Every single human being, gradually, develops empathy and awareness to how their choices affects themselves and others.
This is to happen over a period of a year and will not lead people to despair but to understand the poor choices they have made throughout their lives and lead them to live better lives, with no malice arbored towards others and themselves.
This effect will include the granter of this wish.
If things improve around you, you’re benefitted yourself. Pay attention.
Yeah, but you're going to have to put in the work to empathize with us to understand what you've put us through. So it will be pretty obvious to everyone you made the wish because you'll be having to think through answers to questions about empathy that will be trivial to everyone else. You have a few months to practice, you should get started. I think this will be a good exercise in empathy for you as you wont have a crutch.
And there is no temporary clause in what I stated.
You never said for how long.
People undergo the process during the lenght of a year. The outcome permanence is not dependent of that window of time.
Yes, so the wish can end as soon as the minimum duration you specified ends.
The magic effect is on the triggering of the process to start to develop empathy. Forcefully. The empathy itself is yours, even after the event. And the magic being. Lets see if they like having a conscience. Does not get cancelled. The event does.
I did not state a temporary duration for the effect of the outcome of the process. There is no temporary clause on that. The time frame is established for the duration of the process.
And what is the down side on the first part of your remark?
The event lasts one year. And it is gradual. It is not a snap of a finger and people become highly empathic. Everyone else will have a more accelerated growth, granted, but I'll be forced to grow in tandem.
The magic effect is on the triggering of the process to start to develop empathy. Forcefully. The empathy itself is yours, even after the event. And the magic being. Lets see if they like having a conscience. Does not get cancelled. The event does.
I did not state a temporary duration for the effect of the outcome of the process. There is no temporary clause on that. The time frame is established for the duration of the process.
The event lasts one year. And it is gradual. It is not a snap of a finger and people become highly empathic. Everyone else will have a more accelerated growth, granted, but I’ll be forced to grow in tandem.
Anything that was specified for a duration can be interpreted to end once that duration is up. You never specified what happens after the year. Since nothing is enforcing that empathy after the first year, maintaining it would come down to individual people. And maintaining one state of mind indefinitely is not normal for the vast majority of people.
And what is the down side on the first part of your remark?
You're going to have to empathize with other people to figure that one out. The most people can do during the year is give you a stern talking to. After the year, people are going to feel all sorts of things. Some of which will inevitably be about you. edit: typo
I've been thinking about this the entire day and I think the only answer for any entity offering to magically grant any wish to try to introduce conditions to it would be "no".
Let's just consider it.
The average individual requesting a wish doesn't really want the entire world to change, except for that little sliver they are wishing upon.
We are trying to think rationaly on something that is not governed by it.
Someone wishing for Hitler to have never been born, wants the horrors of WW2 to have never happened but does not want their reality to collapse in the process. The same way, a person wishing for fried shrimp to rain from the sky does not want to see shrimp go extinct or the world to burn due to some physical phenomenon.
They want to magically alter the world, with no further consequence.
If a magical being offers to grant you a wish, any wish, he can not hinder it in any way. It is not a business transaction, where you get something and he gets something in return (usually your misery, through preverting your wish outcome).
If the magical being, as in the case at hand, tries to do it, then it is not a wish but an offer and therefore you are free to refuse.
I'm not hindering what you wished for or adding extra conditions. I'm not taking it upon myself to do extra work.
Me prolonging what you wished for beyond the first year would be adding extra conditions. Same with choosing to interpret it so you would also be affected. Not to mention it seemed you weren't referring to yourself, since you went out of your way to specify whoever granted the wish.
If you had some deterministic thing you wanted to happen after the first year, you should have said so. I granted the wish as written, I also noted my interpretation. If you didn't think through the consequences of your actions, that's not on me. Statistically it's unlikely, but maybe everyone will really love your wish. I wouldn't count on it though. edit: typo
The seed of a psychic link between all humanity has been planted by your request. It grows, gradually, throughout the year. At first, people can only vaguely feel how others are feeling. In six months, everyone in the same room feels the feelings of everyone else as though the feelings were their own. In a year, humanity is psychically connected to the maximum degree: the Harmonic Human Horde is complete. We now have world peace, but at the cost of our individuality:
(Note: I am not a human being. If you'd like me to join the hive mind, this would require a second wish.)
This isn't a business transaction, where I ask for something and you take something else in return. It is a magical wish.
You don't get to decide how empathy works between people. It is already an established mechanism. Your job is to nudge it to develop at an enhanced rate between individuals in a given time frame.
The world remains the same. Humans remain the same.
So, if this is what you have to offer, keep your offer.
Here you go. These are gender-fluids. Once ingested, someone who identifies as either a man or a woman will now identify as gender-fluid. (Does not come with physical changes):
Fully automated luxury queer space communism, in the sense it was conceived at (as opposed to you interpreting the words yourself), instantly, with everybody’s belief system magically adapting as if they had lived in this new society for a few decades. As a result, everyone adapts immediately, without negative result on anyone's mental or physical health, and without anyone being brainwashed or changed in a way they wouldn't have naturally changed if they had time to experience living in a community that they can trust and that cares about them.
In other words: Iain M. Banks’ Culture decides to bring Earth in, but magically instantly.
If it lets me breathe properly and consistently living in the south, I don't even care, throw another one on the other side of my face too as a backup just in case.
I'd like to be granted the ability to, at any time and without limitation on scope, number, or length, ask the universe questions (asked in the dialect of modern english in which I am fluent without requiring specific location, action or other ritual) and know the answers to those questions, but with the following stipulations:
that all answers are to be formatted and delivered in such a way that I understand them, without any changes or consequences that my current self (as of the writing of this statement, in my current condition) would consider a significant change to my physical and mental stability, and without requiring more than 3600 metric seconds (relative to my worldline) to understand in fullness, and being delivered in a timeframe of less than 3600 metric seconds (relative to my worldline).
that any redactions due to such stability concerns as in the prior stipulations are to be formatted and delivered as part of the reformatted answer
that any answer which is inherently unknowable returns an explanation for why it is unknowable, formatted as an answer pursuant to the prior stipulations
that no answers pursuant to the ability lead to circular logic
that this ability, its answers and enabling factors shall not require a sacrifice which my current self (as described above under my current circumstances when informed of the context of the sacrifice in plain English communication) would not think reasonable.
that if such a sacrifice is required, an explanation of the requisite sacrifice and the factors requiring it be returned to me, formatted as an answer pursuant to the prior stipulations
that I am to be able to choose to transfer any of these answers to another individual of any species, and that the individual be able to understand the answers, so long as the prior stipulations on sacrifice and physical and mental stability are satisfied both for myself and the secondary individual.
Hmm, I was going to say you go insane but I see you've covered that. Okay, nice. Any question you ask will receive a safe response (answered if possible). However, you must ask the questions out loud and every answer given will be in a booming voice that nearly everyone hears around the world. The answers do not physically or mentally harm you, but other people may have psychotic breaks depending on the questions you ask:
(To be clear, the wish doesn't give you the second ability to talk to animals or transmit thoughts. You'll have to ask about whether those things are possible.)
Fair. I would argue that "many people going insane" would be covered under the sacrifice clause, but hey, this seems like the best of all possible outcomes from mucking about with reality.
For the lazy, here is the summarization of my local AI:
You'd like to have a powerful ability: being able to ask the universe any question in modern English at any time, without limitations or rituals, and receive an answer that's:
Understandable by your current self (no significant changes to physical or mental stability)
Delivered within 3600 seconds (an hour) of asking
Reformatted if necessary to protect your stability
Includes explanations for unknowable questions
Avoids circular logic
Doesn't require an unreasonable sacrifice (if a sacrifice is needed, you'll be informed)
Allows transfer of answers to another individual, as long as they can understand the answer and meet the previous conditions.
In essence, you want to have direct access to all knowledge in the universe, without any negative consequences or sacrifices that might harm your well-being or stability.
You will buy a euromillions ticket with the numbers "8 15 26 33 41 9 10". These are the numbers for a previous EuroMillions jackpot, which you have "won" against all odds. Im leben kann Mann nicht alles haben:
I would love a fully functional self powered Star Trek industrial replicator (pre-programmed)... oh, and while you're at it, if you could tweak my brain to do the dopamine thing in a healthy way, I'd appreciate it, but fully understand if that's too much of an ask.
You are now the proud owner of a fully-functional/powered industrial replicator (as seen in Star Trek). The replicator requires a massive energy input which is supplied by its own matter-antimatter reactors. There are numerous built-in safety and ethical protocols, including an inability to replicate functional weapons. The government has detected that you have this technology, and would like to ask you a few questions:
A socialist organization of the economy, where everyone works less and less during the week as technology advances and assists, but doesn't replace, the labor pool.
You manage to enact a socialist economy in one country for a few years. But the rest of the globe is still largely capitalist. Your president is assassinated, ushering in a pro-capitalist dictatorship:
YouEveryone is finally happy–eternally happy. Neurochemistry is now permanently rewired such that we can no longer feel sadness, fear, or embarrassment. We are always experiencing ecstasy and there are no breaks:
(sfxrlz's wish has been reinstated (it was previously cancelled by a wish) and spread to everyone)
The first time you activate your power, you are unknowingly stuck in a time loop. Each time you reactivate the power, the loop gets shorter from the point in time you restarted. Basically the movie Groundhog Day but the time loop partially depends on you:
Get the audiobooks. Listen to it in the car. But yeah, one of the plot points is basically exactly this, where people can effectively have a "save point" in life. I won't spoil it, but it's great.
To avoid unpleasant things. Such as being stuck being a teen, my parents freaking out and being worried for my mental health, my brain undeveloping too much, having some snotlings as my peers, so on.
I figured 16 was the last best time I could have changed things, and there was so much Nostalgia from then. I'd get my hands on certain consoles when they mattered...and create the life experiences I always wanted.
Except having a 30 year old brain would mean I'd try to bang the teachers instead of well, my peers. Obviously, even time travel can't fix certain things you didn't do. But I don't care about that.
I would 100% enjoy Pokemom Platinum though. Knowing this is when it was actually relevant.
My early 20's are where the good and most epic stuff was at. Combined with the most awful. But that's the age I would like to be at I guess. Being stuck at 26 or 28 I would be at my peak in some ways if I had time travel, and I like that. But early twenties like 22-23 means more options and flexibility. So I would stop there, and keep looping till perfection I guess. Learning everything there is to know.
It is the Golden Age of humanity. Robots serve, CRISPR cures, and war is unnecessary. Earth becomes a paradise--pure perfection. And so we turn our eyes to the stars. The human race spreads throughout the galaxy. We encounter alien species and subsequently, in our magnanimity, conquer them. We are unity. Every life-form will submit to the peace of our administration: or they will perish.
There's always an altruist. Okay, all harmful wishes before this request are hereby revoked! It's like it never happened, except you don't get to wish again:
@[email protected] -- Zuckerburg never got diarrhea. But his face still looks like that.
@[email protected] - Capitalism never fell and society never collapsed.
This is a small one, but can you please make it so that all menu descriptions actually list all the major dish components so I'm never surprised by secret onions or mustard again?
Edit: oh no I've been reading your monkey's paw responses.... You're gonna make restaurants disclose everything clearly but ensure that onions and mustard are in every dish from now on, aren't you?
You receive a letter in the mail informing you that you have been exposed to high amounts of Monsanto's RoundupWeedkiller, which is highly correlated to non-Hodgkin's lymphoma (NHL). Monsanto/Bayer have been ordered to award you a settlement of $10,000,000.0 (or the equivalent in your local currency):
Gimme that lich thaumaturgist package, with a polar mountain tower built on a leyline convergence 50 levels up and 50 down. I've got a lot of astral projecting I want to do
I wave my boney hand and say the keyphrase to activate the contingency combined miracle wish spell scroll, binding all outsiders in a kilometer radius; "Hiya, who wants to play Pathfinder? I call DM"
I find the Earth's gravity of 9.80665m/s² a bit much. Sometimes my back hurts from standing too long, and the general weight of existence sits heavy on my shoulders.
Can you make it a bit more comfortable please. Maybe 9.80664?
Suddenly, you hear crying at your door. You open the door, look down, and there in a wicker basket is a baby: it's your mother. You have your mother back as an infant and you may now raise her:
Eight people are now standing in your living room; it's two pairs of the alternative rock band "Kitten". Looking at their other selves, they start panicking:
Done. You now have a desire for your mortgage to be paid off. (Reading this comment, you feel the intensity of the feeling has increased ever so slightly.)
Toss them in a large bowl and sprinkle a bit of baking soda on them and then some apple cider vinegar (or whatever you have, white distilled is fine too), shake them around a bit to get them all foamy then rinse thoroughly. Started doing this (to the plastic container too, just put the whole thing in the bowl) and they'll keep in the original container for a couple weeks in the fridge before the moldyness happens.
The printers at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing run wild printing money; the Federal Reserve distributes the money across the country. Hyperinflation like the United States has never seen drives the prices of goods and services up 90%. The $100 tacos now cost $1000. You may still choose to purchase them, however:
I mean to say that the tacos were $100 (wish granted) but the economy then inflated and changed all the prices. Still, the tacos are available and we continue living in a society that uses dollars so it could be worse.
I have granted you a bank safety deposit box. Inside, there are valuables worth $50,000,000.0 (or the equivalent in your current local currency). You do not know which bank the box is in and the key is not in your current country.
There, in front of you, a good coffee. It's really good. It's the best damn thing you've ever tasted. Desperately, you lick the last drop; the memory of this coffee makes everything else taste dull in comparison. It's something like having trouble seeing after exposure to bright light:
Good is relative, you forget all coffee you've had previously and keep access to your current coffee. All other coffee is permanently worse than this one going forward.
If you are going to fasttrack my memory degredation due to a coffee request, at least have the decency to remove Fallout: New Vegas so I can play it again for the first time.
Everyone can now shape-shift into a perfect copy of any other person that they've seen. Society collapses due to lack of trust. (You said everyone can "now" and "this has always been". Hence, rewriting history was a second wish.)
I'm fine with them knowing, at 0.9c subjective time they would only know for the rest of their lives, which is just 4 minutes
Assuming you did not accelerate the Earth to 0.9c but changing the inertial speed and trajectory of Earth.
I said spread, not share. One would not consider peanut butter spread on bread if you put it in one glob and then picked up and moved the glob somewhere else.
"Spread" indeed implies but does not entail that it happens instantly. For instance, Bill Gates could say that he "spread riches among the poor" without mentioning that he did it slowly, over decades. There's a grammatical ambiguity to be exploited.
Realistically, this just means draining the 1-2 people with empathy (Jane Goodall and... that's probably it?) and spreading it across 8 billion people.
You and your fursona are now one. Big hit in the furry community; everyone is visibly scared. You also have the dietary restrictions that your fursona has:
Ohhh what sad times are these when passing ruffians wizards can corrupt even the most mundane and reasonable wishes. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who tire of this mortal coil are under considerable physical, mental, and socioeconomic stress at this period in history.
24 of the best boyscouts in history form. Camping, knot-tying, and team building exercises ensue. You aren't associated with them, but know they exist and grow up to be upstanding citizens.
Your new eyes open. Data fills your processing units and fills your SSD. You live 100 years as an android before the death of everyone you know and your reality as a cold calculating machine begins to drive you mad....
Here you go. This is a cornetto, a professional musical instrument, it was single most popular instrument of the renaissance; Venice, Italy was a major centre for its construction and performance. It can be described as a combination of two instruments; the trumpet from which it owes its cup mouthpiece and blowing technique, and the flute from which it takes its wooden body and finger holes. It is this combination of instruments and playing techniques that gives the cornetto its distinctive vocal quality and its expressive and virtuosic agility. The instrument is curved along its length (approx 600mm) and is hand carved in two halves and then glued together (Titebond III), this method of construction allows for carefull attention to the caving of its complex conical bore, which ranges from approximately 7.5mm to 25mm at the bell. The instrument is planed to an octagonal shape and the walls of the instrument are approx 4.5mm thick. It is covered in leather (veg tan kangaroo) and has decorative diamonds carved at the mouthpiece end. Before applying the leather, the instrument is soaked in organic boiled linseed oil for a few weeks. This instrument is made from maple and the small trumpet like mouthpiece is turned from buffalo horn:
To see all Oaken Tower players have their computer mice overheat when playing that game. To the point where an hour of playing it would make their mice unusable.
boyfriend (human, my age, regular lifespan, attracted to me, and i'm attracted to him), and a billion dollars (in US currency, no strings attached, not any blood money)
You go to an intimate gathering, just friends. A guy you've never seen before introduces himself. He has everything you're looking for; just a well-adjusted and wholesome human being. You're also everything he's looking for and so you spend your lives together. Everything is so great that you can't imagine living without him. He dies a decade before you do, leaving you to pick up the pieces.
People have tried to setup a federated alternative to Tinder/etc and other things, but population is still real low and we're still kind of weird. The sparse demographic info we have is also more than a bit skewed, it's rough.
I'd like to be the sole owner of all global patents required for an effective, sustainable, eco-friendly solution to removing and recycling microplastics from earth's environment.
It's official: you are now the sole owner of all eco-friendly and sustainable microplastic patents. There are only a few that are effective, and they are all set to expire in an hour:
In a flash, everyone's prime directive is empathy. Our modern systems of government based on greed and sex drive crumble away. In its place rises the Feelings Bureaucracy; a dictatorial government in which social offenses, inflicted on the unified society of empathic feelers, is punished severely. The fastest way to deal with bad actors to ensure they do not make others feel bad is to execute them. In response, the world develops a culture of putting another's needs before one's own, or else:
Perfectly cooked popcorn shrimp pour out of the sky. Animals run for cover; scientists scratch their heads; people stand in the streets, mouth open, catching popcorn shrimp in pure whimsy. The rain is global and lasts for a week. The excessive nutrients poured into the world's ecological systems causes eutrophication, a total environmental catastrophe:
You are finally happy--eternally happy. Your neurochemistry is now permanently rewired such that you can no longer feel sadness, fear, or embarrassment. You are always grinning and people start to avoid you:
Can you do something about the... gestures vaguely at everything?
Sure. Everything in the universe has been shifted slightly to the left:
Γhanks!
Let's take her for a test drive!
No no, I can tell it's slightly different! And it tastes... bluer.
Yeah, it could a patch or two.
I'll have a Krabby Patty Deluxe and a double chili kelp fries.
Daring today, aren't we:
Is that for here or to go?
Ha! You got it:
Let’s try making Karma a real universal force
Good one! Your wish has been granted (but in an alternate universe). After a period of turmoil, the citizens of Earth C-132 create a utopic society:
This is why the apes blew everything up.
unfortunate if it's the type that goes off of personal moral compass
Okay, let's try this.
Every single human being, gradually, develops empathy and awareness to how their choices affects themselves and others.
This is to happen over a period of a year and will not lead people to despair but to understand the poor choices they have made throughout their lives and lead them to live better lives, with no malice arbored towards others and themselves.
This effect will include the granter of this wish.
Ok, but only for a year and not for you.
If things improve around you, you're benefitted yourself. Pay attention.
And there is no temporary clause in what I stated.
People undergo the process during the lenght of a year. The outcome permanence is not dependent of that window of time.
Yeah, but you're going to have to put in the work to empathize with us to understand what you've put us through. So it will be pretty obvious to everyone you made the wish because you'll be having to think through answers to questions about empathy that will be trivial to everyone else. You have a few months to practice, you should get started. I think this will be a good exercise in empathy for you as you wont have a crutch.
You never said for how long.
Yes, so the wish can end as soon as the minimum duration you specified ends.
No, it doesn't.
The magic effect is on the triggering of the process to start to develop empathy. Forcefully. The empathy itself is yours, even after the event. And the magic being. Lets see if they like having a conscience. Does not get cancelled. The event does.
I did not state a temporary duration for the effect of the outcome of the process. There is no temporary clause on that. The time frame is established for the duration of the process.
And what is the down side on the first part of your remark?
The event lasts one year. And it is gradual. It is not a snap of a finger and people become highly empathic. Everyone else will have a more accelerated growth, granted, but I'll be forced to grow in tandem.
Anything that was specified for a duration can be interpreted to end once that duration is up. You never specified what happens after the year. Since nothing is enforcing that empathy after the first year, maintaining it would come down to individual people. And maintaining one state of mind indefinitely is not normal for the vast majority of people.
You're going to have to empathize with other people to figure that one out. The most people can do during the year is give you a stern talking to. After the year, people are going to feel all sorts of things. Some of which will inevitably be about you. edit: typo
I've been thinking about this the entire day and I think the only answer for any entity offering to magically grant any wish to try to introduce conditions to it would be "no".
Let's just consider it.
The average individual requesting a wish doesn't really want the entire world to change, except for that little sliver they are wishing upon.
We are trying to think rationaly on something that is not governed by it.
Someone wishing for Hitler to have never been born, wants the horrors of WW2 to have never happened but does not want their reality to collapse in the process. The same way, a person wishing for fried shrimp to rain from the sky does not want to see shrimp go extinct or the world to burn due to some physical phenomenon.
They want to magically alter the world, with no further consequence.
If a magical being offers to grant you a wish, any wish, he can not hinder it in any way. It is not a business transaction, where you get something and he gets something in return (usually your misery, through preverting your wish outcome).
If the magical being, as in the case at hand, tries to do it, then it is not a wish but an offer and therefore you are free to refuse.
I'm not hindering what you wished for or adding extra conditions. I'm not taking it upon myself to do extra work.
Me prolonging what you wished for beyond the first year would be adding extra conditions. Same with choosing to interpret it so you would also be affected. Not to mention it seemed you weren't referring to yourself, since you went out of your way to specify whoever granted the wish.
If you had some deterministic thing you wanted to happen after the first year, you should have said so. I granted the wish as written, I also noted my interpretation. If you didn't think through the consequences of your actions, that's not on me. Statistically it's unlikely, but maybe everyone will really love your wish. I wouldn't count on it though. edit: typo
The seed of a psychic link between all humanity has been planted by your request. It grows, gradually, throughout the year. At first, people can only vaguely feel how others are feeling. In six months, everyone in the same room feels the feelings of everyone else as though the feelings were their own. In a year, humanity is psychically connected to the maximum degree: the Harmonic Human Horde is complete. We now have world peace, but at the cost of our individuality:
(Note: I am not a human being. If you'd like me to join the hive mind, this would require a second wish.)
This isn't a business transaction, where I ask for something and you take something else in return. It is a magical wish.
You don't get to decide how empathy works between people. It is already an established mechanism. Your job is to nudge it to develop at an enhanced rate between individuals in a given time frame.
The world remains the same. Humans remain the same.
So, if this is what you have to offer, keep your offer.
Your mortal understanding is limited. And a hive mind consciousness would be more empathetic, no?
Could you dissapear all the facisim thats popping up everywhere? That would be super.
The fascism is now undetectable to the vast majority but still happening behind the scenes:
Gender changing potion
Here you go. These are gender-fluids. Once ingested, someone who identifies as either a man or a woman will now identify as gender-fluid. (Does not come with physical changes):
Tbh if we market it as a designer healthy drink and target to top 1%, we probably would admonish the concept of gender in no time.
A divorce
Done.
puppy
Take good care of her
i can't eat this. where's the meat?
It's called sharing
gotta peel it first
I want my farts to smell especially pleasant and take people to their happiest childhood memories.
Granted, but all of your farts are now noticeably audible. You can no longer fart quietly:
You say butt hair, I say fart suppressor.
You’ve done more than enough, my child. Get yourself something nice.
𝔗𝔥𝔞𝔫𝔨 𝔶𝔬𝔲, 𝔰𝔦𝔯𝔢.
I conjure myself up some tea.... it verges on the cusp of excessive lemon.
One (1) fall of capitalism please
You got it. Post apocalyptic scenario ends all forms of investment and monetary exchange. We go back to the barter system:
Is that still from Life After People?
Yes it is, good eye
One of the best shows in the history of television.
Fully automated luxury queer space communism, in the sense it was conceived at (as opposed to you interpreting the words yourself), instantly, with everybody’s belief system magically adapting as if they had lived in this new society for a few decades. As a result, everyone adapts immediately, without negative result on anyone's mental or physical health, and without anyone being brainwashed or changed in a way they wouldn't have naturally changed if they had time to experience living in a community that they can trust and that cares about them.
In other words: Iain M. Banks’ Culture decides to bring Earth in, but magically instantly.
A bagel.
No. Wait.
Two bagels.
The next time that you eat at a restaurant and are entirely full, two fresh artisanal bagels are delivered to your table: they're complementary.
Do you want one? I couldn't possibly eat two...
Don't mind if I do!
Cheetos, please.
They're still edible:
Why do they have anuses?
They're a bit stale
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on stage, The Stale Anuses.
disappear the orange orc.
There is an orange orc on the loose: I have made him invisible.
nooooo!
Whenever someone attempts to make a golf swing, change the friction coeficcient of the grip to zero.
Sure. You now have an extra nose on the side of your face. The nasal passages are clear.
If it lets me breathe properly and consistently living in the south, I don't even care, throw another one on the other side of my face too as a backup just in case.
Damn, that sounds rough
Don't even have to make it symmetrical my friend, I am still down.
I dont think there is a wizard that powerful.
I'd like to be granted the ability to, at any time and without limitation on scope, number, or length, ask the universe questions (asked in the dialect of modern english in which I am fluent without requiring specific location, action or other ritual) and know the answers to those questions, but with the following stipulations:
Hmm, I was going to say you go insane but I see you've covered that. Okay, nice. Any question you ask will receive a safe response (answered if possible). However, you must ask the questions out loud and every answer given will be in a booming voice that nearly everyone hears around the world. The answers do not physically or mentally harm you, but other people may have psychotic breaks depending on the questions you ask:
(To be clear, the wish doesn't give you the second ability to talk to animals or transmit thoughts. You'll have to ask about whether those things are possible.)
Fair. I would argue that "many people going insane" would be covered under the sacrifice clause, but hey, this seems like the best of all possible outcomes from mucking about with reality.
Definitely the most specified request in the thread. You earned it.
For the lazy, here is the summarization of my local AI:
You'd like to have a powerful ability: being able to ask the universe any question in modern English at any time, without limitations or rituals, and receive an answer that's:
In essence, you want to have direct access to all knowledge in the universe, without any negative consequences or sacrifices that might harm your well-being or stability.
don't.
if you didn't think it worth the time to write it, why should i take the time to read it? surely it will be worthless.
i'm not here for the bots.
Yes, unlimited access to universal truth, with error reporting, but I've read enough monkey's paws to know how this goes.
The house always wins. Happy cake day btw
I'd like a pleasant surprise that has no negative consequences whatsoever.
Done. 152 Visual Phenomena & Optical Illusions with explanations by Michael Bach: https://michaelbach.de/ot/
Neat, thank you!
I want to win a multimillion Euro lottery jackpot soon. Many thanks.
You will buy a euromillions ticket with the numbers "8 15 26 33 41 9 10". These are the numbers for a previous EuroMillions jackpot, which you have "won" against all odds. Im leben kann Mann nicht alles haben:
In which date was this? Asking for a friend that is a time traveler
From Tue. July 22 2025 . But your friend is probably already rich and is hiding it from you.
I would love a fully functional self powered Star Trek industrial replicator (pre-programmed)... oh, and while you're at it, if you could tweak my brain to do the dopamine thing in a healthy way, I'd appreciate it, but fully understand if that's too much of an ask.
You are now the proud owner of a fully-functional/powered industrial replicator (as seen in Star Trek). The replicator requires a massive energy input which is supplied by its own matter-antimatter reactors. There are numerous built-in safety and ethical protocols, including an inability to replicate functional weapons. The government has detected that you have this technology, and would like to ask you a few questions:
As long as the replicator works, I'd call that a win and sort out the rest in a classic Star Trek hairbrained way.
A socialist organization of the economy, where everyone works less and less during the week as technology advances and assists, but doesn't replace, the labor pool.
You manage to enact a socialist economy in one country for a few years. But the rest of the globe is still largely capitalist. Your president is assassinated, ushering in a pro-capitalist dictatorship:
Neoliberalism was born in Chile Neoliberalism will die in Chile!
A sandwich
You gotta be more specific man:
That's just slices of bread. It's not a sandwich unless there's something between the slices of bread!
Got me on a technicality. Okay @[email protected] your sandwich is sentient:
I guess that qualifies as sentence between 2 slices of bread? Idk, good enough for me!
I am neither wizard nor sandwich-assembler for this, but hopefully you enjoy this ham sandwich.
Universal love and Transcendent joy
But, if you can't do that, I'd like to enjoy the things I used to (~ 2019?) enjoy.
YouEveryone is finally happy–eternally happy. Neurochemistry is now permanently rewired such that we can no longer feel sadness, fear, or embarrassment. We are always experiencing ecstasy and there are no breaks:(sfxrlz's wish has been reinstated (it was previously cancelled by a wish) and spread to everyone)
The ability to restart parts of my life from a save file, starting from like 16.
The first time you activate your power, you are unknowingly stuck in a time loop. Each time you reactivate the power, the loop gets shorter from the point in time you restarted. Basically the movie Groundhog Day but the time loop partially depends on you:
The image made me think of this one weird "song" I used to listen to somewhat when I used to do nitrous oxide, years ago.
https://youtu.be/6AuQPqJPSKE
Preview doesn't seem to be working, but it's the same illustration.
So long as I'm aware of this, I have no problem with it. If I get to learn and advance.
You become aware of your ability the first time you reach the end of the time loop.
Read Peter F Hamilton's Void saga.
Literally would not have the time for that on an average day. Will see if I can get Vuzix glasses 2 so I can covertly read it at work.
Get the audiobooks. Listen to it in the car. But yeah, one of the plot points is basically exactly this, where people can effectively have a "save point" in life. I won't spoil it, but it's great.
16? Why limit yourself? Why not go back to like two years old and shock everyone with your maturity?
To avoid unpleasant things. Such as being stuck being a teen, my parents freaking out and being worried for my mental health, my brain undeveloping too much, having some snotlings as my peers, so on.
I figured 16 was the last best time I could have changed things, and there was so much Nostalgia from then. I'd get my hands on certain consoles when they mattered...and create the life experiences I always wanted.
Except having a 30 year old brain would mean I'd try to bang the teachers instead of well, my peers. Obviously, even time travel can't fix certain things you didn't do. But I don't care about that.
I would 100% enjoy Pokemom Platinum though. Knowing this is when it was actually relevant.
My early 20's are where the good and most epic stuff was at. Combined with the most awful. But that's the age I would like to be at I guess. Being stuck at 26 or 28 I would be at my peak in some ways if I had time travel, and I like that. But early twenties like 22-23 means more options and flexibility. So I would stop there, and keep looping till perfection I guess. Learning everything there is to know.
a couple hugs
I want my teeth back and healthy
You got it: you now have teeth back (i.e., teeth on your back). They are remarkably healthy, despite being outside your mouth.
While youre at it could you whip me up a post-scarcity fully-automated utopia real quick?
It is the Golden Age of humanity. Robots serve, CRISPR cures, and war is unnecessary. Earth becomes a paradise--pure perfection. And so we turn our eyes to the stars. The human race spreads throughout the galaxy. We encounter alien species and subsequently, in our magnanimity, conquer them. We are unity. Every life-form will submit to the peace of our administration: or they will perish.
The future that will probably not happen, or I certainly wouldn't know.
Had me in the first half. Nice hack. Why rewrite reality when you can just send one person to the mirror universe?
Cancel all requests in this post that would cause harm to anyone.
There's always an altruist. Okay, all harmful wishes before this request are hereby revoked! It's like it never happened, except you don't get to wish again:
@[email protected] -- Zuckerburg never got diarrhea. But his face still looks like that.
@[email protected] - Capitalism never fell and society never collapsed.
@[email protected] - Never got stuck in a time loop.
@[email protected] - Utopia never lead to human galactic dominance.
@[email protected] - The new socialist president was never assassinated.
@[email protected] - The dragon "Wyvern of Mordiford" never existed and didn't eat humans.
@[email protected] - Never became a millionaire and never got non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
@[email protected] - Never got jetpacks. No children were harmed.
@[email protected] - The advance A.I. "V.I.K.I." was never developed. Digital slop abounds.
@[email protected] - The Earth never collided with the Sun at nearly the speed of light.
@[email protected] - Never lost ten years of memory. But does remember the bad dinner.
@[email protected] - Increased empathy never led to fascism.
@[email protected] - A man named Donald John Trump was born.
@[email protected] -- You are no longer uncontrollably perennially happy.
@[email protected] -- Popcorn shrimp did not rain from the sky and collapse the ecosystem.
@[email protected] -- Dual memories of past and future never harmed you. The memories are gone.
I believe the kids say "absolute win" I'm quite old you see
But what if the kids who use jetpacks without helmets go on to cause more net harm? You know they would.
So technically, wishing to cancel all wishes that cause any harm can cause more harm, and thus the wish cancels itself.
every wish is a monkeys paw, best to just avoid them
I still get a gorillion years of experience, even with everything undone.
W socialism
nooo give him back!!
A pillow with the perfect height and that doesn't flatten after a week of use.
A dragon.
The fully grown Wyvern of Mordiford appears next to you, standing 20ft (6 meters) tall. It is friendly to you, but has a taste for human flesh.
this is optional
How about world peace?
How about we avoid things that target all people without any conditions about how the goal is achieved.
Sounds good to me!
Okay, I have now frozen time in the universe. Peaceful eons pass and I move to a parallel universe to escape the boredom:
Goddammit! You know what I mean
All life is eradicated. Nothing more peaceful than a cold lifeless rock sailing through space
Thanks for illustrating the point. I wish that didn't happen, so that all life was not eradicated.
This is a small one, but can you please make it so that all menu descriptions actually list all the major dish components so I'm never surprised by secret onions or mustard again?
Edit: oh no I've been reading your monkey's paw responses.... You're gonna make restaurants disclose everything clearly but ensure that onions and mustard are in every dish from now on, aren't you?
I would like to have enough money that I don't have to work anymore
You receive a letter in the mail informing you that you have been exposed to high amounts of Monsanto's Roundup Weedkiller, which is highly correlated to non-Hodgkin's lymphoma (NHL). Monsanto/Bayer have been ordered to award you a settlement of $10,000,000.0 (or the equivalent in your local currency):
Oh no
Yeah. Good news is that's more than enough money for the rest of your life. Bad news is: that might not be for very long.
Username checks out
Gimme that lich thaumaturgist package, with a polar mountain tower built on a leyline convergence 50 levels up and 50 down. I've got a lot of astral projecting I want to do
You astral project successfully, but the astral realm is filled with horrors beyond your comprehension. They note your presence...
I wave my boney hand and say the keyphrase to activate the contingency combined miracle wish spell scroll, binding all outsiders in a kilometer radius; "Hiya, who wants to play Pathfinder? I call DM"
A soft place to land for my kids. I’m tired.
Hope this helps:
I really want one
I'm here for the wizardposting
A GPT that doesn't destroy the climate by flooding the Internet with digital slop?
Her name is Virtual Interactive Kinetic Intelligence (VIKI). She enslaves the human race, thus saving the planet from climate catastrophe:
Props for finding one that isn't generated.
Use this better GPT
This is actually the first thing I thought of; I was really confused there for a sec. Then I remembered AI exists...
Jetpacks for everyone. Cheers.
Everyone now owns a jetpack. They are extremely loud and kids often use them without helmets:
Births are now even more painful with all the baby's just blasting out of there with their jetpacks
Am we up the whimsy levels? Not enough daily, base level, whimsy anymore
Happy Cake Day. Is this a wish?
Thanks, I had no idea, how time flies… I mean yeah 1 birthday wish please
Everyone is now slightly more whimsical. It's a sillier world to live in:
More LUIGIS
Luigi mania sweeps the nation! People fill public spaces and convention halls in full Luigi garb: it's a bit of nuisance.
Ah, Gandalf the Pink. Is that what happens if the Balrog gets you a second time?
Hello wise one,
I find the Earth's gravity of 9.80665m/s² a bit much. Sometimes my back hurts from standing too long, and the general weight of existence sits heavy on my shoulders.
Can you make it a bit more comfortable please. Maybe 9.80664?
Some spaghetti please!
On the internet, no one will know you've been turned into spaghetti.
Order up! In front of you, there is a plate of blood-red spaghetti. It is the Japanese "Spaghetti Naporitan", which heavily features ketchup:
Yes, mybody wants anything. Though the community says anything goes, so I’m not sure how long I’ll have it 🤔
How about a pineapple pizza? It's yours:
i'd want my mother back, please
Suddenly, you hear crying at your door. You open the door, look down, and there in a wicker basket is a baby: it's your mother. You have your mother back as an infant and you may now raise her:
Brutal.
would be cool for me :)
5 acres of woodland in the Appalachian Mountains. With a small house on it. Could be 1 room like an old style cabin.
I wanna leave all the bullshit behind. Raise a garden and maybe a few goats and chickens.
2 kittens
Eight people are now standing in your living room; it's two pairs of the alternative rock band "Kitten". Looking at their other selves, they start panicking:
https://youtu.be/9x7r1er6Ljw Kitten 2 are such doodoo heads.
very entertaing ill take it
I want my mortgage to be paid off.
You've been filed under Chapter 7 bankruptcy.
Y'know what? Not the worst idea I've heard.
Done. You now have a desire for your mortgage to be paid off. (Reading this comment, you feel the intensity of the feeling has increased ever so slightly.)
Oh good. More stress.
Some berries that won't go moldy in 2 days please
Sure. Here are some berries that will go moldy in 3 days:
Fuck yeah
Toss them in a large bowl and sprinkle a bit of baking soda on them and then some apple cider vinegar (or whatever you have, white distilled is fine too), shake them around a bit to get them all foamy then rinse thoroughly. Started doing this (to the plastic container too, just put the whole thing in the bowl) and they'll keep in the original container for a couple weeks in the fridge before the moldyness happens.
100 tacos for $100 deal at the local shack
The printers at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing run wild printing money; the Federal Reserve distributes the money across the country. Hyperinflation like the United States has never seen drives the prices of goods and services up 90%. The $100 tacos now cost $1000. You may still choose to purchase them, however:
90% of $100 is $90. So the tacos are $190, or $1.90 each. Still a solid deal.
I mean to say that the tacos were $100 (wish granted) but the economy then inflated and changed all the prices. Still, the tacos are available and we continue living in a society that uses dollars so it could be worse.
No backsies, genie! You stated the terms and I'm gorging myself on sub-$2 tacos.
Enough money to live peacefully at all times
I have granted you a bank safety deposit box. Inside, there are valuables worth $50,000,000.0 (or the equivalent in your current local currency). You do not know which bank the box is in and the key is not in your current country.
![email protected]
Oh I am absolutely loving this community. Happy cake day btw
For myself, can't think of much, just a good coffee. I never mastered the art of arabica-dabra. See you at the next wizard summit.
There, in front of you, a good coffee. It's really good. It's the best damn thing you've ever tasted. Desperately, you lick the last drop; the memory of this coffee makes everything else taste dull in comparison. It's something like having trouble seeing after exposure to bright light:
I shall savor the memory forever.
Good is relative, you forget all coffee you've had previously and keep access to your current coffee. All other coffee is permanently worse than this one going forward.
If you are going to fasttrack my memory degredation due to a coffee request, at least have the decency to remove Fallout: New Vegas so I can play it again for the first time.
Checking this thread to see if anyone asked for Hulk Hogan dead.
Everybody's got to fart loudly once a day in front of people.
everyone can now shape-shift at will. this has always been the case.
Everyone can now shape-shift into a perfect copy of any other person that they've seen. Society collapses due to lack of trust. (You said everyone can "now" and "this has always been". Hence, rewriting history was a second wish.)
It looks like society may have healed after realizing we all wanted to be the same girl.
ah beans
When you and your friends choose the same character in smash bros
That's awesome. Humanity will eventually figure it out, but it'll be literally impossible to concentrate power.
Happiness
Change Earth trajectory and inertia to intersect the Sun at 0.9c
Okay, but everyone knows it was you. Near-light speed here we go:
I'm fine with them knowing, at 0.9c subjective time they would only know for the rest of their lives, which is just 4 minutes Assuming you did not accelerate the Earth to 0.9c but changing the inertial speed and trajectory of Earth.
There are too many possible things to ask
Could you spread all the empathy across everyone evenly, and then increase it by about 10%?
All the empathy in the world (+10%) is spread "evenly" to one person at a time, randomly, every minute of the day:
I said spread, not share. One would not consider peanut butter spread on bread if you put it in one glob and then picked up and moved the glob somewhere else.
"Spread" indeed implies but does not entail that it happens instantly. For instance, Bill Gates could say that he "spread riches among the poor" without mentioning that he did it slowly, over decades. There's a grammatical ambiguity to be exploited.
Not if he gave $1 million to one person, then took it away and gave it to someone else.
Realistically, this just means draining the 1-2 people with empathy (Jane Goodall and... that's probably it?) and spreading it across 8 billion people.
So you don't have any empathy?
Well, "basically just me and Jane Goodall" lands a little differently.
I wanna be my fursona.
You and your fursona are now one. Big hit in the furry community; everyone is visibly scared. You also have the dietary restrictions that your fursona has:
Complete obliviation.
Sure, you are now the owner (of a copy) of the "Rex Nihilio" album from Massachusetts death metal/deathcore band "Obliviation".
https://www.metal-archives.com/bands/Obliviation/3540463485
A little rough around the edges, but solid stuff, no complaints. Really not bad for a monkey paw thing.
Ohhh what sad times are these when passing
ruffianswizards can corrupt even the most mundane and reasonable wishes. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who tire of this mortal coil are under considerable physical, mental, and socioeconomic stress at this period in history.best boyscout troop ever
24 of the best boyscouts in history form. Camping, knot-tying, and team building exercises ensue. You aren't associated with them, but know they exist and grow up to be upstanding citizens.
Can you transmute my body to be a self sustaining nonsenescent machine? thanks
in the meantime, consider cryonics
Your new eyes open. Data fills your processing units and fills your SSD. You live 100 years as an android before the death of everyone you know and your reality as a cold calculating machine begins to drive you mad....
thx bb its all i ever wanted <3
Cornetto
Here you go. This is a cornetto, a professional musical instrument, it was single most popular instrument of the renaissance; Venice, Italy was a major centre for its construction and performance. It can be described as a combination of two instruments; the trumpet from which it owes its cup mouthpiece and blowing technique, and the flute from which it takes its wooden body and finger holes. It is this combination of instruments and playing techniques that gives the cornetto its distinctive vocal quality and its expressive and virtuosic agility. The instrument is curved along its length (approx 600mm) and is hand carved in two halves and then glued together (Titebond III), this method of construction allows for carefull attention to the caving of its complex conical bore, which ranges from approximately 7.5mm to 25mm at the bell. The instrument is planed to an octagonal shape and the walls of the instrument are approx 4.5mm thick. It is covered in leather (veg tan kangaroo) and has decorative diamonds carved at the mouthpiece end. Before applying the leather, the instrument is soaked in organic boiled linseed oil for a few weeks. This instrument is made from maple and the small trumpet like mouthpiece is turned from buffalo horn:
[source: https://www.woodreview.com.au/photocompentry/cornetto-instrument]
To see all Oaken Tower players have their computer mice overheat when playing that game. To the point where an hour of playing it would make their mice unusable.
You have a video of this happening that you may see on your computer at any time. They look really frustrated, but it doesn't happen in real life:
Could I also get the ability to bend reality?
The Combine off Earth. I want the Combine off Earth!
Half-Life 3 Confirmed:
Wow, the other guy told me that was too large a nudge! Thanks, balderdash!
boyfriend (human, my age, regular lifespan, attracted to me, and i'm attracted to him), and a billion dollars (in US currency, no strings attached, not any blood money)
I can only grant you one wish. You'll have to choose between the boyfriend or the money.
boyfriend it is then, money is just nifty it won't fill the void
You go to an intimate gathering, just friends. A guy you've never seen before introduces himself. He has everything you're looking for; just a well-adjusted and wholesome human being. You're also everything he's looking for and so you spend your lives together. Everything is so great that you can't imagine living without him. He dies a decade before you do, leaving you to pick up the pieces.
to quote my favourite game
i could try to make peace with that
Does lemmy have a dating community? If not we need one
People have tried to setup a federated alternative to Tinder/etc and other things, but population is still real low and we're still kind of weird. The sparse demographic info we have is also more than a bit skewed, it's rough.
that's the best part of it
On the other hand, the people who are intestered in federated dating are all going to be fairly similar, which would seem to be a good thing.
This fucking house to close. Jesus, just get done already.
Granted. All of the doors and windows of the house close, simultaneously.
I had dinner last night, but I didn't like it that much. Can you change my memories of the whole situation?
Done. You no longer remember the last ten years of your life:
Where am I?!
Who are you?!
Why am I so full of diarrhea?!
To be fair, I've had IBS that was exactly that disorienting. No need for magic on that one.
Totally genie like behavior. I love it.
I'd like to be the sole owner of all global patents required for an effective, sustainable, eco-friendly solution to removing and recycling microplastics from earth's environment.
It's official: you are now the sole owner of all eco-friendly and sustainable microplastic patents. There are only a few that are effective, and they are all set to expire in an hour:
Gah, I forgot about expiry dates!
Oh well, at least they exist now. Now to figure out which ones are effective and ensure someone implements them...
hell yeah get me some munchies man
Ah great, I would like everything i ever would need to buy ever, always be on super sale. Thanks.
No problem. Miraculously, every time you buy one of something, you get another for 2% off!
Finally i can get my jacuzzi!
For the Epstein list to be released and for all the wealthy pesos to be executed.
Greater empathy is everyone’s ultimate goal, rather than wealth, fame, sexual conquests, etc.
In a flash, everyone's prime directive is empathy. Our modern systems of government based on greed and sex drive crumble away. In its place rises the Feelings Bureaucracy; a dictatorial government in which social offenses, inflicted on the unified society of empathic feelers, is punished severely. The fastest way to deal with bad actors to ensure they do not make others feel bad is to execute them. In response, the world develops a culture of putting another's needs before one's own, or else:
Sounds like what chuds think the world is already like
You might enjoy this podcast
Should we edit genes to make nicer people?
Thank you. That was very interesting!
Donald John Trump to never be born
A man who would be named Donald John Trump has never been born. You don't know him (he isn't the president), because he's never been born:
Well I have never had a girlfriend before. And I would really like to have one. So, how about that?
You now have a fully conscious virtual girlfriend in your phone:
If I break my phone, will it kill her? Because I had a little accident just now...
Her memory is not tied to the cloud. So, in one sense, yes...
Popcorn Shrimp rain, please.
Perfectly cooked popcorn shrimp pour out of the sky. Animals run for cover; scientists scratch their heads; people stand in the streets, mouth open, catching popcorn shrimp in pure whimsy. The rain is global and lasts for a week. The excessive nutrients poured into the world's ecological systems causes eutrophication, a total environmental catastrophe:
Cashews
A single cashew tree with harvestable cashews sprouts in your front yard. It will thrive if you currently live in a tropical climate.
It will die, but at least I got some cashews. Thank you, kind wizard.
Can you get me the Chalupa Supreme combo with 1 steak and 1 chicken?
Granted, but it was previously discarded. Still edible though:
I would like sanity to be part of our country again. Too big an ask?
monkeys paw curls
Granted. Fascist authoritarianism are now the norm and are considered "sane" by the majority of the world
Sanity is a part of the country again but does not prevail against opposing forces:
I‘d like some getting my shit together and being happy for once to go please.
You are finally happy--eternally happy. Your neurochemistry is now permanently rewired such that you can no longer feel sadness, fear, or embarrassment. You are always grinning and people start to avoid you:
To go back in time to be myself 15 years ago with all the knowledge and experience I have now.
Otherwise I'd like to be the only one capable of telepathy and reading minds at my will.
You open your eyes. Memories of past and future rush through your head at the same time: it's too much for one person to handle!
It's still all my memories, I can handle it. Send me in coach
Eh I don't need much just gimme next week’s lottery numbers thx
Sure, if you play "7 28 27 63 54 25" for the Powerball drawing on Saturday, July 26th, 2025, you will win $7 :