Mama always said "cops are like a box of chocolates...... they'll kill your dog"

A carefully crafted shit take ... up voted!

Aw shit..... My dude....he didn't stutter.....there are no good billionaires

"What a great day for capitalism!"- Maurcus

Best with a mean nickname...."vangoghismyboyfriend is a herbi-whore"

I just sent this to my mother-in-law AND father-in-law

I absolutely love the game. I'm going to watch this movie with very low expectations and I think I'll be happy.

Same

I wish he was still-born

If we can have a hill thing called a "butte" then we can have a hill thing called a "Boobe"

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. That's why I wank On company time

"Grandma just watched Nightmare Before Christmas and she just loooved it!!!"

You'll punch someone in the face if you have to poop? Sounds like an irritable bowel disorder

I don't think turkeys are supposed to eat grapes.

39 yrs here. I got my kid a gaming laptop for Christmas, but then I bought all the old Halo games for it for myself. I just got an Xbox controller for it this weekend and it has been a wonderful experience.

He should just beat the screwdriver with his face.

I have a long beard. I would not be able to have a beard without using dandruff shampoo on it at least 3 times a week. I make sure to use beard oil right after to maintain moisture though.

They had me at "Adam Driver with that haircut"

Break on through to the otter slide, break, break....

Wow, I like that better...I feel that's what the person really means most of the time