Creative Writing Rule
Sorry for LOOOOONG lol. It starts out a little weird and moody but it gets a lot weird and funny moody after a bit. I hope it at least slightly amuses you in spite of the tone.
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Everything sucks.
That's your conclusion. The latest in the line of... whatever. Last time you saw anything good happen it was right before someone literally shit all over the kind deed. And then culled everybody in sight because of fucking course.
That includes you, by the way. Yeah, you're actually a ghost. You're just house sitting until someone decides to take up residence here again.
You're kidding, obviously, although the experience was reminiscent to something the reader may have heard before.
Yeah, the feeling leaves a mark.
How about it, your friend is messaging you.
::: spoiler Messagelog
-- turgidTypewriter [TT] began mogging forlornGelatin [FG] at 11:04 --
TT: yo wassup bro
TT: broletin
TT: yknow
FG: For the last lorn, it's gelebro
TT: goin with a username pun i see
TT: bold but outmoded
TT: outmoded by ur mom hah
FG: Enough pleasantries
FG: What is it
TT: honestly i
TT:
TT:
TT:
TT: forgot
FG: Mk
-- forlornGelatin [FG] left the mogversation at 11:09 --
:::
Well that was unproductive. Unproductive enough that you think you'll turn on your automogsponder for a while. You demo it for the reader...
::: spoiler Messageloglog
-- someOne [SO] began mogging forlornGelatin [FG] at TI:ME --
FG: This is the fire department
FG: Whatever you're about to say, remember
FG: I'll be rushing to your pants afterward
FG: Or I may as well be because I'll pretend you're lying
:::
A masterpiece. You ask the reader to direct their criticisms to the hand. You mean pant.
Uncharacteristically you decide to message someone else.
::: spoiler Messagelog
-- forlornGelatin [FG] began mogging thisIsntEvenTheMaximumLengthOfAUserNameLOL [TIETMLOAUNLOL] at 11:11 --
-- forlornGelatin [FG] left the mogversation at 11:11 --
:::
You know what, nevermind. You don't want to have to deal with their whole length shtick. You probably just saved yourself a quettabyte of text downloads. You used to think the purge moglogs button was for privacy or security purposes, which it definitely isn't because this person exists and cannot be allowed to further monopolize your data storage resources.
They messaged you a full text only copy of Homestuck just because you mentioned you hadn't read it.
Let's go outside.
::: spoiler Thoughtlog What the fuck :::
You are not going outside.
You are... not. You decide to be someone else and... oh no-
.
Your name is Tommy Turgidax, and you have a special announcement for the reader.
It turns out the combined penis enlarging cream, pill, and enema you've been selling on the gray market is illegal, so you've had to move a level deeper.
You now sell only in the Dorian Gray market.
.
Bluh, fine, you'll keep being you. Fucking ads these days, are you right?
Besides, who would even watch a show about a depressive, pho suicidal megalomaniac who is uncomfortably good at making people buy useless bordering dangerous things when one could just walk alone and unarmed into an unlit gas station at midnight for well under half the social cost.
You think, anyways. Anyway? Fuck language all your homies use $!))(90
()_ *so anyway_?......
...
You think you'll go watch that new episode of Turgiwads.
::: spoiler Turgiwadlog
Tommy: You see, the trick is to put an open parenthesis on one bottle, and the closing parenthesis on another!
Tommy: Then people will be forced to buy both!
Tommy: Sometimes, the only thing that ever frightened my genius frightens even me.
Tommy: Now, chop chop, we've got a lot of fat to move during this transition.
Dorian: Well well well, nice operation you've got here.
Dorian: Say... when was the last time you ever sold one without lying?
Tommy: I never lie, I just steal the truth from under peoples outreached thumbs.
Dorian: Impressive.
Dorian: But that will not save you from... THE FDA!
Tommy: Drat! My greatest enemy.
Tommy: If only they had forgotten about the second letter in stead of the first!
Dorian: You're surrounded.
Dorian: Surrender, and I'll take these packages off your hands.
Dorian: Otherwise, I'll settle for yours.
Tommy: Oh, you always knew what spinned my gizzard.
Tommy: Fortunately for my libido, I can edge on all night.
Dorian: You disgust me.
Dorian: Guards!
Tommy: Hah. You think they still follow your lead, after a full 24 hours in a room with me?
Dorian: Oh, I'm counting on it.
Dorian: In fact, it's this very moment that I've been preparing for since I was a young child.
Dorian: My own market, my own thugs, truly. MAGNIFICENT!
Dorian: Now my own product! MA- gsfkllkasflajksdfjgioushdohffaji
Guard A: Thank you. Now my ex wife will love me again.
Tommy: Keep the whole box. Though you'll hardly need it!
Tommy: Now, where to next? Outer space! The FDA has no jurisdiction there!
Tommy: I know just the guy.
Tommy: He's the most vulnerable to my marketing out of anyone I've ever met.
Guard B: Here's your phone back. Are you sure this will work on my... v, you know?
Tommy: At least as well, if not better!
Tommy: Now, where was I?
Elon: AAAAH I'm so fucking high on ketamine right now what is it?
Tommy: I have a special shipment just for you.
Elon: WERE IS IT IS?
Tommy: But I need something first.
Tommy: Have you heard of deep space retail?
:::
You spend an embarrassing amount of time staring at the screen with your eyes glazed over. You would insert a remark about not seeing Dorian betraying Tommy coming but you haven't ever paid attention to the content of an episode.
The reader's existentially glad that a fictional character as absurd as Elon couldn't exist for real but more dumb, evil, and dangerous somehow.
There are actually 2 new episodes...
::: spoiler Thoughtlog What the fuck :::
You snap out of it, and by "it", well, let's just say fucking ads these days.
Or maybe just a regular mental break you guess?
.
If you couldn't tell, this is a Homestuck inspired style of writing. I wrote this as a creative exercise to take a break from my "fanventure" and adjusted it to rely less on Homestuck references. (most notably I replaced "ur lusus" with "ur mom")