Patience, thank yous, and trying to understand how to make their job easier (e.g. not waiting to look at the fast food menu until you're at the front).
Also if they are struggling to figure out something(scanner not working, getting weird error due to network connection issues, trying to find an obscure option you requested etc) be quiet and let them work. Don't try to make small talk, let them concentrate on what they are doing.
Leave a solid 1.5 to 2 car lengths between you and the vehicle in front of you while on the highway. When someone wants to merge into that space, let them and recreate the separation. It's a kindness not just to those who merge into the space, but to all drivers as it makes travel for everyone safer and lower stress.
it should be 1 car length per 10mph of speed. 2 car lengths isn't enough at highway speeds, it should be several, because as speeds increase your reaction time shortens and so does the force of impact
I know. and sometimes... my passengers tell me off for 'being a pussy' for following it... because they are such shitty backseat drivers.
like some people legit think tailgating is how you should drive... at all times and all speeds. same idiots who have massive accident rates and blame other drivers for 'being in the way'.
Be gentle with yourself. For example if you make an error, withhold calling yourself stupid, or think it. Reassure yourself that errors happen, and learn from it.
One time I called myself stupid in front of a friend who without missing a beat said "don't say that about my friend!" in a super offended voice and I think about that all the time.
say thank you, please, and etc. basic manners and courtesy to others.
It blows my mind that almost nobody does this anymore. I go to like coffee shops and stores and etc every other day, and basically nobody says this to sales people anymore. It's insane to me how objectively rude so many people are to other people who are helping them.
it's so bad that it's gotten to the point i've had people tell me i'm wrong for saying these things to service people. becase 'it's their job you shouldn't have to thank them' etc.
Ok I think people are not a bad person for not saying it but how does one even conceive that these words could be negative? Do the people who say this have some kind of superiority complex or are they trying to live out their dom fetish or something?
I have never heard any worker from the service industry ever say they wanna hear less kind words. The fuck.
yep, bingo. people who say this have a massive superiority complexes and basically judge people's 'worth' as entirely their job title.
they will basically only respect people who have high status jobs like doctor, and look down on everyone else. they also have a massively inflated sense of their own job's importance when most of the time they are just some middle manager in an office.
Yeah if you say the exact same phrase to the same people. But if you're genuinely kind you adapt to the moment and then you stop sounding like a robot.
And also this doesn't apply to service workers who I will probably come across a handful of times only. And to them it's probably more of an offset to the shitty experiences they had that day.
On a first date, someone said I was so incredibly polite. I was like, all I do is say please and thank you because my mother taught me it's the right thing to do. She was responding to my placing an order at a coffee shop.
Same. Sooo many people are incredibly rude and entitled assholes and they see basic manners as weird or 'weak'.
I have had many terrible rude dates tell me how being nice to the waiter makes me 'look weak'. It's so weird and pathetic, but that's how a lot of people view the work, like some savage competition.
it's gotten so bad where i live that I'm like genuinely impressived if a date says thank you to someone else, and totally SHOCKED if they say it to me for buying them something. 10 years ago most of my dates were polite and would thank me for the date, now they basically tell me to fuck off at the end of it if they aren't into me.
Im not sure if this will make you kinder but I find many many people skip very easy oportunities to make a small improvement in the world. These things are miniscule but they are things everyone can do all the time. Grab a cart from the lot if you pass one by that is not in a choral as you go to the store. Pick up litter that you pass by and toss or recycle it. I live in a condo complex and if my neighbor have packages that are easy enough to carry I bring them up and put it near their door and they actually now do the same for me. Not only a great convenience for us both but a great little human interaction for us both that makes us closer neighbors. Hold a door for someone, offer a seat on a train. Just keep in mind if you have an oportunity to do something that is scarcly and inconvenience for you but makes the world a better place. I would add smile when you see people. Be nice whenever you can and even return rudeness or such with strangers with kindness. You don't have to deal with their stuff every day so its easier to be pleasant and move on.
I'm telling you, this works. Each day, pause to think of three things for which you are grateful. It can be big or small. Examples that I've used: that I got to spend the evening with a close friend who has a typically busy schedule, that I slept especially well the night before, that the book I was reading turned out to be a good one, etc.
Sometimes it's something profound about how someone positively mentored me when I was younger. Or small stuff like knowing that there's a piece of cheesecake waiting for me in the fridge. The point is to do it every day. It's kinda awkward getting going, but then it becomes second nature and they come to mind effortlessly. I am convinced that it's made me a calmer, nicer, more understanding person.
If you're asking, then you're probably on the way already. Mindfulness of the way other people feel (also known as empathy) is a massive part of being kind to other people.
Simply live life knowing that everyone is their own person with an equally complex life as your's and treat them as you would like to be treated.
Remember that every person you meet has their own life going on with their own stress and drama. It makes it easier to be kind to the ones who are not being kind to you. And doing this will help a lot of them to also be kinder to others. It's a positive feedback loop.
Ask questions and don't assume you somehow know a person or their life better than they do. Nothing more annoying than a person attempting to "help" but ends up coming across as a condescending dismissive asshole.
Mindfulness. Note your behaviors. Note what leads to your behaviors. It'll give you insight into what in your life and in your mind leads to "kind" actions as well as what leads to "unkind" actions, which is a huge part of the effort to become more kind.
I wouldn't call it mindfulness because that has a weird spiritual undertone but I fully agree.
I specifically wanna highlight that the most important actions of kindness are small things and whenever you remember to be kind you will automatically respond that way, because it will be your modus operandi in social interactions. It sounds cliche but the truth is if you prioritize it, it sticks in your mind and often those tiny interactions reflect what is important to you.
That said of course this is not a substitute for taking the effort too. Sometimes it's annoying to say an extra phrase of kindness but it's important.
I have my own personal thoughts on this, so take this how you will.
Think about times where you have been angry at how people miss handled situations with you and try not to put others in the same boat if you ever find yourself in a flipped position.
Putting yourself in another person's shoes also helps. If somebody is doing something that you don't agree with but you might do if you were in the same situation as them, then you should probably cut them some slack or at least respond proportionately.
A really big one was a lot of people is stress and having trouble dealing with their own problems. A lot of the time people will act much harsher and disregard others when they have tunnel vision from their own issues. Being aware of your own current mindset can be helpful for realizing that you might need to take a step back and breathe before committing an action or saying something that you might not mean later.
It all basically comes down to the Golden rule and being aware that other people exist and have their own problems and perspectives.
Take extra time to consider other peoples' perspectives or take notice if they're acting different than usual. You might be able to make them smile when they need it, or understand their frustration a little better or even find a way to help them without them having to ask. Some people want help but don't know how to express it, so paying some extra attention can let you figure it out without making it seem like they're being needy or whatever.
Doesn't sound like much, but a lot of folks I say that too change their attitude to me if it's poor. They see I care about them enough to want them to be safe.
Also asking everyone at drive thru before I take my order. "How are you doin' today?"
Bonus points when they reply and ask how I am.
I'll say "I'm alive n kickin'."
Which if they say "that's good." Or something I reply "that's what they tell me, but I think they're lying."
I have gotten so many laughs out of it.
Folks just not excepting me to say it.
And just being nice to anyone. Giving em the goddamn time of day.
Do small, but good things, that nobody else sees. Pick up trash, fix something, let someone in front of you in traffic, smile and thank your cashier, hold a door for people, give a $5 bill of to an old person panhandling, etc. You will know you are doing positive stuff without credit, and you YOURSELF will recognize that you are a good person, and that will change how you want interact with everyone else. Eventually others will recognize it, too.
For me recently, I had the realization that I had the possibility of being very gentle with someone who doesn't know something (even the smallest thing!). As a kid I've had a few traumas related to being shamed/pointed at for not knowing something and the fear of asking stuff is still present today. So I do my best to ease that for other people
Someone brought this up in another current thread: consider your end goal. What result do you want from an interaction, and how can you act in a way most likely to make that happen?
So often we react in an emotional way, and act like punishing someone else because they behaved inappropriately is the only just response. And i'm not saying you should ignore bad behavior or that no one should experience consequences for their actions. This advice is literally just to consider your options, to determine what course of action will most likely get what you desire rather than what feels good in the moment.
A few years ago we had an situation at an old office of mine. Someone held the door for a person who wasn't an employee(the employee was trying to nice and assumed the other person worked there, with like 900 people in the building you can't know everyone). Women commonly left there purses at their desk and some men left their wallets. This other guy walked around the cubicles while everyone was getting coffee/tea/water before starting and just grabbed all the purses and wallets. He stole from like 30 people, walked out a back door and was never found.
If you're having a bad day (like those days where you get up "on the wrong side of the bed" / you just can't get going), go out of your way to do something kind for someone. It's a kind of brain hack because your brain has trouble with the cognitive dissonance of "I feel terrible" and "I did this nice thing", so you will feel better after.
Of course, you can also just do the nice thing whenever you see an opportunity. My general philosophy is that there are so many problems I can't do anything about, I try to never let a problem I can do something about go by. Even if it's just something small.
Always go above and beyond to be nice to service workers. Even if they aren't helpful. Even if they are rude. I promise they had a worse day than you did. You can still ask for whatever you need, but do it politely. Don't raise your voice. If they are helpful, thank them, and if you can, say something nice about them to a manager.
Look people into the eyes and smile a little whenever you talk to them. Everytime. After a while, learn to smile bigger. Then learn to actually smile while talking.
Smile when you genuinely feel something. Don't be fake and try to manipulate people.
Also, you must be American? Only Americans have this weird obsession with smiling constantly and thinking that if you aren't smiling you're an asshole.
If you do this, please keep an eye on how that individual person is reacting. Some people will love this and think you're a wonderful, friendly person. Other people will be made incredibly uncomfortable. Both are valid responses.
I am personally in the latter camp. I'm autistic, I find eye contact difficult. If you're being quite insistent about it, I will find it aggressive.
As for the smiling, I am immediately distrustful of anyone giving me a giant smile while talking to me for the first time. A little smile is normal, but if you have a massive grin without any observable cause, my assumption is that you are trying to corner me into something. Maybe I'm just too cynical or damaged in some way, but this just sets off my alarm bells.
Not sure whether this fits here but I think first about this one Discord bot you can use to receive someone's vent and then helping them out with the problems they vent about.
Should take only minutes to help one soul (you can help as much as you'd like with it though).
93 replies
Be kind to service workers.
Patience, thank yous, and trying to understand how to make their job easier (e.g. not waiting to look at the fast food menu until you're at the front).
Short, low stakes practice.
Also if they are struggling to figure out something(scanner not working, getting weird error due to network connection issues, trying to find an obscure option you requested etc) be quiet and let them work. Don't try to make small talk, let them concentrate on what they are doing.
Leave a solid 1.5 to 2 car lengths between you and the vehicle in front of you while on the highway. When someone wants to merge into that space, let them and recreate the separation. It's a kindness not just to those who merge into the space, but to all drivers as it makes travel for everyone safer and lower stress.
it should be 1 car length per 10mph of speed. 2 car lengths isn't enough at highway speeds, it should be several, because as speeds increase your reaction time shortens and so does the force of impact
I was taught the 3 second rule. If you drive 3 seconds behind, the space will adjust to the speed.
I was taught 3 seconds in the city, 7 seconds on the highway. Always better to be extra safe.
I was taught 2 seconds, interesting number to track.
quick google search for 3 second rule driving:
that seems a lot larger for people to conceptualize though.
You're not wrong and good luck getting anyone to do that. Can you imagine how much easier/nicer/more efficent travel would be if people would do this?
I know. and sometimes... my passengers tell me off for 'being a pussy' for following it... because they are such shitty backseat drivers.
like some people legit think tailgating is how you should drive... at all times and all speeds. same idiots who have massive accident rates and blame other drivers for 'being in the way'.
Leaving gaps also prevents having to slow down or stop as often and reduces traffic congestion overall.
You call that leaving a gap? Going that close would be regarded as severe aggression on our Autobahn. Even punishable in many cases.
Sadly, it's extremely common practice for folks to leave far less than even 1 car length even traveling at 60 or 70 mph. :(
I see now why it is that easy for the so-called self driving cars to produce (seemingly) good statistics.
I try to keep 2 seconds of space, but find myself encroaching cliser in traffic.
Part of the defensive driving cold war is protecting space in front of you.
Uh, 2 car lenghts on the highway? Isn't that... Incredibly small? Am I missing something here?
Be gentle with yourself. For example if you make an error, withhold calling yourself stupid, or think it. Reassure yourself that errors happen, and learn from it.
One time I called myself stupid in front of a friend who without missing a beat said "don't say that about my friend!" in a super offended voice and I think about that all the time.
That friend sounds cool.
Man, that is a FANTASTIC response to someone saying something bad about themselves! I’m going to use that one if I can. Your friend is inspiring!
This is so hard. I am doing all the other stuff regularly but this one will always be my nemesis.
It's like a muscle, it gets better with practice.
I have underlying issues that force me to sacrifice my mental health just to survive, and thus I lack the safety margin to be gentle to myself.
I wanna get to a point where I can practice kindness on myself but I am not in a position where I can do so at this point.
I've been there before, I totally understand. Stay safe.
say thank you, please, and etc. basic manners and courtesy to others.
It blows my mind that almost nobody does this anymore. I go to like coffee shops and stores and etc every other day, and basically nobody says this to sales people anymore. It's insane to me how objectively rude so many people are to other people who are helping them.
it's so bad that it's gotten to the point i've had people tell me i'm wrong for saying these things to service people. becase 'it's their job you shouldn't have to thank them' etc.
Ok I think people are not a bad person for not saying it but how does one even conceive that these words could be negative? Do the people who say this have some kind of superiority complex or are they trying to live out their dom fetish or something?
I have never heard any worker from the service industry ever say they wanna hear less kind words. The fuck.
Superiority complex. “Why should I thank the lesser people for just doing what they’re told?”
yep, bingo. people who say this have a massive superiority complexes and basically judge people's 'worth' as entirely their job title.
they will basically only respect people who have high status jobs like doctor, and look down on everyone else. they also have a massively inflated sense of their own job's importance when most of the time they are just some middle manager in an office.
Cheapens the phrase if you use it all the time
Yeah if you say the exact same phrase to the same people. But if you're genuinely kind you adapt to the moment and then you stop sounding like a robot.
And also this doesn't apply to service workers who I will probably come across a handful of times only. And to them it's probably more of an offset to the shitty experiences they had that day.
TL;DR theoretically yes, practically no.
I agree, just giving an example of why someone might not want to say thanks all the time. I save it for when they actually look at me
"Welcome to Costco. . .I love you."
"Welcome to Cotstco. . .I love you. . ."
Not if you say it in earnest.
Thanks
You're welcome
On a first date, someone said I was so incredibly polite. I was like, all I do is say please and thank you because my mother taught me it's the right thing to do. She was responding to my placing an order at a coffee shop.
Same. Sooo many people are incredibly rude and entitled assholes and they see basic manners as weird or 'weak'.
I have had many terrible rude dates tell me how being nice to the waiter makes me 'look weak'. It's so weird and pathetic, but that's how a lot of people view the work, like some savage competition.
it's gotten so bad where i live that I'm like genuinely impressived if a date says thank you to someone else, and totally SHOCKED if they say it to me for buying them something. 10 years ago most of my dates were polite and would thank me for the date, now they basically tell me to fuck off at the end of it if they aren't into me.
Give genuine compliments to random people every time you can.
Im not sure if this will make you kinder but I find many many people skip very easy oportunities to make a small improvement in the world. These things are miniscule but they are things everyone can do all the time. Grab a cart from the lot if you pass one by that is not in a choral as you go to the store. Pick up litter that you pass by and toss or recycle it. I live in a condo complex and if my neighbor have packages that are easy enough to carry I bring them up and put it near their door and they actually now do the same for me. Not only a great convenience for us both but a great little human interaction for us both that makes us closer neighbors. Hold a door for someone, offer a seat on a train. Just keep in mind if you have an oportunity to do something that is scarcly and inconvenience for you but makes the world a better place. I would add smile when you see people. Be nice whenever you can and even return rudeness or such with strangers with kindness. You don't have to deal with their stuff every day so its easier to be pleasant and move on.
I'm telling you, this works. Each day, pause to think of three things for which you are grateful. It can be big or small. Examples that I've used: that I got to spend the evening with a close friend who has a typically busy schedule, that I slept especially well the night before, that the book I was reading turned out to be a good one, etc.
Sometimes it's something profound about how someone positively mentored me when I was younger. Or small stuff like knowing that there's a piece of cheesecake waiting for me in the fridge. The point is to do it every day. It's kinda awkward getting going, but then it becomes second nature and they come to mind effortlessly. I am convinced that it's made me a calmer, nicer, more understanding person.
Pick up litter and dispose of it properly.
If you're asking, then you're probably on the way already. Mindfulness of the way other people feel (also known as empathy) is a massive part of being kind to other people.
Simply live life knowing that everyone is their own person with an equally complex life as your's and treat them as you would like to be treated.
Offer blowjobs without asking anything in return.
‘A blowjob given freely calms even the wrathful heart’ - Psalms 89
Remember that every person you meet has their own life going on with their own stress and drama. It makes it easier to be kind to the ones who are not being kind to you. And doing this will help a lot of them to also be kinder to others. It's a positive feedback loop.
Ask questions and don't assume you somehow know a person or their life better than they do. Nothing more annoying than a person attempting to "help" but ends up coming across as a condescending dismissive asshole.
Have you tried essential oils?
If I see someone wearing something I like, be it piercings, hair colour, earrings, etc., I will complement them. The smile on their face is worth it.
Put a toy inside of yourself.
Sadly, we’re not allowed to do that in the US
A vibrating toy preferably
Mindfulness. Note your behaviors. Note what leads to your behaviors. It'll give you insight into what in your life and in your mind leads to "kind" actions as well as what leads to "unkind" actions, which is a huge part of the effort to become more kind.
I wouldn't call it mindfulness because that has a weird spiritual undertone but I fully agree.
I specifically wanna highlight that the most important actions of kindness are small things and whenever you remember to be kind you will automatically respond that way, because it will be your modus operandi in social interactions. It sounds cliche but the truth is if you prioritize it, it sticks in your mind and often those tiny interactions reflect what is important to you.
That said of course this is not a substitute for taking the effort too. Sometimes it's annoying to say an extra phrase of kindness but it's important.
I have my own personal thoughts on this, so take this how you will.
Think about times where you have been angry at how people miss handled situations with you and try not to put others in the same boat if you ever find yourself in a flipped position.
Putting yourself in another person's shoes also helps. If somebody is doing something that you don't agree with but you might do if you were in the same situation as them, then you should probably cut them some slack or at least respond proportionately.
A really big one was a lot of people is stress and having trouble dealing with their own problems. A lot of the time people will act much harsher and disregard others when they have tunnel vision from their own issues. Being aware of your own current mindset can be helpful for realizing that you might need to take a step back and breathe before committing an action or saying something that you might not mean later.
It all basically comes down to the Golden rule and being aware that other people exist and have their own problems and perspectives.
Take extra time to consider other peoples' perspectives or take notice if they're acting different than usual. You might be able to make them smile when they need it, or understand their frustration a little better or even find a way to help them without them having to ask. Some people want help but don't know how to express it, so paying some extra attention can let you figure it out without making it seem like they're being needy or whatever.
I tell folks, "Be safe."
Doesn't sound like much, but a lot of folks I say that too change their attitude to me if it's poor. They see I care about them enough to want them to be safe.
Also asking everyone at drive thru before I take my order. "How are you doin' today?" Bonus points when they reply and ask how I am. I'll say "I'm alive n kickin'." Which if they say "that's good." Or something I reply "that's what they tell me, but I think they're lying."
I have gotten so many laughs out of it. Folks just not excepting me to say it.
And just being nice to anyone. Giving em the goddamn time of day.
I used to know an old man who would respond to "how are you" with an enthusiastic "fantastic!" and then an apologetic "but I hope to get better."
I have run into old guys like that. Dudes are usually chill. Love interaction like that.
Do small, but good things, that nobody else sees. Pick up trash, fix something, let someone in front of you in traffic, smile and thank your cashier, hold a door for people, give a $5 bill of to an old person panhandling, etc. You will know you are doing positive stuff without credit, and you YOURSELF will recognize that you are a good person, and that will change how you want interact with everyone else. Eventually others will recognize it, too.
try to leave everything slightly better than you found it
Paying anybody a small compliment is free.
unless it's at work and they contact HR for harassment.
my work has specific guidelines on what compliments are permissible in the workplace.
I suppose, for an example, that one should think twice before complimenting a female co-worker on her breasts.
you can compliment her on her revealing dress though!
Whenever you have to interact with someone in fast food or retail say “thank you” afterwards.
For me recently, I had the realization that I had the possibility of being very gentle with someone who doesn't know something (even the smallest thing!). As a kid I've had a few traumas related to being shamed/pointed at for not knowing something and the fear of asking stuff is still present today. So I do my best to ease that for other people
Someone brought this up in another current thread: consider your end goal. What result do you want from an interaction, and how can you act in a way most likely to make that happen?
So often we react in an emotional way, and act like punishing someone else because they behaved inappropriately is the only just response. And i'm not saying you should ignore bad behavior or that no one should experience consequences for their actions. This advice is literally just to consider your options, to determine what course of action will most likely get what you desire rather than what feels good in the moment.
Realize that we're only alive because of the sun. If it could, it would laugh at us for fighting each other.
While searching for the laughing Teletubbies sun for response, I found something else, which makes me giggle and needed to be shared:
When you go through a self-closing door and someone is just a few steps behind you, keep it open.
Be careful where you do this. If you have to scan a badge to enter someplace like your office DO NOT DO THIS!
Context is important. That is for sure.
A few years ago we had an situation at an old office of mine. Someone held the door for a person who wasn't an employee(the employee was trying to nice and assumed the other person worked there, with like 900 people in the building you can't know everyone). Women commonly left there purses at their desk and some men left their wallets. This other guy walked around the cubicles while everyone was getting coffee/tea/water before starting and just grabbed all the purses and wallets. He stole from like 30 people, walked out a back door and was never found.
and what do you do when you do this and they call you an asshole or scowl at you?
I've never experienced that. Either the people are thankful or do not react at all.
lucky. where I live there is about a 1/3 chance the person you hold the door for tells you to f yourself or you are 'in their way'.
Nobody ever smiles or thanks you. At best you get a blank look.
I like to do it when they are just a bit too far away and see if they run.
Right, ta.
When a stranger does something trivial that ticks you off just let it go
Say "hi" with a smile, to people you pass by, even if it's fake. The end results are the same to the recipients.
If you're having a bad day (like those days where you get up "on the wrong side of the bed" / you just can't get going), go out of your way to do something kind for someone. It's a kind of brain hack because your brain has trouble with the cognitive dissonance of "I feel terrible" and "I did this nice thing", so you will feel better after.
Of course, you can also just do the nice thing whenever you see an opportunity. My general philosophy is that there are so many problems I can't do anything about, I try to never let a problem I can do something about go by. Even if it's just something small.
Always go above and beyond to be nice to service workers. Even if they aren't helpful. Even if they are rude. I promise they had a worse day than you did. You can still ask for whatever you need, but do it politely. Don't raise your voice. If they are helpful, thank them, and if you can, say something nice about them to a manager.
Daily metta practice can be helpful.
Look people into the eyes and smile a little whenever you talk to them. Everytime. After a while, learn to smile bigger. Then learn to actually smile while talking.
No, that's creepy/weird as fuck.
Smile when you genuinely feel something. Don't be fake and try to manipulate people.
Also, you must be American? Only Americans have this weird obsession with smiling constantly and thinking that if you aren't smiling you're an asshole.
All your assumptions are wrong. Should I say something about your IQ now? /s
I didn't assume, I asked.
are you sure I'm the one with the IQ issue if you think a question is an assumption.
If you do this, please keep an eye on how that individual person is reacting. Some people will love this and think you're a wonderful, friendly person. Other people will be made incredibly uncomfortable. Both are valid responses.
I am personally in the latter camp. I'm autistic, I find eye contact difficult. If you're being quite insistent about it, I will find it aggressive. As for the smiling, I am immediately distrustful of anyone giving me a giant smile while talking to me for the first time. A little smile is normal, but if you have a massive grin without any observable cause, my assumption is that you are trying to corner me into something. Maybe I'm just too cynical or damaged in some way, but this just sets off my alarm bells.
For someone who is too far gone to be kind, staying away from other people is a great kindness.
If you see a nail on the road, pick it up
Not sure whether this fits here but I think first about this one Discord bot you can use to receive someone's vent and then helping them out with the problems they vent about.
Should take only minutes to help one soul (you can help as much as you'd like with it though).
There's a game called "Kind words" that's basically this, you can see other people's messages and reply with a supportive message
I have it on steam. It's cool.
(I believe Koko gets a bigger audience. It's free to use)