me: To be frank, i don't know :) i don't know because i'm not you and it's not my situation. I do know there are no easy statement which will make it all disapear. I also know love hurt sometime, but this suffering is the proof of your love. So take your time, and talk it out. I wish you the best op.
P.s. My s.o is autistic, and she has tendecies to shutdown when she's upset. Maybe a shutdown instead of the silent treatment, you know your s.o best, but i want you to know Silent treatment is a form of abuse.
Remember, gifting is a shared experience, meant to be appreciated by the giftee as well as the gifter. It's obvious that your partner put thought into the gift, and that should be appreciated. Giving thoughtful gifts is not an easy task. Just because you have a new item does not diminish the value of the old sentimental one. But demanding the new one be returned could easily sow resentment in your relationship that will be revisited every gifting season.
I.... Sort of agree and sort of disagree. They thought of OP, but also.... Didn't. OP is being stubborn in understanding, but so is the gift giver. It's a sensitive and complex situation, and both parties' emotions are valid and just a little bit selfish.
they didn't put any good damned thought into it. Not any that wasn't completely selfish.
christ you're just a bundle of joy aren't you
I am fucking delightful actually. I also can empathize with someone I've never met.
your response doesn't fill me with confidence
Truth is often stranger than fiction
is it also commonly downvoted?
Is truth commonly downvoted...on the internet...in this decade? Yes, emphatically yes
It seems to me it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to shop for someone that refuses any "new" item.
Also, how many nerdy t-shirts did you gift them before the rule was in place? How did your partner react to all of those t-shirts? Did they immediately demand you return them?
It is a harsh reaction to request a gift just be returned.
It's also pretty shitty to be told that thing you love sucks take this version they think is better and you HAVE to like it
That's a pretty extreme interpretation of being given a gift...
You aren't even OP... Are you OK?
It's not just any person giving a gift or the giving of a random gift. This is specific to this particular gift, in this particular scenario, to this particular person who explained thoroughly why this was not a good gift to give at all. I'm giving OP benefit if the doubt that their recommendation was doing and should have been understood by their spouse without judgment. As presented, it could easily be misrepresented, but I'm taking it as is for objectivity
I'm fine, perhaps I went a little too overboard, but it was intending hyperbole to make clear the point I was arguing from, which was that the spouse hurt OP and is being made it as a villain for it
Perhaps I misunderstood this literary device or how to use it, but now you know what I was attempting, I'll consider an edit if you want to play Editor for a minute
This is one of those situations where nobody wins. They tried to do something nice, you didn't like it, and both people ended up unhappy. Neither was being unreasonable.
Buying someone a gift of a new thing isn't unreasonable. Even if you tend to like older/used things it's still not an unreasonable concept to buy someone an upgrade.
Not liking a gift because the old one is fine is also not unreasonable. Especially if you have established this as a preference before.
The best option here is for the partner to realize that the goal of the gift is to make the other person happy, and if that didn't work, figure out the path forward that does make them happy. (in this case returning the gift, and finding something else)
Gifts are am emotional thing. There are lots of estimations of what the other person likes or wants and lots of expectations from the giving side. The whiplash from hoping for the best, to finding you've actually caused displeasure with your gift can be hard to handle.
Both sides need to be wise, in control of their emotions and those of the other party when gifts are exchanged. Be as gentle as you can when explaining why it's not something you want, express the things you're grateful for (the intention, their effort, etc.), and even more gentle with their upset feelings at your refusal.
“My car has over 100k” had me dying.
I've only ever owned one car under 100k and it wasn't by much, lol
My truck has 400k right now and runs great.
What's it made of? Adamantium? I managed to reach 200k kilometres (~120k miles) with one of my previous cars and I was afraid it would just break and the repairs would cost more than the car did (which did happen, but not to me, it was after I sold it for a 30-pack of beers).
lol what are you doing to your cars where they only run for 200k? Gotta keep up your maintenance man.
I did maintenance, I just didn't want to invest into it more than I paid for it.
It's made of slowly replaced parts. I got my little diesel to 280k before a bad oil day ruined it, and whenever I talked with other folks who had engines that high, no one ever seemed to consider the replaced plugs, alternators, radiator bits, water pumps, belts, and everything else that gets worked on. I think the only things original by the time I lost it were the headers, cylinders, and maybe a few hoses.
Not being made in Europe or by Stellantis is all.
Asian cars run until the frame rusts in half.
You have to explain why in a much clearer way.
Explain that you do appreciate it. Explain that if you hadn't had the prior thing you probably would have loved it. But now, it's a change, and it's a big change, in several ways, including the nostalgia factor, and you absolutely appreciate that this thing is newer and more expensive but it doesn't YET make sense for you to make the change and because of that you don't want to make the change.
And because of that, it will just be sitting unused and you don't like the idea of it sitting unused.
It felt bad to you to not use a gift.
And that, wanting to keep what you have, not wanting a change, and not wanting it to sit unused, is why you suggested a return, and not because you don't appreciate it.
I think you'll have to explain the "not wanting change" bit the most, by explaining why you feel that way. Maybe try finding a similar comparison. Imagine you'd gift them expensive jewelry or clothes they feel they couldn't ever wear, maybe something they couldn't wear together with their favorite clothing. A bag that would only sit in a closet. A tool that does more, but is heavier or whatever. Whatever that feels relevant to them, that makes them understand why you feel like you don't want to make the change, not yet.
How should you have initially responded? Hard to say without knowing the people around you, but I'd say it would've been safe to say something like "oh, I don't know if I can replace the current thing yet, I like it too much, and it's got so many years left"
In other words, tell her that the gift was indeed great and that there's wrong with the gift except timing, and emphasize you do not fault her for anything, you're happy she thought of it, you're sorry your reaction made her feel bad, you should've communicated better, and you'll make a change to communicate better.
Perhaps even say something like "I probably should've told you I wanted to use this current thing for much longer, I should've explained more about how I think about these things and how I plan". Because your initial response sucked honestly, and you need to make sure your phrasing don't make her feel she made a mistake.
If she really likes being able to give you gifts, and if she now feels uncertain about being able to give you future gifts (this is very likely, by the way!), you should consider implementing that "communicating better" thing - for example (you don't need to do it exactly like this, IT'S AN EXAMPLE) by maintaining and sharing a list of your existing things plus a wishlist, with details like "don't replace before" and "replace no later than" and "required specs: XYZ". And if she likes feeling like she can put her own touch on it, DO NOT present it as "do exactly this", but rather "you can take inspiration from this".
That's awesome wording.
This whole comment is amazing. Thank you so much.
Honestly, most people suck at giving gifts. Most people struggle to put themselves in someone else's shoes
Your SO probably put real thought into the gift, and paid attention to you to come up with a good idea. And most people think new is better (although I'm with you). They think it's sour grapes or something when you tell them how you enjoy the fact something has been with you for all this time, and how you've carefully repaired it over the years
So all in all, that's a halfway well thought out gift. More effort than most people put into them, anyways. They were probably really excited and proud of themselves
I don't know what to do with that information... Personally I'd probably accept the gift and leave it in the closet as a backup. I'm not sure if that's better or not, but it would spread the experience out
Some families teach their kids that your ability to pick a gift directly equates to your value as a person.
Clearly her failure in this instance is more important to her than to you.
Whatever you do, try to help her feel valued.
This isn't about a generational hand-me-down dildo, is it?
Nothing like using your mom's dildo.
You make it clear that you don’t like new things. You really need to recognize that this makes it difficult for your loved ones to buy you gifts. I’m old enough that I generally don’t want anything for Christmas or my birthday. I have enough stuff. What I want is time to spend with the people I love. That doesn’t mean I refuse gifts or complain about them, because a gift means that someone saw something that made them think of you; and they bought it for you to celebrate your relationship. So even if it’s a bad gift, it’s coming from a good place.
Nobody is a bad person here and both of your feelings are valid.
As others pointed out, your partner likely put significant effort into the gift and is hurt that the effort was in vain. Compounding that is the fact that you didn't seem to acknowledge their effort or treat their hurt as valid.
Your hurt is valid. You got given something you don't want and now you feel pressured to accept it to appease your partner. It's in certain ways worse than getting nothing.
The situation sucks and you'll both be hurt regardless of how you resolve it.
It's probably going to be very important for you two to work out gifts or gift giving occasions. What do you like to do, for yourself or with your partner. Maybe the answer to that question can be part of the solution.
For the time being you have a few options. You can keep the gift like the others have said, maybe as a backup. Or you can return it. I suggest that if you return it you spend the money on something you both enjoy, maybe a nice date to sooth the hurt.
Let your partner know that you appreciate the effort that went into this gift. Let them know that you know you're a hard person to buy for, especially because you're not very consumerist which means that the things typically for sale won't appeal to you. Let them know that it's important for you that you're both able to express love towards each other and that you want to make sure that the next time your partner expends significant effort for you that they're able to create a situation which is rewarding for the both of you.
Then sort out what you're going to do with this gift. Maybe explain your feelings about using the old device and how the new one can't do that for you.
Then make a plan to work out the line term goal of how you'll give each other gifts/experiences in the future. And actually do it. It might be a lot of work, but it will probably create a lot of joy in your relationship in the long run where there might have been even more pain.
Can you explain this? I was always taught to accept the sentiment and just receive the gift. I certainly wouldn't suggest returning a gift.
Fundamentally this gift is replacing something that has sentimental value to OP. That's not usually a desirable gift. If someone got you a gift that replaced your favorite [thing] in a way that replaces it you wouldn't want it either.
Cheerfully accepting a gift you don't like is dishonest. Other replies have great honest and tactful ways to accept or reject a gift you don't like. Op's approach was hurtful to their partner which isn't great.
Returning a gift is normal, that's why stores issue gift receipts. However, it is a situation that requires tact since it's easy to hurt someone if done poorly.
In the long term, it should be easy for you and your partner to do something special for each other where no one has to fake enjoyment. In OP's case, effort spent communicating now will bring a lot of enjoyment in the future and save a lot of pain.
The returning the gift is what normal people do when they get something that they don't want/like, AND when the person giving the gift isn't the spouse. You can return it, the person giving it will never know, and everyone goes away relatively happy.
OP is being reasonable from a certain perspective, in that he can't just return the gift because it's his spouse. She'll know. So he explained that he wants to return it, because it would be like being gifted a new car when you've just finished restoring the beautiful hot rod that has passed to you after your mother passed away, and it was the same hot rod that she used to take you driving in down the old country roads when she got home from work on a friday. You don't want to get rid of the hot rod, but you've only got space in the garage for one car. Should you just "receive the gift" and get rid of the hot rod? Of course not.
In the OP's case, if he doesn't just "receive the gift" then his spouse will be hurt, so there is a very large pressure there to accept the gift so his spouse won't get hurt. So to him, he's been put in a position that makes him hurt because whatever he does will hurt someone, either himself by getting rid of the sentimental 3d printer, or his spouse by not keeping the new gift.
The gift is an insult to OP. It's hurtful and savage to force them to accept something that causes them pain and suffering and then force them to make them responsible for the other person's feelings.
That's so fucked up you would blame op just because they didn't want this unsolicited gift
Gonna leave this here, it's worth a read:
Asker vs Guesser culture
I think from a factual basis your position sounds perfectly reasonable, I feel similarly about new things. (Perhaps there are other parts of the story missing though?)
There's a lot to be said for delivery. If you opened a gift an reacted badly immediately, that would hurt. Even if the gift was misjudged, it was probably meant with good intent. Accepting thankfully, acknowledging the intention, and THEN coming around to the "but you really should have checked in first for something like this" might be a good way to start.
This item sounds like it might be for a hobby.
An inviolate rule for gifts is you NEVER give a gift for someone's hobby, unless they have specifically mentioned it. Then you buy EXACTLY what they tell you.
Case in point... I'm a former skydiver. It's a sport full of extremely counterintuitive aspects. One of my brothers was in the army and did airborne training under round parachutes. He gifted me a set of paratrooper boots to use while skydiving...
It was a nice thought, but most of the time I'm running out a landing, not doing a PLF (Parachute Landing Fall). The boots were extremely tight around the ankles for support on landing under a round parachute. They were less than useless for jumping a ram air chute. They were in my closet for almost 20 years, before I decided it was time to make some space. Zero jumps and probably less than a few hours of wear, because they were just not comfortable, since they were designed to save your ankles landing under a T-10.
Yes, I informed my brother emphatically that I could not use that type of boot in sport skydiving, but typical of my family someone else knew better of what I was doing than I did.
I wouldn't doubt someone out there has gifted boots with the metal hooks for laces. Not wearing boots was one of the things emphasized for tandems at my drop zone.
(Looking at your name) Did you do CRW stuff? Swooping? I'm still new, but I love the canopy time more than free fall, and am looking for folks who I can leech knowledge off of.
Awesome! Blue Skies!
Yeah, sports shoes, hiking SHOES (not boots) are appropriate. The swoopers would wear shoes with little tread so that they didn't catch anything on the ground. I've seen a few broken ankles like that and a boot would not have helped.
I'm a former jumper now. My last jump was in 2006. Main reason is I got bored and took my life in another direction. I did some CRW and was actually in the 100 record attempt in Lake Wales many years ago, although I have to admit I'm not the best CReWdog and got cut. So I'm not officially a part of the record, but I was there. I was on the record setting team for big ways in Ohio, Indiana, and Kentucky (65-ways). I think that was 1999 and not sure if those records still stand. It was all the same team, we just flew from our base at Skydive Greene County in Xenia OH over to Skydive Greensburg, IN and someplace in KY... Can't remember what airport it was in Kentucky.
Also had a 4 and 8 way competition team. We traveled a bit to compete and went to nationals every year up until about 2003, until internal conflicts on the team broke it apart.
I took jumpers just off student status and trained them on canopy skills, hence my moniker. Never taught swooping, at least not with toggles. I consider toggle turns close to the ground too dangerous and have known people that were killed that way. I get it and I've never tried to argue people out of doing hook turns, but it's not something I would ever teach or recommend. If you want to swoop use your front risers. Not as exciting, but you'll have a much better chance at becoming an old skydiver. There are a couple of my former students who are professional skydivers today and you've seen them jump in movies. They have far out stripped this old dog, that is for sure and I'm quite proud of them.
Other than that, I did attain a USPA PRO license and did a lot of demo jumps. Stadiums, golf courses, a couple of NASCAR races and a few airshows. I hated doing airshows the most as it was typical for the director of the air show to know nothing about skydiving and I'd have to deal with weird restrictions. Just about got into a fist fight with one idiot telling me NO TURNS under 1500ft... Not even S turns. I told him to go fuck himself and I pulled my team out of the show. God damn whuffos.
My token is me under my PD Spectre 150 in 1997. I also had a Spectre 135 and a Sharp Chuter. Actually, I had several Sharp Chuters as jumping smoke destroyed them after a while. My container of choice was the Sunpath Javelin. I had a J-2 Javelin, which is what I was jumping in my token photo. My 135 was in one of the first Javelin Odysseys off the production line. I want to say it was a TNJ, but don't remember and I sold it when I retired. I did demo jumps using a Dolphin. Back in those days you could buy one of those for $500 so if it got torn up due to smoke or some other demo jump thing it was not big deal. I think I did replace it once.
All in all I'm somewhere in the 4500's for jump numbers. My log books have fallen to multiple moves over the last 20 years, so I don't know the exact number. I know people with tens of thousands of jumps. The DZO of Skydive Greene County, Jim West, passed away last week and he was north of 20,000 jumps 25 years ago and I'm sure he added a lot more. He had more time in free fall that a lot of people have riding in planes.
Also, don't take skydiving advice off the internet if it's anything other than... "ASK YOUR JUMP MASTER or S&TA".
BSBD
she wants that thing that you use all the time to be from her, while she watches you use the new one and to give it the age that shows all the wear and tear that you will put into it
she probably respects that you respect and cherish the old one and maybe she doesn't want you to go without if it fails which all things will do in time
maybe you should put the old one in place that lets you see it as a trophy or momento while you use the new one and enjoy the gift your love has gifted to you
"You shouldn't have, I appreciate that you noticed how much I use the old one, this is awesome."
That's the response that you should have used. I get where you're coming from with the shirt comparison, but it's not the same. YOU like nerd shirts, not everyone does. She gave you a better version of something you use on a regular basis.
Saying this gift is awesome sounds like a straight-up lie, given what OP wrote about their true feeling
Weasel wording around it, like acknowledging their thoughtfulness (as you say with "appreciate that you noticed how much I use it" without mentioning the gift's downsides) seems like a really good option and I'd leave it at that, leaving options open to later discuss what to do with the instance of this object that has sentimental value attached. Hearing that question/thought (later, when not in the middle of a gift-giving ritual), the partner presumably realises the error without needing to be told and can warm up to the idea that this new one might not be what OP would prefer to keep
Nah, that's nonsense. Sounds like the old one was sufficient, and had deeper meaning attached to it.
That's true, but I don't think that negates what was good intent. Plus we have no idea about delivery of the message from OP.
Agree, and I said as much in a separate comment. We also don't know anything about the delivery of the gift giver, either though..
True. I guess good intent and delivery is generally assumed with a gift but not always there. It's not implied in the post though.
There's a lot of important context missing but on balance, with the bits we do have, I think OP probably could have handled it with more sensitivity.
I didn't catch any deeper meaning other than "it worked for what I needed".
It's right there in the OP
Your right, I got that mixed up with the 3d printer mentioned.
I think OP is saying that they have an old 3d printer that they made/love, and their spouse got them a new (better, nicer looking, but less sentimental) 3d printer.
Well my advice would be to not pick a fight over a mildly annoying gift, but you seem to have your compass set to your priorities. So good luck, hope you work it out.
They bought you thing they were sure you would like and tought they were thoughtful. Maybe they expected other kind of reaction and depending how you declined it, it very well may feel like you threw their nice thing against their face.
To most people, especially the spouces it may not be about the present, but the idea behind it. Like i dont generally think my wife knits very good socks. If i would go shopping socks my self i would never pay anything for that quality product. But i know my wife thinks i need to keep my feets warm and she is thinking me when she makes them. Saying her socks are bad would not be review of the product, but attack against her.
I would say just swallow your pride and use the newer nicer thing and thank them for thinking about you, but say in the future you want to get similiar things yourself.
They were not thoughtful if they tried to replace something that has enough value to the person that they actually love it more than a new version of the same thing.
They wanted to replace something that clearly didn't need replacing but thought it would "look" better ignoring completely a well established pattern and preference for not having new things just because they are new.
The reaction to asking it to be returned and being hurt by it is manipulative and the entire thing is completely condescending
I disagree.
From what op wrote i dont get any malice from the spouces gift. I belive they sincerelly tried to do nice thing.
Would you not be hurt if you really tought you did a nice thing to your loved one and were scolded for it? I completelly understand how it might have upsetted the spouce.
Thats why i would accept the gift and very carefully tell the other side they should not do it again.
The only information started was (I wanted to return it)
Why are you claiming the partner was being scolded? We don't know that happened
The last weekend almost the entire post expressing how confusing the gift was because of how obvious it is to them that the spouse had enough information to know they wouldn't appreciate the gift.
I'll accept that there is a lot we dont know so I'm only responding to what was presented in the post and attempting to accept it as is.
Please, I'll actually listen, where did you get any impression of how the partner was scolded by op.
Sounds like you got the gift, and same day/party told them you're going to return it?
This sounds like me... Father gave me a gift that I don't need, I get irritated and said something that I shouldn't say. Spouse pointed that out to me, said it was their thought that mattered. I feel sorry and guilty ever since...
I never used that thing, but I kept it very safe.
In a perfect world, you can accept the gift graciously and then give it away later without making a big deal about it. At least in the Marie Kondo school of things, you think about how the person who gave you a gift out of kindness and love wouldn't want it to be burdening your life.
That's that if it really is important to them that you keep this gift. There might be something more complicated going on that I don't really understand.
Thank you for your thoughts. It was actually a thoughtful gift, a Monitor Calibrator. At the time, my work was art related. Maybe deep in my mind, I always wanted to put it into some use... Maybe I should dig it up and use it.
Just for the record, I'm going insane wondering what the thing is.
Expensive kitchen appliance. I don't think the specifics are relevant.
Sort of relevant, the post made it sound like it might be a 3d printer. You can have two prints going on at once with two 3d printers.
It's about this long.
Wanting to return it seems hurtful to me. You could probably just use it later, could you not?
This reminds me of a family member doing this once and not getting why it hurt my other relative. They eventually apologized because they realized rejecting a nice gesture is a dick move. Don't be a dick.
When someone who's in your daily life gives you a gift, you:
Can't say much more without knowing what the thing is.
I have a pretty firm "just don't get me any presents" rule. It's taken some time to gain compliance with this rule. Similar to the shirt rule, I assume you gave some of those presents before being asked not to? Try the exact same approach that was used on you. Then you might have to reiterate it every once in a while.
But OP doesn't have that rule, because OP clearly loves both the 3D printer (gift from spouse) and whatever old dented thing is being replaced (gift from mother in law).
OP can't pivot to a "no gifts" rule when prior gifts have been well received and did enrich OP's life.
I'd certainly argue he can pivot. He just can't expect adherence prior to voicing that opinion. I'd also mention that despite my personal "no gifts" rule, I've received gifts that were spectacular. With the rule in place it seems to force people to actually put thought into the gift rather than just trying to get somewhat close to my current interests and hobbies.
My husband and I told family what we wanted for occasions was a gift in our name to charity X. We picked one each year that takes online donations and sends cards "Person donated to us in your name!" They went along the first two years, they didn't donate the third year, and my husband and I stopped announcing charities after that and we all went along happily without gifting.
If a gift is given with expectations its not a gift, its a trade you didnt agree to. You have to be able to deny the gift. Maybe you should talk about expectations and preference.
You're getting down voted but it honestly feels like this sometimes. I've also heard the phrase covert contract. Essentially if you don't react properly, you're punished. It's happened my whole life.
There's nothing wrong with being true to yourself and reacting honestly. You didn't intend on ruining the day or hurting their feelings, right?
Respectfully, what contract do you think this gift represented? What do you think you'd be getting out of by not accepting it?
Is OP supposed to lie and act like they enjoy the gift when in reality they don't for you to see their behavior as normal? What is the expected normal reaction in your mind?
I asked what the contract is, not what the reaction should be, or are you saying you'd say the contract is the reaction?
Forming an emotional, but unspoken attachment to the person receiving the gift enjoying it and gladly accepting it is the covert contract. The punishment is being upset because OP doesn't want it or like it and them insisting that they keep the gift.
This is OP's spouse, not a stranger. They can't politely accept the gift and hide that they don't enjoy or want that gift without deception.
100k miles is practically new lmao
For the majority of people, yes, but not for the general mindset of the populace. Just because only 10% of folks replace their cars before 35k miles, the general feelings out there are that anything above 100k is definitely well used.
I see a lot of "just accept the gift" here, but that's a rough choice. If you accept the gift, then you would be expected to use it over the one that you like. Your wife may even go so far as to throw the other one away (depending on what it is). So I don't think accepting the gift was ever an option.
It really is a hard spot to be put in, and I would have probably done the same thing in your position, even though I hate denying gifts. The whole premise of gifting is flawed, imo, at least where I'm from. To me, the one being gifted is put more on the spot than the one gifting. I hate getting gifts for this reason.
So maybe this. Explain why you like the one you use better, but that you're very happy with the gift. Ask her if it's okay if you keep that gift as a backup if your first one breaks and store it by the first one "just in case". Its never bad to have two of something.
You don't have to use the gift often. Just show appreciation for it.
You are literally saying just lie to them because deception and untruth is a good thing.
They DO NOT appreciate the gift itself. The giving of A gift is different from the gift itself. And that is the important distinction here that make it a lie or not
A white lie to make others feel good is a good thing.
That's text book manipulation
Manipulating people so they don't feel bad when their acts of kindness don't please you is better than bluntly but honestly crushing their spirits.
Disagree
I once told my grandma I didn't care for her cooking and she went home and killed herself, so consider it from my perspective
I understand why both of you might be upset but they will eventually understand why it wasn’t the best gift idea for you and all will be fine. Those things happen, don’t interpret so much into it. It might not be as obvious to them as you think it should be that you don’t like new things. Talk about it in a respectful way, they wanted to do something nice for you after all.
Yep, this sort of situation is common, and definitely not any sort of crazy, relationship-ending drama (OP you shouldn't entertain any of the classic reddit-esque "Delete facebook, hit the gym, get a lawyer" type of "impending divorce" comments). However, it could definitely benefit from them sitting down together and having clear purposeful communication all about this issue, each of their feelings, their expectations vs reality, etc. So everyone can get on the same page, understand that neither of them intended to hurt the other, and neither of them necessarily "did something wrong," etc. In most of these relationship arguments, there is no "you are wrong, I am right" or "you are the one that did something wrong, and must apologize." It's almost always justa miscommunication that sets off a bunch of emotions, because one or the other (or both) are not aware of the intentions of the other person, or misunderstood something and made the wrong assumptions/conclusions. Talking it out is always the best way to move forward.
I know "love languages" is mostly pseudoscience, but it's not wrong in that different personalities with different upbringings/backgrounds, all have different preferences in how they like to be shown love and affection, and how they like to show others love and affection. Often the second (how to show affection to others) ends up just being a projection of the first (i.e. "This is how I like to be shown affection, so I will do the same to show my affection to others, since they must appreciate it in the same way I do.").
A few things for OP to consider in this situation:
OP should likely avoid just focusing on "You know I don't like new things, you know I like repairing old things, you know I found the original one from your mother to be sentimental, etc." OP can, and should, broach some of the above for sure, but introduce it with things like "I know that you put a lot of thought and care into your gift, and it showed that you really pay attention to my interests and what sort of things I am into and what items I put to good use. Your gift was definitely very thoughtful, and I apologize that my reaction seemed to discount that thoughtfulness entirely." and that's when OP can remind their spouse, "...but you know how I much prefer older things that I can keep repairing, and keep for sentimental value. This is part of me that defines my preferences and wants vastly more than the function of the thing itself. So while I am appreciative of your thoughtfulness for getting me a version of 'said thing' that functions in the same way but is new and in better shape, that is the reason I still feel like the gift doesn't quite hit the mark for what is important to me... because the age and sentimentality of my current one is extremely important to me, and I felt like you ignored that part of me when putting a lot of thought into the other aspects."
I'm going to go a different route with advice.
Once this all gets worked out, it might be worth considering a new rule with gifts: don't gift things, gift experiences. Or alternatively, don't gift permanent things, gift consumables.
If you gift someone a tool, appliance, dress, etc. then they will need to find space to store it, even if they don't like it. But if you get them a bottle of wine, or a dinner, or a trip to the Bahamas, then if they don't like it it won't be there forever and they'll likely have a nice story.
But that might not work with your relationship and I have no way of knowing. Just pitching the idea in case it's a good fit for you
(Quick aside, I don't know all the details, so I use a lot of imprecise language to account for uncertainty.)
A very common reason that people like old things is that they are trying to be self sacrificial or frugal to save money. I'm not saying that's why you are, but it's important to realize. Your wife could very easily see you always doing this as you trying to be nice and save money for the family/pair of you rather than getting yourself something nice. I'm sort of like that. I have a weird aversion to spending money so don't always get myself nice things.
Gifts can be given for a lot of different reasons. It's sort of difficult to quantify why because it's something emotional. Giving someone a gift card for something can feel better than giving money because it is more specific to their interests, and giving a specific gift is even moreso.
I think your spouse perhaps sees you every day surrounding yourself with things that they view as old and broken and maybe thinks you're doing it because you don't want to spend the money or treat yourself to something nice. So for a gift, they may have thought "for once, my spouse deserves something nice, I want them to have something nice and new."
Then, when you say "I don't like this, I like my old one" it hurts their feelings perhaps because they think you're saying it's a bad gift. They may have put a lot of thought into this expensive gift, maybe even thinking long and hard about what aspects about it you may use more. I think you said it's a kitchen appliance in another comment? So I'll assume it's something like that, just to help explain. Say it's something like a kitchen top mixer. Maybe they thought about the foods you make and the attachments and may have even thought about specific times you struggled with the older one (that despite working fine, maybe doesn't have features some new ones have). If all of that is true, when you say it's not a good gift, you could be saying all that thought and effort was incorrect.
Something frustrating about this is that there isn't really a right answer. There's not necessarily an objectively correct answer to whether they should've gotten you the gift and whether you were wrong to ask to return it and set a boundary about newer items as gifts. You two are in a relationship. Relationships are about compromise. You brought up the nerdy shirt thing as an example. It could be comparable, but it's hard to say. If the shirt selection process is something like "my spouse likes superman and there is a superman shirt at the store, I'll buy it" and their gift selection process is something like "my spouse uses this item nearly every day, this is how they use it, these are the things they struggle with, these are the features they would benefit from having, I'll get them this one" then no, they aren't comparable. (But, I don't know everything, the thought process could've just been "let me go to an online store and pick the one with the best reviews" and nothing more.) I don't wanna make assumptions and apply them, that's part of why a lot of this is sort of vague and "if if if", but it could very well be that they didn't want the shirts in part because they know they won't wear them and also because they may have thought you weren't putting a lot of thought into them.
Every relationship is unique. We have to not only think about how we show love, but also how we're willing to accept being loved. Gift giving is a love language. This gift may have been a very intimate and genuine expression of love from your spouse. Asking them to return it would hurt their feelings very badly. And it sounds like it did if they had to leave the house.
How did you feel when you agreed to not buy them nerdy shirts? Was it just sort of like "okay, I can do that" or was it devastating? Thinking about compromising and how we both show love and accept love, it might not be comparable. If nerdy shirts bother them but you not being able to give them doesn't upset you, then that's a win, right? No downside. But if you not wanting something new upsets you and it also really upsets your spouse not being able to give them, then it's complicated. And whether or not you should accept the gift isn't really the point I'm making in this moment, I'm just trying to help explain why this situation may not be as comparable to the shirt scenario, despite seeming like it is.
My gut feeling to all of this is that you should just accept gifts. That was how I was raised. Maybe it's just considered a polite thing because of the culture of where I live (southeast US). But that moment is past. You can't go back to how you reacted when you opened it so it's no use talking about. What has happened is that your spouse's feelings are hurt and you hurt them. It doesn't matter who is in the right at this moment, what matters is that you hurt them. You need to apologize for hurting their feelings. Try to understand their feelings and apologize for the things you did that hurt them. Don't provide explanations or defend yourself, because apologies aren't about who is right and wrong, they're about who is hurt.
In general, I think asking someone if you can return their gift is pretty rude. I always try to include a gift receipt in case people want to, but getting told to my face "I returned your gift because I didn't like it" would be upsetting.
I definitely think discussing some new boundaries after this are in order. Not necessarily because either of you did anything wrong (because I also want to give you the benefit of the doubt that this gift may have upset you too), but because this situation led to a scenario where both of you got really upset. Maybe a cash limit on gifts? Maybe gifts over that limit you discuss together? "Honey, you always use that old mixer, and you deserve a new one, I want to get you one." "No, but thank you, I like this because X and Y." Or, if the surprise aspect is important to your spouse and they really don't want to ruin it, maybe you can agree on no gifts over a certain price that are replacements for things you already have? And that if she gets it wrong, you still accept the gift maybe? Maybe you both agree to talk about gifts over that price limit prior to purchase?
Relationships and love can be difficult things. But communication is key. Apologizing is key. Apologize for hurting their feelings without defending your actions or explaining yourself. Once they feel better, talk about what the new boundaries might look like.
Did your spouse at any point ask you what you wanted for your birthday, or did you at any point tell them (of your own volition) what you wanted for your birthday?
Both parties have yet to learn that simple piece of wisdom:
The bait must be to the fish's liking, not to the angler's.
I'm very suprised by a lot of these comments. it's very common advice that a gift giver should gift something that the reciever wants, not the giver. Not gifting someone they already know isn't common advice but it's already common sense. Common sense isn't always as common as the name suggests, though, and we all have blind spots. The other commenters may be right in that your wife's reaction might be a sign that your tone was harsher than you intended or thought, but that doesn't change the fact that you were hurt as well. if this was an aquiantance i might agree that you should have just accepted the gift graciously even if you were just gonna return it, but your partner should someone you can be honest with and someone who will appreciate that honesty
like most relationship problems, i think the best way to move forward is to talk it out. i'd apologize for the way you reacted whether or not you actually blew your lid as an olive branch. explain again calmly where you're coming from with this and emphasize gratitude that your wife was observant enough to get you a gift they thought you would use while also explaining- again, calmy- why your wife came to the wrong conclusion. try and zero in on the heart of the problem- was it specifically that you wanted to return it that was the issue? then you might be able to compromise that you keep it until your current one is broken beyond repair, for example. never ever ever say "i'm sorry you feel that way," that never goes well, but do show genuine concern and remorse for the way that they feel. after your wife blows off some steam, if you both approach this calmly and in good faith i'm sure you'll be able to find a compromise. that might look like your t-shirt rule, "no gifting things i already own," or deciding to always gift "experiences" instead like another commenter said, or maybe just no gifts moving forward if it really is always going to be a point of contention
good luck to you and i hope everything works out well for the both of you
Receiving an apology when it's not real is the shortest way to make me distrust everything else you are going to say in an situation like this.
If you don't actually feel sorry don't fucking say that shit. That's just setting yourself up for resentment and distrust.
This is exactly how old arguments get brought up again and again.
With something like "I always KNEW you weren't actually sorry about the time XYZ..."
You can be honest without actively and willfully deciding to lie about the situation. It's just not the easy thing to do. But it's the right thing to do
i think you replied to the wrong comment?
I responded to your comment correctly. You said to apologize even if they didn't blow their lid as an olive branch.
What exactly is the apology worth if you don't actually believe you did anything wrong? That's manipulative. You are giving a false impression of contrition.
And people pick up on disingenuous behavior often enough that you shouldn't do it.
I'm not the best at explaining myself, especially in text only, so I'm sorry if I'm not being clear, I don't know how else to explain the dishonesty it makes me feel thinking about that it.
It's like a corporation making a public apology. If you don't actually feel bad then it's an empty gesture with only an ulterior motives behind it. That rubs me entirely the wrong way.
In not claiming to be the world's best communicator or even a member of that League, but it's clear as day to me how much of a problem lieing is because people refuse to see it as a problem
i agree with you that insincere apologies are wrong. OP structured their post looking to understand their wife's POV, rather than to get a bunch of strangers to agree with them like on an AITA post. if that were the case i definitely wouldn't suggest apologizing. OP acknowledges that they hurt their wife, even if they didn't mean to, much like their wife hurt them, even if they didn't mean to. i just think sitting down and actually expressing that, saying "hey, i wouldn't have said that or said it the way i said it if i knew it would upset you, i'm sorry" establishes empathy and good faith, and often times doing that is enough to get the other person to do the same thing. if OP didn't seem sorry i wouldn't have suggested apologizing
i think my wording was the problem here in hindsight. "i'd apologize for the way you reacted whether or not you actually blew your lid" does sound like i'm saying to apologize for being angry even if you weren't angry. what i was trying to say was that apologizing for hurting them, even if their reaction seemed way out of proportion to what OP said or how OP said it, would be a good first step to reconciliation
If you made it clear you do not like new things I don't know why your spouse thought this would be different. And then on top of it to need to leave the house to cool off (which that itself is fine, but feeling so strongly about it isn't imo) something feels off.
If I knew my partner didn't like new stuff, and I got her new stuff anyway, I wouldn't take it personally and get very upset about it. Did you talk to your spouse about it yet? Clearly there's a disconnect somewhere but you did nothing wrong by saying you want to return it. Hell, it's not like you returned it already and used that money to buy something else. Or pretended to like it but return it in secret. You're being very open and honest and communicative about your feelings which is good.
Idk, feels like a pretty big overreaction on your spouses part that warrants a conversation.
I could see you not reacting well to the gift and them being upset, but then it turned into something more than that. They made the mistake of doing something that you claim is well known you don't like. You held your line and rather than let it sit for a bit insisted it had to go. Now you're both mad/upset over a gift. Doesn't make sense, does it? Even more so if the value of this object isn't that much even new. Who is hurt more by this? You're confused about their reaction but were you hurt by the act of giving, even if it was something unwanted? The core thing you should ask yourself is why it became an argument, and was it worth it? It doesn't even matter who was right.
Down vote me if ya want but I very much feel OP. I always will take an older model or refurnished over some new, overly priced gizmo. I understand that the new thing is maybe an improvement but the capitalist churn of new devices every other week makes me sick. "What's wrong with older devices?", is my shtick. A computer from 2011 will run fine without a copious amount of bloat publishers push. I had a very thoughtful mother in law who fixed my screen on my computer instead of buying me a new laptop. My ex husband on the other hand always wanted the trendiest item Instagram was selling and would request his mom get it for him, we were poor (who would've guess two kids in their 20s were working on our finances). I'm still actively playing my original Xbox One from 16ish years ago, and my console still loads faster than my friends' newer consoles.
I'm not alone! Lol
I thought this community was a half sarcastic knockoff of the reddit equivalent sub, didn't actually expect to see a serious post lol.
EDIT: For your own sanity, please take the advice here with a grain of salt
Gifts don't have to be something you like, want, or need. It's about the thought, care, and love that goes into them. Whether you like new things or old things, it doesn't matter. Gifts have subtext. Your SO probably will equate your love for the gift with your love for them. Use them both. Love them both. Love the people who gave you both.
My whole intention with gifts is to make someone else happy. Otherwise, it's not a gift.
I get where you come from, I think there are great answers here that explain why the two people here are likely upset. But if you gift someone something that you know they won't like, that sucks.
There is a difference between giving some a gift you know they don't like and giving someone a gift that they don't like. It's literally the thought that counts, and as someone who has been married a long time, it's important to place the thought first and the gift a distant second.
If (when) I get another tie for Father's Day, I won't necessarily like, want, or need it, but I will still cherish and appreciate it. It's nice to get things you like, but it's much nicer to be loved and appreciated.
This story is specifically non-gendered but people keep assuming that OP is male and partner is female.
That's an important observation then isn't it?
Fixing things broken things. Not wanting or appreciating things just because they are new. Nerdy T-shirts.
by assuming OP is male and that their partner is female, these things are seen in this community as undoubtedly male and the reaction undoubtedly female to those that assumed them.
Not sure how useful that observation is but it is an observation that is interesting to consider. I think so anyway. I'm sure not everyone agrees but I'm okay with that
Just say thank you for the gift and move on. It has always been comical how much angst happens over gifts…
Making an issue about a gift is stupid.
Is the gift so expensive that you feel it necessary to reclaim the money? Would it feel as though something was missing if they hadn't got you anything? It seems like the more appropriate choice in this situation might have been to accept the gift generously and simply not used it, or not used it often and continued to use the older item. Then, if asked about it, perhaps explained it at that point instead of making a point of explaining that you wanted to return the item and get the money for it.
You need to have a conversation regarding the feelings surrounding this with your spouse and what each others' love language is.
It sounds like part of your spouse's love language is gift giving, which may be why your rejection of their gifts hurts so much. You may view it as rejecting an object, they may view it as you rejecting their love.
I expect this to be a hard conversation, in part because it is a discussion on how you love each other.
OP exhibiting some autistic traits here.
Eh I'm the same as OP about old stuff. I'll hold to old stuff even if it is the wrose possible option due to sentimental value.
Alls I will say is you pick your battles in marriage and when it comes to things to fight over you gotta sorta ask if its really worth it. I am much like you. To the point where I have had like acquaintances (people you know but are not friends that you hang out with) complain and even want to buy me clothes because they can't stand the old or worn stuff. In particular women. If you are like me was are especially bad about these things even for men. Like stallman level unkeptness. To the point even some male friends will be like. You need to get some better threads. If that is you then she is not likely being totally unreasonable.
You messed up. Plenty of people will tell you that.
I wanted to address the challenge you face with your spouse not accepting that you don't like change.
I find myself to be much the same, and very occasionally my wife tries to get me to change. I've explained it like this:
I don't like change. I find something I love, and I keep it forever. I don't want something new. I don't want something different. I want to keep what I have.
If I say it right and give her a chance to think about it, my wife, who I have been with since I was 16 and she was 15, figures out that she's ok with me not wanting change.
Honesty is never wrong. I think the best approach is to assure a bitch you love them, explain you know they meant well but this gift is not for you, and to suggest returning the gift in exchange for sharing an experience you'll legitimately enjoy together.
So, which one of you is a Libra? Xddd
You are heading for divorce.
You might be right but you're not really helping. I'm trying to fix things and specifically avoid divorce.
If you're trying to fix things, tell your spouse that you appreciate the sentiment (assuming you even do) and talk it out. My guess is that you instead got disputatious and made it clear that you actually didn't appreciate the effort, that what you have already is More Than Good Enough, Thank You, which put your spouse on their heels and hurt their feelings.
Of course this is just a guess on my part, but that's the vibe I got. As another said, you definitely sound like you're on the spectrum and need to keep that in mind when dealing with other people. You may not see the world in the same way as they do.
I completely agree with your stance.
However if your spouse has not figured you out by now and how you use things that’s a pretty major red flag.
Keep it under tight control and communicate better other wise something small like this will snowball to it’s eventual end.
I’ve seen it happen too many times.
WTF M8? This isn't Reddit.
We all make mistakes in our relationships. Hell, I've wildly miscalculated similar to the OPs spouse before, thinking "yeah, technically it breaks the rules, but this time is different (and she won't care) because LOOK at how shiny and cool the new thingy is, just look at all the features, plus it's BIFL, and there's no way she's NOT gonna love it forever!!".
In my case, my own excitement about the new thing completely overrode a previously set boundary, because I have a weird brain that has a tendency to latch on and hyperfocus on one aspect of a thing -- sometimes to an irrational extent -- which can cause detriment to all the other aspects of that thing. This is especially true when it comes to a complex social routine like gift-giving.
It's not my fault I have that tendency as part of my default neural circuitry, but it is my responsibility to recognize this tendency, own the missteps, and mitigate the damage to the fullest extent possible.