What's the best way to get rid of an old mattress? Wrong answers only. Worst idea I'll actually do.
I will confirm that I did it by posting “I did it” here. This will negate any need for any type of photographic or other tangible evidence because I’m an honest person and you’re horrible for suggesting otherwise.
Edit: Bunch of damn pyros in this thread.
69 replies
Eat it.
...and we're done here
g'luck op. Remember, one bite at a time
That'll take too long. Eat it five bites at a time.
https://youtu.be/4eA-yr11XNc
Tie it to the roof of your car, preferably a 25-30 year old subcompact with bald tires and head for the freeway. Make sure to use string, not rope, and don't waste money on too much string.
Enjoy the drive and the problem just goes away.
fuck I actually did this once. I didn't tie it on, but I was driving the car and suddenly there was no mattress
It generally helps if you tie it on
fuck it, I'm leaving it
Tie one on? I don't think that mixes with driving...
See. It works.
Light it on fire while it's still in your room. No need to move anything!
Just stack the new mattress on top of the old one. Problem solved.
The bed just keeps getting comfier and comfier over time.
Take it to the country, find a 10-12" culvert under a driveway or access, pull a winch line through the culvert, attach it firmly to the mattress, winch until the mattress is all the way in the culvert, cut the winch line, and you're done.
Optional: call one of those YouTube drain clearing guys.
You’ve given this a suspiciously impressive amount of thought.
I plead the 5th.
And I'll be disappointed if you don't do it.
Mail it to the Whitehouse collect.
Collect?
I was at a party once where they burned a mattress, actually it wasn't really a party, just a meth heads house at night time. So you could do that.
Actually it wasn't really night time either, was it?
Everything is a dildo if you're brave enough.
Dildos are supposed to be reusable, you know, not just dissappear. Sounds like someone needs to have a big clear-out.
That's on Thursdays at the community center.
Fire cleanses all.
Best if done in the living room so your house gets all the smokey goodness.
Poke a hole in it and grease it up. Put it at the end of your driveway with a sign that says "Free Fuckable Mattress, first come, first serve!"
Tear some holes in it, sprinkle in nuts, and leave in your backyard. Congratulations: you now have a rodent hotel!
Hang it on a wall as a statement piece or art with all the suspicious looking yellow stains.
--Edit--
This method has additional merit in that you don't actually even get rid of it.
Attach a rope to it, tie it to the back of some kind of lifted 4x4 or truck, and have a buddy drag it around through the fields while you ride on top of it.
This is a man of culture.
Dammit… had to delete my comment because I said almost the exact same thing. I’m glad I’m not the only insane one.
Have you seen the video to HARDY's "Rednecker"?
No I have not. I’ll go look for it.
Edit: Well shit…. I guess I’m more redneck than I thought. Not surprised since I grew up in WV.
I grew up in Portland, San Francisco and Duesseldorf but I live in Redneck parts of southern Ohio now. Cheers!
Yeah I live in very rural NC now. I’ve always been this weird mix of redneck and computer nerd. Like I’d totally do the mattress surfing thing but probably rig up LEDs and a web cam to it.
Shred it to bits and smoke it through a bong on public transit
Put it in a room with my cat for 30 minutes
bonfire time
This reminds me when I was a grad student at CU Boulder, one of the frat houses decided to get rid of an old couch by dragging it out into the street and setting on fire. Became a running joke in town for years afterward.
Break into a neighbor's house and put it under their mattress.
Cut a hole in it and fuck it. Keep doing that with new holes until it with falls apart or rots from the inside out.
That's fine for foam mattresses, but the inner spring type give me lacerations.
Win/win
Throw it in front of your house and leave it there. When asked by your neighbors, say "it showed up there yesterday"
Use it as a surfboard.
The West Virginia method: take it outside, lean it against your trailer, and forget about it.
Donate it to your local indoor climbing wall
Throwing it into the power lines?
Nativity scene, where all of the characters are Barbie’s. Preferably the life sized ones. Dressed in furry costumes. Some of which should be missing limbs, heads, etc. Apply makeup liberally. Use the remaining lipstick to write “a rum pum pum pum” in big bold letters on the front side of the mattress. Place your creation out sometime mid-March for greatest effect.
If you do it just right, they take you to a place where you will get a new mattress, and where the walls are mattresses too!
"donating it"
Rip off the material, and take the innards to a metal recycling plant near you, for free. (Disclaimer, I'm assuming metal recycling places take things for free in your area)
Eta. Oops. I didn't read. I'll delete.
pack it as tightly as possible, and put it in a stage-box (think musicians, drum set, etc). Go to random hotel check into room with your "instruments" for your "gig" tomorow. switch mattress before leaving next moring.
infect it with bedbugs, then leave it on the street with a free sign.
Fold it length way, rope around each end. Open the middle stick a bit of wood in it......and canoe. Bonus old pillows on a stick for a paddle
Put it in the blender piece by piece and flush it down the toilet Or put it in your pocket and feed it to the birds in the local park.
Rip it to shreds, stir fry it and feed it to the homeless.
Stick it in the front yard with a sign that says
Free soiled mattress!
Whomever takes it is now your bff
No sign required, you have a big canvas already. Just need some spray paint.
If you burn all the fabric off and tie the springs behind yer truck and drag it down a gravel road it'll level it out pretty neat.
Sorry, this is the correct answer.
Fire, and lots of it!
Put it out the front of your house with a sign saying 'Free mattress to fuck on, so long as I can film you doing it".
Burn it. Burn it all down.
Burn . It.
🔥 🔥 🔥
Recreate that scene from the first triple x where he fly's off the bridge but instead of a car use the mattress
Solving puzzle boxes
Curb stomp training pad
Put it on the side of the road and do curb service.