[Silly Thought Exercise] What over-the-top absurd person would you choose to replace Biden who you think could actually body Trump, and why?
EDIT: Thanks so much everyone. Great answers. This has been fun. Keep it going as long as you want!
DISCLAIMER: Silly Thought Exercise: NOT AN ENDORSEMENT OF REPLACING BIDEN. I personally do not think replacing Biden is a good idea at this stage in the election. I think that's more dangerous than keeping him, sadly, but he's who we've got. I'm just looking for shitposty thoughts on this question, please and thank you.
What-over-the-top absurd person would you choose to replace Biden who you think could actually body Trump, and why?
For an example, my choice would be based on the idea that the only thing that makes a bully like Trump wilt is a bigger bully. Secondly, US citizens love trash talking and sports and absolutely will vote for someone who is already famous, they certainly love their celebrities. Finally, what better sport for trash talk than basketball?
In that, my choice would be basketball legend Larry Bird. (he's famously apolitical, so it's hard to know if he would actually be politically aligned against Trump.)
...but, the thing is, Larry Bird is a masterclass trash talker.
And that is really what throws Trump off and throws him into obscene tantrums where his composure is lost and he comes off like a whining loser: when he's been taken down a peg by someone else. Nothing sticks deeper in his craw. I don't think he could handle Larry Bird's level of shit-talk, Bird is like god-tier.
I can imagine Bird calling Trump out and saying he can smell his shit-filled diaper from across the auditorium, obviously Bird would describe more colorfully than I. The thing is, I can also see that absolutely throwing Trump into hysterics.
Also, at 67 Bird's a fucking spring chicken compared to Biden or Trump.
So, I'm hoping for answers that are a bit silly, like this. Larry Bird is obviously not actually a good choice for this. I just like chuckling at the idea, because real life has gotten so absurd I need to hide in even deeper absurdity.
What's your absurd Biden replacement? Please, I think we could use some laughs.
I think Weird Al Yankovic would be the perfect opponent. The absurdity of a political debate where Trump spouts absolute nonsense in a perfectly serious manor while Al lays serious facts in the most nonsensical form would be the show of the century and weird Al has better qualifications for the job by trumps standards having maintained cultural relevancy and financial stability for 4 decades. Plus he's jest super likeable.
He's also a perfect counterpoint as a healthy representative of the Christian religion. It's the reason he doesn't curse in his songs. He's a good clean, Christian boy!
Would they let him respond to debate questions in song with his accordion? Dear GOD I hope so.
...with Vice President... hang on I'm having trouble reading this... Hot Saucerman? Shock Jockerman? Trick Shotterman? Yacht Rockerman? Who is this guy??
People would just point out that the whole thing is Al generated though.
If he ever makes another album, I think you just named it.
Weird Al - Al Generated
Deja Vu (but Worse)
There are days I just want Terry Crews to run as Camacho. Don't know where he stands on shit but he can physically crush an opposing world leader and that seems like a start.
Sacha Baron Cohen.
The appeal of Trump's rhetoric and populist message is entirely subconscious, and doesn't stand up to even a few moments of critical analysis. Baron Cohen has a genius-level understanding of how to get into people's heads, and what's more, he can do it fluently, on-the-fly. His U.S. presidential candidate character would totally dismantle MAGA.
Isn't he British?
The guy seems to be able to sweet talk his way in to any room and convince people to do and say the most humiliating things on camera. If him being British become an issue I think he can just act his way out of it and somehow everyone will believe him in spite of it being a publicly known fact.
This is fantasy, who cares. Lots of non-US-born people have been suggested and a bunch of fictional people got suggested, so whatever, you know?
I'd take Ali G Inda(White)house.
Yes, but he gets so deep into character, he could turn American!
JohnStewartEdit: Sorry I meant his brother, Jon Stewart
I don't know John Stewart, but Jon Stewart would be an interesting choice.
At this point I'd take either the superhero or the comedian
Fixed
I'm not even sure if this one is silly as much as it is serious. Too bad Stewart would never want the job!
Not wanting the job is a good thing. That's how it should be...
I don’t care if he doesn’t want the job
I think Biden has done great stuff (domestically 🙁) and I would expect good policies from him and obviously a dead plant would be a better president than Trump, but his debate performance is kinda hard to put a good spin on
And therefore it is clear that what the world needs to see is a Jon Stewart vs Donald Trump debate
I would be so excited to vote for a Biden/Stewart ticket!!! Jon could continue to do Daily Show Mondays for now, and then take over when it's time!
Like the emoluments clause matters any more. He can just collect his salary after he leaves office, as a treat.
“… because this cannot be real life! It just can’t!”
Just Stewart.
Bill Burr or Jon Stewart, either one of them would absolutely crush Trump on a debate stage and people would line up to watch it.
I can almost hear Bill going "ohhh, shut the fuck up, ya fat ahrange piece a' shit!"
While I think Jon Stewart would make a better president than either of those jackasses, that would be such a cruel thing to do to such a good person.
I don't know that I want Jon Stewart as a POTUS, I just want him one on one with Trump and Trump isn't allowed to leave or call off the debate. Jon Stewart is what the Founding Fathers meant the press to be. They wanted the press to be a 4th check on government outside the separation of powers and not a mouthpieces of the government.
Vermin Supreme, because every American deserves a pony
Mister, Would You Please Help My Pony?
Leslie knope
K to the N to the O-P-E
She's the dopest little shorty in all Pawnee.. Indiana
But Joe Biden was Leslie's hero. She'd never run against him.
Taylor Swift. Not that I think she's absurd. I just think she'd have absolutely zero time for Trump's bullshit, and would probably write some very cutting lyrics about it.
Let's not pin cult leaders against each other now
Cult problems require cult solutions
Well, Marshall Mathers in his Slim Shady persona would be interesting. Not sure who I would pair him up with for VP though.
I figure after 4 years of Slim Shady as President, we would either have world peace or the world would be in pieces.
Dude, you forgot about Dre.
Dwayne Johnson is an incredible trash talker by the same logic and would own his candy ass
Stone Cold Steve Austin.
WHAT?
I had thought about some folks in that wheelhouse, too. Sometimes I really wish Macho Man Randy Savage was still around.
I don't know why my first thought was John Cena
Because Trump would never see him coming.
Mustard or Mayo?
Mr. T
"I pity the fool who doesn't vote for me!"
Why not go straight for the Ultimate Warrior, get him in a debate with Trump, and make the host cry?
A Martha Stewart/Snoop Dogg ticket would be interesting. I kinda want to see Snoop in the debate though so maybe a Snoop Dogg/Martha Stewart ticket.
If you want to guarantee a win though Oprah is the answer. Just to maximize Trump's rage I say we need Oprah/RuPaul 2024.
forget Martha Stewart – but Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson as heads of the DEA and FDA
Martha would throw biting sarcasm at him until he cried, and Snoop would just laugh his ass off. It would be wonderful.
Diane Morgan
...as Philomena Cunk.
Oh my god yes
I wouldn't have it any other way
No, as Mandy.
I found a guy on linkedin that has the same name, just slot him in and pretend nothing happened, wouldn't even have to change any of the campaign marketing. Dude looks to be in his 20s and manages a coffee place, definitely more than qualified.
I've been trying to watch her show and can't get into it. I'll give it another shot.
Oh yeah, Tig's a great choice, a very measured and cool head in response to his drivel.
Robert Evans – writer, comedian, conflict journalist, podcaster – Cracked, Bellingcat, Behind the Bastards, did a podcast from Rojava, and reported live from Portland’s George Floyd protests
Plus he has a great platform of nuking the great lakes!
sponsored by Raytheon and [Redacted]’s Child Hunting Island
Would absolutely lose Grand Rapids MI because of his friends though
I'm ootl here, what do you mean?
Do a search for "Jamie Loftus Grand Rapids"
Note: just a joke
You know who else would make a fine leader for these great united states?
the products and services sponsoring today’s show? they definitely won’t sell your kidneys, you have our word on that!
I was actually thinking about something similar today. We've already had an actor as president, then with Trump, we had a reality-TV star. Social media is the new "TV" for the younger generation, so it's only a matter of time before we have an influencer or a YouTube creator as a candidate, right? Let's see MrBeast go toe-to-toe with Trump.
Not even kidding, Mr.Beast would topple Trump way easy in elections; While he certainly is the type of person that knows to communicate with millions of people, I doubt he's a person that wants to be president. Making crazy internet content and leading a country are two different things after all.
“I’m giving 10 people one million dollars if the can pass House Appropriations Bill 5031.662.7H!”
At least Marques if we have to select from that pool.
The Rock. If you're going to sink your ship at least do it with style.
Go all in on milking generational divide and do like a Taylor Swift / Kendrick Lamar ticket. I definitely think either of them could do a better job at being president than our current batch of options.
That's an interesting point, I was actually kind of annoyed that Biden was insulting Trump as I saw it as stooping to his level, but your comment on that does make it seem like a valid strategy.
I don't think he could win, but for a laugh I'd love to see Hunter Biden replace Joe lol convicted felon vs convicted felon!
Joe Biden is way too classy to really insult him. I felt like he was just being honest about who Trump is and what he has done. If it's insulting, it's Trumps fault for that being who he really is.
Like, there's reports Trump actually did shit himself during the debate (Sorry about the link to X, can't find it elsewhere). Joe Biden is way too classy to call Trump out for such a thing.
I agree, though! Hunter is just done even trying to have any semblance of reasonableness or classiness with the right wingers, so he'd probably be like "Okay, fuck this, let's get dirty."
Okay okay hear me out.
Megatron.
Only is Starscream gets to be the VP
He is a revolutionary...
John Browns Body.
I think we would be better off with any rotting corpse over Trump, but old John at least fought for something good once
Paul Rudd.
No one will ever be able to complain about his age since he doesn't age and just owns a painting of himself that ages instead.
As Bobby Newport pls
Linus Torvalds or Theo de Raadt
Theo de Raadt. You get a baby mulching machine. And you get a baby mulching machine. Everybody gets a baby mulching machine!
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. We get the absurdity of a puppet and the entertainment of a puppet throwing insults at Trump.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natural-born-citizen_clause_(United_States)
That wasn't a requirment of the hypothetical fun internet situation.
What about the 61st amendment?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPBrt-mdNmQ
2003's Allow for Arnie movement: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equal_Opportunity_to_Govern_Amendment
The monkey's paw curls, and President Ted Cruz is inaugurated
Ted Cruz is a natural born citizen. He was born in Canada but his mother was an American citizen who met residency requirements to pass citizenship to him so he was a US citizen at birth.
I find it hard to believe he was naturally born.
I imagine Ted Cruz crawled out of the spawning pits.
🤮
Conan O'brien
Conan O'Biden
Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or maybe Cyclops or Magneto if we're allowed fictional characters. I think it would be funny
If we're going fictional characters, then Havelock Vetinari from the Discworld novels.
Hell yes. All Vetinari would have to do is raise an eyebrow.
Trump would kill himself in a week. Vetinari wouldn't even have to do anything except talk to his dog during the debate. Vetinari would even put through a request to the Assassins guild to make sure the price to beat was too high to have him assassinated. Just to make a point.
Oh hell yes. Barely know anything about him (just started reading Guards, Guards!) but yes.
You're in for a treat, my friend. I hope you love the book.
I'm loving it so far!
I could see trump being anti mutant
Yeah
obligatory demolition man clip. https://invidious.perennialte.ch/watch?v=Awr2YhW3HEE
Haha nice
I'll remind you that the "Allow For Arnie" campaign was a real thing.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equal_Opportunity_to_Govern_Amendment
Oh wow. TIL
By the standards of the American people, the candidate should be one of those blow up car dealership streamer guys and a Bluetooth speaker playing audio of hero monologues from 80's "step dad bait" action movies.
The presidency is not one person, it's an entire administration and general philosophy. We're fed a lie that these debates always matter, they matter when candidates are unknown and then have a forum to stand out as leaders and educate voters about a vision for the country. That's NOT the case here, the candidates are wholly known entities and these fucking debates absolutely do not matter.
The people in this country, in their immediate reaction to this debate, demonstrate that they just fundamentally lack the focus, empathv and frankly basic intelligence to process the substance of this or any debate. On average, we respond solely to voice pitch, tonality, body language and facial expressions, like a still developing toddler... Or a dog.
I mean, to be fair this is a human thing that is well known. It's been known since Nixon looked like hell next to young JFK, the first ever televised debate. Nixon boned it because he was sweaty and looked like shit.
It's been an issue of the television era ever since we began to focus on images instead of words. It's also an issue with public speeches.
I mean for fucks sake, JFK went to Berlin and gave a speech where he said "Ich bin ein Berliner" while a Berliner is a fucking donut and despite that confusion Germans went fucking wild cheering for him.
"What did he say? I am a donut? Whatever, he's awesome woooooooooooooo!"
Acting like it's just American citizens is fucking dumb. It's humans. It's an issue with video media, period.
I think the doughnut thing is actually just some folks wanting a laugh and trying to be witty. The phrase made sense as it was intended and was taken as such (a person from Berlin), and the fact that there is coincidentally also a doughnut given that name is unlikely to have registered in anyone's mind while present at the speech and if it did it probably wouldn't have merited much more than a smirk since it's not a mistake to have said that, it's just a funny coincidence.
I'm sure there's probably more than one pizzeria somewhere with a pizza on the menu called "New Yorker" and if someone said in a speech "I'm a New Yorker" no one's going to pissing themselves laughing at the person for being such a baffoon to have accidentally called themselves a pizza.
Berliner also means the people living in Berlin
Your own link says he was ok saying it as is. While Berliner is a donut it also is someone from Berlin.
You pasted the last paragraph twice.
Fixed.
Andrew Callaghan. Just sit there an ask Trump simple questions with a vibe so chill he self destructs without any outside interference.
Shit I was not aware of this. I’ve just seen his YouTube channel.
Walter Masterson makes similar content sometimes which I've been enjoying instead. His channel is a lot more opinionated overall though, and he makes better use of the political platform imo.
Yeah I do enjoy him but he’s definitely got a different vibe. Much more satirical.
He'd get the republikkklown votes.
When he does press appearances, he responds to journalists questions with... questions of his own.
Jesse "the Body" Ventura. Let's go full Senior Citizens Wrestling League with this.
Bring Orson Welles back from the dead
"Yes! Oh yes! They're even better when you're dead!"
Don't even. Just his dug-up skeleton.
*spills Paul Masson all over the debate stage.
Phoenix Wright seems like a good fit. A superb lawyer that went to countless court and win, debate is part of his job and Trump would be continually shut off.
Elon Musk! It's time for him to take over USA. Like he did with Twitter. Let that sink in!
Twitter has died. That shitshow is called X now.
I’m gonna keep deadnaming his company for as long as he keeps deadnaming his kid
Amen.
So now you do not chirp, you do xxx?
eX-Twitter
The United States of America is now known as X.
Everyone will have to call it 'the USA (now called X)'
Whatever happened to Whiplash? You know, that spider monkey that would dress up as a cowboy and ride around on a border collie at rodeos and in a few Taco John's commercials. Put him in there. The border collie can be his running mate... (get it? get it?)
It's Vermin Supreme's moment
SpongeBob
Idk why but Kelly Clarkson.
Mr. Nedib, who comes from somewhere far away. Yes, that'll do.
What about mister Snrub?
What if Kanye West actually came through? He can't be worse, right
Something something Austrian painter.
I believe you've actually found someone worse than Trump.
Dr. Jordan Peterson.
That tool is team Orange my dude.
I do love the idea of seeing team trump trash talk Peterson because he isn't a true believer anymore
Andrew Tate
Hookers and Bugattis for everyone..
We don't need 2 nazis debating each other
We already have that