My wife came out as gay last night
Wasn't sure if I wanted to put it out there, but I needed a place to let it out. I suppose my situation was too good to be true. Dated for years, but the marriage itself did not make it to a single year, at least unofficially.
It's been a stressful time. She previously had a government job under an agency that doge culled. She loved her job. I realize that as a society we work too much, but to some degree people do want to feel productive and that many people find their workplaces to be places of belonging. She apologized for taking so long to come to this conclusion, but she mentioned that this time away from work has helped a lot with self-reflection.
I was aware that she considered herself bi previously and that she had relations with women before. I wasn't aware of the extent of it. She told me she felt compulsory heterosexuality for a long time, but wasn't entirely sure of it and I was her last chance in regards to men. She told me she still loved me, just not that way, and that I was the best partner she'd ever had, that she was remorseful about not being compatible in that regard. We discussed a lot of more private feelings, mostly trying to understand and showing concern for each other.
I support her. If that's how she feels then that's how she feels, and she deserves to be happy. I'm not angry with her, and we're not leaving each others lives, just changing roles. It still hurts a lot, but that's life sometimes. It isn't anyone's fault.
That said I'm glad I won't be doing anything tomorrow. I'm just struggling to function right now. And yeah, that's how it's going.
Edit: I slept in today quite a bit. I've read through most of the replies and it really melted my heart. I cried a bit. I didn't expect so many kind words or this much encouragement. I appreciate a lot of the advice too. I don't really know how to express any gratitude beyond this. I will try to reply a bit more later, but I need to take some more time to myself for a while. Thank you.
That must suck for you OP, but credit to you for being such a stand up guy about it. The fact that you haven’t even hinted as to any sort of ego bruising as a result of this shows a level of emotional maturity that’s uncommon and admirable. I wish you luck if you decide to hit the dating scene down the line.
You flatter me. I don't really know how to take it like that. This is just two people being themselves. We haven't done anything wrong besides being incompatible in certain ways.
And I appreciate the kind wishes, I'm not sure if I'll try later. She is one of the only people in the world I can say I have ever felt comfortable being vulnerable around and I'm not sure that I could build up that trust with anyone in the future.
I understand how you feel and I understand you believe that now. Give yourself some time to heal. And you'll be out there again in no time. You won't even know it's happening when it's happening. As humans, we naturally reach out to people. You don't ever have to download an app, but I know you will find people that will make you happy even if you decide ultimately not to get in another relationship. But don't deny yourself happiness when it stares you in the face.
This guy is the dad I wish i had...
Dude Dont blame the dad Being emotionally mature is not easy
I think the OP is entitled to be more upset than he is - I presume his wife didn't intend to hurt him, but the fact of the matter is that she did, and IMO marrying him while being wrong about whether or not she was actually sexually attracted to him was real wrongdoing on her part even though it wasn't deliberate.
I can't speak for OP's wife, but she may have honestly thought she felt that way about OP before realizing over time that she didn't. It sounds like there was at least still legitimate romantic attraction, if not sexual. Processing attraction is not made any easier by how much most societies condition the concept of heteronormativity.
It sucks to find out that late, but the amicable separation is at least a better outcome than trying to prop up a loveless marriage for years and years out of guilt. Agreed that OP is entitled to feel upset, but I don't think it's entirely fair to put her in the position of the offender (however unintentionally) when she may likewise be feeling awful about everything.
Well, a lot of downer comments here in a way, so even though you probably don't need it maybe, here's a half glass full ego boost for you:
Apparently you're such an amazing guy, you made a lesbian think she's bi so strongly she went as far as marrying you. Like, you must be charismatic, kind, and charming as heck for it to have gone that far, if you think about it. An asshole dude on the other hand would have caused her to doubt she was ever bi.
So yeah, at least I think it's safe to say if you ever do get in another relationship with someone more hetero, it should be very likely to be a great success. And, you still come out of this with potentially a best friend too while at it.
That's legit a great takeaway
Good take. Also in this post he comes off a kind guy with a healthy mental state and balanced perspective, at least on this, so that's probably one of the things she liked about him.
At least you got that going for you. Which according to my research (living) is more rare than it should be, so congrats on that!
The other view of this is that the ex felt compelled by society to play hetero (and hedge by saying bi) because she felt she couldn't fully commit to being gay because of how it might affect her life.
It's that OP's love and nurturing support allowed the ex to grow into herself and realize who she is a person. It's a rough break as the result of that, there's no way around that. OP is the egg that hatched a songbird. But either way, OP deserves mad credit for having given someone the gift of knowing who they are and being able to express it. I think it transcends sexuality to something far higher.
And yeah, it'll take OP years to get around to feeling only joy about all this. But they'll feel it one day, and it'll be amazing for them.
I head a very similar situation start roughly 7-8 years ago. She came out as lesbian after assessing the possibility of being bi, and i was struggling myself with also the possibility of being gay. I primarily identify as ace, so plenty of confusion. I settled with bi for now, but anyway, she fully publicly came out in 2019 and got nothing but support, except from my family. They are currently no-contact for many reasons. There were a lot of rollercoaster emotions overall.
Anywho, were still besties, and we have a house that we share, and she just got engaged to her true love, and i can't be happier for them. We're in the midst of a very amicable divorce (nothing to split and no kids), and it's been kinda nice to be solo
I know this is a more peculiar situation, but it worked out in the end 😁
If my family were involved they wouldn't be supportive, but I would not allow them to harm her in any regard.
I consider myself demi at the moment, but with just how much it takes for me to bond with anyone I do sometimes it feels that I may as well be aroace. It's hard to describe the amount of important aspects that we share together that made us functional together even if it only took one fault to make it impossible.
We're still going to live together for the time being. I might be more bothered by sharing the same bed than she is. We do want to separate at some point so she can pursue love on her own, although she doesn't feel a lot of confidence about that.
She wants me to try dating though, but I also just don't feel any confidence about finding anyone.
Honestly, the least she could do for you after pulling the rug out on you like this is hit the couch.
She probably would if I asked.
It's her bed though, and we agreed a long time ago that neither of us would in any circumstance take the floor or any other space that's less comfortable than the bed.
We will look into separate sleeping spaces in the future. It's not the closeness that bothers me as much as it is how she mumbles in her sleep. Nothing that she has ever said in her sleep hinted at this, and judging by last night it's probably not going to change. I don't think I'll be alright hearing it every night.
Yeah, family loss is still the toughest thing to grieve through, especially if you had ideal perspectives of them. However, that veil for me slowly cracked and crumbled at first, and finally blew apart when my dad said the following to my (then) coming out: "It's all about this woke generation."... that right there solidified my choice.
I pondered about demi as well for a bit, but I would really need to sit and think about where I fall under the ace Plinko. The dating thing for me is basically non-existent as noted in an earlier comment, and it's a combination of still trying to feel right in my own skin, and the confidence like you mention. Also, I'm older now, and being that I kinda played a reverse bachelor, as now I get to settle into that life where I can just chill.
We shared the same bad for a while afterwards, however there was a point when it started to feel weird, like kinda coming to the realization after the initial choices. But now, I have a kickass basement en suite, kitted out just the way I like it :)
I kinda had the same problem with working through my sexuality. I started hetero because I was raised in the south so of course I wasn't gay. Then, I thought... hmmm, these girls aren't doing it for me. And so, I tried with guys. No, that's not it, either. Maybe I just haven't found the right one, yet. So, I kept bouncing back and forth thinking maybe I'm bi, because neither turned me off, but neither turned me on. Turns out, I'm ace. It took 30 years to sort that shit out, and honestly it was a youtuber talking about how they felt and how they discovered it that made me realize exactly what I was going through. Unfortunately, I have a long string of exes that didn't end well because I wasn't emotionally mature enough to understand what I was going through. Hopefully OP and anyone else struggling has a better outcome.
Good to know in not alone in the confusion! I'm in a spot now where i don't need a relationship to thrive. I find it better to try and make/retain friendships for myself. Plus, getting myself active keeps the dread away... That and therapy lol
I watched a lot of ace advice channels on YT, Ace Dad Advice being one is my faves.
Facts! I have as many friends now as I did in High School, and the pressure is all off because I don't need to push any of those relationships to another level. We can just be friends, which is one of the most freeing things in the world.
That is nothing short of a gut punch. Don't be surprised if you feel as though someone died, because in a way they did: the image you had of your wife, the woman you believed you knew but apparently did not. You thought you were going to be married for life, or at least for a very long time, and now that is just as gone as if she'd been run over by a truck. Your life, as you have known it, just exploded, even when there's no one to blame. Don't make it worse by underestimating it, and thus overestimating your own ability to take it.
It is totally understandable that you're struggling to function right now. This is far more than a changing of roles, even if outwardly that's exactly what it is. Inwardly, your entire universe just tilted on its axis in a way you never even imagined. It's going to take a while to feel right again. And while you may not be angry right now, you are probably going to experience some intense anger later, as well as other unexpected reactions, and these may come as a shock when they arrive, so just know in advance you're going to be going through some changes with this so that you're not floored when they come.
You are in a place right now where talk therapy -- counseling -- would be extremely helpful for you. You can't speed up the grieving process, but you can get mired down in it. A good counselor can keep you moving through it, as well as provide a safe place every week where you can just tell the truth about where you are and how you're doing, and they listen, and they help you remember your deeper truths, the ones that didn't change, while you make your way through this mess to the new normal. You can start it and stop it whenever you like; it's not like you're subscribed. But a good one is worth their weight in gold for where you are right now. (Note: unless you know for a fact you share their faith and beliefs, I'd actively ask and specifically avoid any "faith-based" counselors right now.)
But if you can't or don't want to pursue counseling, at least be sure to care for yourself. Take care of your body and your health. Get sleep (that might be your first goal, if you need to rearrange sleeping quarters from a shared bed). Exercise -- moving around -- even long walks help a lot. Don't worry about any of the extras, doing the bare minimum is fine when that's all you can do. Right now, making it through the days is a big accomplishment, and while you won't get any awards for it, just getting through this moment really IS a big fucking deal.
You were you before her, you were you with her, now you have to find who you are after her. And you will. It's just hard. I'm glad you reached out here for some support. You're not alone.
I think your last paragraph is really helpful. I went through my own divorce a decade ago, and wish somebody would have told me this. There was a you before them, and there will be a you after them. Its so easy to get stuck in this funk of, who I was with this person, and grieving the life you had. Getting stuck in the past, and not being able to move on.
the other thing people need to hear is that if you go through a divorce right, as in take care of yourself and process stuff, your life will be better than before.
i lost multiple long term relationships and years later, i realize that I'm way happier now than I'd have been with those people. But at the time of the breakup I'd have never have believed that and I life was totally hopeless and futile and I was deeply depressed. Sometimes the relationships we are in, especially dishonest one's like OPs, are really what is holding us back. You can't be happy when you involved with an unhappy person, and I hope OP looks back a few years from now and realizes how much better their life is without this dishonest person in it.
Your marriage may be finished, but you are an amazing human being and you succeed at being a good person. I'm sorry for your situation, it sucks, but with time you both will be okay and find new respect for each other. Sending Internet hugs.
The last woman I messed around with before realizing I was gay was essentially perfect. She was nice, healthy, great smile, genuine, fun... My lack of sexual attraction feelings for her were what convinced me I was gay. It was like "Well, if this isn't doing it for me, there's no bisexuality in my future." Your wife probably really liked you and thought were perfect, and probably someone other woman will think you're perfect too in the future. Your wife was just gay, and probably wished she liked you because you're so perfect, probably felt like maybe she could make it work because you're so great.
I have known people that were the appropriate gender for me, were interested in me, that were nice, healthy, great smiles, genuine, fun, smart, kind... And I had absolutely no attraction to them.
Sometimes you just aren't attracted to someone, even when everything should be right. Sometimes you're attracted to people that you know for sure would be absolutely terrible for and to you (like the person I felt limerance toward that was a literal crack addict, probably sleeping with people for drugs, definitely a mean person, deeply mentally ill... ...and none of that affected how I felt). You can't control your feelings; feelings just are. The best you can do is control what you do with them.
I know what you are saying is true, but I believe if I were heterosexual that I would have been attracted to her. I have not had the same-sex equivalent of that experience (a guy who seemed sexy and cool and wonderful and I just didn't feel sexual with them when close).
You've already vocalised all the important stuff you need, right there.
The is the most adult story I have read in a while, and that's meant on every level.
OP I hope you and your wife/partner/best wingman ever(whatever y'all land on 💜) the absolute best. All the hugs.
We've had one wife, yes. What about second wife?
Its a deep disruption, but atleast... At least its not finding out shes too close with two defensemen from the local AA hockey team. Now i cant even enjoy another Utah Mammoth game as long as i live.
Fuck. That's rough. I got cheated on while she was on a two month trip to Israel. I wasn't Jewish enough (at all). And it was summer '23, right before things escalated. I had to make sure it didn't turn me into a hateful piece of shit, but couldn't watch the news for a long time
Shit, at least you’re not dating a Zionist anymore though, right? I’d consider that a bullet dodged.
Bro. Are you doing okay? Holy shit.
Hey OP, I can't say I understand the hurt you must be going through but just know that you're a damn good human being and it will get better man.
I know it hurts a lot right now. At the same time it is a huge compliment that she chose you as her last try. You got to be amazing.
I saw this post last night and I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to respond earlier.
I know a couple that this happened to about 20 years ago. They were younger at the time, and it was like she was gay to begin with, decided not to be, married a guy, and after a few years decided it wasn't working out of nowhere and went back to being gay. It was very rough for him, he blamed himself, felt strung along, and was miserable for a long time before they broke up. I've seen where your at before. You'll get through this and be better for it. Just...not this week, probably. Give it some time.
First off, don't blame yourself for any of this, or for any feelings you may or may not be having. You didn't make her gay, you didn't break her, and likely couldn't have prevented this. You did nothing wrong. Which is not to say that there's even blame to be assigned. Society is crazy and can make people crazy. It's very possible that had your ex lived in an LGBT-friendly place before she met you, or had a family that was more loving and encouraging, or maybe even therapy to talk about some event or situation that led her to feel like allowing compulsive heterosexuality to change her, you never would have gotten married.
Second, people need time to figure out who they are, and a lot of people who got told they were shitbags and their careers were crimes and then were part of the development industry that is now almost entirely gone are all going through stuff right now. A lot of them spent years "being" their job, and now that they're free of that self-identity and people around them expecting the same person as 20 years ago, they're figuring themselves out for the first time in a long time. Decades of changes of heart might be wrapped up in that. Decades of growing as a person. Sometimes just in general couples grow apart, regardless of sexuality.
You're also experiencing huge loss right now. Nothing is going to change that and you just need to take time to process it, be with friends, be alone - whatever you need. I would say that studies show that aspirin does help ease heartbreak, and that drinking too much doesn't help as much as it might seem. Take some you time, get space, talk to anybody, get therapy. Whatever seems like a good fit for you.
I will say that the silver lining you might be able to claim here, one day in the future, is that your ex may have always been this person she is now, or has grown into herself like this. Not all people get the opportunity to do that, and it's your love and care and relationship that gave her as a human being the place to feel safe to be who she feels like she is.
Which is not to say that this isn't entirely 1000% shitty for you. You've given a lot of yourself. Rough are the hands of the gardener, and she's the flower. Which means that when taking time to step back, to get some space, look at yourself as well. Your life is changing, no matter what. How do you want it to go from here on out? Not a question to ask today maybe. Ask yourself in a couple weeks and a couple months. Ask yourself how the time being married helped you grow. What did you learn about yourself? What can you take from this experience and use to fuel you being a better person.
I'm sorry for your loss. Not just of a spouse, but of the life you expected to live today and tomorrow and next year. But you'll make it through this. It's always nice to have a 30 second training montage covering weeks of work. There's no montage here, just work. We're all rooting for you and want the best for you, and if you want to chat more just to talk through things, DMs are always open.
Might have been nice to mention this a year before the wedding rather than a year after.
Idk. It's nice to say this sort of thing generically. And if your friendship can survive the end of the relationship, that's healthy and good. But you've got every right to feel angry over what was an insincere commitment not a year earlier.
Don't feel that her revealed sexuality voids your right to your own feelings. For friends and family, grin and bare it. But for an intimate partner, keeping this kind of thing so late into the relationship is a kind of infidelity. The last thing you should feel is shame over your anger or your grief.
Good luck on the path forward. I hope you've got a circle of family and friends you can lean on along the way.
I can't say it would have changed much if I had known that she was questioning beforehand. She has expressed guilt over feeling like she experimented with me, but she has also stated that she said she wouldn't feel certain unless she gave us a chance.
I would have given her the chance if she had asked mostly due to how close we are.
As for family, they're maga, I have no ties with them. I have a couple of close friends. She seemed to have been preparing me for this as recently she was attempting to push me to socialize more outside of her own friends and family more.
I mean, I'll admit I've been out of the dating scene for a while. But there's such a high bar between "giving this thing a shot" and "co-mingling our legal status and financial accounts permanently".
Well, that fucking sucks and I'm double sorry.
That's the healthiest way to engage with this kind of shit. Being alone at the end of a relationship is miserable. You have to get out and do shit and be near other people. Intoxicants don't hurt, either.
Like, the pain goes away with time. But up front, do what you gotta do to survive the trauma. Friends definitely help with that, even if its just to hold your hair back and hand you a wipey when you've bombed out at the end of a night.
certainly seems like there's a middle path. having the anger, if it arises, but having agency over how it lives in you and how it gets expressed.
coming out is tough simultaneously as we are accountable for our impact on others
People know who they and what they want. They are just afraid to admit it until they are pressed or their back is up against a wall.
A lot of times their ideals are very distance from who they really are, and it's too painful for them to admit that, so they just go through life pretending. And everyone else around them gets to be collateral damage.
I've had this happen, I know exactly where you are. Only difference was that he came to the conclusion months before I was let in on it and was not given the chance to discuss it before he broke things off and assured me it was well, well over.
My heart goes out. It's heartbreaking. You're doing this right. It's hard but your heart is in the right place through the pain.
I'm cheering for you from over here. Keep being amazing.
It's ok to hurt, even relationships that end for understandable and good reasons hurt when they end. And you're not a bad person if you find upon reflection that you need some time separate.
You seem to be handling it in a good and mature way though. And so often in situations like this that's the most valuable thing you can do.
That's rough buddy.
Look its horribly crude and potentially not the joke you need right now.
But once you get over the hurt feelings and process it if you guys are still on great terms ask her if she wants to go cruising for some pussy. I cant imagine a better wingman. "Oh my god you should meet my ex husband, he's over there" most people will at least want to know why your out drinking with your ex and why she is trying to get you numbers.
I went through the same thing like 12 years ago. Married 15 years, wife comes out of the closet suddenly (I should mention, I caught her making out with a gal at a party, so she didn't have a choice really). It was hard to wrap my head around for a long time because, as far as I could tell, there was nothing leading up to it. We had a great sex life, mostly great marriage, kids, mortgage, the works. We argued like most couples do over money and things like that but it was never anything we couldn't solve. I found out that this is a lot more common than people think. I ended up in therapy because, like others said, it's like someone dying. The person you knew isn't really there anymore. At least, that's how it feels. My ex and I are friends now, and I'm friends with her wife as well but that took a lot of years. Talking to a counselor really helped me come up with, and stick to a plan. We got married right out of high school so really, we didn't even know who we were or what we wanted. No one should get married before age 30. Struggling to function is your right, so don't beat yourself up. I didn't eat for 4 days and lived mostly on coffee and cigars (she hated my occasional cigar, so when she cheated I went out and bought a box of them. petty but whatever).
How does this happen? Maybe they are biromantic? I don't get it, did she change orientation mid-marriage? How do you have an entire married life, and fake everything like that, or be unaware that you are gay for so long?
We live in a smallish southern town in TN. I assume she didn't really feel safe coming out, or maybe religious upbringing. Neither of us were ever religious but we were both raised in the southern evangelical church, like everyone here. I assume now she was at least bi-sexual, because yeah, how do you fake that? And it was never a "dead bedroom" situation. Maybe is was hormonal changes that triggered something. Who knows? I stopped trying to figure it out. She seems happy and after the dust settled, I'm happy too. Except that dating at my age is a nightmare. Some of our mutual friends have said it was like someone flipped a switch in her brain. So it wasn't just me that was surprised. I guess you never really know someone.
If my girlfriend suddenly came out as gay I would probably have an emotional breakdown, I can't imagine what you're going through. Big ups for being a genuine giga-chad about it though.
Good luck, bud. That's not easy, but if you found one, you'll find another.
This would be a very convenient time to discover you're trans
I jave a friend whos lesbian. Years ago, her partner ended up realizing they were trans, eventually transitioned to male, then a couple months later decided they were still gay- so now only interested in other males.
Weirdly common experience for trans people.
There’s a joke that E makes you like men, and T also makes you like men.
Personally E did not change my orientation towards women.
I don't have anything to add except that you legit are so attractive you turned someone bisexual for awhile.
You do have all the bragging rights. Every "my X is so Y that..." joke is now fair game. (I guess I might give it time before in front of her, of course.)
I hope you are able to delight in this later, with some distance, and after your next chapter starts.
In the meantime, hang in there. We're pulling for you.
I strongly recommend watching "Priscilla: Queen of the Desert" as a cathartic road trip Aussie comedy palate cleanser.
You sound like a good dude. Similarly, my best friend came out to me as trans a few years ago, and was terrified of their wife's potential reaction (I was the first one to know, and I'm glad they have that level of trust in me). In their situation it was a lot of worry for nothing, as the wife is pan, but still scary and stressful ('what if') for them. I imagine it was a similar emotional situation for you two.
I'm sorry that you are going through this, though it seems like you are doing the best that you can. Stay strong.
I think you're taking things the right way. It's okay to feel hurt because honestly it does suck, but it is just life. Sometimes bad things happen and it's no one's fault.
It sounds like it would have been easier had she been more upfront, but when someone is going through an identity crisis like that, sometimes they just don't know. Sexuality is a fickle topic with no clear dividing lines, so sometimes it just takes people a while to figure it out/deprogram/come to terms with who they are.
I certainly don't think you've done anything wrong OP, nor does it sound like she did.
But it's okay to be upset, and I don't think you should bury that feeling just for the sake of being stoic (not to say you are, just in general). Hopefully you can still rely on each other as you work through things emotionally, and remain amicable going forward.
I have held it in a little bit, but mostly out of need to. I have definitely cried whenever I've had the opportunity to.
I don't blame her with taking her time to figure it out, and I'm happy that she trusted me enough to even tell me. She deserves credit for that.
Figuring these things out is hard. It can take years, even decades, to really know yourself.
She has made an important discovery worth celebrating. It’s just really unfortunate that it also resulted in a tragedy like this. It’s a mixed bag, so having mixed feelings is okay.
Try to process those emotions. Name them. Experience them. Let them do what emotions do. They will pass sooner or later, and it’s all very human. Once you know your emotions, they won’t control you.
You do have a valid right to be angry with her if you were. From what you describe it sounds clear that she knew she was a closer to gay than she told you when you were getting together.
I'm not saying you should be angry with her, in fact if you aren't then that's probably good for you, but I'm saying that if you were angry with her then that would be justified, and if you are then it would be healthy to admit it to yourself.
Best of luck, things will get better eventually
I'm alarmed that OP isn't angry. It makes me think he has massively low self esteem and might have been in an abusive situation. He seems to only be considering her needs and wants and making excuses for her.
And having known people who react this way to relationships ending, they did indeed, have massive problems with self-esteem and relationship experience and all that. Maybe she did too. The whole things to me reads as if she is condescending to him and he basically sees nothing wrong with it.
I'd be more upset about her 'reasoning' about marrying him than anything else. Relationships end. Using someone else for your own desires to 'try to be heterosexual' is fucked up, especially going so far as to marry them. Pretty sure she could have figured this out without marriage.
It warms my heart that you still want to be friends with her and not rip things up completely. It must have been so difficult for her to come out, given that she would risk losing you completely. I hope you find a way to move forward from this. It is as you said nobody's fault.
My sympathies to you for having your life shaken like this...
It sounds like you both are very mature, empathetic people. Some things just have to play hard, not anybody's fault, but how you react is what you can (sometimes, in some ways) control. So good for both of you for trying to accept rather than fight what you can't change.
If it helps to hear, it sounds like you're doing a great job assimilating this in a healthy way. You deserve to feel whatever you feel, and to take the time it takes to feel it and process it.
You got this, dog. Whatever happens, you're also important and deserve love too ❤️
I had a friend who went through this the other way around and her partner came to the conclusion he was gay. She went to therapy for a while and I remember it being really rough for her to talk about even later (I met her a bit after this happened). She did get over it and met someone new a few years later after taking some time off.
I am sorry to hear about the heartbreak. I don't have any advice, but I hope both of you will find a way to grow into this new situation.
I deeply sorry. Give yourself as much time to grieve as you can. It's not your fault, but that won't make it hurt less. Sounds like you have been all anyone could have asked for.
If you can, reach out to your support system outside of her. Staying close is good in the medium/long term but some distance in the short can help you settle into a new normal.
Take care.
I'm stunned no one has questions. On reflection, were there any signs that may have indicated this? Did either of you initiate more in the bedroom or seem more into it than the other or was it about even? Was either more into the other person, putting more into the relationship, or more interested in marriage or was it equally reciprocated & mutual?
Feel free not to answer.
Oh there were signs in the last few months for certain. Like I mentioned before, she's been out of work, and depressed, so that masked a lot of the hints. I have noticed that she seemed as if she was genuinely trying to prepare me for this in some ways though.
Bedroom wise we both initiated quite often. She tells me she doesn't regret any of it, and she says she's confused as to why she enjoyed it sometimes more than others to the point where she eventually couldn't feel like doing anything. A lot was reciprocated, we've always had a policy about fairness.
Usually they hide it very good, even a closeted person can have hetero sex.
a lot of this thread is people being idealistically sentimental.
there are always clear signs. but just ignore them because it's painful and for a lot of people being wanted and/or being in a relationship is more important than the quality of the relationship itself. a lot of people would rather be with someone and be miserable than be alone.
This is a terrible thing to go through. I'm sorry it is happening. I hope better things come your way in the future.
This is beautiful in its tragedy.
I'm sorry you are both going through this but I'm glad for the way you are both seemingly handling it. You seem to really deserve each other as friends and I hope you both remain strong in that role for each other.
All the best from the other side of the pond.
Maybe you won’t be happy together, and coming to terms with that is hard. You may accept it on a cognitive level today, but accepting it on an emotional level can take time.
You both can still find happiness elsewhere. You both deserve to pursue and find happiness in your own way. I hope you both find it somewhere.
These kinds of lessons aren’t easy or fun, but they have a tendency to develop who we are. It’s an opportunity to learn and grow.
But it still sucks. 😢
All the best to you.
Really sucks, but if you play your cards right you may get breakup threesome sex or a lifelong wingwoman.
(I think these cards are mutually exclusive)
Being bi isn't really an excuse when you're monogamous. It's no different if your partner leaves for another woman or another man. I'd be frustrated as hell.
Like, you can be into both men and women. You can be into redheads and blondes. You can be into blacks and whites. But once you're married, you can't just alternate between them.
...? She didn't cheat on him, what are you talking about?
It's straight-up saying you've changed preferences. It's such a weak excuse to end a marriage. It's like asking for a change-of-mind refund on your underwear.
That's not even remotely an equivalent scenario, unless it's you that view romantic partners on the same level as objects to be worn?
You ok there mate?
Don't you mean lesbian ?
At least she came.... Right?
You happy with this comment?
2 day old account, no posts and every single comment removed. Someone is scared to blow up their main.
There's nothing to cry about! If she's gay or lesbian or trans or asexual. She's with you. You should help her find a girlfriend since you're by default her best friend. If that's what she wants. If she wants to leave you, then I guess that's her decision. I strongly believe that my relationship with my wife as my partner in crime is much stronger than any sexual feelings I may need to satisfy with porn or by having a sexual partner. It's just sex. So try to free her from yourself and maybe you could find a bi third wheel or maybe you each get a sex partner only for sex. What do I know.
Theres some pretty rough advice here, so I concur. The poor person has just found out they will no longer be with their wife.. trying to find a girlfriend for them is an unusual comment.
I'm married almost 20 years. Sex got nothing on us. I don't sleep with her and almost don't see her that much these days. She hangs out with her sister at their events. I go with them some times but usually I keep to myself doing my hobbies. When you get older it's just one person and another person. You can be gay or bi or anything else. If she wants him great if not, well you just let go, it wasn't meant to be.
Sure, that may be how you feel about a relationship, but absolutely nothing about this post indicates that, that is how OP feels about his relationship.
Ahh ok, fair enough, seems you and I have different expectations in a relationship which is fair enough.
That sounds like a weird take, because attractiveness and sex are sorta important parts to a functioning relationship as far as I'm aware (im not that smart btw).
Also saying "you should help her find a girlfriend" also seems very weird to me.
You might be a weird person idk or maybe I'm wrong idk but i think i'm right (because i'm really far up my own ass)
I'm weird I guess then.
Then you hang in there too, pal. We'll all get through this together.
Guy, you've been played and you're too calm about it.
Your comment makes me sad for you and how you look at the world
and what, pretending that many people aren't selfish, abusive, and manipulative users of others in romantic relationships and otherwise is what... good or something?
honestly, if this was the other way around, a man coming out as gay to straight woman he married, the responses would be VERY different.
People don't just come out as gay. The biological proclivity has always been there. In the wife's case she was fighting against it. Rather than experiment and waste ops time, she should never have married him.
I have some news for you. People do just come out as gay. People change throughout their lives. Sometimes someone grows beyond the modelling they grew up with and realizes what really makes them happy. This guy didn't get "played" as you put it. Did you even read his whole post? I'm guessing not. Your comment makes you seem like a total knob
I feel like your comment says more about your past relationship situations than OPs.
I'd be totally outraged if I was you. She dated/married you under false pretenses. It is totally her fault.
You deserve to be happy to. Why should you sacrifice your happiness for hers? I'm guessing maybe that's what you have been doing all along and that's why she 'chose you'. I'd feel incredibly used, and frankly, abused.
Well, good thing he's a better and more mature person than you
self-respect is immature?
Being a completely inconsiderate cunt is not self-respect.
It's understandable to be unhappy/frustrated at the situation, but completely vilifying her is indeed immature. Shit happens, people change. It's not like she planned all this.
it is actually not. she is not his wife, it is not his business.
True. I meant that it would be ok for OP to be unhappy/frustrated, not this commenter.
Being angry with people for hurting you and lying to you is vilifying them? Sorry, are you suppose to what, be happy they did it?
Shit does happen. That doesn't mean people are blameless for their actions. When a DUI driver kills or hurts someone, do you think they planned it? Of course not. But we still hold them accountable for the harm they caused, and the victims of their actions should be angry.
OP's wife knew she was struggle with her identity, and went into this marriage full bore. She knew what she was doing. Maybe OP is partially at fault for accepting that into his life, as well, but that assumes she was totally honest with him from the start, which she may not have been. As he says 'not the full extent', as in she downplayed or mislead him.
Then she further piles it on, as if this relationship was her 'last chance' to be straight. I wonder how OP would have felt if she told him that before they got married? By his account, her intent was to be deceptive and dishonest about her sexuality, perhaps to them both.
no, "me, me, me" is immature. that is literally toddler's level of development.
his wife's actions are entirely 'me me me'.
at what point did she ever respectful consider his feelings when she agreed to date him as bisexual? and then marry him? she didn't. she only considered hers.
go back to your cave.
right, you're the mature one, slinging random insults on the internet at strangers because they said words that made you uncomfortable. or they articulate a POV you haven't considered that challenges your sentimentality or sexist assumptions.
the height of emotional maturity, that.
you didn't make me uncomfortable, i just think you are immature clown. you are the one made uncomfortable and having meltdown because of someone else's wife who is definitely none of your business.
What’s the point of impotent rage? At this point you can’t argue someone into owing you recompense of happiness. OP has a right to be hurt, but anger is pointless and only leads to depression.
there isn't a point to feelings. but it's better to just express them and get them out than bottle them up.
denying feelings fucks you up and leads you to do messed up abusive stuff. Like OP's wife denying her feelings about her homosexuality and leading to this.
I can be gay and never have sex with a man. That's fine. But if I feel that way and I lie about it and date a woman claiming I'm not gay, that's messed up. I'm lying, and denying and hurting someone else in the process. And that is entirely my fault. She would not be to blame at all, she'd be a victim of my lack of honesty about my own sexuality.
Sounds like you are expressing YOUR feelings about this, and the OP is experiencing his, and you sound upset that his feelings don't match what you think they should be.
In short, you sound immature on a few levels
keep calling me names. clearly what is aid is very upsetting to you and you feel the need to attack me for it... maybe because the issue is your inability to accept someone else is different than you and has a different prospective and that makes you upset for some reason?
I'm not upset with OP. I'm empathizing and wondering if their perspective on this situation is emotionally healthy, since they seem to value themselves so little and value their partner so much. Self-sacrifice isn't a path to happiness or security in a relationship, it's an attitude that sets you up to be exploited and abused.
If that comment makes you feel "attacked" then bruh I don't know what to tell ya
calling someone names is attacking them personally.
Ok tabulartittyfrog I suppose you have been deeply attacked
Hurt is understandable. Outrage assumes malice.
Struggling to discover who you are isn’t the same as using someone. Most people commit to things before they fully know themselves. Pretending otherwise just turns human growth into a crime.
outrage is outrage, it assumes nothing. it's a feeling, it's not a argument or statement.
using someone to discover who you are is using them. Deny it and reframe it all you want, that's just the fact of the matter. they were not casually dating, they are married.
maybe for you commitments are meaningless and fickle, for many people they certainly are. but trying to pretend this is NBD, no harm, no foul, is just so bizarre and unhealthy.
So then outrage can be irrational. And when directed at someone, it becomes hostile. As rational people, we can parse and understand the outrage and turn it into something healthy, instead of caustic.
"Using" someone only has negative connotations to you because that's what you've ascribed to the term. But relationships are literally two people using each other, constantly. For love, support, stability, understanding, and yes, to find ourselves. When you enter into a relationship with someone, they become a reflection of you, and this reflection helps define who you are.
We are constantly, relentlessly finding ourselves, and we use everything and everyone around us in the process. This is so normal and widespread a process that I'd consider it a default human behavior. "I think I'm bi, but I might be gay, but I definitely love you" is just...something that someone can go through, and I genuinely can't think of a better way to parse that situation than to take a leap of faith into the arms of the person you love. Had she not discovered she was gay, it'd be a heartwarming story about finding love through uncertainty. But that's not how it played out, which is unfortunate for both parties. However, outrage would only serve to scar you both in that situation, instead of come away with a better understanding of how someone becomes who they are. No one's saying you can't be upset, but imo it's wiser to temper your emotions into something that deepens you into a more caring and understanding human. That is the harder choice to make, but it's also more mature than blind reaction.
you seem to be claiming outrage shouldn't exist.
i think using people is negative, yes. I'm Kantian.
That explains your dug-in heels and disregard for emotional intelligence.
Outrage exists as a signal that can guide us. It is not an imperative to mete out harm merely at its existence.
If using people is a negative, never ask another soul for a favor again. Never work for another person. Never pursue a relationship. Never ask for help. Never respond to a plea for help. You are alone and no one is here for you, nor are you here for anyone else. To cooperate is to use and be used. Therefore, you should reject cooperation.
right, i'm emotionally unintelligent if i think dishonestly is bad. if only i was a moral relativist, i'd be so intelligent.
you are twisting words now. according to you when i go to the grocery store i am 'using' the cashier. I'm not. using people is when you manipulate them for your own ends. when the grocery store manager emotionally abuses the employee to get them to work overtime wthout extra pay, that is using them.
But in your weird world view the manager is just 'emotionally intelligent' right?
Using people is using people. Change the definition all you like, but you're limiting yourself on purpose.
Listen man, your feelings don't require a villain. You make a conscious choice to infect your mind with ill will, and that's your prerogative. I can only say I'm glad the OP is the one dealing with this, and not you. They're handling things with an admirable amount of grace, and you'd handle it with less than admirable amount of animosity. Good luck with your life. I hope you don't hurt anyone.
Reactions like yours create the very situation you're so upset about.
Being gay isn't easy. Having kids is harder, because of homophobia. Holding hands and kissing your partner is harder because of homophobia. Getting married is harder/limited/impossible depending on where you are, because of homophobia. Coming out as gay can cut you off from your friends and your family, because of homophobia. Even learning to understand that you're gay is hard, because there is massive amount of pressure to not be gay, and realising that you are can often by a process of overcoming that pressure, layer by layer.
Before you have accepted yourself, you often can't talk about it with your partner, because you don't know how they're going to react. You risk losing your partner and turning your life upside down for a part of yourself that at the time, you aren't even certain is real. Of course, if society wasn't so shitty to queer folk, this wouldn't be an issue, because self acceptance would have come earlier and younger, but society is shitty, so it comes later and slower
And then when you do come to understand your sexuality, all of the other shit I mentioned becomes 10x more relevant. So then you start to think things exactly like you said somewhere else in this discussion, "I can be gay and never have sex with a man/woman". Why throw your whole life away, and upset the person you love, when you could just suck it up and pretend that you're not gay? And that lasts for a while, but it isn't sustainable. Eventually, you realise that you're making yourself and your partner unhappy anyway, that lying to yourself isn't solving anything.
So then you come out, you rip the rug out and just hope that everything doesn't turn to shit...
If society was less shit to queer folk, none of this would happen. But society is shit to queer folk and creates these very situations, whilst then blaming the victims of the bullshit for "not being honest".
If you're sincere, you'll dwell on these words a little. But I doubt you will. More likely, you'll dismiss them, come back with a response validating how it really is her fault, and validating rage as a response. Because your issue likely isn't really to do with her "hiding" the fact she was gay but rather, with the fact that she's gay at all.
oh right, because i think people being dishonest in relationships is bad and malicious... i'm homophobic! clearly, if i just stopped hating gay people, i'd be totally comfortable with people lying to other people in a marriage and see nothing wrong with it or any reason for it to make anyone angry. next time i meet someone who tells me their ex cheated on them and they are angry about it, i'll be sure to lecture them how it's clearly their latent homophobia that is what is going on, not their sense of human dignitar and respect.
am i also homophobic if i think cheating is wrong too? do the pressures of 'society' force cheaters to cheat too or something?
i mean i get it. the idea of accountability and responsibility is very offensive to many people. because it implies they are 'at fault' for the crappy things they themselves have done in life, rather than blameless victims of circumstance of a 'society' that forced them to lie, cheat, and manipulate other people for their own personal ends. just like 'society' forces people to DUI, right?
Yet I notice you take no accountability yourself...
really, what have i done that demands i account for it? have i lied to you personally or something? are we in a relationship? I wasn't aware.
Your behaviour in this thread, assuming it's representative of your thoughts and opinions when you interact with people offline too, is partly responsible for creating the situation that forces LGBTQ to suppress and hide themselves, that makes it difficult if not impossible for them to avoid the situations like the OP described in this thread.
That's something you could own and you could change.
But you don't, you instead blame the people who are impacted by folk like yourself, without looking at your own actions as part of the cycle.
1 your chance of divorce just increased by 90%. (Google it)
2 i recomend u read 12 rules for life, itll help w exactly this...especially when u reach rule number 10.
3 here's the excerpt I think would help best from the audio book, about a couple, infidelity, and why..... 8:44:00 @ https://youtu.be/k2D2V0YJVKk
summary: tomorrow always comes, you both enjoyed the bliss of ignorance for too long...because all you need for a problem to get worse is to ignore it. Now you can embrace the chaos, let the old you die, and be born a new. Its what u do when you life falls apart.
Let the old you die, making way for a new more pliable you, with a parasocial dependency on a tearful strung out grifter
It made me curious, like is the book intended to bring OP into the manosphere or red pill him or something? Here's the rules, most actually do sound good, but with some "is that really important?" and "oh that's about control" mixed in:
Like 2, 3, 4, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12 all sound like good advice. 1 is the take it or leave it one, 5 is about controlling your kids, 6 is about silencing potentially valid criticism (or letting perfection be the enemy of good).
That said, I just looked at the wikipedia page for it: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/12_Rules_for_Life
Who knows what the actual text says for each rule, though. It's possible he's written some batshit interpretation for them all.
The actual 12 Rules for Life aren't that bad. I read the book, and it got me into Jordan Peterson. It was only when listening to him on podcasts, and seeing him on the news did I realise that he's a right-wing grifter and slinger of hate and misinformation.
Yeah, there's another author that wrote a book called the 48 Laws of Power. You can tell from reading it that he doesn't care what you do with that knowledge, even gives many morally questionable examples, but the book is full of good knowledge that will help you understand power better. It changed my outlook on a bunch of things, about as much as How to Win Friends and Influence People did.
They aren't stupid on the right. Willfully ignorant about some things, sure, but even those align with their worldviews rather than being actual inconsistencies. We're all human dealing with human issues and good insight or advice can come from anywhere on the political spectrum.
Yeah why turn to a clinical psychologist whose book has sold 20million copies when life is hard.
I mean you can listen to this guy who has nothing to contribute instead!
Being a popular right wing grifter with 20m sales isn't the flex you think it is.
I would say that article they linked about him contributes a lot btw.
You calling Jordan Peterson a “right-wing grifter” isn’t an argument... its you admitting you don’t have one.
Millions of people reading his work doesn’t make him correct, but it definitely makes your drive-by dismissal look shallow. If the only way you can engage with ideas about precision, responsibility, or self-reflection is to label the author a cartoon villain, that says more about your intellectual comfort zone than it does about the material.
And flexing an article “that contributes a lot” while refusing to address the actual point I raised is basically the academic version of “I didn’t read it but I hate it.” If you actually had a counterpoint, you’d make one instead of hiding behind slogans.
If the best you can do is buzzwords and vibes, don’t be shocked when people treat your take with the same level of seriousness you put into it, which is to say none.
Let me get this straight. So OP posts an article detailing why Jordan Peterson is wrong. Your response is to say that he's successful and rich, how wrong could he be? Someone gently tries to tell you that him being successful doesn't mean he's right, and you respond by getting cranky at them?
Please give this page a read, and let me know what you think.
Wow, dramatic. If you read what I actually said instead of rewinding to “Jordan Peterson is wrong” in your head, you’d notice I wasn’t making an argument from authority at all... I was pointing out context you clearly missed.
But sure, keep pretending I’m defending him like he’s infallible just because you need a villain.
Hey, I totally forgot to give you some homework. Since you are suddenly the expert here, check this out and let me know what you think.
Dr. Chloe Carmichael, an actual clinical psychologist, basically says the same thing Peterson does. You have to notice problems early and actually talk them through or they just rot and turn into resentment. 🔗 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nervous-energy/202103/the-value-of-addressing-issues-early-in-relationships
Ignoring stuff does not keep the peace. It just blows up later. Pretending ignorance is bliss only makes the problems worse.
Even a broken clock is right twice a day. If Jordan Peterson told me the sky is blue... Well I'd believe him because he'd be right. But that doesn't mean he isn't a disingenuous cooker who spews scientific misinformation (and hatred) on the regular.
Tell her to pay you back the time you invested in her with money and use that money to date another woman.
Pay me back the time I invested reading this comment