Someone please help me. Im drowning.

I hate my body.

My cousins are here for my brothers birthday tomorrow and they’re all in my sisters room enjoying time together like a normal happy family. And yet again I’m alone feeling like the piece of 💩 of the family.

I wish I actually felt at home with my family like they all do. I just feel miserable all the time and like I should just end it. I’m dependent on my family for a place to stay and I feel like such an outsider. I can’t join in. I’m the joke of the family. Everything is so confusing. And my body feels like shit. I just feel like a ball of poop more than a family member. I wish I could be happy when people are here but it makes me sad because I can’t join in. They think I’m a r*tard.

All I do is doomscroll and bed rot. I don’t even feel alive. I feel like a ghost. I hate the way I look. I just want to feel like I belong in my so called family. Every day is hell.

I wish I felt like I matter.

About an hour ago I took two pumps of gynokadin dosergiel estradiol (approx 1.5mg I believe?). Will take 1 tablet (100mg) of Spironolactone tomorrow 🙏

Kinda feeling something already but it’s probably just placebo.

[yes, i am a cis woman but I feel (and look😓) like a man basically. I’m 23. Been to the gp and apparentlyyyy I’m only deficient in Vitamin D but Idek what they actually tested me for 🤷‍♀️ (besides that). I was basically told “NO”! to hrt. So since my life and health is awful, I decided to do a little research and got it myself. I am about to ovulate within the next week ish so I probably won’t take that much but we shall see how it goes!] Any advice welcome 🦋

I’m afraid to be vulnerable. Fully. And that’s messing with my whole nervous system/body. I’m in this survival response and it’s killing me because I feel I need to brace for impact all the time because if I don’t, I will be killed(in my vulnerable soft relaxed state). This is fucking with my hormones and everything. I’m scared. I either kill myself slowly this way by stressing myself out or I let my self feel all the feelings. Even if it means by the time I get to my most “healthy” relaxed state, I’ll die at the hand of another. I keep my guard up but it’s my Achilles heel. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I feel unprotected if I let my body truly rest.

Maybe I need to allow myself to be killed at the hands of another in order to reach a new level. Transcend. Be unafraid of death. But it means having to relearn everything.

My grandpa just came in my room. He already saw me this morning…

A few weeks ago he was being aggressive with me and last week I sent him £1000 which he “jokingly” said he wanted and he sent it back.

I feel violated and scared for my life. I wish I could lock the door. But there’s no lock and I need to leave to room to use the bathroom so can’t really block the door too much. I feel like I can’t relax.

I think I’ll send £500 now because I need more privacy. I feel tense.

Apparently he said my sister hasn’t been paying rent but I don’t feel so connected and if paying that means a little extra privacy then good.

I feel like they want me gone and out their house but that’s not happening anytime soon in my state. Everyday feels hellish like one big never ending nightmare.

I feel in danger.

I’m feeling pretty emotional and crap rn. I spent a stupid amount of money among other things… I feel disgusting and ugly.

(Please delete if not allowed)

Rn. And sad. I ate the pork :/ i feel weird and shit. I had about 1300 calories. I have a bunch of perishables now…

Why do I always do this? :(. I was feeling good and now that progress is ruined. I want to feel like I can be out in the summer time and not like I need to hide all the time. I want to feel good about my body not like a disgusting freak. I don’t want to keep waiting til next summer next summer one summer. I know I can do this even though it’s hard.

I’ve been lying in my bed this whole time just keeping myself occupied with my phone. I have been feeling like I’ve been going into ketosis and it felt pretty f-ing good. I hate waking up everyday feeling disgusted with myself and ashamed like I have to hide from my own family because I’m so bad.

Fasting feels empathic. The longer I can maintain a fast, the more connected to others and the world I feel and have capacity to be.

I need to stop just going on my phone. I have been resting more.

I’d give the money I have to my family members to look after so I don’t impulse buy but I have in the past and it just doesn’t seem like the best option. I neeed to build proper trust with myself. I feel sooo stupid that I bought all this crap and my sister has seen it. I don’t even want any of it. I just add stupid shit to the cart to handle cravings and now it’s here… I feel weighed down and trapped by it.

I really don’t want to f up another summer.

This consumes my whole life and energy :(

Serious replies only pls

Edit: wow clearly people hate this post

One day I’ll be good enough for him. One day he’ll approve of me.

I’m about to take some myself in the next couple of weeks and would like to know the changes you’ve experienced upon taking them, what type you take, how long for, when you noticed a difference and what… etc

I have seen people’s posts but want to hear first hand if possible to really get an idea.

Thank you!

But I’m alone.

I don’t take it with friends. (It’s really popular where I’m from)

I’m just dissociated. Not got the excuse of k.

It’s not really like I can take something to combat this. That would itself be taboo.

…

The empty pit inside. I excuse my bad choice because of it. Let me just waste my money and time on things that will go nowhere. Let me have this food addiction since I’m too ugly and miserable to leave the house and you know it. Let me just doom scroll all day even though it’s making me worse, because let’s face it, it’s too late for me to turn things around and be satisfied with myself. I’ve given that role to other people. My sister. She’s the version of me I wish the world could see. The Galinda to my Elphaba.

I feel scared and slightly selfish to let my nervous system properly rest and give it what it needs. That’s a life I don’t know. Too unpredictable. And this is my role anyway.

I’ve got everything I could ever possibly need but a working brain and heart.

Looking back at my life, I cringe and delete everything, wish I didn’t do x or say that. And I eventually do forget and I’ll probably get dementia.

Cinderella is about a girl so alone she turned to drugs, she took the mdma she found from her sisters bag one day and suddenly felt happy got the first time.

She got all dressed up and had the best night of her life, even caught the eye of a wealthy prince. But things changed…

Before long, her reality started coming back to her. She didn’t feel so pretty or free anymore…

Fairy godmother’s don’t exist 🧚 🎃 🐎

Edit. It’s 2am. Just placed an order finally! Let’s see if it comes and works …

Gendergp is too expensive And I’m feeling desperate and impatient

Being single, I don’t have to worry about my boyfriend looking at and lusting over other women. Or not listening to me. Or judging me. Shouting at me. Calling me names. Threatening suicide. Or about his well being 🤷‍♀️. Keeping him interested…. The list goes on. Rethinking if being with him is really worth it…

But I don’t get cuddles, kisses, a person to go to and be with.

I always thought, “I need to focus on my friendships before getting with a guy” friends are the foundation. I wouldn’t be with me if I was a guy. I’m pretty boring. Not got anything going on. But Yh. Even though I’m currently single, I’ve not used my single time to work on my self and my life and improving it.

I do romanticise having an fp that I can run away with but. Maybe this is it.

I live on my grandmother’s land

She sees what I see, what I do… There’s no hiding from her. But I want to (?)

She works hard everyday in ways I never could, I owe her so much

She’s the ultimate woman, the true mother nurturer, Or is it some illusion I’ve convinced myself of?

I need to see others as good and myself as bad, She’s all I wish I could be, I wonder if she ever feels the same about me…

There’s no escaping family, I need her more than I’m willing to admit

Cut the cord and let’s be free, But will that shatter the perfect image?

Im not sure I’m ready for that To see things for what they truly are

Are you an Angel or something entirely different

Im confused Are you too?

Am I the crazy one or is it you?

I wonder what it’s like, To be you.

Sometimes I think if/when you die I’ll finally get some of your charm, morbid thought but probably not. I can’t see my life without you in it. With you dead and gone. We’re one and the same. I think maybe my life is like your death.

I’m so hungry so I stuff my face but it doesn’t work, I need what you’ve got but I’m no where near as smart as you or is that just another silly excuse?

So comfortable so complacent so familiar. It’s like a trap.

Give up my soul to let yours shine through my eyes

I’m doing you a favour as you do me. Where’s the grey?

I can’t truly be comfortable here, in my soul. Are you?

Maybe I’m meant to live vicariously through you, Forget about my own life

When will it all come crashing down