I dont know how I feel about my face/hair. I often hate it and I am disgusted by it. Also I look hella awkard lol. But either way, here I am!

At some point I will post some photos of me attempting to do makeup, once I get the confidence lol.

Hii

I just wanted to comment on some feelings ive been having.

I've had social anxiety since early high school (13Y old in Australia). A lot of this was from autism and not knowing thats what was up. I imagined in my head every interaction going badly, and people seeing me as some creepy guy intruding. I became the typical quiet kid because of these feelings, which made the anxiety worse, due to stigma.

Its only until recently that I have linked that some of my social anxiety stemmed from being trans. Feeling like I was off gender wise, seeing myself just as a weird male did not do well for my social anxiety.

I still feel these feelings, albeit less intensely (thank you therapy). Interestingly, I assume, as I transition, I will view myself differently and therefore become a little more relaxed?

This brings me to the topic of being anxious about being perceived as trans. Not neccessarily in a way that im insecure of being trans way. Most certaintly not. I take some level of, dare I say, "Pride" in the fact Im trans. Its instead how someone else, of course, view trans folk.

I recently went on an uber ride. Had a lovely conversation with a mother, and talked about my life and her children who were roughly my age. But at some point, the conversation lead to her mentioning elon musk. She called him a genius lol. But it did make me think, had I used my true name to introduce myself, would this conversation even happen? Would they view me with disgust? No idea of course, but ya know.

I struggle now thinking on certain I suppose non queer events. Should I boymode, use my deadname, and go? But thats of course not proper me going then. Or should I not, and just go all in? The second option definitely feels right (provided I am safe), but wow does that send the anxiety through the roof! The thought of it is almost dizzying.

Theres also anxiety, very naturally, around how on earth am i meant to react to transphobia. I mean i have worries around correcting my close and supportive friends if they fuck up a little on referring to me, mostly saying "man" or "dude". I feel like if i assert myself ill just shake and barely get my words out and be laughed at lol. Thank god I am not actively dealing with anything of that kind atm.

Anyway pretty stressful times ahead it seems, but of course lots of excitment aswell!

-Minty

Hiii

I think the first thing that comes to mind is honestly, was my mask even convincing? I mean I dont really think so. I was stilled called weird and all that. Also I was the classic quiet kid.

Now I was masking, since I didnt stim in high school, or at uni. Atleast obviously. I repressed all that down as much as I could. But as I said, not well at all. In fact in hindsight, my difference from people was probably pretty quickly noticable.

Although it is a thin, almost transparent mask Ive tried to put on, I feel a great desire to pull it off.

Ive just started with the most obvious thing. Stimming.

As I walk now even in the city, I let my stims just do whatever. Flap a bit if I need, rubs my hands, saying "beewoop". Its very freeing.

When Im talking in a group, I do noticable stims (rubbing my knuckles, light flicks of the wrist). Although i dont do vocal stims as to not interrupt the flow of the conversation.

I am also gonna straight up bring my cinnamon roll plushie to the next dnd session with my friends. Theyre understanding people, but I am still embarrased to do that. But im gonna do that because I fucking want to. I love hugging my plushies at home while doin stuff. Why not there?

I think my increasing acceptance of all of my autistic traits, comes from 3 things. First, is the social aspect ive seen of other autistic folk asserting they're autistic in conversation, so ive followed suit. Second, is honestly being trans. Theres a level of pretty radical self acceptance in that process. Lastly, is me realising that autism is a disability. Not masking when I can (I may need to do so at work? I hope not) helps me accept who I am and heal.

I am also going to get some noise cancelling headphones. I realise I need to take care of myself much better. Put pre-emptive effort into preventing the near meltdowns (I cry a bit quietly) in the city because of all the noise.

Theres a lot I need to work out. Such as how disabled I am (gonna to a psych). But at least for now, I am helping myself by being myself.

-Minty

Hi

Girls, Im not doing great. Ive been out of a relationship for a nearly 4 months. Not long but the tail end of the relationship looked very much more like a friendship with no affection. We decided to just be friends, and that has worked out quite well.

However I really need a long long hug. I dealt with a lot of loneliness like this before my relationship, and honestly the only thing I could think of was how cool it would be to just get hugged. No sex, no kisses. Just a hug.

A lot of the methods like plushies and stuff do work a little, but it maybe fills 10% of what I need.

I worry about this, since it pulls me towards looking for a relationship when I know I am not ready. It was like that last time tbh, and I was just lucky to find someone so nice. Im worried I wouldnt this time but because im so lonely and touch starved i would just deal with it.

I wish I could ask my friends not just for a hug, but like a full on cuddle. But theyre either in relationships so that would be considered cheating, or they would consider my request as me being interested romantically.

Sorry for another negative post. Most days arent great atm. Its hard to not spiral all the time. Yesterday was ok, it was nice seeing people comment on my outfit being cute. It was nice to feel comfortable in my body.

Ill try to be more positive.

Thanks for reading.

-Minty

Hii

I just wanted to rant about social anxiety, and my experiences.

The context why I am making this post:

I managed to get someones contact details (discord, I asked), which I was proud of. My intent is to make some friends.

Today I sent them a message. They responded kindly, then i sent a message back. Aaand thats it. 3 messages.

They were kind, and kind while i was talking to them irl, but now im just so anxious that I said something wrong. That when they were talking to me irl they actually thought I was kinda fucking weird, and sent me their discord just out of kindness. I worry they just arent interested in being friends. Which is fine of course, but i still worry about it. I understand this is all anxiety, and dont take it as reality.

I am so used to people seeing me as weird. I recall a couple years ago, an older women, describing me as "weird, in the weirdest possible way". That broke my fucking heart. I was trying to talk. I never said anything bad I think. I just, i just made conversation... and i was having such a good time.

I hate being seen as some creep. I hate being seen as a man. I want to be seen as the women minty! Not some creature people tolerate.

I say all that, but there has been a lot of nice people in my life. So not everyone views me like that.

I worry so much that the people at the bar I went to (look at my post history for context) view me like that older women, or all the other people that have said similar things to me. But they are nice, at least, so even if they do see me as weird, I appreciate them.

I really just want to be able to make some new friends. Some new friends to chat about whatever. Not that i dont have that, fortuntely, I just want to find people who reaaallly relate to me.

Honestly I need a solid months break from the world. Not that Ill do that, but i just wanna snooze and sleep. Im tired of all this.

Thanks for reading.

-Minty

Finally confident/comfortable enough to post myself. I felt really euphoric here. And yes, I have worn this outfit while working from home lmao. I do pop on a "professional" top when in meetings though.

Hihi

So I've been going to a semi regular queer meetup event held at a bar. Been twice so far.

HOLY HELL everyone is so lovely! Its so good. Everyone is so kind to me, and I really feel in place for once. Its so cool hearing people's transition journey and all the other stuff about them. Its so good to relate to people so much.

I've felt like an alien all my life, which is in part from being autistic, but also living as a man. I felt unworthy of the space I occupied, I felt like a creep by just talking to people. That I was some disgusting monster.

I watched a newish youtuber "GirlShroom" and her experiences and thoughts are so similar to my own. Hearing her talk about the loneliness of being trans made me cry so hard. So go watch her to see what im on about, she's great.

I have over the years really dealt with my social anxiety, but I never felt comfortable jumping into social events. Again, feeling like a monster.

But this time, I felt like a human. I entered that bar as a human, and I walked out that bar feeling even more human. Even better, I felt cute. I put my hair up, had a cool pink shirt with a cat on it. Idk i felt so great.

I am now EXCITED to go again. Theres halloween stuff on next time apparently and I CANT wait to style for it. I cant wait to talk to those lovely people again.

Thank you reading yet another minty vent post. This community has definitely helped me a lot, so thank you little people in my computer.

-Minty

HAII

Some initial reflections on now being fully out, and also on the changes from HRT (3 months)

I am a women

I heard one of my dnd friends, whom I had come out the session prior, utter "She" in reference to me. I had forgotten that I told them to use she/her. I was expecting a "he" from habit, but he said "She" and it filled me with such overwhelming joy I shed a tear.

Hearing my friends say "Minty" (not my real name) rather than "John" (not my real dead name) fills me with joy but also relief. Profoud relief. "At last" I think, "my dream has come true". That I am women, in my eyes and theirs. I hope in time in stranger's eyes as well, although I won't tie my sense of womenhood to random folk's approval.

I don't look like a women, but at least I am still seen as a women by my friends and by the people stuck in my computer here.

What also made me happy, is that mum had given me little nickname derived from my new name. That made so so happy. But it's a very complicated happiness. There's relief, but also so much grief inside of it. I feel so sad for my past self. I want to hug her so so bad and let her know she's a beautiful person and it will all be ok. I want to also tell her how tough she is.

HRT Changes

yeah so boobs are cool af. I like the way they look and honestly its so comfortable them just chillin there. They also of course help me feel more feminine.

Smooooth skin. my face is so smooth. Makes my face look a little more feminine to what it was before HRT.

The emotions, are a lot... but I hope it isn't temporary. I just love them so much.

I love crying. I love it so much. I love how easy it is to cry. It makes everything so much easier to deal with. I could be crying about the most traumatic thing in my life and I would almost feel happy. Happy because I can cry, I can cry about the pain I had felt. It's so relieving.

Now its not like I didn't cry at all on T, but it was much much harder and only ever happened if I felt everything was going to collapse. Crying has given so much colour to how I experience despair or stress, its hard to describe. I feel so grateful for it.

I cried a lot writing this and I feel so happy.

aaandd thats it

-Minty

Hiya!

So a little while ago I realised just how dysfunctional I am, in terms of executive functioning. This lead me to consider to get an ADHD diagnosis, which I am going to go through with (to hopefully see if medication helps). The reason why I believe I have ADHD is because my dad has been diagnosed and in terms of our ability to function day to day, we're quite similar.

I have, informally, known I was autistic since I was 17 I think. My mum, some years prior, had asked a family friend who has experience diagnosing autism if I had it. She asked after my dad was formally diagnosed. Not sure why she didn't proceed to ask for a formal diagnosis at a specialised clinic? Presumably because of the cost I would imagine.

For context, I am in Australia. I was going to seek diagnosis for autism a couple years back, but it was going to cost 3 grand. I did find some lower price clinics that cost half that, but still. That pushed me away, especially considering I already know.

My thinking now, or at least before a couple days ago, obtaining an autism diagnosis so I could get some support... but of course, what support lmao?? I am working with a psych right now, and she just accepts I know I am autistic so in that sense there's no need.

I am wondering if there is any material benefit to getting a formal diagnosis when I already KNOW I am autistic??

-Minty

I just wanna rant about being so FAR from any lgbt events or groups, or any event for that matter that isnt rural specific which im not interested in.

It takes like hours to get to the city CBD. Any event that isnt in the CBD and we're looking at 3 god damn hours.

I do make the 3 hour travel for DND (met them at uni) but holy shit it gets tiring. But they do let me stay over so it isnt too much of a hassle and its not super frequent.

Theres a social group I found recently buuuttt its late and takes again, 3 god damn hours. I would have to book a hotel, which I can afford so I suppose Ill suck it up but I hate how I have to pay extra. Its also once a month so I kinda need to budget on it being the responsible adult I am :(

Anyway rant over lol

I dont mean the experience of autism being awesome, its often in my experience, absolutely fucking terrible. What I mean is that the word autism itself that explains me and thats awesome. It makes it so much easier to accept myself.

Even better, there are communties around autism (as you can see lol) so I dont feel so alone. I can learn from other people how to cope that actually are similar to me.

My friends often joke about autistic experiences/observatiobs (a few of us are autistic), and while perhaps thats something to be careful about, I feel as though I just dont need to worry about being weird around them. They understand that I may say odd things or stutter, or whatever else. The knowledge of the autistic experience aids with this. (although not required, since empathy and paitence are things).

it feels as though the word autism washes away all the times ive been called weird or a freak, called a sook or whatever else. I know I should improve myself despite my limitations, but knowing the limitations are there and therefore not to be so hard on myself is so relieving.

The thought of this word never being in my life and I just wonder what the hell is wrong with me is so damn lonely. I guess I did experience that throughout my childhood, and it did indeed feel terrible.

Anyway, midnight rant over.

Hope you all have a wonderful day/night.

-Minty

Hellooo!

I was wondering if anyone else experiences this.

During some sort of argument or really just discussing anything with emotion, my emotions become overwhelming. My voice start shaking, I cry and I am quickly unable to speak. Not great for relationships. This also causes me to go to great lengths to avoid conflict.

Is this a typical in autistic folk? Or is it unrelated? I am just looking to try and explain whats happening

Naturally as I transition, I am thinking about what I should name myself.

So far:

Lilly - just like the ring of it.

Stella - really like this one. It means star in latin so thats cool, and I think it suits me.

Sophie - thinking about naming myself after the 1700s/1800s mathematician sophie germain. I'm obsessed with maths so it suits me on that level, but tbh I still like stella more.

Anyway, thats it!

-minty

Wanted to say hello 🖐 and ask if anyone else has experience this.

I started estrogen very recently, and I've noticed that I am more tired than usual, and a little dizzy?? (Could be unrelated ofc). Wondering if anyone has also experienced this?

I did some basic online research, and it does seem to be a thing. I will of course mention this to my doctor if it keeps ongoing.