So long story short

I am writing to say hi and hopefully I can find answers lurking in the shadows by everyone here.

Long story:

I guess I believed that I didn't have this and have struggled a lot over time with the thought of always thinking what I might have and why I felt so different from neural typical people

I haven't had a formal diagnosis, but I have been unofficial diagnosed with ADHD,anxiety and depression and a nurse off had mentioned that I might have Asperger's but again no formal diagnosis.

I think I might also display signs CPTSD symptoms and I tend to have a proverbial forest of these lists of traumas albeit it small but are so...persistent that it is quite extensive in the sense that I could write a short story trying to explain myself with how I am feeling with this.

I think because my younger brother is mentally challenged to the point where he cannot look after himself, I think I have been hesitant to claim being neural divergent in fears that I might be thinking I am "broken"

But I have been, I guess, exploring, trying to understand what I might have because I have been forced to really try and make progress in my life after being "paralysed" by not feeling I am making any progress in my life.

I have always been something of a black sheep, generally have been of strong opinion and I am observant enough that I am decent at reading people to the point where I can call out other people's bs to a reasonable degree.

I believe I am strong willed in the sense that I am not too easily swayed, but tend to fold with a "second inner self" that is on watch once I have experienced something bad. I also feel like I can be caught up in a collective "energy" too

My life is one of wearing masks and figuring out the right "persona" to put on for the right "performance"

I also struggle with interpersonal relationships as I have a tendency to overshare and be verbose in both my words and actions.

I have a bad tendency to trust and that has led to me being taken advantage of a lot, which has a knock on effect of making me be very cautious of people and their intent, which leaves me feeling very lonely and unloved as I struggle to make connections

I have difficulties making connections because I generally scare everyone away with how "heavily burdened" my soul feels and that leads to struggling to regulate and being force to have to mask up and live with the tiring burden of wanting to "fit in"

I am unemployed, I have been looking for employment and struggle to find many jobs to apply to because of a lack of confidence in my skills and feeling very self-conscious because I am in student debt that I cannot pay and I am forced to stay with my parents which also makes and leaves me with guilt as it is a household that is hanging on by the generosity of family.

::: spoiler might come across as graphics ( ie suicidal

It makes me feel very stuck in life as I struggle to move forward and I am not so young anymore so the aging feels like noose with time being the hangman. The thought does come to my mind of suicide, but life has given me reason enough to fear death as I have lived through experiences ( dodging a knife swung at me, not acting out rage and it scarying me that i was euphorically angry, survive almost drowning, had a near miss of a metal rugby tog hitting my eye) that have made me realise I don't really want to die

I do have a suicide prevention buddy, that I try and keep in contact with and only really ask for help when it gets really bad as they rightfully don't engage with my ramblings unless it is very serious. They are very busy, but still find time ti try and be someone to offer assistance and try pass on job opportunities if they find something they they think is applicable

:::

Just overall life sucks and I do not know what to do with myself as all roads feel like a dead end

wall of text ahead

I need to get this out as it is burning in my chest and crawling at my mind and if I don't I fell like my body will give out even quicker than it will.

So mentioned before finding "peace" with an acknowledgement and how it feels like time has started to move forward.

But as time moves marches on, I am getting more and more agitated at the thought of the person I believe I found peace with.

I don't know if this is just a hidden feedback that now getting a chance to feel, like really feel that suppressed emotion to how I was feeling and not walking away from the red flags.

I appreciate the person for loving me and giving me good memories, but all that fades away in a wash of reddish grey when it gets judged against their repeated actions that (emotionally) hurt me and how I was not strong enough to just walk away.

How even up to the point where they said they realised what they did they were still having signs that put doubt in my mind that they probably really can't change as they have lived this life of speaking of personal improvement and have created this grand illusion to get them through life (which, to be fair, is more positive than what I have been doing).

But their actions during this time over the period of knowing them speak louder than the improvements they claim to have made - which I will give them credit to, they have made.

There is a saying "don't listen to the words, look at the actions" and those actions were consistent along the period of their "transformation"

It was wrong of me to hold them to a promise they said they will still be a friend, to still pursue a friendship because my ego wanted them to be a better person and that backfired in my face spectacularly, as they willfully chose wrong paths repeatedly and I was not strong enough to guide them.

These further mistakes feedback looped into the problems with what happened during the relationship where I experienced things outside of it that, emotionally, I hope no one experiences.

Like this is the reality, most people are selfish and I want those that were close to me to be better people, but maybe my ideals are too idealistic as I only end up getting hurt.

This isn't the first person that has did this to me, just the first person to acknowledge it and I was so stubborn to try and get this resolution. I think because I was tired of being hurt without the other person understanding why.

So I know I am doing stuff wrong, I own that. It is part of this mess of grey matter between my ears. It is just how unequal the cause and effect tend to swing.

I will use one example that is not too defamatory:

I know I need to be strong, but I am so tired of trying to be strong that I asked, as a friend, for strength and what I received was mechanical. almost detached advice and I tried it and what I wanted but probably didn't word it right was someone to help keep me going - purely as a friend to you know be a shoulder to lean on and gather strength again to push on.

But the moment I didn't follow exactly what they set, they pushed away and left me alone to deal with what they said I should do.

And their words felt so shallow and hypocritical, when they told me how I must be strong on my own when they always seem to have someone there for them.

Maybe they just got tired of trying, of listening and I know I was too autistic to explain why I felt so much mixed emotions that just got worse every time we would talk as they would somehow add another notch on that wound with their actions.

Now feel so bitter because I know that I will mostly likely not find someone and I might just cave and settle for someone that will just hurt me again in the future - either this person or someone else.

Because at my age, there is usually (I understand that not everyone is) just broken people and they (including) myself, just bring more misery either in the actions, words or mindsets.

To find someone that somehow is patient enough to even deal with me would be an undertaking I feel no one is capable of handling.

And I know, I cannot even consider even that before I have some stability in my life - because no one wants a loser that has nothing going for them in their lives.

It is like I want to scream at the world

Even if, by some miracle, I try get my life around - I still feel by all intents and purposes a failure.

I am in debt for an education that is worthless to me as I soon realised that I don't have the real world working aptitude for it, I am unemployed (I did recently apply for something that will probably be minimum wage but doubt I will get it) in a country where there is already high unemployment and my demographic is of a lower desirability - like it is enshrined in law to maintain quotas - so it is what it is.

This country it is either you know someone and they get you into a position or you get screwed raw because the employer knows your options are limited and push the boundaries to the point that they see how much value they can extract before you pop from the pressure.

I am in such a mental mess that even when I live with my parents I still have to live with a mask on to try keep the illusion of stability and I keep it on because they are incapable of understanding anything (and this goes right back to childhood) as I have tried in the past and it just flies over their heads- they are congruently ignorant (like when I discussed with them about my depression, many years ago - it was seen as this thing I was incapable of being able to handle)

I feel so much shame in my parent's home that I cannot even leave it without some reason.

The only reason we, the family, are not on the streets and I am able to write this is because of their pensions, my brother's disability grant and how family help to allow us to survive and I am getting so scared because as my parents are getting older I am getting more worried for my brother, who is mentally disabled to the point he cannot survive on his own.

I am an absolute mess from decades of suppressed and more visible (small) traumas that have built into this monstrosity of regret, anger, sadness and despondence that I never got around to heal because I was trying to "be strong"

Who knows what other emotions are bubbling waiting for the triggers and I am trying to heal, then the get thrown the narrative tells me "toughen up, bitch - no ones going to help you, you brought this all on yourself", but there is just too much for me to wade through.

I did reach out to a contact a friend suggested I try - it was church counseling and despite my "best efforts" they did organise a session where someone can talk to me 2 weeks from now.

And as I write this, I recall someone still telling me in my past -even more years back - that when I when on a emotional tirade (which I know isn't fair to people), I don't need a therapist, I need a priest to perform an exorcism so I guess that "prophesy came true" as I agreed to a phone session with a Father.

I am spent - I don't even know if this will help me, but I needed it out of my system as I feel like I am metaphorically coughing up the poison I have let sit in my body for who knows how long.

WARNING

                         **Large wall of text ahead**

I hate always writing about negative things, but this is something that I did not expect to happen and I acknowledge that I am at fault as well for this situation.

I haven't been in a relationship since I broke up with my ex and the last thing I asked from them was to "do better".

Needless to say, they might only start to do that from yesterday, maybe not because in my twisted selfish desire to gain closure I have been on and off again friends with them and I got through to them how much pain they were and had put me through my life.

They actually stopped trying to be someone who was hiding being all the bullshit they were using over they years, their interpretation of neutral science, etc, reframing things and on and on.

And like I think I am coming to terms that I have a collection of neurodivergent conditions.... maybe not conditions possibly traits that probably made the whole thing an absolute nightmare to experience on both sides when I try and explain the pain I am feeling from their actions and how they try to rationalise it and sort of sweep it under the rug of "self-improvement".

They apologised sincerely for the right reason (and not a half-heart apology that didn't really have any real deep meaning behind) for the what they put me through all this time and in the moment it was euphoric because it was the first time I got through to someone who hurt me to actually understand what they did to me.

That is in itself is selfish, I can own that, and I can acknowledge that my pain is self-inflicted that I was so attached to care and look for that validation from them.

I even encouraged them to not break up their relationship after they came to the realisation of their actions,

And in the interest of that, they had to cut me off again because my influence was too much for them and could be a point of friction as they would want to come back to me.

I insisted I do not want to be a point of friction in a relationship she is finding to be in a good place. That I will not be as bad as the people I have been telling them to not be and who have hurt me

And in the last message, I told them to "do better"

And now that I found peace with that specific pain and getting recognition for it - which was I believe a decade too late (with added issues added along the way),

I am stuck with even more conflicting emotions it is like a decades worth of build up is sort of moving forward. Like that whole thing was something stuck for a decade and only now is time moving forward again and I am feeling all this other emotions that I never gave myself time to feel before as I never had the chance to actually try find closure with any relationship.

I am ping-ponging between all these confusing emotions as I think I attached to them as an emotional pillar.

Because I am struggling with all this other traumas, it is like fighting new monsters with the existing monsters and it is this like a Jurrasic Park of dinosaurs in a replicating battle royale.

There is elements where I hate the fact that I loved them and was stubborn enough to stick with them to have them try and "get it", that I was stuck for someone that was probably not worth it, there is the part I want the best for them and want them happy, there is a selfish part that feels like I want them and I can wait to sweep them off there feet, there is the part that knows that is stupid and I will just find pain again, but then there is a part where maybe I did change them for the better, but then again maybe not.

There is parts like why I am caring, they didn't care when they were doing all those things that hurt you, things that you know they will never tell you that would probably hurt you even more - why the hell are you so concerned for them.

Like I invested in them and my selfish ego wants to claim the dividends - that is metaphor and not like claim they are mine more I helped them be a better person and possibly a better partner and I will not be able to see any of that or be a part of that.

Selfishly, It feels why did I waste my efforts for someone that never really appreciated what I tried to do.

Then there that evil voice that schemes that I could probably win them over, but then again would I be any better than the people they were trying to find meaning in.

Would I be any better?

And this can go on and on for who knows how many other permutations and variations of thought around this and it could just keep going.

It is all so conflicting and I don't know if my ego is so fragile from all the trauma that I have constructive a narrative that this person will be a good fit for me or it is this delusional belief that I am so scared of being alone that I am gravitated towards someone that can feel love me in a life that I felt very devoid of that feeling and I needed peace to let them acknowledge that I did love them, I made mistakes and that I wanted them to acknowledge and actually understand the mistakes they are making as they keep making them.

And this against a backdrop where my prospects seem so bleak and when I try move forward I get gut punched - like I wanted to apply for a job, I did all the paperwork and just before applying I decided to look into the place I was applying to without the blinkers, I am guarded by from scammers and it gave the same vibes.

And now when I look at the the job boards I just see nothing I can do as I am not qualified(experience or qualification), not the target demographic, especially as I am getting on the older side of thing (not over the hill just yet, but in a bracket I know is close to undesirable)

I tried contacting a church based therapy place a friend provided before and that was also embarrassing as they seem more confused more than anything when I contacted them and I don't even know what is happening there, I provided my number but not sure if they have to schedule something before something will happen there.

In regards to the suggestions that were given to me I am still in a very chaotic place physically (less appetite, sleep needs to still settle as is also chaotic and some other issues)

I did look at a few places, they are a bit far out of the way:

The regards to charity locations, they are quite a distance from me to walk. Similarly, clubs are even further away

The strongest contender that I can see having potential is a martial art that I do know someone from high school who I could ask about, but I would need some saving aside to afford that, even though they do have the first lesson free.

I lost a lot of passion for the blog I was doing for myself as I feel like I write there and all that is happening is A.I. is scrapping it and making money off my work that I was giving for free (indirectly). It feels like I writing into a whirlpool that just sucks everything up and there is nothing to really show for it.

I did have a chat with a friend and is someone that doesn't engage when I lean into my mental state and I find that useful for me as it is like I am forced to re-calibrate from my current mindset to chat with them.

At least today with a chat I did thank them for letting me at least feel "normal" with what we were talking about (discussing their job and what they are doing) and that helped calm and distract me from the chaos for awhile

And I did contact another friend that has a very busy lifestyle, but thought to try reach out there as well.

It is frustrating I am trying to move forward, trying to be stronger for myself but there is like I have let myself get wrapped up in a tarpit and I can make some forward movement but it get kicked back with all this self talk that I also want something more with my life and it is always out of reach.

It happened today, I was in daze and just wanted one person to just talk to and in that daze I was blinded by that desire.

I ended up giving my WhatsApp number and age to a scammer, but my incessant babbling was helpful as they kept trying to be insistent and even got aggressive on the point of payment and it was like the haze was lifted.

I told them I was going to block them as instinctive retort in indignation, , reported the number on WhatsApp for fraud, reported the number to the ftc ( which i know can be spoofed), locked my Sim, added fingerprint and facial recognition.

Blocked the person on the app I used, deleted the account and uninstalled.

I alsoI didn't have a profile picture on WhatsApp although I do still fear they might have extracted enough data from me in my stupidity as I left a review, and I am in paranoia mode that I gave them a too much information already.

I don't know if it is mental decline or I have been mentally fighting for so long that my brain was working on autopilot

Just please don't be like me, this environment is a safe enough place and I was in the desire for human contact and even when I could see it was scam before, it did not register as scam in the moment.

So I usually go long winded and "intense" when I do these things.

So please note this is another long post.

But recently, I was on a involuntary "dopamine depravation", basically had no electrical power for 5 days and I was stuck in the home and by the 3 day I was I guess going crazy - I guess "lost in the sauce" as it were as my brain went into overload just going over a whole lot of negative stuff. I did sit outside during this period a couple times a day but by night time did the brain go into overdrive.

I had to physically and mentally(mostly) exhaust myself to sleep or try and find someone sort of temporary self-acceptance to focus on to remain calm.

It was like I have been ignoring my demons and it came out to play.

It was like replaying thoughts and trying to find connections to things, looking at why things make me felt the way it did and I was forced to at least try to be honest with myself with things.

When the electricity came back, it was a dopamine rush and tried to take steps to at least deal with at least one of the more pressing problems that was screaming at me.

Doing this and while confronting it, I sort of realise that most of my dominant memories which stretch back all the way to primary school (grade 1 and I am almost 40 now) are usually negative with the strongest almost having a strong resonance to reliving those experiences.

I can close my eyes and start popping off a lot of those moments down to roughly the year with hazy recollection of how it looked like but I can remember how I felt. Most of them are bad memories, especially linked to strong emotion (which I know results in a panic attack if it gets too much and go into "reset mode")

For example, the time I actually received some proper attention was years ago from a bad break up which led to going into a very dangerous place when I perceived the other person had escalated the problem.

Long story short - when I close my eyes and think of the moment I almost lost it my muscles tighten up almost immediately and I have a slightly accelerated breathing. When I tried explaining it while writing, my chest was getting hot, my breathing got heavier and I felt the adrenaline heat and excitement like activating fighter or flight as I was thinking back to that moment.

That moment was the angriest I had ever been and I was the pins edge of snapping and the student therapists helped me a lot with that anger, even had me sign a "suicide prevention pact". They did a lot to get me to calm down. I still use that anger as a litmus test for my anger and try to make sure I never get that angry again.

When I wrote the above, that my mind starts "recompute" to that event and my brain "locks in" and prepares interlocked points and it is sorted and "presented" to me with most relevant point.

Making personal correlations about living in the emotion when I recall things, I sort of stumble upon all these terrible emotions tied to memories is maybe the result of decades of built up traumas that have developed PTSD-like effects. When I "live" through that memory I can have vivid flashback, how my framing is like that is in the moment living that emotion and writing it in a way of how I felt in that moment.

I have carried all these small traumas over the years that have never been resolved like mental fly sticky papers and it makes me start to wonder why I have so much trouble connecting with people and how I feel like I am stuck in a tarpit.

If I had to imagine my inner self in a series of colours, It is like a raging black maelstrom with orbs or spheres of differing colours, representing an idea or person, swimming in it. So the story I just told is like a raging fire that has cracks but it is sealed and the core is stable. If I had to take a take something unresolved then it would be a sphere slowly being consumed as the maelstrom seeps in the cracks until all that is left is a a small sphere engulfed in darkness.

I am probably poor in my social skills from unresolved early development bullying and isolation - but I sort of forced myself to be able to be social when I need to be by, I think, observation and imitation.

My love life is atrocious and fraught with a lot of emotions that I feel became traumas and as a result I feel has also left me bitter with myself and lost hope.

I cannot even have the will to go outside unless I have an valid and tangible objective then I can walk for potentially a few hours if need be.

I mean I don't know much about these things so I did some googling and stumbled across complex PTSD, and made me think a part of why I am so miserable is I must be living in a state of some form of chronic PTSD.

I feel like have evolved my "addiction" to mental stimulation (currently writing is on rotation) because if I cannot distract my brain with something. I fall into this deep self talk which is generally a negative headspace where I think I guess I feed the unresolved traumas.

What makes it worst is the last time I tried getting mental health help through the free services here, it was not a pleasant experience. A friend of mine had to contact them and I don't know how, convinced them to call me back as they didn't want to contact me at the time after I told them I had issues answering the phone quickly (phone's speakers where broken so I had to plug in a earpieces to answer the phone). It was generally 3 rings and then hang up.

Anyway to paraphrase in less tactful way their response in summary was: get a job, touch grass and go back to the clinic, they have other people to talk to (number specified) which felt like "we have limited time and don't have time to waste on you."

And this really angers me because if I am not acting in a way that is considered high risk it feels like I am not being taken seriously. I mean stopped going to the free clinic when they stopped bothering to even discuss my mental state and it became a case of collect pills and leave.

Again apologies for the long post, I couldn't sleep and decided to try and express something that I feel could help get me closer to an idea what I might be suffering from as I never really got a formal diagnosis the last time I was at the clinic.

So I got too confident in my ability and while having browsers open, walking on my way to the Riverside Sanitarium for the first time.

I saw a car and a few zomboids, thinking nothing of it, proceed to engage and in the middle of a swing with a two-handed weapon, out from behind a tree, a fast shambler emerges.

Me being an idiot didn't give enough space when I engaged the zomboid to my front and had my back to a tree which ended with me taking too long to respond and got bit twice once by the one behind me and the one in front.

Was able to escape, but consigned myself to get back to base, drop everything and go out on my terms -before changing.

A very long diary entry to allow myself to grieve his loss:

::: spoiler spoiler ~~ Doug Walker was a freeloader and when he heard how the problems where getting worse decided to make a run out of town.

Having a passing interest in herbs, he thought it best to make it out on his own living off the land - maybe hole up in that shop he remembered out on the outskirts of town, he was not afraid of fighting, but tried to avoid if he could.

He never saw the need to keep things tidy and in containers and thought it best to keep things all within easy reach.

The quiet life saw Doug start to take an interest in fishing and animal husbandry, and saw him take care of pigs, sheep, rabbits, mice and, developed a special fondness for chickens.

His luck was great, avoiding zomboids from the trees time and again and even found many valuable items from the old world which he planned to collect at a more advantageous time.

His luck ran short however when he wanted to see how the sanitarium was holding up, he was a "visitor" of the facility in his younger years and to his mind thought it a palace in the wastes.

Little did he know that his journey would come to an end, when he stumbled too greedily into unknown dangers, as he was moving in to dispatch yet another of the shambling dead. He caught but a glimpse of something from the trees, that glimpse turned to panic as that something lunged out and before he could react, he felt a sharp pain at his side, he tried to break free but was bit again on the arm. The pain now starting to fade as adrenaline began to kick in as he tried desperately to break free from dead's grip.

He succeeded, his body now burning, knowing and remembering from those early days of the Knox event that he was running on borrowed time.

Knowing this, he decided that in his last moments he will take destiny into his own hands and will enjoy the world from a view that he could appreciate.

That he would rather go out on his own terms and not slowly succumb to the cruelty this world.

He raced back to his home, that was only a month since he moved in, and on his way back thought about how he would go about this task without suffering. His idea, expose himself to the elements and have nature's grip embrace him in its icy embrace and allows him to drift peacefully into that darkness, surrounded by what he loved.

He got home and reluctantly threw everything that he owned on the ground one last time, he thought - at length - of his life, and with the last piece of clothing removed, prepared himself for the end.

So this is it, I always thought I would go out more violently in the end, but it was a good life, even if I was alone in the end, I can at least be able to have the view of my chickens as a last pleasant thought before it all goes dark.

P.S.

To my brother, sorry I couldn't prepare the place better. If you are still alive and read the note I left in the family home, then you should be able figure out where I have been - heh, I've always been a slob, sorry I couldn't make it more homely as a parting gift. And if you ain't my brother, sod off! But you're welcome to anything you find, ain't going to be needing it no more soon.

P.P.S. As I final wish of a dying man, would you name that plump red hen : "Gertrude", always fancied the gal - always made the best eggs. ~~ ::: End journey entry

So I drank a bottle of bleach and waited for the end in the chicken coop, the character surrounded by what brought him peace. I closed the game, but log back in to at least bury the guy, but he is either despawned or roaming around Kentucky.

Continued on that world as Doug Walker's brother and dug a grave - and filled it to at least have closure with the character - there is a side bonus with the slim chance I will be able find Doug and burying properly.

Playing on vanilla apocalypse and chose to live off the land and away from most of the Kentucky Apocalypse on the outskirts of Riverside for a chill run with the excitement of danger.

Have been surviving so far off of fishing and foraging, winter is around the corner (might need to work on trapping as well).

Spent a lot of time trying to stabilise my weight (started to worry when I hit the 60s) until my fishing skill got to a point where I could figure out a routine for it.

Still undecided about where to develop a more central base to create an animal farm as I have found sheep, chickens and pigs. The building I am squatting in, is little more than a dumping ground as I work slowly towards self-sufficiency.

Life is more a struggle to survive normally with the added danger of zomboids, but its overall its pretty quiet life with the daily patrols broken up with the occasional background gunshots or blood-curdling screams of anguish.

An almost 38 minute video about one man's opinion about how the curated algorithmic experiences on the modern Internet have an effect on people and how it has shaped how it is being used.

Edit: Name of channel is Technology Connections

• they want repeat players (users)
• they repeat a formula that sells
• when it doesn't, they look to "adjust" it with something new and preferably cheap
• they give free samples to spread word of mouth
• they try to lock people into their environment
• they always want people to chase the next high
• looking for ways to keep you hooked on something for as long as possible
• they try to use their formula in all their products

Character is only level 3 in cooking, 2 in fishing and 8 in foraging and with a nice cut of fish and some mushroom harvesting, one can eat well.

The pot's condition is like that as it was something I picked up through foraging.

Even though it wasn't in the best of shape, looks in good enough shape to at least do a stair remodeling.

Seems B42 unstable is out!

Although it is only for single player for now, looking forward to see the new stuff - even if it might have jank

Probably building hype creating this, but best case scenario, build .42 unstable public release looking to drop around Christmas and in the worst case early next year

https://projectzomboid.com/blog/news/2024/11/whatz-next/

So had a day where I saw I had Iridium luck and decided to pay for the ticket at 09:00 sharp. Ends up, the farmer hopped on board and decided to drive themselves to the desert

https://projectzomboid.com/blog/news/2024/10/hallodoid/

Seems that .42 has started closed external testers so that is good news

The new lighting seems oppressive and looks like night raids are probably going to require flashlights to avoid danger.

Nice seeing some basement gameplay - first thought was looking like 3rd person Rsident Evil( from the sanatorium video) and the distribution getting tweeks and wonder how they are going to tighten up the combat

Besides all the other stuff, I am really liking the reading materials and how its being implemented.

Tldr

Warlock and the Lost meet up on Avenger defense mission, and my brain froze like my PC when a Gatekeeper enacted a mass resurrection of a large collection of fallen Lost and for my sanity required me to redirect every available resource to the Gatekeeper to not lose the campaign by virtue of locking myself out of the game if the enemy Gatekeeper survived.

Ended the mission with, if I recall correctly, 355 kills of which most of them where caused by the Gatekeeper who effectively doubled the body count

More detailed account:

::: spoiler spoiler On a Ironman Commander difficulty chill run, decided to take my time with the Chosen and deal with them as a pre-final mission victory lap.

So leave them to their devices and deal with the Avenger defenses as they come.

This ideal changed very quickly once I was accosted by the Warlock with "The Lost" Dark Event.

So I take it slow as every 2 turns I have to deal with the 4 exploding ghosts the Warlock likes to pop into battle. This forced me into a defensive position and had my Reaper scout and move towards the cannon while snipers pick off what I could in between down time.

Of course, I could not always get the ghosts so they explode and draw in Lost.

So I end up digging in around the Avenger with the rest of the team setting up a "Kill Zone" in a nice convenient pass.

By the time I gain control of the situation and start working towards finishing up the mission, I am sitting with the pass with a graveyard of probably about 100 Lost corpses lying about.

I move the rest of the team forward, taking enemy forces as I advance and on enemy turn, a Gatekeeper, spotted earlier but not finished as I had assigned it a "lesser threat" moved into range towards the Lost graveyard. Needless to say, I could not finish it with what little overwatch I had in place and it did its psionic wizardry.

Game hangs for quite a while and eventually comes to as it is now in control of an army of Lost. My turn has a new objective now that forces me to ignore everything else to kill that Gatekeeper as I cannot handle the thought of having 100+ enemies take their turn if I fail.

Fortunately I was able to kill it with every explosive and ability I had on hand and experienced an equally cathartic release of emotion as my PC was catching up to the sound of the hordes dying out in the ensuing psionic backlash.

Needless to say, I was able to complete the mission with 355 kills to the mission - which the game counts revived enemy zombies as a "kill" if they go down :::

Slapped together images (Doom Eternal, a Waaagh image, some Orkish icon and a picture someone created of Tuska) in celebration of ORKtober.

Tuska the Daemon-Killa

::: spoiler spoiler Is an Ork Warboss who, aided by many weirdboyz, managed to bypass the defenses around Cadia and led his Waaagh! in an invasion of the Eye of Terror, in search of Daemons to fight.

Tuska made his mark in the Eye of Terror, by defeating the Daemon hordes on several Daemon Worlds, and seemed unstoppable until his Waaagh! crash-landed on a flesh planet. The planet belonged to a mighty Daemon Prince of Khorne known as the Blood Prince, who soon led his Daemonic hordes against the invading Orks. In the battle that followed, Tuska suffered many deep wounds and his Boyz took heavy losses.

Just as the Blood Prince was about to finish Tuska, his Weirdboyz managed to distract the Daemon using their psychic powers, giving Tuska enough time to impale the creature between its legs with his Power Klaw before being killed himself. The Warboss’ vast horde was later eventually slain to an Ork by the wrathful Daemon Prince and his minions.

However, the story did not end there for Tuska. Khorne had such joy in watching the murderous spectacle, that he ensured that Tuska's Waaagh! rose once more the very next dawn. Now, the Orks repeat the fight over and over again, for the Blood God was so impressed by their limitless battlelust that he took the Orks into his own domain. In the shadow of the Brass Citadel, his elite Bloodletter generals battle against Daemon-Killa’s undying horde on a daily basis. This suits the Warboss just fine: he has finally found a good fight that never ends.

https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Tuska

::: Tuska Image credit:

Reddit User: smashed_head

https://www.reddit.com/r/orks/comments/neoq0s/tuska_the_daemonkilla_drawn_by_me/

Writing this to see what moments that have happened in game that has one step back and appreciate the systems at play.

I just recalled a moment where I had setup in the farmhouse north east of maldraugh and the helicopter event happened, so I hurried upstairs and waited for it to end.

When it did, decided to take a nap as I heard the downstairs windows being broken as wanted to prepare for the worst case of making an emergency exit.

So character wakes up in the middle of the night and it is a thunderstorm, so think screw it, going to take a chance and clear my "front yard".

I climb out the second story window, onto the veranda decking, and jump down into probably about 20 zomboids mulling about in all directions - which the lightning surpised me when it struck, showing me more than I was expecting.

So in the middle of the night amongst the separated group I went about sneaking and trying to take them out one at a time, with the screen having moments being fully lit up from the lightning threatening my position and the possibility being compromised and they all converge.

So there was my survivor shanking zomboids in the middle of night alongside the thunderstorm, as bodies kept falling and eventually peace of mind as the numbers thinned out enough to not be a problem if the weather worked against me.

Was quite a sight the next morning as the fields in front of the house were spread out with corpses and the resultant blood spray across it where I had to resort to blunt force to solve a problem.

Just found the ambiance of the sound of the thunderstorm, the little "stealth" mini-game of removing the threat with the thought of the lightning giving my position as well as seeing the carnage in the daylight was a great use of the weather system and how the game makes its own narrative.

So I tried to take steps to try improve myself and I have been able to sort of come up with something where I do daily tasks and over the weekend take it easy.

Basically, light meditation, some positive words to myself, exercise, journalling, consistent self-care and reading

I have made it to 7 days so far with me being able to complete the tasks I have been setting for myself.

However as a concequence of journalling out stuff, I have been confronted with an area of my life that I have not let vent out properly. It's its own monster of sorts that feels like it is consuming my thoughts as I relive and try come to terms with past events that leave me with realising how deep the regret and anger I have kept underwraps.

How that part of my life had some effect in disrupting my academic prospects as I let it thrown me off enough that I ended up dropping out in frustration of falling behind and also how I listened to someone ask that I do not do something I wanted to do, but out of respect to them I ended up regretting not doing it.

It is has the disruptive flow to things as it boils off and simmers as something I am having difficulty trying to come to terms with

Before I get too off track and devolving into that, I'll refocus towards what I wish to ask.

Is there resources or a social group where one can join that can act like an accountability group of sorts as I fear that what I am doing now will eventually hit a wall where I fall off and linger into bad habits again.

I know I have been driven to do the tasks on a day-to-day basis, but I already have days where it is hard to do it and I sort of just get through things out of a stubborness to tick off a box with a clean conscious, but I fear that I can only do so much on my own steam with the concern that I might need someone to help "revive the battery" if it runs low

I cannot rely on anyone that I know and I get people have their own lives but the I have tried reaching out to people that I trust and I only had one help, but they are an unreliable source of help( not in a bad way) as they can only really listen when they have time for it as they live in a different timezone and they keep a busy life schedule so asking for help is not something is readily available.

The other people I have tried have yet to really show in interest in communicating.

As I mentioned in a previous post, the person who was trying to help me and coincidentally also put the framework in place for the idea for the routine has also recently cut me off as well so I cannot look towards them for assistance either.

Mentioning that as I feel alone in this and have concern that I will relapse if I try to work on my "strength" alone

• So something I have never really used in Zomboid is guns, always collect it and the closest I have used them is unloading and loading during a storm.

I acknowledge guns are powerful, but I rarely see the need to use them when I can peel off stagglers and work my way towards a building without drawing unnecessary attention.

• I have been bitten enough times to second story and blind corner zomboid campers, but I wish to one day visit a multi-floored building like the hospital

• Make a cake, the ingredients that are required to make one are usually rotten once I have established myself

• Deciding to use the starter home as one's home base and secure it

• Building a home from scratch, which is a long term commitment and requires plenty of resources, but something about it carries a certain charm

• Actually find a note home as I usually read it and stash it, while forgetting about or being unwilling to commit to a long multi-day journey unless I have made contingencies along the way