being out as non-binary and transfem for a while now but never had the courage to fully be myself until going through an intense psychological period and losing 190 lbs. now, i want to be my pretty boy goth fem self! and i feel fulfilled being such.

this whole thing was a fiasco with no clear direction to go in and very little benefit presented. the fact it failed is not a surprise to me.

now that the US and Ukraine have begun to release their files gathered on UAPs, Japan is about to provide their own as well. how many other countries are going to come forward and disclose what they know? is this the beginning of disclosure, and has this been the plan for some time? i know there are many thoughts about what is going on; there's aliens, there's physics breaking Earth technology by nefarious government agencies, beings from our own atmosphere are making themselves known or we are detecting them, ocean beings are sending drones and probes up here to figure out why the hell the climate is changing, and this is all a ruse by the world governments to collude on a plan of global control (or some other variety of government led fuckery).

what bothers me the most about all of this is that it truly doesn't matter because something is going on and part of it is being convinced that something is going on. i am very nervous at the thought of this leading literally anywhere because i strongly believe it will result in societal change once the most significant pieces are given to the public.

there are people in high positions of power who want the public to know something. why? what is the benefit of letting us know the truth or getting us to believe we know the truth? i am suspicious of every single thing being released because the footage lately has been almost too compelling, and the news is we aren't even near the amount of detail yet to be seen. there are files with rather stunning quality, supposedly. we are supposed to be getting some intense material soon. in the age of genAI, our governments absolutely have capabilities years ahead of what the public is aware of. this concerns me.

if aliens are here, concerning. if they're beings from our planet we know nothing about at all, concerning. if it's a government nobody can goddamn identify, concerning. if it's just some fucking guy, concerning. if this is all a coordinate lie by multiple agencies and world entities, concerning.

i don't know how any of this can end without something being changed forever, honestly. what are your thoughts?

bizarre, that's all i got. very strange and i can't think of why or how it is moving that way.

blowing up the largest oil field in the world would be absolutely mental and therefore this is just a bluff, right? there's no way he would actually bomb South Pars off the map because it would immediately cause permanently geopolitical shifts + Iran bombing Israel and then.. lol

let me start by saying i recently learned of my autism late in life, so i've had no awareness of some of my behaviors as autistic until recently.

it's often said that people with autism have a strong personal sense of right and wrong. neurotypicals may label it as stubborn but i see it as principled. obviously, nts can have an equal sense of right and wrong, but it does appear to be uniquely within autism that it can present as a detriment. for example, i will often sabotage myself if it means i'll be forced to do something i find reprehensible or objectionable, like i'd rather risk homelessness than take a job in health insurance if i was unemployed.

how has this affected you throughout your life?

for me it has been both a benefit and a massive hindrance. over time i have learned ways to recontextualize certain situations and circumstances, but there are areas i am simply unwilling to compromise on.

i am a 36 year old gay non-binary transfem who only last year learned they are autistic and living with OCD. i have had ADHD since childhood and knew i was depressed and anxious since i was a kid. for my entire life, i have been subconsciously masking my behaviors and learning how to blend in that it became a default position unknown to me that i was engaging in. when the truth was discovered it was like a floodgate had opened up and all of my neurodivergent behaviors made themselves front and center.

i have always had impulse issues and paranoid future-predicting thinking. my childhood was completely unstable and i had to grow the hell up quickly due to the abuse and emotional neglect. i fought to get ahead, i lied to protect myself and my mother, and i had to make my own hard decisions without compromise. let's say over time all of that became disordered and amplified by my autism, ADHD, and OCD.

well, to spare turning this into a therapy session, let's say i haven't done great for myself. i am, somehow, able to function (as in remain alive), barring that i am completely lost. lately, shit has been becoming more and more unbearable for me. as ICE nazis kidnap people off the streets and kill those who resist, as our country continues to set up transgender people as a boogeyman and erodes bodily autonomy and welcomes theocratic control, i find my country becoming more and more unsafe for me.

my mental health has been crumbling since 2024. the gaslighting from general society (go to work; everything will work out etc etc), the hopelessness on display (people pleading for someone to do something), the constant threat of escalating conflict.. it came to a head last year and it influenced me to do something fucking illegal and i was arrested for it.

i'm dealing with legal issues for the first time in my life because my safety is at risk from the government i live under, and it has driven me absolutely fucking mental. i did what, at the time, made sense to my paranoid and impulsive brain. i was so focused on making sure i had what i needed that nothing else mattered. because what if i am caught off guard and unprepared? what if i must leave my house in a moment's notice? i don't want to need money and resources during an escape. i want it all taken care of as much as it can be.

my actions led to a traumatic growth period which ultimately altered my perspective on myself and my neurodivergence, but it terrifies me that it took something drastic to guide me on a more productive path. i have dealt with some stressful shit in my life and legal issues have never visited me.

luckily, my attorney is confident in a good outcome for me, so i am not too worried there, but my concern is ultimately with myself and my own processing. i have learned a lot over the last year that is helping me understand myself more, but i am still finding myself overwhelmed and mentally exhausted.

if anyone can relate, can you share your coping strategies? what do you do to try and ground yourself or remain mindful? i have no control, everything is merely happening to me and i am largely powerless. that is the worst feeling in all of this.. feeling as though i have no choice but to allow this to happen to me, to us.

there is no current word on their condition as the situation is evolving, but i am expecting both to be dead and hope to be wrong. either way, ICE nazis are committed to upholding fascism at the expense of human lives. we are more unsafe now than we’ve been before in this administration. ICE does not view any of us as exceptions. we will be slaughtered if Der Führer demands it.

this is something that really bothers me. i'm wondering if others have the same annoyance:

whenever i hear about people who supposedly died and came back and reported seeing and experiencing an afterlife, all i can think about is how death is irreversible. quite literally nobody has ever died and then resurrected. reanimation hasn't been observed a single time throughout all of human history. what happened instead is they were actively dying and their brain was reacting to shutting down. "of course," you say reading this. but so many people accept the premise that this is remotely possible by not rejecting it immediately and that is the most frustrating part about all of this.

it confirms and demonstrates to me that humans are resistant to being fundamentally challenged even in the face of absolute certainty. most things in the universe are not absolutely known, but death is the rare, and perhaps only, exception. death is permanent in its natural occurrence. there is no 99.9% of the time, there aren't any other ways to be dead (literal death), every single living thing will die. period. ...unless humans figure something out.

so yeah it bugs me when people even entertain the idea that there's something worth discussing or listening to regarding claims of "coming back from death." like there are skeptics and people who are willing to listen to these assertions. ...why? there is, literally, no chance they are describing an existence after death. death can't be reversed. when a person appears clinically dead and then regains consciousness, guess what, they weren't dead regardless of medical technology saying they were lol. we just aren't able to detect the smallest indications of life.

/rant

people have figured out that the redacted documents released were not done with any redaction tool but merely highlighted boxes. many people are now combing through everything to see what can actually be viewed after all.

hello Lemmy. a brief About Me as it relates to this post: my mother has been a professional memory care aide for roughly 30-something years and has passed down her knowledge and experience to me. however, i myself trained as a caregiving aide and completed my clinicals and became certified. i never worked in a community because clinics taught me i was too emotional, too caring, too individual-focused (as terrible as that is). i did eventually work in the memory care field as a business office manager for 2.5 years where i was trained further and regularly interacted with seniors on a daily basis, especially those who wandered up by the front and therefore my office.

with that in mind i want to talk about my partner's mother. "Pat" has always been a scatterbrained talker. she is known to hammer in details unnecessarily, ramble about specifics, and describe events at length with boring detail, all while forgetting parts here and there and repeating herself to us later; having to stop her from regaling us with the same tale. it's been that way the entire 13 years i've known her and my partner says she's been that way since birth.

lately, within the last two months, Pat has had moments where she could not recall specific recent events or discussions of emotional importance one would normally be able to access. because of the nature of these lapses, two in particular, i am strongly suspicious of some cognitive impairment that isn't age related impacting her. both her mother and father developed dementia.

here are the two recent moments. i would like your input after i ask some questions:

- Event 1

• Pat is a meticulous date keeper. She writes all of her important dates down in a paper calendar. On occasion she will forget, but i am establishing this as a behavior to cement the reality of her nature; Pat keeps track in case she can't remember.

• Pat informed my partner and I that she had changed a doctor's appointment from a future date to a more recent date coming this weekend. This was not a mere off-handed comment or empty thought. She told us her usual way, at length, with extra detail, and repeated the important parts almost like a summary. About an hour or two goes by and she calls my partner to ask him what was so important from earlier that she was talking about, she couldn't remember. My partner let her fumble without guessing before interjecting it was "an appointment" she moved closer. She asked him what kind of an appointment. That is a massive red flag to me because she didn't even attempt to figure it out herself. She would usually throw out a few guesses, indicating she was attempting to retrieve information she knows is there, but this felt empty as if only the feeling of something having importance was all she could sense.

- Event 2

• I had a recent felony arrest pertaining to my severe psychological disorders that have been, thankfully, improving. I am making significant strides and have kept Pat afloat this entire time. We even talked about the eventually initial hearing at court I would have to attend and how this kind of arrest and conviction could impact my future. I had my initial appearance the other day and informed Pat like I had been doing. When I mentioned "felony" she looked shocked and her eyes widened and she repeated it to me as a question, "a felony?" I was dumbfounded but knew of her spaced out thinking and lifelong memory issues, so I gently reminded her. Then she denied knowing it was a felony charge and stated that nobody told her. This is yet another massive red flag for me as it demonstrates confabulation. She insisted on not knowing and didn't cease her surprised nature as I continued the conversation.

There are other moments that I cannot recall in this much detail that have caused me to raise an eyebrow the last two months. I have lived with her directly or been around her for over 10 years. Nothing has made me concerned until now, and I have been well aware of her family history with dementia, so I have been primed to see things where they don't exist. I am concerned that is not happening and I am actually potentially seeing early warning signs.

I am not asking for a diagnosis or even a likelihood of dementia or Alzheimer's. I am asking if I am on to something that should be investigated by a doctor further. I know it "doesn't hurt to check," but there are several circumstances why I can't casually bring this up to my partner or his mother. I need to have a good reason (subjective, i know). A slight hunch that we should take care of just to be safe isn't going to cut it. I'll be clearer: if this were your mother would you be pursuing memory testing?

I have to figure out how to have a conversation with my partner about this if so, because he is not mentally prepared. This has been a lifelong fear he has had, and I worry it may be coming true. Luckily, Pat has prepared for this through legal paperwork (will, POAs) and living arrangements already made, including burial. Pat knew this was always a possible outcome.

My partner is off the weekend and Monday. Depending on responses and my own intuition I may tell him that I am merely concerned (not certain of or suspicious of anything) Monday, that way he has the structure of the rest of the week to hopefully help with distracting negative disordered thoughts.

WHEW lol thanks for reading, really. this is difficult.. i feel burdened with information that may impact our lives but i don't want to suggest testing or intervention unless others do agree those two events are red flags. Again, to reiterate, not asking for diagnosis.. just to know if i'm looking at green or red.

he will retrieve several of his toys. he doesn’t have a favorite but he prefers some to others. he initiates it usually but you can throw something to gauge his interest.

caught mid chomp, little gremlin. almost every plant is toxic to cats yet he craves the death greens.

it’s easy to make sense of and i’m sure you’ve seen it: the fitness guru encouraging avoidance of GLP-1s or the lifestyle coach warning people of unproven side effects and risks. schemers selling diet fads and trend chasers who stand to lose a lot of money. all of that makes sense. it’s pathetic but understandable.

what doesn’t make sense is the anger from random people who view using a GLP-1 as some form of cheating because it takes away obesity as a permanent struggle of willpower. these folks are mad that fat people aren’t the useless and lazy pieces of shit they have been made to feel like. now they have to think of us as legitimately ill and that is earth shattering to them.

who to hate now? who to feel superior to now? no, no.. something has to be wrong with these drugs!

…but there isn’t lol. there are no long term health risks that are worse than morbid obesity. these naysayers don’t know the long history of research and testing GLP-1s have went through. diabetics have been on similar classes for decades.

it’s so absurd to hate somebody else for their size and now we have definitive confirmation obesity is a disease and can be treated with medication. these people are truly assholes, just remember that!

don’t let them shame you or make you fear this journey. it might make you question everything but trust the science and your doctor, not some random dickhead.

some time during the middle of the year in 2024 i reached my highest weight of 363 lbs. i am a 5'9" male. i was morbidly obese and i could feel the effects of it. i wasn't always this big. in fact, i only started gaining weight around the age of 10. i suffered long-term abuse and one of my coping mechanisms was to eat. my mother only attempted to control my habit but never gave any real effort about it. i was able to eat whatever and whenever. to be fair, she was dealing with the worst of it.

needless to say, my depression developed and it became severe. because of contributing factors of how i was raised, how society sees fat people, and how i started internalizing the hate back to myself, over time those negative thoughts became how i saw myself. i hated my weight, i hated my body. i was ashamed and couldn't find a single thing to be even OK with.

no matter what i did throughout my life it never stuck. i started accepting i was the problem even with the addiction i had to food. i knew that this was likely some sort of disease but i still felt culpable. "there's more i can do," i kept telling myself. blame, blame, blame. "i just don't give a shit enough," i'd say. it made me hate myself even deeper.

then, a classification of diabetes medication referred to as GLP-1s were brought to mainstream attention. most of us heard about them through rumor mill gossip, but the reason they became suddenly popular was due to the fact that these medications were rather effective at treating metabolic disorder and therefore obesity. it had an initial negative connotation as it was treated as a celebrity fad drug and jokes were made about how 5 years from now the negative side effects will impact them all. some people dismissed it, some people praised it. GLP-1s had a mixed reception then. You likely heard of the first big one to be noticed: Ozempic.

eventually, a friend of mine tells me they are starting a newer GLP-1, Zepbound, which is just like Ozempic but targets an additional hormone, making it a dual receptor agonist and more effective at treating metabolic disorder. he ended up losing 60 lbs before it convinced me to try for myself.

i began in November of last year. i was skeptical but very enthusiastic as i did my research and found the science amazing. this isn't some kind of designer drug meant as a temporary fix or a treatment that is worse than the illness. GLP-1s have been around for a while successfully controlling diabetes. doctors realized it was also helping patients lose weight. the mechanics are triggered by hormonal interactions which over time alter your brain and imprint upon you new behavioral traits. the disorder of obesity itself is treated more than at the weight level; it actually treats your brain and stops the impulse to overeat and the reward for consuming unhealthy food and quantities.

and that is what happened to me. i am now 224 lbs today, having lost ~138 in total. i have exerted very little willpower and haven't exercised routinely. if i did both of those things i would no doubt be at a bigger loss, which is fucking insane because 138 is A LOT within a year. i state this because i want you all to understand that this is a genuine treatment for obesity. it changed not only my body but my mind.

i am not the same person i was before i started Zepbound. i have felt this way now for about half the year and it hasn't left me. i'm realizing i may have entered a permanent shift in identity and purpose. i do not despise my body anymore. sure, i need to lose about 50 more lbs, but that's it????? wow i.. i'm really going to do it. this is real. i can accept that this is real now because i am so close. this medication has worked non-stop even during the plateaus.

i can access a deeper level of emotions than i realized i was capable of. everything i felt before was filtered through not only my major depressive disorder but it was additionally being weighed down by literally my own weight. and i couldn't feel that anymore because it became my default. i thought i was expressing my values and my care as fully as i could, because i genuinely felt the passion and believed in how i felt about things and people. having lost all this weight it is like night and day. the depth i can feel things at now feels more aligned with my inner self; the me outside of my disorders.

i am now able to tackle concepts of my depression and anxiety that i simply wasn't ready for before. in fact, i am in a PHP right now and i was here three years ago and exited the program. i didn't complete it. i couldn't. i tried, believe me. i truly wanted it to work. ...so i hated myself for it. again, must be my fault. i'm a bad person.

no. i was and am a sick person. not only do i have mental illness but i have a metabolic disorder. i have a disease. obesity is a disease and you have to stop shaming yourself. it is okay to accept this reality and get help. there is help finally. we have a medication to control your dysfunction. you owe it to yourself to talk to a doctor about a GLP-1 med. i strongly recommend Zepbound but that's me. i say that because it is currently the only dual-receptor agonist on the market.

not a single day goes by i do not consider how happier i feel lately. again, not a fulfilment because i'm not where i want to be, but i can see myself as a fucking person finally. that matters, trust me. it matters. you might not be able to work on your depression because you hate yourself more than you realize even if you admit to hating yourself. i bet you aren't consciously aware of how deep those roots are.

i'm sorry this is so, so long. if this helps anybody seek treatment then it was worth it. feel free to ask any questions btw either here or DM. obese folks who hate themselves: hey, stop it! listen to me! talk to your doctor, i promise.

ever since the US election last november i have been on a downward spiral (lol nine inch nails) that has not let up. in fact, it has gotten so bad that i am going in-patient at my local hospital on Monday to be cleared for entry into a 90-day residential program for behavioral health.

i have hit rock bottom, Lemmy. i thought i had already. i was certain my lowest points were behind me. nah. i unintentionally hurt the most important person in my life; made him wail, made him panic, made him collapse and suffer in agony so vocally and visibly it literally changed the chemistry in my brain. (i can't explain the full breadth of my actions that led to his response but he was not overreacting)

knowing that i broke my lover's heart, my partner of 13 years, it shattered me. we have had several hardships because of my long term neurodivergent issues, major depressive disorder, and anxiety, but nothing ever felt that world ending: that life shattering. we were splitting for sure, i was moving out.. until i realized there was another path we hadn't tried before: a residential stay.

he agreed. why? ...how? i don't deserve this. i don't fucking deserve his understanding and support. and i told him as much. he vehemently disagrees, knowing i'm ill and suffering from the politics of our country. i say it doesn't matter, at a certain point it isn't relevant and love alone isn't enough. he assured me he's not done, he's not willing to leave me like this when we can keep trying.

god dammit. god fucking dammit why did he find me? i should've never been in a relationship, i knew i was sick, i knew i was damaged. i am hurting him because i am a bad person. i am a bad, bad person deep down. only a bad person would do this.

at least.. that's how i feel. and i am trying so hard to tell myself that isn't true. i am more than the sum of my illnesses. in fact, i am not my illnesses; i oppose the behavior it influences in me and want it controlled. i am a victim of my own brain. this is happening to me as well and i need successful lifelong help.

i lost my job recently because of impulse issues and lack of proper moral judgement and assessment of risk, the FBI came to visit me because i lose the ability to control myself when ranting about fascism.. shit i would be smarter about, for fucks sake. it's getting bad if i am losing my filter and causing me to be sought out by the goddamn state lol.

so, away i go.. on Monday i start. i am terrified. what if i fail? what if i really am just a useless, broken, immorally bankrupt human being? what if i can't fix my impulsivity and my lack of care about my actions because i can't see the consequences clearly? this is who i am right now, can it really be changed, can it really be altered? i am dedicated and willing to do whatever they ask of me. i am not worried about my own commitment level, i just.. this can't be for nothing. please. i need this to help me. please, please, please. i will lose everything.

it's all i hear across the political spectrum: "nobody should be killed for their opinions"

sure, that's fair. you can hold that position, but what does that have to do with Charlie Kirk? if we are going to lend credence to the idea his killer did what he did to stop Kirk from further spreading fascism and bigotry then an opinion would have been the least of the killer's concerns. opinions don't do anything on their own. simply stating how you feel about something and maintaining your beliefs is not oppressive to anyone. it's when you commit action based on that belief and that is what Charlie Kirk had done very, very successfully the last ten or so years of his life.

Charlie Kirk took his beliefs and turned them into a movement. TPUSA, his political organization that he co-founded, has over one thousand chapters nationwide. Imagine if the KKK had that many locations in 2025. He was able to amass an insane amount of support for Trump/MAGA and Christian nationalism as a whole that it blows away anything he did prior to throwing himself in the Trump administration swamp.

people are still stuck on seeing him as some kind of internet guy or podcaster or talking head.. no lol. no, no, no, god i wish. Trump doesn't reach as far without Kirk, Trump doesn't appeal to young crowds without Kirk, Trump doesn't get older conservatives to see him as having longevity without Kirk.. he took the MAGA message and cemented it as an identity; he validated and perpetuated their whole brand.

Kirk is so instrumental in Trump's image and PR that MAGA wouldn't have organized itself as well without him. Jan 6? TPUSA bused folks to the capitol. They were actively participating in the overthrowing of a democratically elected leader.

this was not about opinions; this was not about beliefs. Kirk was shot because of what he did and was doing. acting like he was a victim of having too wrong of an opinion takes away all the real-world damage he contributed to; the literal deaths he was responsible for through stochastic terrorism and COVID denialism.

we have to face and accept the reality of righteous assassinations. this isn't to say to agree with or support them, but to merely acknowledge them as inevitable and not worthy of condemnation. lone assassinations are never helpful for the cause they intend to support, but when there are no peaceful, non-violent options left and you are being systematically killed by the state and its actors, a violent response in self-defense is understandable. don't avoid these actions, show the country what is at risk when we allow fascists to terrify and subjugate us. this is the ultimate fault of those keeping us oppressed, not the person pulling the trigger.

violence is a tool, not the whole toolbox

when the state labels you an extremist for existing, when they criminalize your identity, then self-defense becomes mandatory. Trump is using Charlie Kirk's death to enact genocidal measures against queer Americans. if the FBI labels us as Nihilistic Violent Extremists the response will be bloodshed, and it will be deserved. The Stonewall riots weren’t polite. John Brown didn’t ask nicely. there is no debating with fascists. arguing with them is a waste of energy. make them afraid to show their faces instead.

Charlie Kirk was a white supremacist fascist who supported the creation of a Christian nationalist theocracy. the threat he posed to humanity was incalculable. he spent the later part of his career supporting state-sanctioned murder in part through denying healthcare, police brutality, and keeping Americans trapped in poverty. Charlie Kirk was a passive serial killer like every other fascist. instead of doing the dirty work themselves, they outsource the killing to cops, laws, and death by a thousand cuts.

there is nothing to condemn in relation to Kirk's assassination. lone wolf resistance is inevitable when people are pushed to the brink. the left’s instinct to distance itself from these acts is naive and disempowering. it ignores history and human nature. revolution is messy. it’s not just marches and speeches, it’s desperate people doing desperate things because they’ve been left no other choice. the killing of fascists isn’t some aberration—it’s a predictable response to state-sanctioned terror.

stop condemning the acts of the oppressed or allies of the oppressed as "counterproductive" or "immoral." they are the logical outcome of oppression. it may not be pretty, and it may even hurt the cause due to the response received, but the fault is of those who made war inevitable. the left needs to grow up. violence is a tool, not a sin. the real sin is the conditions that create it.

the thing is, lone wolf violence is never going to end. it is human nature. there are always going to be assassinations and one-off killings of prominent figures. avoid praise if you must but reframe the issue as an unfortunate yet necessary part of revolution that has been forced upon us. let the people know assassinations are the actions of a caged animal with no power remaining. tell the world that gunmen are responding to an immediate threat to human lives, and that this is the fault of the fascists; this is the psychological damage they cause. embrace what happens when revolution is needed, not because it's righteous, but because it's a testament to the strength of the human spirit. face what is happening as a matter of reality when it comes to disposing of fascists.

it's a good thing that charlie kirk is gone. it doesn't matter how it happened. words have power and he used his to make the country unsafe for minorities. he directly contributed to the climate that led to every single murder in the name of bigotry the last 10 years. blood was on his hands. it's always a net positive when a monster is stopped.

i don’t care that Charlie Kirk is dead. i care that there are thousands more who need the same treatment.

i'm unbothered and frankly, glad, that transphobia appears to be a primary reason. in what way does that cheapen or negatively change the morality of the act? the demonizing and dehumanizing of people like me is responsible for the deaths of people like me. being turned into a national boogeyman has made it more unsafe for millions and millions of americans, many who are cisgender women trying to use the bathroom, and one of the biggest voices responsible for legitimizing it all is now gone and the person who did it did so to reduce direct harm to trans people. it is a calculable net positive for us all. anything resulting from this act as retribution isn't a fault of the action if the action is just. that would be to cede ground to unreasonable voices. blame the minds of those who respond to it with their own violence and their reasons for doing so.

preventing further widespread national harm and death by eliminating the source of the spread is a good thing and if the person who did it ended up doing it because of the decedent's own words and positions then so the fuck what? they were murderous positions to spread and encourage. words are not simply words; opinions are not merely statements of thought. you should face consequences for stochastically stoking the flames of fascism. using bigotry to take advantage of poor people who are disenfranchised and uneducated is despicable, it is ghastly, it is unforgivable. my identity is not a threat to anyone. protecting me is not murder, it is self-defense.

i haven't posted about myself to the broader trans community or tried to find other transfems who feel like me, but the more i keep my thoughts private the more alienated and alone i feel. i'm sure other people can relate to how my identity manifests for me. i'd like to share.

my physical body does not match the mental image i have of myself nor does it align with my gender identity. when i went through male puberty my dysphoria only got worse. i have the expected body of a man and this causes me significant anguish on a daily basis. staring at my reflection and not seeing a femininizing image looking back is so debilitating.

however, i was socialized and raised the way i was, and that was "as a boy." i have an attachment to my male youth and i find comfort and affirmation revisiting those periods and seeing myself as a boy in some corner of my headspace. i developed as a boy, i made friends in "boyish" ways, i had some typically male oriented interests, and i genuinely became attached to gay romance and sex that i began seeing myself as male-but-in-a-girl-way.

if i "feel male" to some degree then why can't i just be content being a man? who am i to say that i'm trans-anything? it's something i have struggled with my whole life, but i simply detest the label of "man" being applied to me. the idea of being seen as one feels like erasure of my own identity to satisfy the morality of someone who isn't me. i don't embody masculinity, i don't relate to it. more importantly, it causes me stress and physical reactions to be placed in the category of "man;" to be seen as broad shouldered, wide, bulky; a prominent forehead and thick arms and legs; to be assigned roles based on my perceived manliness

however, i do not see myself as a woman either. it doesn't cause me significant distress to be seen as one, merely i can recognize womanhood isn't what i'm channeling. whatever space i am occupying feels rather close, though. it is 10x easier to talk to women and i've noticed several traits of mine are regularly assigned to those same women and would be described as "feminine." it's clear to me that regardless of my varied interests that any gender could take part in, i run feminine as a default setting lol.

so, as someone who has a positive connection to certain aspects of masculinity and refers to themselves with he/they pronouns i think i'm at odds with the majority of transfems, but i genuinely feel like the label best represents me. if anyone is curious i can go in-depth or answer questions, i don't mind. hopefully one of ya'll can relate as well.