The Xbox 360 will be old enough to drink in a couple months.

You'd make more money with a christmussy story

That's exactly what it is!

You're a mosquito that gets into a house and you have to suck as much blood as you can from the family as you can without getting squished.

You fly around, waiting for the right moment to land and start sucking blood, being careful not to be seen. Each level has a certain amount of blood to collect before you can move on, and the family gets increasingly more vigilant about killing you as they talk to each other about getting bit.

Mister Mosquito

My "parking assist" feature got immediately turned off when it slammed on the brakes because I backed into a parking spot and it saw the concrete parking block 6ft behind me...

I got out of the car thinking an animal had ran under a tire where I couldn't see it, then figured out it was just the car being "helpful".

I recently started playing Pokemon Unbound; my starter just evolved for the first time, and I'm having a blast. I nearly choked laughing when I finally understood what was going on in the first gym, can't believe I didn't get it immediately.

I think cats have it better; dogs are expected to do a bit of work, even if it's just companionship.

I know multiple people who refer to their cats as "asshole" but still provide everything for it.

metric and normal

ಠ_ಠ

Glitch, make another reference so they know they're among friends.

WARNING: INCOMING GAME

I learned how to fix and build things with my dad. Now I have a list of projects to do around the house because I'll be damned if I'm going to pay someone $1000 to install $300 of flooring...

You can tag users on Boost.

Don't worry, they'll lease you the hardware for a small monthly subscription fee.

(terms and conditions apply, we own everything created with our equipment and you agreed to the terms saying you can't sue us.)

Hoo boy, Benadryl...

Riding the line of itchy/sleepy <-> shadow people climbing out of my toenails is "fun"...

Ah, yes. Classic case of "90's doom scrolling."

You're thinking of a violin. A villain is the person you buy chocolate and flowers for on February 14th.

But wait, there's more!

There's about 4 different routes I can take to get to work with roughly a 2 minute travel time difference between them.

Every route has road construction on it right now, with my usual route being completely closed.

I've said multiple times if they put all the crews together on one project, it would probably be done, then they just all move to the next one. Instead, they make 100 teams of 3 guys and have them work on 250 projects at the same time.

...or maybe there's an SCP that looks like an arrow board and a bunch of cones just slowly migrating around the city.

Lady friend and I are going at it, she's on the edge of the bed and I'm standing up. Had just finished warming her up with oral and getting to the main event. I began to slide backwards because bare feet & carpet don't offer the best traction. She can feel me slipping and sits up to try and grab me at the same time I try to jump forward and we headbutt each other.

I collapsed on the floor, her back on the bed, both of us laughing and cussing. She starts to slide off the bed to join me on the floor, sticking her foot directly into my open mouth.

She happened to be extremely ticklish, and a surprise tongue between your toes was apparently too much stimulation for her. She screams, collapses on the floor while trying not to kick me in the face, and has what she later called "the most hilarious and embarrassing orgasm ever."

I had switched into "protector mode" as she was falling, trying to catch her, keep from getting kicked in the face, and trying to protect my nuts from a falling body all at once, so it took me a second to figure out what was happening, but then I just started laughing all over again.

...at least one of us finished!

Becoming less "movie" and more "documentary" daily

Didn't ask it to do much...just open Teams.

You asked Cancer to give you Herpes...