Amazing first 2 dates but he's giving cold shoulder now - please help me understand because I'm so confused and bummed
We met on the dating app, and our 1st two dates were amazing. He even said he's impressed by how naturally we clicked and conversation flows. I felt this magnetic pull and wondered if it might be what I hear about when it comes to the real thing. It felt different, and I was so excited for our potential future together. I'm very attracted and couldn't stop thinking about him. I felt seen and heard.
For context, I've had a rigorous career-focused few years, and vacations were overdue. I really needed to take more time to myself for my overall well-being and health before my next role starts, so I recently booked two trips: a long one with family and then a short solo one with two weeks at home in between. During those weeks, I met up with this guy in person after we had messaged back and forth for about a week leading up to my long trip a couple months ago.
Our chemistry and banter is great, and I thought we had a strong connection, but I feel like I'm being faulted for things I didn't technically do wrong and it seems to be a pattern. He followed up prematurely during my long trip after I made sure to give a heads-up that I would be unplugging (I replied as soon as I could and didn't apologize for the delay or think of him as crossing my boundary at the time, just glad he followed up and showed interest). Then he arrived 15 minutes early to our 2nd date and I was apologetic saying I may arrive 5 minutes after the reservation time due to traffic coming from an important professional meeting but I'll be there ASAP; I ultimately arrived right on time but he later half-jokingly said that I arrived late, to which I half-jokingly said I was on time per the original plan. He also complained about parts of the venue (I initiated and planned this date). He did hold my hands and kiss me but it was all tongue which threw me off (I thought maybe that's just him wanting to be more warm so I didn't flag it right away). He didn't try to be physical on our first date which I was relieved about as I'm tired of guys trying to get me to be casual with them. We briefly mentioned our intentions, and he said he wouldn't continue with someone if he didn't see the long-term potential.
Our date wrapped up with me saying I was going to unplug during my upcoming solo trip but I would text him as soon as I was back and he said "we can plan something". That same night, he did initiate the goodnight text and liked my first text but ignored the second one saying enjoy the event he asked me to attend with him but I said early on I may be traveling during that time which turned out to be true. I tried not to read into it because it's still early in our interactions and maybe he went with another girl or felt a bit bruised that I couldn't drop everything - even though it's just that I meant what I said.
As promised, I warmly and affectionately texted him as soon as I could after my trip before realizing he had unmatched me. I was shocked to see that. My phone unfortunately got water damage while traveling but I highly doubt that erased only him from the app. I'm also unsure if I possibly missed a text from him in the few days between losing my phone and getting a new one, but I doubt it. Either way, his tone is colder now and he said we "could possibly" plan something once his upcoming move is done, but none of it sounds reassuring and he literally said "will do" which is basically "I'll keep it in mind" aka it fizzles out and he's hoping we don't have to have the clarification talk.
Please help me out, friends! I would really appreciate any help or advice. What exactly made him change his mind? What should I do or say to him? Did I do anything wrong? I don't want to be made to feel guilty/ashamed of the time I needed to take off, and I thought it was the right thing to start the conversations earlier versus wait. Should I ask for a call if he doesn't follow up for a 3rd date? Should I keep trying with him even if I have to "chase" a bit since my schedule has been a bit unpredictable and abnormal?
21 replies
you have a history of making posts about relationship advice. this is kind of a red flag to me that you're likely an LLM bot.
in the event that you aren't. you should probably date at your pace and be more honest with your prospective dates.
tell them what you want, and expect them to be the same. you will endure hardship, of that I'm sure, but eventually you will find someone who can appreciate you.
I'm not a bot. Can you please elaborate on dating at my pace and being more honest with my prospective dates? Is it bad that I'm letting the kiss happen early on during our second date, or is that not the issue? I feel awkward declining but I know it's important to stick to boundaries. I would definitely say no if they wanted to do more than that, unless it was later on, and I have communicated that before without issue.
I don't think you'll know for sure unless you ask, and even then there's no guarantee you'll get a real answer.
People are all unique. Just read these responses here. There are people making contradictory claims because each one is focusing on different parts of the story from different perspectives. That's not an indictment on their judgement it's an illustration of the reality you're facing.
The truth is none of us know what you did or didn't do wrong, or if there even was such a thing. We don't have enough information and I don't think you could provide all the necessary information even if you wanted to. Social interactions are just too complex to be accurately deconstructed in a few paragraphs.
In the end, just think about what you want and take a step in that direction. If you want to see this guy again, say that to him. It doesn't have to be more complicated than that as long as you're willing to accept that it might not turn out the way you want.
Your description doesn't make it sound like these were great dates.
Thank you for commenting. Would you mind elaborating? Is it because his blaming me for perceived tardiness and complaints weren't worth the meaningful conversations and physical moments we shared? We talked about deep topics on our first date just standing side by side looking at a really nice view. I've never gotten that personal with someone and we discovered all these coincidences of things we have in common but also areas where we're different and tease each other in good fun. If that's not it, what is? It felt like if this isn't it I don't want it, which makes this that much more disappointing and disorienting.
This is way too much drama for two dates. That's why he moved on. I would too. Life is too short to be dramatic about someone you barely know. You are way too invested and overanalyzing every little thing, and frankly, it's miserable to date someone who is like that. You know nothing about this guy, all you know is the fantasy in your head you have built up about him.
I've had so many interactions like you are describing, and always it's the case that while you feel a connection I'm basically just tolerating you hoping you will chill out at some point, but usually things just escalate and it's easier to walk away than deal with the dramatic breakup text or phone call. It's also miserable to try and date someone who won't actaully date you because they are 'too busy'. You likely came across as cold, difficult, and unavailable to him.
I appreciate your input, but I feel the need to clarify how I'm seeing it. I can understand wanting to avoid drama and my intention is not to stir any of that (I'm tired too). I was just looking for a simple text out of plain courtesy rather than a sudden unmatch leaving me blindsided. I never alluded that I was too busy; in fact, I initiated and thoughtfully planned our second date, left the unavoidable professional event early to arrive on time, and believe it's valid to want to maximize vacation time by unplugging rather than text someone I just met and have an uncertain future with. He stopped texting as soon as he finished planning out the first date (which he was indecisive about even choosing a place) which should have been the first red flag. It sucks to hear that I was way too invested and yet came across as cold, difficult, and unavailable - completely opposite scenarios. I had genuine intentions all along and feel that I deserve direct, mature communication given how invested he came across to me in person, or maybe that was just a show.
It's also worth noting that we talked about deep topics on our first date just standing side by side looking at a really nice view. I’ve never gotten that personal with someone and we discovered all these coincidences of things we have in common but also areas where we’re different and tease each other in good fun. If that’s not it, what is? It felt like if this isn’t it I don’t want it, which makes this that much more disappointing and disorienting.
How could anyone online be expected to explain this satisfactorily?
You've clearly reflected on how it went and have not identified anything to learn. There could be an infinite number of factors on his end that have nothing to do with you.
Good luck finding someone else.
Most likely scenario IMO is that he has a bunch lined up and is going for the sweet spot of physically desirable and easy to schedule. Which indicates this is 100% just having fun for him and he's not looking for Deep Relationships.
He'll come back when the current one gets boring. Pass on it.
he unmatched her, he isn't coming back.
Nonsense. He'll still be horny if the other girl(s) drop him
Don't over think it. Meet other people.
He was testing your boundaries for porosity and you didn't prove as easy a mark as he hoped. You dodged a bullet. Move on.
He’s moving on. Maybe he didn’t trust you and thought that you were dating others during that time. It doesn’t really matter. He might come back if things fizzle out. You should move on and keep dating too. If you end up being each other’s priority in the long term, cool. Otherwise, just keep on moving. You barely know each other. Sorry it didn’t work out. Hope you enjoyed your solo time!
I did, thank you! I appreciate it. This is exhausting. I don't understand why so many guys are just out to take advantage or bounce without even so much as a text. I can take it and would rather he be clear than give me breadcrumbs.
Yeah dating is rough especially when you’re busy. Some people don’t feel comfortable telling somebody they’re not interested anymore, or they’re dating somebody else and don’t want to completely end it with you. If you can start dating multiple people, as exhausting as that is, you’ll feel much less concerned if/when this happens again.
At the end of the day, any number of reasons why he’s acting the way he is. I hope you find somebody who is so into you, takes things slow and isn’t dating around while dating you.
In the very early stages of online dating relationships, most people don't yet deactivate their profiles/delete accounts/etc. I would hazard a guess while you were on your trip he ended up going on dates with someone else. Happened to me all the time when I was doing online dating.
Sorry I know that's probably a bleak take, and I don't have much to base it on other than my experience with online dating.
Either way, after two dates I wouldn't take it personally or assume you did something wrong here.
Sweet guy tactic but it was taking too long and he moved on. The kind of guy who would lie to your face without breaking a sweat. Nothing important was lost.
Have you tried logging in to your phone service carrier's account online? Mine lets me view and send texts through my web browser. You might be able to see texts your phone didn't receive.
Other than that, it sounds like you were attracted to him, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's a good fit for you. I don't get the impression that you did anything wrong. He might be looking for someone more convenient for him. If the conversations are nice but the intimacy is difficult, maybe you could remain friends? I don't know. If it seems like he's just trying to get something out of you, it's probably best to move on.
I think it's ok for you to make a followup attempt but don't overdo it and don't expect too much.
My reaction to the story is that by my slobby standards, you sound a bit too organized and that can be an issue. I'm not much of a planner. No idea if that fits your guy though.
Generally when getting to know someone, I find having voice phone calls to be better than texting. If you have his phone number, what happens if you call him?
When you disconnected for your trip, was that because you're otherwise online all the time? That's not so healthy either. Was the disconnection just from the internet, or from voice calls too? It might have been cool to have a few phone calls during the trip.
His behavior probably has nothing to do with you or your actions, he just has other stuff going on. He should have communicated that to you, it’s disrespectful to all of the sudden act aloof/distant/casual without informing the other person your feelings changed. If you were my friend I would tell you not to pursue someone who could lose interest so quick, even if you think there’s still a chance of bringing back the energy you had on those two dates.