So, this is a masturbator according to a Swedish medical textbook from 1918.

So, I wrote this satirical piece a couple of years ago in a satanic subreddit. It did not go well, which I found ironic and funny. I think the general argument was that it would upset people and also make satanists look bad.

What I wanted was the reader to see the clear connection to circumcision and that it claims to have religious, sexual and scientific grounds.

Our children, when born, should immediately, or at least within a reasonable time after birth, strengthen their covenant with Satan.

Our third tenet prohibits essentially all types of modifications and mutilations to others' bodies without their consent, but it can be argued that a young child does not know what is best for them and, furthermore, at such an early age, cannot understand our seven tenets.

Therefore, I argue that we can deviate from our tenets for the well-being of the children, especially if we consider the fifth tenet, which recommends that we act based on the best understanding we have of science and scientific evidence.

When it comes to modification or mutilation of children's bodies, tenet three and five contradict each other in principle.

Thus, it is reasonable to mutilate a child's body if the mutilation is done on scientific grounds, enhances the child's qualities in life, and strengthens the covenant with Satan.

My proposal for this physical modification of underage children is to quickly cut or surgically remove the frenulum linguae, the frenulum under the tongue, immediately after birth.

Between 5 and 10 percent of all children are born with a tight lingual frenulum and may have difficulty with breastfeeding as a result. Furthermore, a tight lingual frenulum can cause a deformed tongue when the child's tongue is stretched, as well as difficulty for the child in pronouncing certain sounds.

In addition to helping children with this issue, such an intervention would also give the child the ability to stick their tongue out in a way similar to Gene Simmons (Chaim Witz), which I find really cool in a satanic spirit.

For heterosexual boys and homosexual girls, one can also argue that this operation provides advantages in sexual intercourse later in life, especially in cunnilingus, but also analingus between homosexual men.

This will also result in indirect genital and anal hygiene for individuals who want to receive oral sex in the forms I have described above, benefiting society as a whole.

It's a long read, but the pope gets it in the end....

What is the worst thing a child can experience? It is a difficult question with many layers. It would be rational to argue that the worst thing a child can experience is death, especially when it is not a natural death, and many would probably agree with that statement without having to think too long.

However, one could argue for things that are not as definitive as death, and here we can look at ourselves as adults. Perhaps the worst thing is not a quick death, but a more prolonged process where we are forced to live with illness or a disability that prevents us from having a normal life.

Once again, we need to look at a child's life from a broader perspective and what is best for the child. Or in this case, as I will explain below, what is the next best thing for the child.

It is difficult for society to intervene in all the negative aspects of a child's life. Our task as a society and as parents around a child whom we suspect is struggling through childhood is to provide the protection and security that we can without judging or, for that matter, intervening in a case where it turns out there was no danger to the child. In these cases, intervention may be more traumatic for the child and the parents than the child's underlying problem.

We, as a society, have difficulty protecting children who are suffering, and even though we have social services and the police, we know that there is a significant number of unreported cases where children are suffering without any help at all. If we are lucky, these children grow up to become an essential part of our tolerant and humble society. If we are not so fortunate, a child's difficult life can result in criminality later on.

It is unfortunate, but there is actually something worse for these children and our society. It is growing up as a Catholic criminal boy with syphilis.

Our society can intervene here with mild methods without condemning and maintaining our tolerant stance, which is so popular now.

Without bringing up statistics and condemning anyone, I believe we all know what I am talking about. Something that the Vatican and the Pope are happy to keep quiet about.

Let's call it "the slightly salty and oddly bitter communion."

Let's create a society where all little Catholic boys are given a pair of religious pants with a small sewn-in orange pocket. In that little pocket, the boy can have what is called an emergency condom.

The emergency condom is used when needed and then replaced with a new one. In this way, we prevent two terrible things from happening.

We prevent sexually transmitted diseases from spreading to little Catholic boys.

Catholic criminal adults with syphilis avoid wasting their seed and can use it for a purpose I will come to later.

While I understand that this is not an optimal solution and that the cost of this type of contraceptive will become almost unbearable for society, at least we save the hospital and other societal costs that generations for 2,000 years have had to bear so far and that would only continue to cost the society money and energy in generation after generation.

Back to point 2. We know that Catholics do not want or are not allowed to waste their seed, and this is where r/svenska_satanister has a fantastic solution. So fantastic that I still feel the sting on my back from my own back-pats.

About half of all Christians are Catholics today. That is a lot of people. They exist in all imaginable professions around the world. They work as nurses, pilots, doctors, and construction workers. Imagine if these Catholics could come together towards a common goal of preventing seed wastage.

My idea here is for Catholic institutions worldwide to start collecting semen from the emergency condoms. The semen is packaged in a safe and hygienic manner and sent with the help of Catholic forces around the world to the Vatican City.

The Vatican City, with its 224 cardinals, 5,000 bishops, the Pope himself, of course, 412,000 priests, 722,000 nuns, and 336,000 lay missionaries (?!). Everyone, with the Pope at the top, of course, will form some kind of hierarchical pyramid where the Pope, on a gilded wooden podium inside the church, will be fed with the semen from all Catholic criminals with syphilis. Naturally, the semen will quickly fill the Pope's little stomach and flow past the feeding tube. But, what did we say? No seed can be wasted!

This is where everyone else's role in the Vatican City comes in. 1,475,224 people gaze up at the podium where the Pope lies incapacitated. The semen flows from his mouth. A murmur spreads through the church. Cardinals, bishops, priests, nuns, and lay missionaries (?!) gather around the Pope and slurp up the remnants of semen.

In this way, we have solved both the issue of seed wastage and future food costs for the Vatican City. In time, there may be means to compensate the people the Catholic Church has crushed, imprisoned, exploited, tortured, and raped. I am aware that it will take time, but an important purpose must not lose focus due to time. Something the Catholic Church is familiar with.