There is no such thing as negative numbers. "How do you take 5 apples from 3 when there are only 3 apples?" This was in elementary school in Wisconsin. The temperature regularly goes below zero. Pointing this out got me time in the corner. I'm still kinda salty about that.

Uncut Gems

A stressful two hours of screaming and bad decisions

We found a dead baby bird. Was told most animal babies don't live to adulthood. Knew people were animals so it was likely me and most of my friends would be dead by 21

So is she

Don't worry, the sleepiness will come back strong as soon as the sun starts to rise

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the sausage

Missing some words there. It's "I'm glad I'm a man and so is Lola." That line is ambiguous - Lola might be a man or just be glad the singer is a man. Given the rest of the lyrics I think you'd have to say both are likely true.

Perhaps a nice egg would help

Yup! And you can get where you'll step right over the garbage that needs taking out as you go outside and not even notice.

Pushing Daisies. If you like death mixed with comic book sweetness

Whenever I close something that locks, I touch the key that unlocks it first. This has saved me many times from locking myself out of the house and locking my keys in the car or trunk

Make your bed every day.

An order I received from a friend helping me out of a dark place. Asked why and was told to just do it.

I lived in Oklahoma for 3 years and it took me ages to find a group of friends who understood sarcasm. I mean, even the drag queen server at my regular bar seemed baffled by sarcasm.

... there's no need to prepare your keys to gouge my eyes out.

When I see women do this around me, I feel a little glad for them that they don't need to do this and a little sad they don't (and really can't) know that they don't need to do this.

I understand feeling hurt that someone might be afraid of me, but that gets erased when I exercise a little empathy for that person who is afraid.

Sioux City birch beer is bright pink and tastes super weird but so good! At least it did thirty years ago iirc

I think it was mostly the very religious people who had trouble and there are a LOT of very religious people in Oklahoma.

Oh yeah. That reminds me a while ago there was some car ad, a car is driving in some beautiful remote mountainous area and the music playing is Major Tom.

I'm still laughing. Gonna die far away and alone in that tin can.

I get that but you are not convincing me that this is good

Bleach AND ammonia

As a northerner who lived in Tulsa for four years, I'd say Oklahoma was "Acts nice, are crazy"