I’m afraid to be vulnerable. Fully. And that’s messing with my whole nervous system/body. I’m in this survival response and it’s killing me because I feel I need to brace for impact all the time because if I don’t, I will be killed(in my vulnerable soft relaxed state). This is fucking with my hormones and everything. I’m scared. I either kill myself slowly this way by stressing myself out or I let my self feel all the feelings. Even if it means by the time I get to my most “healthy” relaxed state, I’ll die at the hand of another. I keep my guard up but it’s my Achilles heel. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I feel unprotected if I let my body truly rest.

Maybe I need to allow myself to be killed at the hands of another in order to reach a new level. Transcend. Be unafraid of death. But it means having to relearn everything.