I am obviously not saying people should be exploited, I am saying given the current conditions, one shouldn't force themselves to be miserable, ashamed because they don't physically have tons of money in the bank, or owe money, or whatever -- if you are """"just making ends meet"""" [a phrase that basically means, getting an A or B on the test of paying all your necessarily bills etc], it is as though you are expected, DEMANDED to vaguely feel like shit every day you're not Wolf of Wall Street.

I am obviously not saying either that it isn't a bummer i can't buy a telescope or book a cruise right now. If you watch commercials, everyone lives in a damn magazine, and that's probably not good for the psyche to see.

I am speaking broadly of the gray shroud that regularly having <$20 in the bank feels like it casts upon us: it is literally fake. to paraphrase karl pilkington, money is just something you have in case you don't die tomorrow. your bank account is a pane in the settings screen, not a constant HUD.

Many with good intentions denote it as being a miserable, thankless, deprived way of life - and sure yeah, in a sense. I am trying to not make the boring point about 'happiness is possible anytime' 'who cares about concert tickets' 'they make it seem miserable to sell doordash' etc but -- I noticed myself just instinctively literally physically hanging my head the other day - because I was thinking about how I wanted to buy a thing. Which is insane? Why should I feel like shit about that?

The story we tell ourselves about what our currency management MEANS about ourselves -- about EVERY FIBER of EVERY MOOD, at times -- is ARTIFICIAL. I was moping around a lil tonight because, seemingly, I wasn't living in a resort. That is an INSANE standard to have for yourself. (You can shift into the lens of letting yourself feel things like you are in a resort, however.)

i was in high school in 2014 eagerly awaiting GRRM's new year announcement.....i would've passed out if you told me it wouldn't be out still after OVER TEN YEARS

i blame D+D. you should too. i can't even comprehend trying to watch the later seasons of the show: the tone is fucking vile. the tone is fucking le epic twitter bants instead of rich medieval political drama. dumb cunts.

is there even an expectation of it anymore? it feels like the series is just....gone from cultural memory. for obvious reasons.

I think your average geek used to be like, somewhat academic and erudite and into arcane knowledge and had some level of good faith of wanting to engage in discussion

Now it's all frauds and absolutely braindead elon stans and crypto dipshits and conservative freaks and people who enjoy and defend watching big tech destroy everything.

I diligently mute them, I'm a freak I cannot stand them. But from the nature of many people's complaints about ads, it seems like they listen to them and want to retain the words they've said?

suicide? appreciating the good moments of the day without thinking about the wider hell you're in, somehow?

(ignore the old TV)

an ESPN+ exclusive fight has literally nothing to do with the football

cozy 90s BBS forums, obscure blogs, etc.

both companies notably ruined the internet in the 2010s by consolidating discourse then taking various steps to destroy the user experience and the feel of the communities for profit.

so, broadly, the web went from cozy, small hobby forums in the 90s and 00s, then with the 10s as a transitional period, the 20s being practically complete corporate control of online discourse.

it's a bummer. but nothing lasts forever. where will we go next?

i genuinely feel like my entire life and mindset have done a... at least a 90 by now, by somehow, somehow getting this hail mary pass off and setting this up. i can't believe this is real life it's very bizarre, i'm just shaking with anxiety and energy

i just feel like she'll hate me upon first sight (this was thru an app) for some reason, she'll sense the autism, she'll know i'm off and the next hour will be awkward and she'll politely say goodbye.

i mean, alternatively, it could go well, she could be cool. she seems cool which i suppose is why i did this. what is happening i cannot believe these are things that are going on in my life i feel like i was just in a major major hitting slump for 10 years, strikeout after strikeout

and then also what if she ghosts me or stands me up like in the films. what then? add it to the list of failures and try to rebuild my self image?

aghufasdf

By that I mean, it must be an inherently comforting thing to think - we inherently know this and want there to be something after death, because it feels right, or more meaningful. There's a reason basically every civilization ever has some sort of afterlife ethos.

I realize I am basically horseshoeing my way into evangelicalism but still. Maybe life was better if we believed there was something beyond this. [edit - please note that yes, the world is shitty, things are awful and getting worse, and that is exactly my point -- we get THIS SHIT, and nothing else? god that's awful]

by that i mean, those are intangible, effervescent parts of a human being that should not be quantized down to a fucking amazon star system. the 'anything less than 5 stars is actually bad' thing is disgusting as well - all modern companies do this.

If you go somewhere alone, say, a restaurant, that's an ostensible bad vibe, plus you're taking up valuable real estate and time, when you could iNvItE your bUdDiEs and make it more worth the restaurant's while, so 'fun'-based companies have all been subliminally forcing us for 100+ years to only consume their products with people around us -- think the smiling people in those Olive Garden ads.

And I'm not saying it's not fun to do these things with people, of course it is, I'd agree that it's even more fun. But it's not necessarily accessible or practical for everyone all the time. We should be able to enjoy the same pleasures of the world, the same excesses of capitalism, chef-cooked lunch from the Mediterranean for $10 in iowa at 10am, roller coasters, beach resorts, etc, without feeling shitty and weird for not having someone by our side. Same thing with the pressure to start a family as well. Sure, it's a natural impulse, but it's been hijacked by the ever-growing greed of capital.

It's so insidious it's insane. Marketing is scumwork for scumlords. They create empty spaces of desire we're magnetized to fill. I'm sure there's a way to think yourself out of this, but it's hard and I have no idea where to start on that mountain and I think meditation is sort of bullshit (especially if you have autism [hi]).

I tried to buy season tickets for myself for our local baseball team and the guy was like 'you can invite a friend if you want as well!' and like yeah no shit, maybe I want to go alone and relax? Can I simply have that freedom without being nudged to constantly perform my own emotional labor to give them more revenue? Please? God?

it’s very irritating — i even like closing the door for some reason to keep the cats out sometimes for complete privacy. I assume it’s something residual from childhood, but it’s very irritating. I’ve coalesced most of my main stuff that I use in the actual bedroom then the other rooms have more ‘display’ type stuff that I use less often

I can’t get myself to get up and be in my own damn living room. I don’t know why. It feels more empty, I suppose. It feels less….safe somehow. It’s very stupid and annoying that I am like this and I wish I wasn’t like this

and never mind the hell of knowing that some people actively hate being in their house, or preach that YOUr HomE iS JUsT A beD Get ouT THEre get OUt OF yoUr cOmFORT ZOnE. which is not the direction i want to go either, because that’s impossible for my brain and who i am at this point, and I’m fine with that. I like that about myself frankly.

But I want to watch a film on the big TV dammit.

apparently my city literally literally banned public rail funding, and people online love jerking off about how good biking is, so i figured might as well try. I have come up with:

pros:

• good for mental health / exercise / endorphins
• arguably quaint
• feel like an old timey guy taking his wares to market
• feel european
• can annoy others
• less of a police state around them vs cars
• more flexible parking, routes
• capacity to be peaceful
• nice in summer

cons:

• look like an annoying dork (esp w neon - which also hurts the quaint factor)
• have to wear a helmet (^)
• getting sweaty, potentially "unpresentable" for work
• still have to find safe parking
• still takes a while
• have to find new routes to places
• can't listen to music or might die
• little meaningful protection against severe injury
• can only carry so many groceries/etc
• sucks in winter

i am in shambles - I bought two Weatherproof Vintage short sleeve men's linen button down shirts last month from Costco, they were like $15 each, thinking little of it, oh these are probably going to be ok, normal big box store shirts.

but I've worn them, and slowly realized: these are the best shirts I've ever worn. they're comfortable, they fit perfectly, they feel absolutely perfect, the linen is perfectly breathable and feels perfect on my skin, they look very summery and nice, I've never enjoyed a shirt more than these shirts.

So I want more than the pink and blue that I bought, because that's only 2 days of the week. I go to the official website and the shirts start at $60. I am wrecked. I should've bought 15 of them at the store.

Costco themselves have a few left online, but only in obscure sizes and ugly colors. I am in shambles.