so this is a bit of a vent post. somebody who i really really have a bad relationship to just contacted me because they need/want sth from me. it just kinda feels like i would help them if they weren't such a shitty person that continuously intends to hurt other people ...
::: spoiler cw: this might destroy quite a few illusions
after thinking about it for a long time, i cannot identify as a kitty cat, because i cannot accept meat to be my natural primary source of calories. oh how cruel it is to depend on killing others just to sustain yourself.
i do agree with the naps though. :3
:::
heheh story time
(i should mention that this story starts at 23:45 pm in my apartment)
so i just heard some vibrations in my apartment
rhythmic vibrations
it was clear that it was from music playing
so i took a walk to go around the building to see where the music was coming from
ok, comes from south
start marching
500 m later: ok, it's further away than i thought, but it's getting louder (i think)
or maybe they just turned up the volume for a moment
anyways, continue marching
1 km: i am at the train station. music still comes from south
continue marching
suddenly i am in perchtoldsdorf (i didn't even know that exists, is apparently the neighboring village to the city (where i live in))
that means i'm not in the city anymore
anyways, continue marching
after 7 (!!) km i arrive at the source of the music
some random festival 2(!) villages away from vienna
it was just some village festivity as they have them sometimes
anyways they drank lots of beer (and i can't drink alcohol)
also the festivity ended 5 minutes after i arrived
and so i just saw everyone coming out of the location
and going home
so i did the same
on my way home some random people talked to me
one asked me whether i was a boy or a girl
which was funny
i told them "am a boy" because didn't want to explain, they just looked at me with this "i do not believe you" stare
(btw i should mention i'm amab but currently questioning my gender and apparently it's very visible)
anyways
then i walked 7 km home
:)
this is a bit of a mixture between personal blog post and AMA (ask me anything) post. i'm just sharing my experiences of the last few years / months just because i want to connect to other people through my views and stories.
i've basically known my whole life (or at least since i can remember, i gained consciousness at around age 12 and that's where my earliest memories are from) that i'm "more in touch with my feminine side than most guys" (what a nice phrase, thank you musical on ember island from the legend of aang). also btw aang from atla was long my favorite character - something like a spirit animal, just a person not a non-human animal.
anyways i've always thought that living as a woman is bullshit and impossible anyways (EDIT: for me because i can't do anything about it anyways. this was before i learned about HRT and that it exists so it's more of a "i wish there was a juice that turned me into a girl" egg moment) so i should just grow up and fit into my role in society in a socially compatible way ... which means, grow old, grow grumpy, etc. . i've had a whole lot of positive experiences when i was 19 and bumped into a whole lot of very cool people (shoutout to the maths university where i live) and they kinda ... gave me hope for a better world. after significant internal emotional turmoil which included near-death experiences and lots of meditation, ... (that description doesn't cut it. it was more intense than i'm willing to put into words.) anyways i've started taking finasteride (which blocks a bit of testosterone in the body but not all of it) a few months ago. unfortunately the rumors are true, the body does not do well if you block all testosterone without adding estrogen at the same time ... i suspect that it's actually more complicated than that, the body just takes more time to get used to it. anyways i started with 1mg of finasteride / day for a few weeks a loved it, mostly the change of smell has impressed me. i'd love to meet somebody with the same smell as me, and i'd probably just devour them on-the-spot (jk). anyways i've had to pause it for 2 weeks after a month because i developed a heart-ache that made me worried. i started again, taking it for 5 weeks and now i have to reduce dosage again because i'm developing that heart-aching again. i suspect that it's not actually about the heart-muscle btw. people say that if you're close to a heart-attack, you don't actually feel it in your heart but in your left upper arm. but if you feel it in your heart instead, that means that it's not the heart muscle that's suffering but your emotions instead. and i suspect that the story is more complicated than that, involving the gut-brain axis. the brain is made of many parts (compartments) and they are switched on/off by hormones. and if you switch all of them off at once, there's a lack of drivers (just like computer hardware drivers) for the body and that causes the ache. so your body has to develop new, independent-of-sex-hormones, drivers before you can get the testosterone completely out of your body. i don't want estrogen (i think?) because i'm worried about boob growth (i don't want boobs). but who knows how this will develop in the future. --gandalf_der_12te (nikaaa for those who know me by that name :)
i'm not sure what we're looking at here, folks, to be honest.
didn't want to keep this wonderful song from you :)
i think we need a community for general discussion about our lives and our wellbeing and of course also for all the infodumping needs of you all cuties ~
see the banner image (here). The TCP protocol is a fundamental and modern internet communication technique that provides bidirectional message exchange over wide distances. We're using a modified version here that uses NYACK instead of ACK (:3)
source: i forgor
also: fuck cars, but this mechanic is nice
