Leave your phone on do-not-disturb, and inform anyone you give your number to that the phone is always on DND so they shouldn't expect you to answer or have an immediate response.
Never debate anything with strangers on the Internet. It's just a waste of time, as in the best case scenario nothing actually changes. It's not worth the time, frustration, emotional toll or being the target of insults. Just tell anyone looking to argue with you that they're right, that they're always right without exception, and then walk away.
On signal, under the privacy settings you have these options. It means I can't see when people have read my messages but they can't see when I've read theirs. They'll know because I'll respond when I have time. It stopped me cowering from my messages and keeping them hanging around as notifications.
I enjoy debating things online sometimes. I get satisfaction from laying out my argument for what I think, and often it helps me identify and challenge my own hypocrisies. I don't expect to be able to change the other person's mind, but it has helped me change my own beliefs for the better. And I like to think it can persuade others who hadn't given it much thought before.
It really depends on who the Internet randomly assigns you to debate with. Yes, you can get a knowledgeable, polite and pragmatic person who will help you find flaws in your own logic. More often than not, though, you'll face off against people who will call you a cultist, say you're an idiot, question your abilities, and/or tell you to fuck off.
That's why I think debating is better done in person, with people you know at least tangentially. They're less likely to be raging jerks, and if they are, you can avoid them in the future. On the Internet, those jerks will follow you everywhere on the platform and hound you.
One is cheeky social fun with mates, the other involves multiple taboo and touchy subjects (specially in corporate spaces). Like sex and hierarchy and cheating.
Rapid breathing also directly causes anxiety, it flips your physical flight or fight button and your brain doesn’t know why so you get anxiety. It’s why yoga and meditation are so frequently suggested as aids to help relieve anxiety
Every morning I listen to a radio program. From monday to friday, the program follows the same schedule so I know without having to look at any watch, what am I doing during my morning routine. I know at what part of the program I brush my teeth, or heat the water for the tea, or do my skincare or leave the house.
Since the program is well structured and punctual, my schedule for the morning is well organized, I don't skip any step of it and am always on time. Something extremely important for me as if my morning routine fails for whatever reason, the rest of the day is guaranteed to be a mess.
I also have a shower playlist. My showers last 3 minutes, 4 tops. Having a playlist of songs no longer than 4 minutes, makes me know if I'm on time or I should already leave the shower.
Also, as others recommended, earplugs for when you need noise reduction. I use the Loop Switch ones as I can switch control the level of noise reduction with a small switch on them without having to take them off.
I do this by having a whole bunch of alarms set every certain period of time like 10 minutes or half an hour or whatever. And when the alarm goes off, I know where I should be in my schedule so I know if I’m running fast or if I’m running late. I hate rushing so this method really helps keep me on track and calm.
I second the noise canceling device; for me personally, I got the QuietOn 4, which are basically glorified earplugs with ANC for 200€. I use them for sleep, but together with my overear ANC headphones I can make my surrounding world genuinely quiet. The baby crying in the train is like a whisper, the car driving by isn't really noticeable, and regular talking gets blended out almost completely. I managed to sleep in a bus with a combination of these two; while one ANC layer on their own isn't really enough, if you combine two I can create a quietness bubble around me. Absolutely 100% worth it, it is really as amazing as it sounds.
The best one so far was sitting down with my spouse and making lists:
default grocery list
2nd list with low effort meal components in case we can't manage to cook. (A few are kept in the house but this is more for one to pick up for the other in times if need).
priority chore list, including which ones we need both to keep an eye on because consequences of forgetting are too high, such as making sure credit cards are paid and the foundation drain system is checked.
This means if one of us just can't the other has a list of things they can take over, they know what can be dropped so they don't also get overwhelmed, as well as a list of items to grab to help the other meet their needs.
Another one that is very helpful is the ability to pause conversations and come back to them when we're more able to participate. We agree that conflicts and other serious discussions require us both to be able to listen and understand. If we can't do that, we are wasting time, getting stressed out, etc. We let the other know, and maybe throw it in the calendar to make sure we don't forget.
Light-filtering Glasses. Sunglasses are good for outdooes, but I also have a pair of FL-41 coated glasses. They are meant for migraine sufferers, but I swear they make processing easier when I wear them. https://www.theraspecs.com/fl-41-glasses/
Stop trying to live your life according to the standard, accepted template. It's really important to decide what you value in life and reject the judgments of others. You have to figure out how to be okay with, or enjoy, being outcast. It's not so bad once you figure that out. https://www.amazon.ca/Courage-Be-Disliked-Phenomenon-Happiness/dp/1668069539
Try custom molded earplugs if you like wearing them frequently. I have to wear them at work, and was tired of them getting dirty and throwing them out. I've been wearing the same pair of custom molded plugs for years now. Just wash them with hand soap whenever they get dirty, and they're good as new. They are also much more comfortable than the ones that rely on expansion to stay in place.
OK, yeah I will give these a shot. I really don't like the disposable factor of the earplugs, but the 3M ones I likes are the only ones that arent uncomfortable and fit well. If i can find a reusable that does the same job, I'd like that.
Is that why I love my over-ear headphones so much‽ I got them to minimise background noise for music production lol. Explains why I want to wear them even if I don't feel like listening to anything at that moment.
I'm okay with being an outcast, but I want some outcast friends :/
Wearing a mask. Oh my god. People finally stopped commenting on my stupid face. No more "why so sad?" Or "it can't be that bad" or "cheer up" or "where's a smile!" Just leave my fucking resting sad bitch face alone! And now they doooooo and its so much better because I don't have to devote brain power to remembering idiots care about my mouth at all.
I still wear one. People might look at me strangely, but outside of doctors asking if I'm wearing it for a specific reason no one comments on it. Which is good!
Years ago my old vacuum cleaner finally broke and I was looking for a new one, but then my car broke down so instead of the new vacuum my money went to fixing the car. So I was without a vacuum and had to brush the floor clean.. And yeah. It's so, so, so much better. Quiet, doesn't get stuck, doesn't flip to it's back, no cord, doesn't smell like dust.. Now when I clean the floors I no longer feel THE ANGERY which would be enough to make me kill a kitten in the process.
Fuck vacuums. Unless you have carpet floor, you don't really need them. It's just marketing.
I use a broom with a shovely part and also a "squeegee" that is usually used to try the shower room floor. And I of course mop the floors between few months. Rugs I spank outdoors.
Only downside is that if I mention that I don't own a vacuum, it has made people call me gross and I have gotten questions like "do you even mop like ever!?" when I have already said that I use a brush instead. Almost no house has carpet floor in this country.
Just fuck vacuum cleaners. All my homies hate vacuum cleaners.
EDIT// Haha I think broom is better word than brush, I meant that one.
Here I was, imagining you sitting on the floor with a brush! Lol. Brooms are nice! When the bristles are good and not mangled. Had a cat that looooved chewing on the bristles!
My cats sure do, although they'll just lay on the floor and let it bounce off them, slightly better than having to retrieve them from the ultra secret hiding place I didn't know existed until it became relevant though.
This might be the ADHD more than anything, but making alarms on my phone changed my life. I used to forget important things all the time, but then I started making alarms for the most important stuff, and all of a sudden I stopped forgetting them!
Nowadays I'll make an alarm for everything. I said I'd go get groceries after I finish this episode of my TV show? Better make an alarm for 7 minutes from now. I'm going to the store to buy eggs? Better make an alarm titled "eggs" to go off at the store in case I get distracted by something.
At this point I open my alarms app automatically any time there's anything at all to remember. I have dozens of concurrent alarms, and it's great.
Constantly reminding myself that if people do something all the time, I should be able to do it. I just need to figure out how they're doing it as the first step. Yeah I still embarrass myself sometimes but it's taken me a lot further than just avoiding doing things or ducking assignments because I was afraid of the consequences of not knowing what to do.
Stop catering to the expectations neurotypicals seem to have. You will never do right by them. Accept that they're usually wrong about things when it comes to what you can and cannot do, and do your best to tune them out any way you can. You know what you can and cannot do. Don't let them dictate where your limits lie.
This is absolutely what I have done and I cannot go back. Short bob cut, looks adorable and quirky and I’ve been sewing my own clothing for a few years now. Oversized clothing is fun as hell to make.
Yes! My mum taught me this trick when I was very young and it’s worked so well.
To build on the conversation theme, I’ve found that it takes less effort than you think to converse if you keep the focus on the other person. It just takes brief words of support, like cool/seriously?/that sounds great/awful/tiring/what have you. My go-to is “wild!” because it can be used positively or negatively and interpretation is up to them.
If they ask me about my own hobbies though, that strategy falls apart and I start breathlessly blabbing out WAY more details than I should. Haven’t figured out a solution to that yet. Easier not to volunteer anything personal and keep it on them.
I’ve found I’m quite good at socializing despite being on the spectrum. It was not a natural thing and was quite studied.
Writing that helped immensely with understanding body language and social cues was actually a bit of a con artists book: How to make people like you in 30 seconds.
It gave great insight into what I had a hard time understanding on my own: the social fabric explained.
As someone who constantly learns and tries to apply that knowledge, having all the social cues laid out in a way to practice on just about anyone was very eye opening and freeing.
This is definitely one for me. My flavor of audio sensitivity seems to mean that aural stimulation satisfies some ADHD part of my AuDHD brain. I can be coding at work or doing some very chill tasks in my yard, being present in the moment and acting with intention and being all zen about it, but there is industrial or thrash metal blasting in my ears that nobody else can hear. (with the setting enabled to keep it below damaging decibel levels)
I only speak to people when I'm not upset. If I get upset, I need at least 30 mins alone to calm down and if you try to communicate with me during that, you'll have a bad time. I also need time to prepare for and recover from social situations or overstimulating situations. Just those two have made a world of difference. I should also add that I have AuDHD, so it's a bit different than people with only autism.
Being allowed to do things my way, even if it makes no sense to others. I do lots of things differently to everyone else, because they work for me, and the people I live with are respectful of that. I've had to make lots of changes recently due to being in Autistic burnout, and that has resulted in me doing even more things "my way". Sometimes, when I'm struggling with speaking, it means saying things very briefly - one or two words, like "tea?" instead of "do you want a cup of tea?" or "out" when I need to leave a shop because it's overwhelming me. Other times, it's just being allowed to do my grounding routines, like getting my breakfast in peace, because I get muddled or distracted if someone is hovering round me in the kitchen while I do it.
As far as doing things my own way, I have intentionally taken on some big projects in my hobbies over the past couple years, and I have intentionally avoided getting help on them even if it's offered freely, and even if that means it takes me 5x longer to get it done. The outcome is not only better, but more importantly the process itself is much more rewarding and therapeutic because I did it my way. I redid what I wanted to, I focused on what I wanted to, I took breaks and recharged according to my own body, and I have detailed first principles knowledge of how the entire thing came together.
I haven't really thought about the difficulty speaking and shortening it to single words, but the difficulty getting out those simple phrases sounds like some of my past experiences. Especially as somebody with a very verbose internal dialogue.
Same with sometimes just not wanting another person there while I'm getting shit done, even if they are a loved one with a friendly demeanor.
I tend to prefer to be the helper rather than the helped! Feeling part of a good team is important, and I had that for a while a couple of years back, but management spoilt it and destroyed what we had. I'm still in contact with some of those team-mates, but we've all left one way or another.
So, Hi, I stumbled here from all, and now I think I might be autistic.
Like, feeling stressed out and overwhelmed because of a break in routine or not being able to do things my way (because any other way is inferior and this is why...I took the time to find the best way to do it, through repetition and trial and error. Like loading groceries on the conveyor belt at the supermarket...frozen stuff goes on first, then cold stuff, then shelf-stables, then medicine, chemicals, and breads...exceptions for large heavy things like cases of water or soda...those stay in the cart and become the foundation for the packed bags, obviously. That way frozen stuff gets bagged first, and usually has polygonal packaging so it makes a good base at the bottom of the bag. Then the refrigerated stuff is kept cool from the frozen stuff on the bottom of the bag, and now when I go to unload everything, all the stuff that goes in the fridge is in the same bags. Naturally all the stuff that goes in the pantry, medicine cabinet, and under the sink/laundryroom are all together, too. Though sometimes I just don't bag and put all the stuff right back into my cart and load it up into a tote or a hamper in my trunk. Bagging groceries is ultimately a waste of time when you're just gonna unbag them in 10 minutes anyway)
There are some self evaluation tests you can take if you're interested (not hard to find on google), though none are perfect, high scores are a pretty good indication. That whole explanation definitely sounds like something an autistic person would do.
I mean there's more to being autistic that just that kind of thing, but that does sound pretty close to my kinds of routines - arrived at through thoughtful trial and error. Self knowledge is always useful - especially learning what your "failure modes" might be (overstimulation, shutdowns, etc.) which can be really harmful if you don't know what's happening, and how to deal with it. I'm still learning a lot of that, but making progress at the moment.
Having a physical planner and writing in it using only pencil helps me a lot to budget energy. I plan out all energy consuming activities ahead for each week. I plan to do 5 stressful tasks each day, but what counts as stressful changes constantly, which is why I write in pencil. If I don't have the energy for something on one day I will erase and reschedule it and write something less demanding as a task, otherwise I always have to do what's on the list. I am not allowed to do more than 5 stressful things even on a good day, because then I usually overwork myself, and I have to plan in recovery time after an especially demanding day. Also, I break down big tasks beforehand, so I can be as specific as possible with my task setting (Goblintools can help with that). I use a physical planner because it gets me off of my phone and because I can remember stuff better when I write it down by hand, and I use pencil so I don't have to cross out unfinished tasks and be reminded of "failing" when looking back.
So yeah, TLDR: an analog planner with strict rules on how to budget energy and some flexibility to acommodate fluctuating energy levels
I second the physical planner. The way I use it has changed over decades to meet my needs at the time. But I really enjoy that I can look back on the record and reflect. It helps me know what's working, what's not, understand my current feelings sometimes -- (like oh yeah, I'm exhausted because I was sick then had to travel and its only been 3 days of home). Helps me be a little kinder to myself, and sometimes im really proud of what I've accomplished. That pride could easily been lost in the noise of life if I didn't have that longer term physical record.
Right now, I like a weekly agenda that gives me enough room to track a few things each day and a memo section next to it for a weekly to do list or whatever notes about what comes up. My point here is just that for anyone interested in such a habit, you dont need to allocate a lot of time to make it useful to you.
Mainly through experience. I also keep a diary where I mainly track my mood and energy levels and what I did each day. That way I can look back on it and see trends. By now I know for example that doctor's appointments are comparatively stressful for me, because I often crash afterwards. Then I adjust the expected stress level by how I feel each day (the most difficult part is figuring that out, but I'm also trying to get better at that) to anticipate how much energy it will cost me, than change my plans if neccessary.
A mid range smart watch does double duty for me; I can quickly pause white noise or music to talk to people so I can wear my over ear headphones at all times and have schedule alarms that aren't as obnoxious as my phone alarms
Noise cancelling headphones, not just for avoiding other people's noise in general but also to make noisier tasks easier. Vacuum, blender, cooking in general with all the loud pots and pans, fans, drill, epilator, electric toothbrush. I either avoided them or tried to get them over with as quickly as possible and did a haphazard job, they've helped me in about every aspect of my life.
It was a pretty big shift for me when I realized that a big part of my mood was tied to my sensory load. Using tools like earplugs or shades makes life go better when my nervous system decides to flare up and make everything loud, bright and annoying.
So this is silly for me lol. Normal is baseline. What is normal is basically what is most common. Autism is not common. Thus, autism is not normal, and pretending it is is weird for me.
I've seen one person react badly to this notion so I need to add I am not really aiming to make someone's day worse here and I am not one to try and push that as at the end of the day it changes little...but also perceiving autism as personality seems harmful. You can change your personality. You have to work around autism.
But I can see hoe this may help people who feel burdened by it. I am opposite lol, idea I may have autism feel kinda liberating because it means I did best I could given my circumstances.
Even if someone's "autistic" you don't know shit about how that individual person actually works. So instead of putting people into "neurotypical" and "atypical" buckets, why not treat EVERYONE as a unique constellation of traits and preferences and abilities without judging some traits, preferences, and abilities as morally "better"?
The fact you see it like this makes me feel you're not autistic, maybe even enjoying company with people
When's the last time you said something normal and had everyone smirk at the same time or pause for awkwardly long moment just for every following interaction of you to be made a joke in the group or to be isolated or not invited from any meetings as to not ruin it
I don't really know how you see the world but it can't be that positively if you don't value respect, so i only hang out with kind people, that yes also do the same awkward reactions but followed with care and love instead, which makes it feel forced at times because it's the only type of reaction, kindness
Not having to consider all of this is much more mentally calming and not as tiresome to deal with from managing people's feelings as well, and i've grown to only see human interaction as bodily need to satisfy every now and then rather than something to look forwards to
I think a lot of us do this already, but I regain energy by spending time with my special interests and by stimming. I need to do both daily while being alone.
I also like to be with my family, but I also really need that alone time when I can shake my legs and fidget and read about bats or something.
Consistently working out, the routine and predictably of it is surprisingly good for the mental side. It has done wonders for my emotional regulation and actually learning to notice emotions in my body, kinda like mindfulness meditation. Under the barbell i am forced to focus on my body and how my body reacts and moves, even after working out. Figuring out how my body functions as i was never handed a manual to run it.
Every time i bend over or squat down to pick something up, the weakened muscles remind themselves and once again force me to focus on my body making memmore aware of it or just flex, not for showing off reasons. Just for my own pleasure.
Of course the physical side is an added benefit as well.
It has become the highlight of my day and i am in a worse mood if i miss it or it gets disrupted, which is rare.
Added benefit is that others are assuming I'm highly disciplined as well.
Edit: dieting aspect as well. Fully tracking my calories and weighing food and myself and eating rather monotone meals up to the same meal every morning.
Makes me look even more disciplined and health conscious.
am I the only one who finds what I do to deal with life is tough enough and can't imagine adding to it. Its like I want to read the list but it also feels like it will be exhausting just to read.
Years before I had the bulbs (or self-awareness) to do this, but dim the lights, switch to wall lights / upside-down ceiling lampshades, kill the lights… and suddenly I’m not constantly a bunch of seething snakes
Um, I gave up and went through a period of acute suicidality that required intervention. I didn't die, but the parts of me that worried about stuff sure did.
I am much happier now because I know now that I can check myself literally whenever I want.
So, you know, however you want to clean up the phrasing on that, I guess.
My significant other went through something similar. He said when you have nothing left to live for, nothing really matters. And then nothing really matters, you can do whatever you want. And that freed him from everything that was holding him back.
When talking to people try to see what they want. Do they wanna hear a story? They want advice? They want an ear to do catharsis? Sometimes just ask even. Sounds stupid to ask but it helps.
Using that one as a segway. People just sometimes assume that something is like that if you say it with enough confidence I learned a little bit of acting so I go by the character and pretend I have the confidence. One great example I used loads of time at work is sometimes I go to some people and if I say "ya know I have my stupid question of the week voucher and I'm gonna use it with you" then ask whatever I need to know usually when I think they assume I know something I do not really know. Trick is I totally invented that dynamic and I do not keep track of it and ask away.
That's masking, and it's harmful to you - the energy you have to spend to maintain that will eventually lead to burnout. Speaking frombitter experience here. Your interlocutor has no such energy expenditure, so it's easy for them.
That’s masking, and it’s harmful to you - the energy you have to spend to maintain that will eventually lead to burnout. Speaking frombitter experience here.
Yes and no. If they are straining or pretending, then yes. The first part, about them trying to see what other people want, can be very draining. But the other part, about simply asking questions, can be very healthy.
If a person with red-green colorblindness is constantly straining to try to tell the difference between the colors, that can be unhealthy. If they pretend their eyes are perfect and they can see colors easily, they will have multiple problems.
But asking someone you trust to tell you what the color is, can help everyone involved. And figuring out a no-stress way of asking, can be beneficial.
That "segway", a branded electric scooter, has replaced "segue", a connecting topic in discussion, is so delightful to me. Like we're all security guards scooting along in the great mall of conversation.
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Leave your phone on do-not-disturb, and inform anyone you give your number to that the phone is always on DND so they shouldn't expect you to answer or have an immediate response.
Never debate anything with strangers on the Internet. It's just a waste of time, as in the best case scenario nothing actually changes. It's not worth the time, frustration, emotional toll or being the target of insults. Just tell anyone looking to argue with you that they're right, that they're always right without exception, and then walk away.
I've turned off read receipts on signal and feel so much less pressure to instantly reply to things and always be available
You can just fucking do that?
On signal, under the privacy settings you have these options. It means I can't see when people have read my messages but they can't see when I've read theirs. They'll know because I'll respond when I have time. It stopped me cowering from my messages and keeping them hanging around as notifications.
High five, thank you!
I enjoy debating things online sometimes. I get satisfaction from laying out my argument for what I think, and often it helps me identify and challenge my own hypocrisies. I don't expect to be able to change the other person's mind, but it has helped me change my own beliefs for the better. And I like to think it can persuade others who hadn't given it much thought before.
It really depends on who the Internet randomly assigns you to debate with. Yes, you can get a knowledgeable, polite and pragmatic person who will help you find flaws in your own logic. More often than not, though, you'll face off against people who will call you a cultist, say you're an idiot, question your abilities, and/or tell you to fuck off.
That's why I think debating is better done in person, with people you know at least tangentially. They're less likely to be raging jerks, and if they are, you can avoid them in the future. On the Internet, those jerks will follow you everywhere on the platform and hound you.
Amongst my coworkers we tell each other to "Stay sane".
Sane = smile and nod, escape
breathe and speak slower, it helps you think about what you’re going to say, avoiding over sharing
I didn't realise how much of a problem this can be for me until I read this comment. I'm gonna try to implement these changes ASAP.
Whoa ... slow down and breathe
but but gotta go fast!!!
I literally read this in my head with an overly-fast excited voice lol
Tbf I wouldnt count those two as comparable.
Maybe it seemed so in the situation but reading it like this in a vacuum...Not equal at all.
One is cheeky social fun with mates, the other involves multiple taboo and touchy subjects (specially in corporate spaces). Like sex and hierarchy and cheating.
it’s so hard to avoid it cause it doesn’t sound any wrong in our minds
Rapid breathing also directly causes anxiety, it flips your physical flight or fight button and your brain doesn’t know why so you get anxiety. It’s why yoga and meditation are so frequently suggested as aids to help relieve anxiety
I learned this through talking with my 100 year-old grandmother. She can't hear well and I had to learn to speak slower and choose my words better.
Every morning I listen to a radio program. From monday to friday, the program follows the same schedule so I know without having to look at any watch, what am I doing during my morning routine. I know at what part of the program I brush my teeth, or heat the water for the tea, or do my skincare or leave the house.
Since the program is well structured and punctual, my schedule for the morning is well organized, I don't skip any step of it and am always on time. Something extremely important for me as if my morning routine fails for whatever reason, the rest of the day is guaranteed to be a mess.
I also have a shower playlist. My showers last 3 minutes, 4 tops. Having a playlist of songs no longer than 4 minutes, makes me know if I'm on time or I should already leave the shower.
Also, as others recommended, earplugs for when you need noise reduction. I use the Loop Switch ones as I can switch control the level of noise reduction with a small switch on them without having to take them off.
I do this by having a whole bunch of alarms set every certain period of time like 10 minutes or half an hour or whatever. And when the alarm goes off, I know where I should be in my schedule so I know if I’m running fast or if I’m running late. I hate rushing so this method really helps keep me on track and calm.
I second the noise canceling device; for me personally, I got the QuietOn 4, which are basically glorified earplugs with ANC for 200€. I use them for sleep, but together with my overear ANC headphones I can make my surrounding world genuinely quiet. The baby crying in the train is like a whisper, the car driving by isn't really noticeable, and regular talking gets blended out almost completely. I managed to sleep in a bus with a combination of these two; while one ANC layer on their own isn't really enough, if you combine two I can create a quietness bubble around me. Absolutely 100% worth it, it is really as amazing as it sounds.
This is a brilliant idea thank you!
The best one so far was sitting down with my spouse and making lists:
This means if one of us just can't the other has a list of things they can take over, they know what can be dropped so they don't also get overwhelmed, as well as a list of items to grab to help the other meet their needs.
Another one that is very helpful is the ability to pause conversations and come back to them when we're more able to participate. We agree that conflicts and other serious discussions require us both to be able to listen and understand. If we can't do that, we are wasting time, getting stressed out, etc. We let the other know, and maybe throw it in the calendar to make sure we don't forget.
These are the things that help me: Earplugs. I prefer these ones https://www.amazon.ca/3M-Non-corded-Disposable-Earplugs-Pairs/dp/B000I7LH8Y but you might have some luck with Loops as well. I would like those except they don't fit one of my ears very well.
Light-filtering Glasses. Sunglasses are good for outdooes, but I also have a pair of FL-41 coated glasses. They are meant for migraine sufferers, but I swear they make processing easier when I wear them. https://www.theraspecs.com/fl-41-glasses/
Stop trying to live your life according to the standard, accepted template. It's really important to decide what you value in life and reject the judgments of others. You have to figure out how to be okay with, or enjoy, being outcast. It's not so bad once you figure that out. https://www.amazon.ca/Courage-Be-Disliked-Phenomenon-Happiness/dp/1668069539
Try custom molded earplugs if you like wearing them frequently. I have to wear them at work, and was tired of them getting dirty and throwing them out. I've been wearing the same pair of custom molded plugs for years now. Just wash them with hand soap whenever they get dirty, and they're good as new. They are also much more comfortable than the ones that rely on expansion to stay in place.
https://www.amazon.ca/Radians-Custom-Molded-Earplugs-Red/dp/B002XULPSQ
OK, yeah I will give these a shot. I really don't like the disposable factor of the earplugs, but the 3M ones I likes are the only ones that arent uncomfortable and fit well. If i can find a reusable that does the same job, I'd like that.
Is that why I love my over-ear headphones so much‽ I got them to minimise background noise for music production lol. Explains why I want to wear them even if I don't feel like listening to anything at that moment.
I'm okay with being an outcast, but I want some outcast friends :/
I would love to wear more earplugs, but no matter what I do, I always seem to get ear infection after wearing them.
I second the ear plugs. I have several pairs. Use them frequently. Wish I had them as a kid.
Wearing a mask. Oh my god. People finally stopped commenting on my stupid face. No more "why so sad?" Or "it can't be that bad" or "cheer up" or "where's a smile!" Just leave my fucking resting sad bitch face alone! And now they doooooo and its so much better because I don't have to devote brain power to remembering idiots care about my mouth at all.
I fricken loved this aspect of the COVID times. People were so much more friendly toward me by default when we all wore masks.
I still wear one. People might look at me strangely, but outside of doctors asking if I'm wearing it for a specific reason no one comments on it. Which is good!
What type of mask?
Werewolf
Usually a medical face mask.
Years ago my old vacuum cleaner finally broke and I was looking for a new one, but then my car broke down so instead of the new vacuum my money went to fixing the car. So I was without a vacuum and had to brush the floor clean.. And yeah. It's so, so, so much better. Quiet, doesn't get stuck, doesn't flip to it's back, no cord, doesn't smell like dust.. Now when I clean the floors I no longer feel THE ANGERY which would be enough to make me kill a kitten in the process.
Fuck vacuums. Unless you have carpet floor, you don't really need them. It's just marketing.
I use a broom with a shovely part and also a "squeegee" that is usually used to try the shower room floor. And I of course mop the floors between few months. Rugs I spank outdoors.
Only downside is that if I mention that I don't own a vacuum, it has made people call me gross and I have gotten questions like "do you even mop like ever!?" when I have already said that I use a brush instead. Almost no house has carpet floor in this country.
Just fuck vacuum cleaners. All my homies hate vacuum cleaners.
EDIT// Haha I think broom is better word than brush, I meant that one.
Here I was, imagining you sitting on the floor with a brush! Lol. Brooms are nice! When the bristles are good and not mangled. Had a cat that looooved chewing on the bristles!
Brush would still win a vacuum cleaner! And the cat here does the same. :3
The robot ones are quiet as well if people prefer that
My cats sure do, although they'll just lay on the floor and let it bounce off them, slightly better than having to retrieve them from the ultra secret hiding place I didn't know existed until it became relevant though.
This might be the ADHD more than anything, but making alarms on my phone changed my life. I used to forget important things all the time, but then I started making alarms for the most important stuff, and all of a sudden I stopped forgetting them!
Nowadays I'll make an alarm for everything. I said I'd go get groceries after I finish this episode of my TV show? Better make an alarm for 7 minutes from now. I'm going to the store to buy eggs? Better make an alarm titled "eggs" to go off at the store in case I get distracted by something.
At this point I open my alarms app automatically any time there's anything at all to remember. I have dozens of concurrent alarms, and it's great.
Lol I'm constantly scrolling to get to the later in the day alarms like 7pm because the list is so large
I like this one, I also yell at my phone to remind me stuff all the time
I look at and treat humanity as if I'm observing and interacting with wild animals.
I also look at and treat all non-human chordates the way other people deal with people
Constantly reminding myself that if people do something all the time, I should be able to do it. I just need to figure out how they're doing it as the first step. Yeah I still embarrass myself sometimes but it's taken me a lot further than just avoiding doing things or ducking assignments because I was afraid of the consequences of not knowing what to do.
Stop catering to the expectations neurotypicals seem to have. You will never do right by them. Accept that they're usually wrong about things when it comes to what you can and cannot do, and do your best to tune them out any way you can. You know what you can and cannot do. Don't let them dictate where your limits lie.
Wearing exclusively loose/comfortable clothing, and having short hair.
Suddenly I had more mental bandwidth for a lot since I wasn’t constantly stressed by subconsciously processing extra sensory input.
YMMV to personal taste; adjust accordingly.
This is absolutely what I have done and I cannot go back. Short bob cut, looks adorable and quirky and I’ve been sewing my own clothing for a few years now. Oversized clothing is fun as hell to make.
Instead of avoiding eye contact, focus on the bridge of their nose.
They can’t tell you aren’t looking them in the eye.
Yes! My mum taught me this trick when I was very young and it’s worked so well.
To build on the conversation theme, I’ve found that it takes less effort than you think to converse if you keep the focus on the other person. It just takes brief words of support, like cool/seriously?/that sounds great/awful/tiring/what have you. My go-to is “wild!” because it can be used positively or negatively and interpretation is up to them.
If they ask me about my own hobbies though, that strategy falls apart and I start breathlessly blabbing out WAY more details than I should. Haven’t figured out a solution to that yet. Easier not to volunteer anything personal and keep it on them.
I’ve found I’m quite good at socializing despite being on the spectrum. It was not a natural thing and was quite studied.
Writing that helped immensely with understanding body language and social cues was actually a bit of a con artists book: How to make people like you in 30 seconds.
It gave great insight into what I had a hard time understanding on my own: the social fabric explained.
As someone who constantly learns and tries to apply that knowledge, having all the social cues laid out in a way to practice on just about anyone was very eye opening and freeing.
Headphones and loud music
This is definitely one for me. My flavor of audio sensitivity seems to mean that aural stimulation satisfies some ADHD part of my AuDHD brain. I can be coding at work or doing some very chill tasks in my yard, being present in the moment and acting with intention and being all zen about it, but there is industrial or thrash metal blasting in my ears that nobody else can hear. (with the setting enabled to keep it below damaging decibel levels)
I only speak to people when I'm not upset. If I get upset, I need at least 30 mins alone to calm down and if you try to communicate with me during that, you'll have a bad time. I also need time to prepare for and recover from social situations or overstimulating situations. Just those two have made a world of difference. I should also add that I have AuDHD, so it's a bit different than people with only autism.
Rejecting society standard about "good living habits" and just do what I can
Being allowed to do things my way, even if it makes no sense to others. I do lots of things differently to everyone else, because they work for me, and the people I live with are respectful of that. I've had to make lots of changes recently due to being in Autistic burnout, and that has resulted in me doing even more things "my way". Sometimes, when I'm struggling with speaking, it means saying things very briefly - one or two words, like "tea?" instead of "do you want a cup of tea?" or "out" when I need to leave a shop because it's overwhelming me. Other times, it's just being allowed to do my grounding routines, like getting my breakfast in peace, because I get muddled or distracted if someone is hovering round me in the kitchen while I do it.
This comment resonates with me big time.
As far as doing things my own way, I have intentionally taken on some big projects in my hobbies over the past couple years, and I have intentionally avoided getting help on them even if it's offered freely, and even if that means it takes me 5x longer to get it done. The outcome is not only better, but more importantly the process itself is much more rewarding and therapeutic because I did it my way. I redid what I wanted to, I focused on what I wanted to, I took breaks and recharged according to my own body, and I have detailed first principles knowledge of how the entire thing came together.
I haven't really thought about the difficulty speaking and shortening it to single words, but the difficulty getting out those simple phrases sounds like some of my past experiences. Especially as somebody with a very verbose internal dialogue.
Same with sometimes just not wanting another person there while I'm getting shit done, even if they are a loved one with a friendly demeanor.
Collaboration can be good too, but on your own terms. Agree that knowing how things tick is a huge part of why I like doing things that way.
Oh for sure. One nice part about my current job is feeling like being part of a functioning team.
Constant isolation isn't necessary or good. But for certain personal projects that I am designing and building from scratch, solo can be so nice.
I tend to prefer to be the helper rather than the helped! Feeling part of a good team is important, and I had that for a while a couple of years back, but management spoilt it and destroyed what we had. I'm still in contact with some of those team-mates, but we've all left one way or another.
So, Hi, I stumbled here from
all, and now I think I might be autistic.Like, feeling stressed out and overwhelmed because of a break in routine or not being able to do things my way (because any other way is inferior and this is why...I took the time to find the best way to do it, through repetition and trial and error. Like loading groceries on the conveyor belt at the supermarket...frozen stuff goes on first, then cold stuff, then shelf-stables, then medicine, chemicals, and breads...exceptions for large heavy things like cases of water or soda...those stay in the cart and become the foundation for the packed bags, obviously. That way frozen stuff gets bagged first, and usually has polygonal packaging so it makes a good base at the bottom of the bag. Then the refrigerated stuff is kept cool from the frozen stuff on the bottom of the bag, and now when I go to unload everything, all the stuff that goes in the fridge is in the same bags. Naturally all the stuff that goes in the pantry, medicine cabinet, and under the sink/laundryroom are all together, too. Though sometimes I just don't bag and put all the stuff right back into my cart and load it up into a tote or a hamper in my trunk. Bagging groceries is ultimately a waste of time when you're just gonna unbag them in 10 minutes anyway)
There are some self evaluation tests you can take if you're interested (not hard to find on google), though none are perfect, high scores are a pretty good indication. That whole explanation definitely sounds like something an autistic person would do.
I mean there's more to being autistic that just that kind of thing, but that does sound pretty close to my kinds of routines - arrived at through thoughtful trial and error. Self knowledge is always useful - especially learning what your "failure modes" might be (overstimulation, shutdowns, etc.) which can be really harmful if you don't know what's happening, and how to deal with it. I'm still learning a lot of that, but making progress at the moment.
Having a physical planner and writing in it using only pencil helps me a lot to budget energy. I plan out all energy consuming activities ahead for each week. I plan to do 5 stressful tasks each day, but what counts as stressful changes constantly, which is why I write in pencil. If I don't have the energy for something on one day I will erase and reschedule it and write something less demanding as a task, otherwise I always have to do what's on the list. I am not allowed to do more than 5 stressful things even on a good day, because then I usually overwork myself, and I have to plan in recovery time after an especially demanding day. Also, I break down big tasks beforehand, so I can be as specific as possible with my task setting (Goblintools can help with that). I use a physical planner because it gets me off of my phone and because I can remember stuff better when I write it down by hand, and I use pencil so I don't have to cross out unfinished tasks and be reminded of "failing" when looking back.
So yeah, TLDR: an analog planner with strict rules on how to budget energy and some flexibility to acommodate fluctuating energy levels
I second the physical planner. The way I use it has changed over decades to meet my needs at the time. But I really enjoy that I can look back on the record and reflect. It helps me know what's working, what's not, understand my current feelings sometimes -- (like oh yeah, I'm exhausted because I was sick then had to travel and its only been 3 days of home). Helps me be a little kinder to myself, and sometimes im really proud of what I've accomplished. That pride could easily been lost in the noise of life if I didn't have that longer term physical record.
Right now, I like a weekly agenda that gives me enough room to track a few things each day and a memo section next to it for a weekly to do list or whatever notes about what comes up. My point here is just that for anyone interested in such a habit, you dont need to allocate a lot of time to make it useful to you.
Ohh how do you tell if a task is going to be stressful or not?
Mainly through experience. I also keep a diary where I mainly track my mood and energy levels and what I did each day. That way I can look back on it and see trends. By now I know for example that doctor's appointments are comparatively stressful for me, because I often crash afterwards. Then I adjust the expected stress level by how I feel each day (the most difficult part is figuring that out, but I'm also trying to get better at that) to anticipate how much energy it will cost me, than change my plans if neccessary.
Ah man that sounds awesome, but the executive function necessary to run all of that has the ADHD of my auDHD self curling up into a ball
A mid range smart watch does double duty for me; I can quickly pause white noise or music to talk to people so I can wear my over ear headphones at all times and have schedule alarms that aren't as obnoxious as my phone alarms
Oh! The watch alarms are a huge one. It is way nicer to wake up to and great if you and a partner have different schedules.
Noise cancelling headphones, not just for avoiding other people's noise in general but also to make noisier tasks easier. Vacuum, blender, cooking in general with all the loud pots and pans, fans, drill, epilator, electric toothbrush. I either avoided them or tried to get them over with as quickly as possible and did a haphazard job, they've helped me in about every aspect of my life.
It was a pretty big shift for me when I realized that a big part of my mood was tied to my sensory load. Using tools like earplugs or shades makes life go better when my nervous system decides to flare up and make everything loud, bright and annoying.
Noise cancelling headphones, especially airpods pro. I wear them basically when I go out anywhere there are a lot of people
Don't think of autism as a disease. It's just your personality. The stigma on autism make people "diagnosed" with it think they're weird.
The truth is: everyone is weird. It's just there's a bunch of weirdos trying to make you think you're weird so they can pretend they're "normal".
So this is silly for me lol. Normal is baseline. What is normal is basically what is most common. Autism is not common. Thus, autism is not normal, and pretending it is is weird for me.
I've seen one person react badly to this notion so I need to add I am not really aiming to make someone's day worse here and I am not one to try and push that as at the end of the day it changes little...but also perceiving autism as personality seems harmful. You can change your personality. You have to work around autism.
But I can see hoe this may help people who feel burdened by it. I am opposite lol, idea I may have autism feel kinda liberating because it means I did best I could given my circumstances.
The truth is, nobody is normal once you get to know them.
No.
100%
Even if someone's "autistic" you don't know shit about how that individual person actually works. So instead of putting people into "neurotypical" and "atypical" buckets, why not treat EVERYONE as a unique constellation of traits and preferences and abilities without judging some traits, preferences, and abilities as morally "better"?
Diary and reading books
I do not need human contact anymore
Isolation. Insanely healthy stuff.
The fact you see it like this makes me feel you're not autistic, maybe even enjoying company with people
When's the last time you said something normal and had everyone smirk at the same time or pause for awkwardly long moment just for every following interaction of you to be made a joke in the group or to be isolated or not invited from any meetings as to not ruin it
I don't really know how you see the world but it can't be that positively if you don't value respect, so i only hang out with kind people, that yes also do the same awkward reactions but followed with care and love instead, which makes it feel forced at times because it's the only type of reaction, kindness
Not having to consider all of this is much more mentally calming and not as tiresome to deal with from managing people's feelings as well, and i've grown to only see human interaction as bodily need to satisfy every now and then rather than something to look forwards to
I think a lot of us do this already, but I regain energy by spending time with my special interests and by stimming. I need to do both daily while being alone.
I also like to be with my family, but I also really need that alone time when I can shake my legs and fidget and read about bats or something.
Explaining it to people. It's hard, but people eventually understand
Consistently working out, the routine and predictably of it is surprisingly good for the mental side. It has done wonders for my emotional regulation and actually learning to notice emotions in my body, kinda like mindfulness meditation. Under the barbell i am forced to focus on my body and how my body reacts and moves, even after working out. Figuring out how my body functions as i was never handed a manual to run it.
Every time i bend over or squat down to pick something up, the weakened muscles remind themselves and once again force me to focus on my body making memmore aware of it or just flex, not for showing off reasons. Just for my own pleasure.
Of course the physical side is an added benefit as well.
It has become the highlight of my day and i am in a worse mood if i miss it or it gets disrupted, which is rare.
Added benefit is that others are assuming I'm highly disciplined as well.
Edit: dieting aspect as well. Fully tracking my calories and weighing food and myself and eating rather monotone meals up to the same meal every morning. Makes me look even more disciplined and health conscious.
I'm just doing it for fun and i find it easier.
I love lifting heavy because I simply cannot think about anything while under the weight.
Don't look at yourself in the mirror. Adjust the bathroom vanity, if you can, so you don't have to see yourself.
This advice sounds concerningly helpful to me. Uh oh
Getting a pair of glasses with FL-41 lenses.
Got these in my last prescription update, used to get visual migraines, not anymore so yes they work.
am I the only one who finds what I do to deal with life is tough enough and can't imagine adding to it. Its like I want to read the list but it also feels like it will be exhausting just to read.
Years before I had the bulbs (or self-awareness) to do this, but dim the lights, switch to wall lights / upside-down ceiling lampshades, kill the lights… and suddenly I’m not constantly a bunch of seething snakes
Um, I gave up and went through a period of acute suicidality that required intervention. I didn't die, but the parts of me that worried about stuff sure did.
I am much happier now because I know now that I can check myself literally whenever I want.
So, you know, however you want to clean up the phrasing on that, I guess.
My significant other went through something similar. He said when you have nothing left to live for, nothing really matters. And then nothing really matters, you can do whatever you want. And that freed him from everything that was holding him back.
This is basically optimistic nihilism.
Once you accept that there is no "plan" and nothing you do matters, the only things that matter are the things you choose to do.
You are the master of your own destiny, for all the good and bad that it implies.
That's exactly what he called it lol.
For my adhd, slowing down. Taking slower options not always getting there as quickly as possible
Absolutely! Currently trying to help my kids to understand how much of a life-changer this is.
Look between the eyes.
And general advice... there are around 10 or so major groups with similiar symptoms. Then there's AuDHD, Aspergers...
A few things:
When talking to people try to see what they want. Do they wanna hear a story? They want advice? They want an ear to do catharsis? Sometimes just ask even. Sounds stupid to ask but it helps. Using that one as a segway. People just sometimes assume that something is like that if you say it with enough confidence I learned a little bit of acting so I go by the character and pretend I have the confidence. One great example I used loads of time at work is sometimes I go to some people and if I say "ya know I have my stupid question of the week voucher and I'm gonna use it with you" then ask whatever I need to know usually when I think they assume I know something I do not really know. Trick is I totally invented that dynamic and I do not keep track of it and ask away.
That's masking, and it's harmful to you - the energy you have to spend to maintain that will eventually lead to burnout. Speaking frombitter experience here. Your interlocutor has no such energy expenditure, so it's easy for them.
Yes and no. If they are straining or pretending, then yes. The first part, about them trying to see what other people want, can be very draining. But the other part, about simply asking questions, can be very healthy.
If a person with red-green colorblindness is constantly straining to try to tell the difference between the colors, that can be unhealthy. If they pretend their eyes are perfect and they can see colors easily, they will have multiple problems.
But asking someone you trust to tell you what the color is, can help everyone involved. And figuring out a no-stress way of asking, can be beneficial.
That "segway", a branded electric scooter, has replaced "segue", a connecting topic in discussion, is so delightful to me. Like we're all security guards scooting along in the great mall of conversation.
ear plugs. life changing.
I'm not smart enough to answer this. Is social anxiety or extreme shyness autism? If so, then I have a lot of coping mechanisms.
Try reading Unmasking Autism and see if it clicks.
I'll see if my local library can get it. Thx.
Having help to form groups at university, it makes me less stressed about classes I know they will be in group and i don't know ppl there.