I gave my wife a ring made out of coconut. Cost me $2 and she instantly dropped it off the balcony if the resturaunt we were at. The Thai owner of the place climbed off the balcony into the boulder field underneath and spent 20 minutes looking for it. Even after I explained that it was only a cheap coconut ring. He said the price isn't the point, it's the memories!
He found it, what a legend.

The hero yoshihiko for anyone wondering what the show is.

Maybe they're telling people to go touch grass.

If I recall correctly the fastest object ever was a manhole cover after an explosion. If it was sentient then it would be the fastest creature.
BRB, going to look up the incedent.
Edit: Here you go

Altered carbon, the whole resleeving of a person into another body. Made it seem like they could have done loads of stories in that universe with different actors.
Shame they only made one series.

My wife gave birth like this, right on the living room floor and my daughter came out in an egg. The whole thing happened so quick, the midwife only arrived a few moments before she dropped, lucky as she needed to cut the egg open and get my daughter out.
Meanwhile I was lying on the sofa with a broken leg trying to stop our cat from eating everything.

I was sat at home alone one night, have my first joint in months. Sat at back door looking out into the woods and think I can hear a girl sobbing. I must be stoned as hell. Then I clearly hear some girl shouting help me! In my pyjamas and Crocs I up and run off into the woods.
While running through the woods my stoned brain says to me if I were planning an ambush, this is what I'd do.
Shut up brain.
Find a young woman sobbing in the pitch darkness off the path in the woods.
Calllm her down. She had an argument with her boyfriend and he took her phone and left her in the woods, she doesn't know where she is.
I offer to drive her to the hotel she says she's staying at.
Halfway there I see the cops coming out of the station and flag them down, they were just on their way out to look for this girl.
I tell them what happened and they said I could be on my way.
Thank fuck as I was too high to be talking to cops.
Turns out that girl and her boyfriend work at the hotel with my mate, he says this happens once a week, her boyfriend had in fact not taken her phone she had it all along, he just walked off when she started causing drama again.

Get out of here with your facts, ruining our fun

It really seems like they don't want us owning anything anymore.
First it was the software, it because license agreements.
Now it's becoming too expensive to own hardware and we'll have to rent it from them.

We have Irn Bru and it's made from girders.

It also has some of the most amazing Adverts

That is how you spell pheonix and I don't care what the Oxford English dictionary or anyone else says.

Season 1 of altered carbon and only season 1.

We do that. My friend and i have worked together across many jobs and industries over the last 20 years.
We recently TUPE'd from one company to another and we were worried we'd get split up as you never have two fully qualified people in our position in one team but we recieved an email from the new company saying they had recieved word from our previous employer that under no circumstances were we to be split up as we work as a team and get more work done than any 3 other teams.

It's what I like about him, you know exactly what you're getting with a statham movie.

The lead engineer at a site I work on from time to time is on a 3 on 3 off rotation (weeks) on an offshore oil rig.
It turns out he was having to miss some of his trips because he had to 'look after his ailing father'.
It turns out he was spending this time working another lead engineer job, for the same oil company but in a different country.
He got away with it for months until some issue came up and he had to call into the office and they noticed his number was from another country, Saudi Arabia.
Haven't been back to that site in a while so I don't know what happened to him but he's certainly not working there any more.

My father caught my smoking weed at the back of the house at 16 after I had finished a shift at 0300 glass collecting in a local nightclub. He looked pissed and said we'll talk in the morning. The next morning he sat me down and said he smoked weed until I was three years old.
His advice was.
"smoking weed is fun and can help you relax but you must always remember that there's more to life and weed may stop you from seeing that, stop you from doing the important things in life, so don't let it become your entire personality."

This, and to stop giving your kids sweets.

In that case Felix Baumgartner is the fastest human being.
With a top speed of 843.6 mike's per hour.
Ussain Bolt and suck it.
Edit: if the autocorrect mistake is funny, just leave tit as tit is.

I started balding in my late teens. Shaved my head for the first time at 20. Never looked back. Wished I'd done it sooner.
Still remember an offhand comment from a girl who said I have a nice shaped head.
A quick once over with the clippers once a week and you're good.
Whatever you decided to do don't stress about it! I'm sure that will only make it worse.
Bonus: the freshly shaved head acts as velcro to keep your hat on during windy days!

This reminds me of it's always sunny when Charlie, who is illiterate, realises he can read Irish gaelic because his childhood penpal, who turns out to be his father, wrote to him in Irish.