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I heard the online priest she listens to say depression is caused by satan. Then, I asked her if she doesn't ever doubt a single thing that man says. She denied it.

I know I heard this same discourse forever, but damn, my mom's too invested on this shit. After she began suspecting I have schizophrenia she's been trying all she can to get me a psych ward hospitalization (including threatening me with such), been talking less to me and GOT ME. ON. CATECHESIS.

Yes, Catechesis. For schizophrenia.

What the fuck?

I can't do many about it, I'm 15 and finding a job is really hard. I think this is my 12th CV and nothing.

I swear to god my nightmare is being injured for the actual wedding day

I post occasional video links in Videos from time to time, and the amount of people asking if it's worth watching is insane. Anything over 5 minutes is "too long"

The next complaint is about the videos actual title. Apparently any video title is "click bait."

I swear I'm gonna have to integrate subway surfers gameplay into the videos soon.

Now there's a whole bunch of lore I won't get into with him taking over the department eventually, but for this part of the story all you need to know is, he's a very quiet Russian guy who apparently doesn't talk much but suddenly explodes with little shit.

I was having a pretty good day when we got back from doing a load out when he comes up to me and says "you put the little pins here" I'm thinking okay this is one of his new sorting methods he's trying out since he'll be taking over and I'm about to say "oh alright my bad."

Before I can "this is not where they fucking go" "do you not fucking understand this?"

Now I'm a pretty level headed dude but one thing that sets me off is disrespect. I shoot off with "mind your attitude angel, I'll move them over but you need to speak to me with respect"

"Youll fucking do it no matter what"

This really set me off, since it had been a weird double manager situation he went off to complain since we were listening to the old manager more who actually knew what he was doing and our supervisors boss "the department head" told us "listen to what angel says"

Which we have been for 3 weeks, things have been getting done and weve been cooperative, but somehow he's got it in his head that he can speak to us however he wants. I draw the line at that and I will have this discussion again with my department head if I'm called in. I kept my mouth clean, I'm in the right here and I will tell the boss the same thing I told him "I will follow your orders but you will not get in my face and swear at me, I will chew you out every time"

I already had to do this when he first started and started unfairly chewing out one of the young out of high school guys who very calmly asked him not to "call him retarded" and he started going off on the young guy. You could be my bosses bosses boss and I will take the firing before allowing this kind of meaningless disrespect when you can much more easily say "please don't put these here"

That's all, and I'm serious - who will be my 'crastination champion? Step on up, step on up! I can't ask people I know irl to do it because they'll either get too lazy with it (you see why I am the way I am, huh?) or be weird and annoying about it. Just a DM on a regular basis saying "don't procrastinate today/this week!" (A week might be better tbh) Would be grand.

I drank three beers yesterday. I cried. My life partner is lying through his teeth to me, possibly his whole family is using me to scam the government, but the nonexistent relationship he had with his mother is a complete farce. He got into her car yesterday, when supposedly he refuses to even talk ABOUT her, running out of the apartment when she came over and threatened me in skillful ways, dismissing all I was saying about being manipulated, in a similar form of manipulation as he does to me.

I don't know what is and isn't true about him. He lied to gain my trust, learned more about me, manipulated me, and then skillfully made me seem like the crazy person while crafting his story that I am a horrible, evil cult leader and he is the vulnerable person getting abused. I'm the one that hits him, but I am the abused one. I don't choose to hit him. He skillfully goads me, deceives me, conflates the conversation, gaslights me, ignores me, etc to intentionally provoke my triggers so I become emotionally dysregulated and then he uses my reaction against me as proof that I am insane and he needs to be the one making decisions.

Do you know what happened to Richard Simmons? His housekeeper kept him a prisoner in his house for years. No lock and key. Skillful manipulation and using his high agreeableness against him. Same as the cult did to me, but I also have a narrative structure that has become malleable from trauma and drugs and manipulation, in that order, which is what Byoomth uses against me.

But it's always possible that he's really CIA and he intentionally had me see him at a time he knew I must be going to the library to see him, as he used a defunct card to financially abuse me, which he knew I would hear about that because I was trying to call my bank to figure out how to pay for this expensive laptop he needs for his critically important CIA job that involves falsely accusing me of touching him inappropriately to his father and in public. But I love him, so I forgive him, as I know he'll forgive me for telling the police everything I know.

No idea how I'm gonna afford this, maybe I should have just stayed home

Great. Got a text from my apartment complex. They may do a unit inspection because we can't stop smoking. My way of stopping is to not have it in the house. I can't do that. He has the willpower of a monk and wears me down until I cave. And he's going to look like the victim! He's so in control of himself that he deliberately plays dumb to set me off so he can wrangle control of the situation.

I'm mentally ill. That is self-evident. I'm being used by a master manipulator for supply. But is that real, or is he just pretending to be awful to me in skillful manners that make me out to be the bad guy? Is he CIA? What he says and what he does makes sense. But I also have to contend with the fact that he may have a screw loose? I can't do anything. Doctors. Police. His mom. I'm alone, I feel, and while his mom invited me to cone over, she deceived me, slightly, playing dumb a little bit, as if she were aware what my life partner is doing is benefitting me in that it gives me chances to resist anger and strengthen my prefrontal cortex.

And I look like the devil. I want to kill myself, but I won't. I just have to be better. Keep trying. I can't give in like I have these past few days. I need to be stronger. But I am so hurt and tired and scared and caught in the MKULTRA that I can't manifest my intentions. I am dysregulated. I see a doctor once a month. She throws pills at me. They help slightly in some ways, but these are tremendous life problems I'm dealing with. Help. Help. Help.

I took DXM yesterday, on it now. Low doses, and I didn't buy it. It just shows up at my apartment, thanks to my compassionate life partner financially abusing me. That's gunna come up in the court case, undoubtedly, but like DXM previously allowed me to click in my head that I might be gay/have feminine qualities way back, fackin', thirteen, fourteen years ago now, the afterglow of that first plateau trip led me to the conclusion that I have nothing to fear and that I should go to the police about this situation.

So, I did. And nothing. He's not TECHNICALLY doing anything illegal, sorta, I think? He doesn't have a warrant I found out. But he's making me look like I'm a supervillain in the eyes of the observing law, that I understand now is trying to put me away, not whatever mission bullshit God had me believe was gunna magick itself, which I still believe so (I'm not a top, just a bottom-feeder atm), but I also know I have to fight the bullshit that I am forced to go through so that I live through this and get to be a "top" again, as a real man this time! Direction, too!

But, despite not being able to help me, the police officer, whether he was conscious of this or not (God weaves us between parallel universes to facilitate our Karma), caused a synchronicity where my brain double-clicked (I thought of part of this last night, too), and I sent an email to his mom, which in the process of typing this sentence, I realized he's going to see this.

Which makes me confused. My reality is so fucking warped through deception it's not funny! The aliens just gave me a kumquat that yes, it is funny, and I have to agree, from an outsider's perspective, y'know, schizoautismo retard lolcow juggler n skilled righter gets embroiled in super huge government conspiracy because he told his ROTC cadre his nonexistant sister got him pregnant, that's funny, obviously. BUT I'M BEING SET UP BY JOE ARPAGIO'S FINEST UNIFORMED CRIMINALS AND THAT'S SCARY AF!

What do I do? Should I delete this, so he never sees? Well, that's the thing; he prompted me yesterday, talking about AI, saying it lies to him all the time, but he did it with this tone he does that means he is saying something to me, which I interpreted as him telling me he is always lying to me, so I need to do something about this situation. And I got a pimino melon this morning (my neighbor, who definitively knows who I am and cross-talks me from his balcony, said the word, "dimorphism" to catch my attention, then said something clear as day to me about the roles we play), so I really feel like he and God both want me to turn him in.

But is that crazy? I'm sure some people have no capacity to think beyond the notion that I am nuts and everything out of my mouth is not to be believed, which is a defect in the human psyche the CIA/etc take advantage of in the population so they can do things out in the open and no one questions anything.

Regardless, using all forms of cognition at my disposal, I have to conclude that I have to do something to save myself from this shit, less I be fucked by how much I have been fucked over by numerous people over the years, setting me up because I screwed up, in true Johnny Tremain style. And I'm cool with it, because I know God's got this shit on lock.

in a way this has been my experience talking to people

FLOS un-aware people: "just google it"

me: "no i'd rather we talk about it as humans. i get three 'pages' of heavily filtered searchresults, frontloaded with LLM generated template sites, then there's an end to the search results on most search engines btw... search engines suck these days."

FLOS-unaware people: "huh? no look click search and i get tons of results and this looks like answers to my questions. no problems?"

me: "but i don't get those results you get and i get a cap to the total amount of search results shown to me."

FLOS un-aware people: "huh. (you're) weird (for having this problem with something mundane that i've never considerd.)."

me: "not really, once you consider this is the natural consequence of the propeitary model."

etc.

My partner and I had our second a few weeks ago and I received a number of 100% genuine (and appreciated) "have fun with the kiddo" and "enjoy this time while it lasts" messages and you know what? I fucking hate the newborn phase.

Lack of sleep makes me angry, and the entire newborn phase is a red tinted haze of fury. Here i am in the middle of the GODDAMN night rocking this fucking potato for 45 fucking minutes and it's just staring at me without blinking having the time of its goddamn life. My fucking feet hurt, I'm getting fat because food is the only thing that brings me the tiniest flicker of happiness, my partner is frankly a raging bitch and I'm sure I am in return, the toddler loses his mind at the drop of a hat, and I'm supposed to enjoy it?

Nothing about this is enjoyable. I hate every fucking second and I can't wait to sleep train this goddamn barnacle who I CAN'T EVEN HELP CALM BECAUSE I'M NOT THE ONE BREAST FEEDING and I guess that means the only person the baby will relax with is mom. Being helpful and competent are core aspects of my self image, and this mindless sack of shit has robbed me of that.

I'm so fucking tired.

I'm at a phase in my life where I don't see myself evolving. It feels like I live the same day and make the same mistakes repeatedly over years — I'm trapped in a loop of anguish. I'm not religious, so I don't believe in an afterlife. The life we have is limited time, and we should make the best of it, but I'm failing at that. It seems my fear of trying is smaller than my fear of wasting my life. I have mental blocks that prevent me from trying things that would probably make me feel good, that would make me progress, or at least pull me out of this pit of anguish and frustration I find myself in.

I waste my whole day consuming passive, meaningless content because it offers distraction from this shit life. I'm having trouble finding motivation. When I do find it, it's extremely volatile, never lasting long enough to cause real change — it only generates another instance of frustration.

I don't see meaning in life. I stay alive because I cling to some hopes — hope that someday I'll create real personal connections, that I'll find love. But I'm afraid it'll just be another illusion, another expectation that will be frustrated. What if love isn't as amazing as people say? What if it's like that movie everyone recommends — recommendations fill you with interest and expectations, but when you watch it, you see it's just another shallow cliché, and that hope you had for a brief moment of good entertainment is destroyed when that time gets filled with frustration. What if, when I do find love, it's not salvation or something that gives me the much-needed sense of purpose, something that makes my existence relevant?

I schedule appointments with psychologists frequently during motivation lapses, usually stemming from moments of frustration, but those feelings created by such motivation never last until the appointment day, making me cancel.

It's like the mental block I mentioned prevents me from doing small to large acts that would get me out of inertia. But this inertia has become "comfortable" enough to trap me, like an invisible cage, where I always hit the walls when I move toward progress. At some point, my subconscious simply gave up trying to reach freedom. Even motivation lapses don't give me the power to destroy this cage and free myself. It's as if the maximum I can achieve during these lapses is running in circles inside the cage, while having the false impression of progress. And when that moment ends, I find myself trapped in the same place.

Not necessarily better, but got news. I was rejected for the fifth time from one of the two PhDs at my preferred university. So now, I just have to move on. There are 3 more opportunities.

In other news, I received an email from a pen pal. We speak in German so that I can keep practicing. Big part of studying a language is using it on your everyday, and in this case, I try reading something every once in a while, but reading her and writing back is very difficult. Not because I don't understand, but because I too easily make mistakes. I still enjoy it though.

My personal projects are also growing, not much, but steady and I feel more and more employable as time goes, although outside of my head that might not be true, I try to stay positive. Working in isolation tends to bring a lot of insecurities, but I can't take the blame completely. Somethings simply didn't work out, collaborators are slower or less clear with their goals, family puts unnecessary pressure and also are bound to their own habits. I have gained weight while staying at my parents because they don't seem to understand that a sedentary lifestyle is not good. They don't talk about money, they don't save and at the same time they don't communicate.

Until later.

Edit: the chess table is a subtle hint to say that I am olaying chess again, after almost a year of not doing it

I have been someone that doesnthings and stops before finishing forna long time, and I am sick of myself. I have been almost a year writing a scientific paper, that is not close to being completed. I feel like a loser. Currently waiting on PhD decisions, the last 4 out of 8 (the rest iwas rejected). I am not pessimistic, I believe I'll be accepted, and I am not an idiot. But the last year has brought me so many insecurities.

During the last year, I engaged in complementary activities to be more employable in case I have to get a job in case all applications are rejected. I have been learning C, github workflows, CMake, Rust and docker.

I can use them, though i am no expert in any. I am happy about this, because even though I am a math nerd, I dont like simulations that much, so I though useful to add embedded systems.

I feel fat, ugly and lazy. Though I know I am not. I hope to get news soon, so I can pursue a job, prepare for a pPhD and most importantly... Move out again!

To be fair, I was really relaxed for the week I was on vacation. 24 hours after I got back though I am still freaking out about what I left. I still failed my first federal certification exam, I still spend 85% of my day trying not to drink (even though I didn't have a sip during my vacation and didn't even think of it), I still feel crippling loneliness any time I am not at school or work.

I am especially fed up with being around racist and homophobic people. My current boss is maybe the second true mentor I've ever had, and I am very grateful to him. He is genuinely an incredible teacher. He didn't have to hire me, I had 0 mechanical experience. But he took me on to learn his trade; and he is patient, deliberate, and thoughtful in his instruction. But he is a racist homophobic dickhead. The UPS guy once cut him off in the parking lot, so he refers to him as a "blunt smoking homie". He said our governor's immigration policies are bad because "that's what you get when you put a lesbian on office".

So I think I've escaped that when I go on vacation across the country. However we stayed in this loft property where all of the noise is funneled up in this three-story open concept building to the loft where my room is. So all week I am subjected to hearing my family downstairs talk about such concepts as my states free school supplies voucher being spent on "weaves and nails" and how every tv show is shoving LGBTQ values in their face.

I just want to be at peace for a bit, socially and physically. I am not ready to face my problems tomorrow. I want a real vacation

I am fat. I've been fit, I've been fat, Im fat right now. Been fasting where I can because regular working out just isnt happening yet, and Im trying to grapple with my relationship with food.

I cook. I cook like your great great grandma, but with better spices. I can make nearly anything from scratch. I've bread proofing right now, Pan de Cristal, Im working on a sunday sauce, dont @me with carbs, it's sunday and I will be having this one meal today. There is garlic confit in the oven! I make soups and beans, and chicken. My produce draw is always full with somthing. I dont buy any junk. Fruit, and peanut butter for the family, theres always stuff. I bake snacks. Like, for the love of god, my husband,

"Im running to walmart"

He comes home with a massive amount of freezer foods, his "snack run". Stouffers enchaladas, taquitos, what he calls a "pillow" of something just labled "taters", Frozen pizzas, all this. It wont even all fit in the freezer. Im stuffing my frozen veg in the corner to make room. I made fun of the resses "dairy dessert". My son said, it that ice cream? and I said, "I dont think you can call it that, more like wax chocolate flavor dairy dessert" and he got mad at hearing my snark, he doesnt need it. I just, ugh. I said, well next time Ill argue I should be allowed to keep alcohol on the counter (hes many years sober) if your allowed to bring all this junk food.".

we havnt spoken yet, I stopped cooking and came outside, hes prolly not even thinking about it, but im here. pissed. the easiest way for me to avoid bad food, is to not have it in the house.

I cook, I cook anything you want, I can make it. I make exceptions for everyone, theres stuff we can keep I wont touch anyway. I try to have dicipline, but fuck, it like sticking him at the bar, but for me, is the same with the fridge. But he will never ask me to make him something, I have to force him to take a meal from me always, drives me mad.

I dont want to be fat anymore, why is he not helping or taking it seriously.. never mind, fuck these national brands! omg. fuck walmart. :( I cant. im so annoyed. unethical af.

my freezer is rediculous right now and I dont like it.

Someone please help me. Im drowning.

I hate my body.

My cousins are here for my brothers birthday tomorrow and they’re all in my sisters room enjoying time together like a normal happy family. And yet again I’m alone feeling like the piece of 💩 of the family.

I wish I actually felt at home with my family like they all do. I just feel miserable all the time and like I should just end it. I’m dependent on my family for a place to stay and I feel like such an outsider. I can’t join in. I’m the joke of the family. Everything is so confusing. And my body feels like shit. I just feel like a ball of poop more than a family member. I wish I could be happy when people are here but it makes me sad because I can’t join in. They think I’m a r*tard.

All I do is doomscroll and bed rot. I don’t even feel alive. I feel like a ghost. I hate the way I look. I just want to feel like I belong in my so called family. Every day is hell.

I wish I felt like I matter.

I’m afraid to be vulnerable. Fully. And that’s messing with my whole nervous system/body. I’m in this survival response and it’s killing me because I feel I need to brace for impact all the time because if I don’t, I will be killed(in my vulnerable soft relaxed state). This is fucking with my hormones and everything. I’m scared. I either kill myself slowly this way by stressing myself out or I let my self feel all the feelings. Even if it means by the time I get to my most “healthy” relaxed state, I’ll die at the hand of another. I keep my guard up but it’s my Achilles heel. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I feel unprotected if I let my body truly rest.

Maybe I need to allow myself to be killed at the hands of another in order to reach a new level. Transcend. Be unafraid of death. But it means having to relearn everything.

My grandpa just came in my room. He already saw me this morning…

A few weeks ago he was being aggressive with me and last week I sent him £1000 which he “jokingly” said he wanted and he sent it back.

I feel violated and scared for my life. I wish I could lock the door. But there’s no lock and I need to leave to room to use the bathroom so can’t really block the door too much. I feel like I can’t relax.

I think I’ll send £500 now because I need more privacy. I feel tense.

Apparently he said my sister hasn’t been paying rent but I don’t feel so connected and if paying that means a little extra privacy then good.

I feel like they want me gone and out their house but that’s not happening anytime soon in my state. Everyday feels hellish like one big never ending nightmare.

I feel in danger.