These are a few thins you must know about me first:

1. I care a lot about the perception other people have of me. And as such I do my best to maintain it. I will even lie to protect that image of myself.

2. I am prone to theatrics. I exaggerate, I make grand gestures, I treat people in a special way just so that they keep a good disposition towards me.

3. I am not a loyal person I will throw people who supported me under the bus, those who gave me multiple chances, those who believed in me. I'll speak ill of them behind their backs, just to protect my self image in front of anyone.

4. I crave attention. I will feel anxious if there's no one around to talk to me, admire me or think I'm cool.

5. I am a disappointment. No real academic achievements. Dead end job. No career. Lots of debt I can't account for.

I hate this. I absolutely hate this. I can't believe I did this to my ex. I broke up with her, fucked around, kept those fucks around to get attention from them. And when my ex found someone else, I tried to keep her, I lied to her, I couldn't stand the thought of losing her.  

After everything she did for me...

To explain a bit further, I'll call her Jen.

I met Jen in a neighboring city and we dated for about a couple of months, then I cheated on her with my roommate, after which we broke up. Jen perceived my roommate as "hotter" and since she suffered from self image insecurities, this was really painful for her. While separated, I "dated" and fucked random people including the person I cheated on her with. Then she had an anxiety attack about her insecurities and called me over the phone, so I went to her house, talked things over and got back together. One of the people I dated (for like a couple of weeks) was my French teacher while I was a student at a language school. Then I became an ESL teacher at the same school (English as a Second Language), and offered to pay for Jen to learn German and Japanese. Things got bad between her and the French teacher. The thing is... she believed in me and forgave me for all of that. Then she moved in with me, and we were genuinely happy for about a year, after which a friend of mine (we used to date before I met Jen) got leukemia again. So I emotionally neglected Jen to look after my friend, who died a couple of months later. I was really devastated. I made some comments that made Jen believe that this friend was "the love of my life", and that I loved her more. These comments came completely out of left field. I told her during a concert that I had dedicated a very important song to my dead friend once while we were a thing.

Jen's always suffered from depression, and she got worse. Then I became emotionally distant, being dismissive, cold, even lashing out whenever she had emotional breakdowns. and I didn't see her in my life long-term anymore. We broke up. I immediately got back into dating. She moved out and was left alone, with horrible new roommates. I did help her move, twice. The second time she found a nice place.

We used to be in a friend group, until I fucked one of her friends, so me and Jen's friend were kicked out of the group and we dated for about a month. I then lost interest and we broke up. Then I flirted and fucked a coworker... who worked at the same job as me and Jen. Both her friend and the coworker were perceived by Jen as "hotter".

Then things got bad between Jen and the coworker (not because of me, but I certainly added a lot of fuel to the fire). So Jen exploded once and lashed out against the coworker, after which I said ugly things about Jen behind her back to keep my image with the coworker (she said that Jen was crazy, immature and had rage issues, I nodded along, then she insinuated Jen was manipulating me, and of course, I nodded again)

And then Jen fell in love with a new person, who didn't even like her back. And I lost my shit. Started being more attentive towards her, opening up about my feelings... and doing everything to win her back... I didn't really want her back... I just couldn't stand the thought of her loving someone else, and being compared to this person.

I went into another redemption arc, showing devotion towards Jen, even though by this point she was completely uninterested in me. Then she fucked her friend Jason, and I fucked Amanda, a person that Jason had had a date with (by coincidence, I swear, this is a small town). And Jason told Jen that he had feelings for her and that she should consider him in the future for something more serious. Again. I couldn't stand this, told her to consider me instead, but Jen told me that Jason had priority because he had earned it. Jen saw me with Amanda, I asked Amanda to lie to Jen to pretend nothing had happened between her and me, Amanda did not go with it and told Jen the whole thing.

After all this time... Jen was still willing to consider me. Until she saw the messages I had sent my coworker about her and got really really pissed. She said a lot of ugly things about me. All of which were true.

She said I am a manipulator, a liar, a selfish prick, a failure, a disappointment to everyone around me. That she can no longer trust anything I say anymore. She said some really mean comments, she even ridiculed my performance in bed. She fired with intent to kill. She said she hated me. And I completely understand why she would.

I don't know why I'm like this. I don't like being like this. I hate myself for the pain and damage I inflicted on Jen. I was thoughtless, inconsiderate, selfish, cruel, ungrateful, among many other things. I am a traitor. I thought about ending it all, I really feel like a shit person, especially after the last conversation I had with Jen. Yet I know that death's not the solution, and ending it here would just mean that my only contribution to this world is pain and suffering. I no longer have these self-harming thoughts. I want to change. I know I should talk to a professional. I will definitely show them this text.

I hate this person I've become. I hate what I've done for 6 years. I'm an adult now, in my mid twenties, I don't want to be like this anymore. I'm sure that after reading this it's hard to feel empathetic towards me, and I understand if you hate me too.

Before I really get into this, I'd like to acknowledge the genuinely cool people here. People with cool hobbies, who post photography and other cool art... People who are enthusiastic about something that even mildly interests me. You are the reason I scroll Lemmy for embarrassing amounts of time. I've learned a lot over the past three years from cool people like you. Folks like you are what makes anything about the Internet worth a damn period, and I wish we could clone you all! Another thank you to the people who have been cool to me even when I myself was being toxic. A few of you managed to be kind and offer helpful advice even when I probably didn't deserve it, without coming off as fake or condescending. It usually brought a tear to my eye and made me have a bit more hope for the future. This has happened more than a handful of times and I appreciated it each time.

Now for the shit I need to get off my chest...

Admiral Patrick is a fucking asshole for multiple, already-discussed reasons we can all agree on. He was wrong about quite a lot, but he was right about one thing: a lot of users make this platform often hard to handle (and no I'm not proposing a system to shadowban anyone). I could write up lots of detailed examples but we all know what I'm talking about. Many people are incredibly rude, condescending, hateful, and intolerant when it comes to certain topics, and they don't even feel the need to limit their hatred to people who "deserve it". Anyone who dares challenge them catches all those flavors of negativity. I've had to block so many users, communities, and instances I couldn't begin to name even 5% of them.

I would say this toxicity is not unique to the fediverse, but it goes largely unchecked here because certain users share their hatreds and bloodlusts and form cliques based on it, mods/admins included, and the thing that more often is kept in check by those individuals is pushback against the zealotry/toxicity. Nearly all of it is related to black and white thinking and snap judgements.

If you take issue with one minor point, you'll often get a hateful reply assigning you horrific viewpoints. The way I interact with the platform anyhow, it's a very unwelcoming place without lots of blocking in place, and the blocklist is always growing. I always want to see "All", so I'm not siloed into small communities with polite people who want to discuss a cool nerdy interest. If there were more users here I would probably try to make that my usage mode, but there aren't enough users to make that work for me.

What makes me consider leaving this place nearly every day is how absurdly common it is to have someone jump down your throat and cram words in your mouth. Over something they literally had no understanding of and don't want to understand. They want to take out their sadness and anger on you because you represent the "enemy", if you challenge them at all. I'm self aware enough to know that I do it too sometimes too btw.

Conservatism is the ultimate in toxicity, and frankly we don't have much of that brand here. To hear many lemmings tell it though, there's secret conservatism hidden everywhere and only they are above it. The purity testing, the hatred for people with slightly different positions (even if the goals are identical), it's painfully exhausting. The other day I saw someone baselessly called out as a Zionist (who wasn't even present in the thread at the time!) and when I stood up to the accuser on their behalf, they soon slid into the thread to insult me and say the accuser was right to be randomly accusing them, even though they are not a Zionist. That's yet another sign to me that the toxicity is deeply ingrained. "Hey I'm not [bad thing], but I will stand up for stranger's right to say it about me any time!"

This also reminds me of another weird quirk I see here. Because the user base is small enough to recognize top commenters/posters, it's common to see specific users get shit talked when they are not even present. That usually rubs me the wrong way. One user even made a very in depth audio recording talking several minutes of shit about a top poster here and you'll never guess what happened when I called that out as shitty! Banned in several communities and toxic comments galore. How dare I come on on my high horse to point out how childish and shitty that was.

All this gets very deflating. Coming from reddit, it was very refreshing to see leftists everywhere, and intolerance of views being mostly aimed at conservatism, but everyone adjusted and started infighting almost immediately. I fully expect to be called a liberal or a zionist for writing this post, because, see, some users already know everything about me that matters: I implicitly called out their zealotry and am thus the enemy. I fucking hate it. I know there are many reasonable people here but honestly? They're probably often afraid to say anything because they'd rather not get an inbox full of shitty messages. All of this goes back to black and white thinking. And the oligarchs have gotten exactly what they want. Instead of banding together we're slinging shit at each other constantly. Fuck that. People are capable of being better than this but every day I'm learning they just refuse to be.

Conservatives have the toxic views, but so many leftists would rather see you dead than disagree with them on anything. What the fuck is wrong with them? I get being frustrated, WE ALL ARE. But you are NOT HELPING with this shit. Cut it the fuck out.

I got a little sidetracked though because a lot of these issues come up when politics are discussed, but it's not only politics. The fediverse-specific type of toxicity is mostly political in nature but then you also get all the normal asshole behavior you see on reddit and elsewhere. People who care far more about stating something in the exact way they understand it and become offended if you even try to add clarity to what they said for other users. Pedantry, snide dismissiveness, bigotry, most anything you hate about reddit is here too. Some other things that are sort of unique here, IME anyhow: weird/awkward horny posts. I do not want to have to block the same users account 5 times and be told I'm a prudish asshole if I say so. I simply want to use my phone in public without weird shit I don't want to see, ever, popup in a feed. I have probably blocked 50 communities for NSFW stuff I'm rarely if ever interested in, dozens of furry and hentai communities, some portraying sexualized children, etc. Is my having to block these things the issue, partially yes, but I'm only bringing it up here because of the fediverse mantra of "dude just block it okay?! No one cares about your little hangups!" I get it, it doesn't bother you to need to block 37 communities of dragon cocks and twelve year olds bending over or whatever, but if anyone complains about those, can we not chill the fuck out and let them vent for a second? Many if not most people don't want to see that shit.

The last thing about this place that's been getting my goat lately is hatred against large groups of people. Ya know what, you will never convince me or any truly decent person that it's okay to blanket-hate Americans because of what their leadership is doing. I don't want this to become as big of part of this post than necessary, but I just had to say it. A lot of Americans are shitty people, yes. As an American I'm insanely aware of it. I'm embarrassed, I'm sad about it, and there's a feeling of hopelessness I wouldn't wish on anyone that comes from watching this country's citizens reveal publicly so many awful things about themselves. More than I understood to be possible. Guess what though, saying job losses in America is hilarious still makes you a shitty person. I'm not sure what the best way to describe it is but I call it bigotry myself. What you're doing is literally saying "those people are terrible because of where they were born; they're all the same there". You can pretend that all Americans are to blame for trump or whatever you wanna say but that's just not factual. Sure, American society is if you zoom all the way out. We Americans let it get that way here over the years, but it's idiotic to suggest people who became homeless in America "deserve it" because of something you oversimplified. Even if 90% of them did, you're still a hateful asshole. And yes you're the same level of shitty if you laugh about terrible things happening to random Russians (not soldiers, politicians, etc). Those people may not support one fucking thing being forced on them by that dictatorship, and further, even if they did, it should not be so hard to understand that such a high degree of propaganda can convince people of lies.

Anyhow, that's my rant. I keep saying I'm going to quit Lemmy but so far the cool people mentioned above and the dopamine hits keep me coming back. I probably won't last forever though. The toxicity level seems to keep rising even after I block more and more toxic users. It sucks. That's all

Giving consumers a choice to recycle to better the environment doesn't work and is dumb. Evidently, if I want to stop plastic pollution, I need to carefully sort my plastics, but only certain types with my garbage service. This ends up being about half of my purchases. The other half of plastics just go into my garbage bin for landfill. Nevermind the plastic number on each item.

Same with batteries! Everybody is just tossing them. I'm suppose to put tape in the ends and put them in a zip lock. People are not going to do this.

We need laws for the source of the issue instead of these fake fixes that rely on the consumer to "do good" that didn't work.

So, I recently discovered I 100% am on the aroace spectrum. I've always been more open to romance, open to trying sexual things, and the like. However, I've had many people not believe I'm aromantic. They'll either tell me I'm just neurodivergent, or one day I'll meet the right person.

My family expects me to be with a guy due to me being a closeted transmasc person who they see as a girl. The guy they want me to be with, ideally, is conservative, too. I can form alterous attraction to any gender, even though it's usually women I find more appealing, so if I had to pick a guy, he wouldn't be homophobic or bigoted, he wouldn't be a predator, and he wouldn't be a mean/bad guy.

Anyway, I don't know why, but I'm kinda expected to just "meet the right one", even though I know they're old-fashioned.

Why is it so hard to believe that some people just can't feel standard attraction? The attraction I do feel is 100% towards fictional characters without a doubt because I'm something called fictoromantic.

Not in a patriarchal way of wanting more rights, but wanting to be them. When I see men who dress and act like old-timey gentlemen or see feminine men, I want to be like them.

When I picture my ideal self, I picture a taller, more scrawny-looking guy who's into alternative fashion.

Like if you're trying to get healthier good for you, but stop making it everyone else's problem 💀

Specially because they become moody and don't like seeing you eat. What do you want me to do? To get on a diet too so you don't get cravings?

What infuriates me the most is this could be completely avoided if they did the diet correctly instead of just starving themselves. If you want to lose weight in a healthy way you need to lower the calories you're consuming, you don't need to eat less. You can actually eat more and lose weight by just reducing the calories in each meal.

But of course not, they prefer to skip meals and then the next time they eat something they consume too much so skipping the meal was for nothing.

This is an unsent message to the mother of my ex who cheated on me. The mother doesn't know about the cheating, but she's accepted that we're not getting back together. To her, things just ended abruptly from the daughter's side without a good reason. However, she still messages me every now and then, to check up on me. And honestly I am tired of saying that I am doing better or ok. It hasn't been even a month since the break up. And it has been hard given that I am in a foreign country, My family, my close social circle are not here, I am not a very social person. And I can't keep asking the friends here to come and meetup so often. I haven't responded to the mother for a few days now. And she asked me if I am mad at her? I don't know how to respond, so here's a rant.

I am not mad at you. Please don't think that. It's just exhausting to write every time that I am doing good, when in reality I am not. How do you expect me to move on from this so easily? I wanted to do so much for your daughter. This is the person I loved, I planned to marry. She let me know that she had feelings for me too. She made me feel safe. We were living together. And look, how abruptly things shattered. How quickly she went from the person who loved me to the person who indifferently told me that she only lived with me because she couldn't afford to live anywhere else. She just left me here, alone in this apartment. She broke my trust. With how quickly she broke up, it shows she had no intention of repairing the relationship. As soon as things go bad she leaves. She thinks everyone is her enemy, even her loved ones, including you. You've tried for years to make her not think this way. but she still doesn't trust you. But you will always be there for her, I really wish you do. She needs help. But I have no one here. I am alone. I know you're trying to help me as well, and I am very thankful for it, but you remind me of her, you remind me of the connection that I have lost.

Somebody made a post a few months ago about covering their windows with aluminum in order to keep the heat out. I commented on their post, saying that I already had been doing that for a few months and that it had been quite effective. I also added that I was expecting the police to come knocking on my door any second now, because it looks absolutely psychotic from the outside: It either looks like I'm doing human trafficking or like I'm growing weed.

I was watching Breaking Bad a few hours ago, eating dinner, trying to relax after work, when suddenly my doorbell rings. Nobody rings my doorbell?! I have a T-shirt on, otherwise I'm completely naked. I look through the peeping hole and I see three police officers, standing in quite the strategic formation. I call out to them, saying that I will just be a minute. I put on some pants and gently open the door. My heart was racing.

Apparently some neighbor had called 911 because they "got worried by seeing how the windows are covered". I explained that I am really weak against heat and I invited the police to come inside if they felt the need to check the apartment for whatever reason. I invited them twice and twice they declined. I asked whether light was reflecting harshly on any of my neighbors or the likes and that, if that is indeed the case, I can take the shit down no prob. They said "no", thanked me for opening the door and went away.

I took the shit down. Summer's gone anyway. And while doing so, I saw and heard them in the street below, informing some civilian with a dog about our conversation. I acted like I wasn't interested in the scene and kept removing the insulation from the windows.

I am absolutely thrown off balance here.

za

Just as I left my workplace and turned around the first corner, enjoying the cozy protection of my umbrella in the downpour of the ages, begrudging only the unending noise of the automobiles passing by, I see a pile of papers, books and notebooks scattered about violently under the eves of my workplace. Notice them in the corner of my eye is what I did, not stopping for such trivialities. After all, I was about to have a cup of coffee at my favorite café, listen to Diana Panton and read Marxist theories. Then, faster than I could say workers of the world, unite, it struck me that the books must belong to a child attending one of the schools in the vicinity. I stop, turn around and walk up to the painfully ill-handled books. I see a firstname, in quite poor handwriting, scribbled on the front page of several notebooks: Incognito 4C. As if taken directly from any number of anime series, a flashback washes over me and I see myself being harassed, bullied, violated. Hating the world, hating myself. I snap out of it. I feel a burning sensation in my stomach. I feel the blood rush to my head. I make fists with both my hands. I go to the nearest school, just a few hundred meters walk from my workplace. I tell about the books, the firstname of their owner and their class. This is a junior highschool. There is no "4C" here. Try XYZ. I thank them, leave the school and call social services to report the matter. They thank me for the report, I thank them for receiving it and walk to my favorite coffee shop. Marx and his theories will have to wait. There is too much to feel there. After finishing writing this, I'll read up on pointers and arrays in the programming language C instead. There is not as much to feel there.

int triggersOfTrauma;  
bool newExperience;  
if (newExperience == true) {  
	triggersOfTrauma++;  
}  

Ugh and many people have made memes and such of this but its so annoying. If your policy says its to old then just have that in the message. Implying its the wrong one just pisses people off. You have a password manager and you know its the right one but you do the forgot password link and then when you put your password manager one in the truth comes out as it says you can't use your current password. I swear non of the actual IT people from my heydey would ever do this. I feel like its the cs/mba types that bring all this bs.

I have read major newspaper in english speaking the world.

The Guardian, The Economist, The Washington Post, The New York Times, The Globe and Mail, The Financial Times...

By and large, the worst is the Wall Street Journal. It's owned by the same family who owns Fox News and The New York Post. A lot of the content is absolute trash.

Leftists keep attacking the New York Times for attacking Israel or being pro-corporations. That's actually the proof they have no idea what they are talking about. I regularly find opinion articles urging sanctions on Israel or stronger laborl laws. I have never seen any of this in the Wall Street Journal.

In my experience, the WSJ is A LOT more pro-israel and a lot more pro-corporations than the NYT. It's not even close.

I mean look at this trash:

What is the origin of the false belief — constantly repeated — that almost all scientists agree about global warming?

There is actually no scientific consensus on global warming

https://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052702303480304579578462813553136

There's no compelling scientific argument for drastic action to 'decarbonize' the world's economy.

https://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052970204301404577171531838421366

Climate Science is not settled

https://www.wsj.com/articles/climate-science-is-not-settled-1411143565

Global warming doesn't matter. Contrary to the latest news, the evidence that global warming will have serious effects is thin.

https://www.wsj.com/articles/SB119258265537661384

President Obama wrote “As a Nation, we must act before it is too late.”

Obama is wrong. There is no reason to act.

https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-climate-change-religion-1429832149

It's the worst major newspaper in the english speaking world.

It's the premium version of the New York Post.

To be or not to be
T568B

My fingers are burning
My patience is gone
Is this the price of learning
Network engineering on my own?

Had I instead chosen T568A
Would it have been a child's play?
Nay, ended up with a crossover cable, I would have
Becoming crazy, becoming mad
Suitable for patching similar devices
Unfit for my goals, unrewarding of my sacrifices

Okay I'm done. Fuck this I'm gonna munch a bunch now.🍔🍟🍕🌭🥪🌮🌯🍿🍪

Americans who say socialism is good are fucking idiots.

In socialist countries, here is what actually happens

• A small group of powerful people control most of the economy

• People struggle to make a living due to high living costs and low wages

• Most folks can't afford medical care

There are a lot of things I have always disliked about the United States.

The gun violence. The religiosity. Their naive belief that complex problems can be solved easily. The fucked up healthcare system. But I'm not of those people who blindly hate americans. There are some things about their culture that I liked.

They have great universities like Stanford, Yale, MIT, Carnegie Mellon

They have very talented producers and writers. They produce great shows like Breaking Bad, Prison Break, Better Call Saul, The Wire

They are a multicultural society with religious freedom

They have the world's most beautiful national parks

But honestly, I'm truly scared of what this country is becoming.

The country is openly threatening Canada, putting 50% tariffs on a country that has never done anything bad to them.

Trump pardoned 1500 people who attacked the United States Capitol. He called them great patriots

The government says climate change is a myth and there is no reason to worry about it

ICE is beating people on the street. WTF??? Most of these people are restaurant workers, construction workers. Just because they are here illegaly doesn't mean you should beat them up

They talk about invading Greenland whether people like it or not

They just bombed Iran. The US Military has been bombing Iran for months and months with no end in sight

And yet, nearly half of the American public gleefully laps it up, with states like Wyoming, Alabama or Idaho practically worshipping the ground he walks on. 40% of people would probably support him if he bombed London tomorrow morning

China is a dictatorship, but the CCP actually looks reasonable

I'm genuinely scared

This time for calling out Nazis that adopt Norse mythology and culture. No hate, no threats, just the reasoning that if they believe in genetic racial supremacy, they must bow down to my guaranteed superior Scandinavian genetic purity and heed my words that racism is for the weak to steal valor by the least common denominator.

This time not even a ban from a mod of some random sub but sitewide from an administrator.

I'm not even mad. I got under their skin. It's worth it every time.

Edit: I'm not claiming to be racially superior but I'm demanding those that do to be consequent or admit it's bullshit

I'm at this wonderful, quiet, ambient coffee shop. Never been here before. Just ordered some mushroom stew. Can't wait.

AND THIS GUY IS CLEARING HIS THROAT EVERY 30 SECONDS I SWEAR TO GOD. They've been doing it for five minutes straight. I'm going to lose it. 😭

I'm going to put in my earbuds as soon as I've finishes typing this, but that kind of ruins the whole experience. 😭 I'll try some white noise...

Vent over.

I used to talk to random people online. About a year ago, everything was so active. Discord servers filled with people, friends active on Discord, so many random people. Nowadays? Nobody. What's going on? I'm going to college after this summer, sure, and my IRL friends are busy, I get that. But the Discord servers, even games, bro, nobody's talking in games anymore. L4D2? I used to talk with so many random people in VC on it. Now? Nothing. So I thought to myself, sure, maybe I have no life and I should go outside. I went outside quite a lot, rode my bike daily, nothing, dude. I genuinely don't know what's up, lmao. What is everyone doing this summer? Why did everything die this year exactly? I'm genuinely confused. I mean, sure, I could go to parties and meet lots of people, but I just don't like them, there's nothing good about them if you're not drunk.

I moved away from my hometown nearly 8 years ago. I was really close to a lot of people before that (I've known some of them since preschool), but I moved, and grew further apart from them naturally as time went on. This is mainly because they all hung out together in person, and while I attempted to stay in touch with them over the years, I never really found success in doing so.

I did like to lurk on their discord server occasionally, mostly so I could see what some of them were getting up to. I would occasionally react to their messages in their discord server, but that was pretty much it for the last 3 or 4 years. It made me feel a bit of nostalgia and made me happy to see the people they were growing up to be. I don't have social media other than here and discord (and I've frankly been on discord less and less), so it does kind of feel like a bummer that I won't be able to see their messages anymore.

I don't really feel any anger over it since we had grown apart, but I do feel some type of sadness that I can't quite identify. It's probably because in the 8 years that my now wife and I have lived where we do now, we have struggled to meet new friends. I legitimately have no in person friends other than my wife, which is not a healthy place to be. So, I suppose this feels like officially losing almost all of my in person friends, past or present.

There's still a couple that I occasionally chat with on Signal, and ironically I'm in my hometown visiting family right now and will see one of them in a few days. I might ask them about it, but again, I'm not expected to be re-added and I honestly probably shouldn't be. Maybe it'll push me to want to put the effort in to meet some new friends.

For now, though, I'm just oddly sad. It definitely doesn't help that I'm here visiting when I was removed, I guess.

Edit (update): friend I visited today said that they sometimes clean house and added me back.

tl;dr: she [F27] cheated on me [M30] with a one night stand, I forgave her, but I guess she wanted to leave the relationship any ways and just be alone. I didn't try as much to stop her this time, I could see that she doesn't love me in the same way anymore. I just wanted to vent.

I am not saying that I am the best person out there. I've made mistakes. But I always tried to support in any way I could, and in the things that I couldn't, I kept trying to improve.

We had a good run, of about 1.5-2 years (keeping it vague). We had fights, we had good moments, little precious moments as well. But we both struggled in the early days of our relationship and even before. In the early days We mostly spend our time in my shared apartment, where I had a single room. It was big enough that we could spend our time there. But as I got a better job, we decided to move in together.

We found a place, we told each other parent's about us, both sides were supportive, things were going great, we were planning about our life together and even talked about marriage.

But I think I was blind. She struggled with keeping her job and studies. She has ADHD and depression, she also says that she has autism, but I hasn't been diagnosed. I struggle with understanding her views sometimes, but I try to improve. Sometimes I cannot tell in the moments when she's harsh whether I should take it as if she really means it or should I assume it's her attempt to escape the conversation.

It was a few weeks ago that we had another fight. She doesn't want to stay at a job where some of her co-workers are far-right in their behavior. Although in some conversations, I did agree that we can look for other jobs, and we tried to find other jobs. One day, as I was getting late for work, the fight started again on the same topic, and I said to her in a very indifferent manner that she should "just go to work". I think that was the moment when something shattered.

She left that day, for the whole day and night. I tried calling and messaging her, but she didn't respond. Even her family contacted me to know where she is. We all were worried. The next day she messages me that she did weed (she avoided it for years). I remained calm and just asked her to come home and we can talk, but she said that she doesn't want to remain in this relationship. I wasn't ready for this message, I was shocked. I asked her to at least talk with

The next day we met, and she told me that had cheated on me as well during that night from before (with a person that she's been engaging with at a therapeutic clinic that she signed up for as a patient). I knew about the clinic as well as this friend of hers, but I never suspected this. I trusted her.

I simply asked whether she loved me, I am ready to believe that this was a mistake. We can talk about this, we can try to build the relationship again. She said that she feels guilty and that she couldn't continue. But I insisted, thinking that if she does love me, and that there is still intention on fixing this, then we can work on this, despite the mistakes. Admittedly, I haven't been as supportive too, I want to be better as well for her, to be able to understand her, to be there for her when she wants someone to talk to. She said that she loves me, and we continued the relationship. I haven't told anyone about the cheating.

Things were fine during these days. She went to visit her cousin, who as about to leave in a week's time. However, just recently, she came home and said that she's found a different apartment, and that she doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore. I didn't know what to say. I was already pretty feeling pretty homesick and was feeling down most of the day. But I think I knew that there's nothing to save in this relationship anymore. She doesn't love me. No point in asking her to stay. But I still asked her to talk, it didn't go anywhere. She left now, I'm here alone.