Sounds like you're just butthurt that LGBT people have a safe place online where they can just exist and not be met with hatred, buddy.

I'm using GNOME on Fedora rn and it's bussin

Firefox, I hate chrome lol

Mostly my computer, but I've also got my PS3 beside me on the desk. For the whole family to use elsewhere is a PS5, Xbox Series X, Switch, and Wii U together, and yonder elsewhere is a PS2, N64, and a Sega Genesis. Sounds like a lot, and I also think we oughta slim that down. Too much stuff that not enough of us use to justify it.

Seems like it's TF2, but I haven't touched it in years. TF2, Garry's Mod, and Payday 2 were probably the only games I played for most of my pre-teen years, but nowadays I've been dipping my toes in a bunch of different stuff, even if it's not for very long. The one with the most recently would probably be Yakuza: Like a Dragon, by virtue of being crazy long.

I did fuck all yesterday, in the best way possible. I just chilled out in front of the computer, grabbed a bite to eat, hardly talked at all, and just fuckin took a break. I also made some plans to hang out with a couple friends of mine :o A great day indeed.

And in case I forget it, this morning I tried showering with music on for the first time. It actually helped a lot with how much time I take in there, allowing me to focus on what I'm doing instead of basically dissociating for an hour, while not feeling rushed because I'm listening to my favorite tunes ^w^

Both of them are great! ¡Ambos es lindos!

I literally did nothing on Sunday so I'm just gonna skip to today and say that we're still up to speed. (Future me, day 91 = Sep 3+4. It breaks the format but idc nobody reads these)

Today was really hectic, in the worst way possible. I woke up to - correction! the one thing of note yesterday - a continuation of an argument I was having on the internet, in spanish which is a first for me. I looked up various Argentine swear words for like an hour, it was... not my most mature hour, but nobody got hurt. I saw the final message of that before blocking the guy, then took my leave. Not a good thing to start on, but maybe it'll get better?

No. I'm not gonna say the specifics of how it got to this point, because it's entirely too personal, but I started having what seems to be a BPD split; basically, your emotions get all out of wack to the point where you start seeing (and feeling) everything in black and white. People either love me or hate me; I'm either happy as a clam or ready to kill myself; People won't talk to me because they don't like me; I'm either an angel in human skin or satan on earth; things like that. It's paranoia and self-hatred to the max. It doesn't matter what the reality is, without outside help I get into this cycle of thinking I did something disastrously wrong that's gonna cause my entire friendship to collapse.

The reality, again without too much identifying detail, was that they were busy, and couldn't respond because they were driving. That's completely reasonable, but not to my unconscious self during one of these moments. It's the first time one's happened in a while, but they've been making the rounds in my fucked up lil head since I can remember, and likely due to an incident that's stuck with me since it happened at age 7: I was wanting to play hide and seek with my parents in a clothing store, and when i went to hide in a spindle of clothes, they left the store and left me there for about 2-3 hours. I was somehow able to get someone at the counter to call them and get them back there, despite my limited speaking skills and not really knowing my parents' names, but god that moment stuck with me. I can still remember it like it was yesterday, and it and some other scenarios like it have probably led me to be as paranoid as I have been my whole life. All the broken friendships, the broken relationships, the reckless abandon I've had toward life... Yeah.

What helped then? The first thing I tried was complete sensory deprivation. Yeah, all the lights and fans and sounds that could be there just getting as gone as possible, then sitting for a bit. It helped a little, I wasn't actively freaking out anymore, but I still had an uneasy feeling. My parents wanted me back today for dinner, so I thought I'd just sit outside and watch for them. Fresh air, yknow? And some music too. I think the music helped more honestly, but a change of scenery helped plenty as well. Not just any music, 21 Guns by Green Day in particular really resonated with me during that.

Eventually, my brother came by and picked me up to leave for home. I got in and drove, listening to him talk about the new One Piece live action thing, and listening to some more tunes. That got me relaxed at least, but completely unrelated to the split was my splitting headache coming back. Love to see it.

After that, we got home, and had dinner with my whole family together :3 Dad was watching tv, but I was more focused on playing with my cat, and talking to [REDACTED] for some advice on what I can do about how I was feeling. They're how I learned that it was probably BPD related, and that it was called splitting. Future me, more about that in 090423notes.

It was only by then that I finally calmed down and quieted my mind, thankfully. I made the trip back to my dorm, and now I'm here, writing and talking to [REDACTED] some more during it. Let's hope tomorrow's better x.x

it seems like it happens enough to be an acceptable alternate way of saying the cost of something; I see it a lot, including (in fact mostly) by native speakers

Today was pretty nice. I got to all my classes just fine, did my laundry, met an old friend from high school, got mfin health insurance, and set up my desktop in the dorm :D A string of good things, and a satisfactory day.

Oh yeah, on that newly set up desktop, I was FINALLY able to figure out the fire temple in Tears of the Kingdom!!! The very last gong had me befuddled, but apparently the solution was as simple as looking right behind me where the next to last one was. That happens a lot, it feels like I hardly ever recognize the easy stuff, even after getting all the hard stuff.

Speaking of which, I found out that I'm also missing the antennae for the pc's wireless stuff as well as the power thing for the speakers, which means I had no way of hearing what I was doing. Not that I could've anyway, since my roommates were right beside me watching some Vinland Saga (i think that's what it's called? some sort of anime), and I was intrigued enough to listen in while i played. Weird show.

Right, I'm getting a decent workout lugging my school stuff around. I opted for a big ol suitcase thing instead of a backpack, because it holds a crap ton. Everything in there (7 notebooks, a laptop+charger, a calculator somewhere) works out to about 20-25 pounds, and by golly do i feel it. Didn't expect this to be how I get fit this year...

Last thing on my mind I guess is that this morning, i had a weird set of nightmares, or what felt like them. I woke up real early, stayed up for a bit, then went back to bed, and during that, it felt like every 5 minutes or so some new terrifying thing happened in dreams, like wandering around in a dark parking lot trying to find my car, or heading straight into a tornado, or swimming away from a humanoid sea monster. Freaky shit, would not reccomend whatever got that to happen.

I'll end on a positive note: I got word from one of my professors that there'll be a fun field trip we can do for fall break :v

Ugh, I'm not sure I can even stomache talking about today. So much went awry, and so much went "fine". Things don't always turn out how you want them to, but somehow, something else can get better along the way. Or at least, be the one good thing in a pile of crud. And you hold on to it until it balances out your soul, like holding on to an ice pack until it reaches room temperature.

I panicked a lot about if I did the right things, both last night and this morning, and even with out a clear answer, letting it eat me up inside aren't gonna get me anywhere. All I'd like to say is that I talked it out with the people I trust, and I went from panicking to numbness to joy. I took it easy today, and my sanity depended on it.

Are a lot of questions still unanswered? Yeah. Am I in a rush to find the answer? Not really; I got in a rush out of some vain prospect of treading unexplored territory, and while I still wanna do that, because I'm a young and spry girl like any other, I get the importance now of taking my time with it. As much as I hope to be forgiven, I'm not about to put much stake in that.

Sorry for the vagueness, but this is way too personal. And I'm way too tired. I'll end off by saying that I'm grateful for my friends, for music, for food, and for time. Goodnight :3

I had a lot of fun yesterday! Me and my siblings played hide and seek around the house (NEVER think you're too old for that!!!) and it was of course a blast. Our version gave a hundred seconds (1:40) to hide instead of 10, and that gave way to some more interesting hiding spots.

After that, I did the dishes in my sister's stead because I owed her one for something private. I'm not gonna divulge here. That was also fun though! I hit the shuffle button on vlc, and all the music it played felt just right. I still remember it; Walking on the Moon, One Bourbon One Scotch One Beer, Wonderful Christmastime, and Lochness. Say what you will, but those hit the spot for cleaning dishes at midnight.

Oh yeah! I've started doing these on my laptop, as previously mentioned, but now I'm on another laptop. My sister had a laptop she wasn't using, so I agreed to taking it off her hands. Why? It's a million times better as a machine. Double the ram (4 to 8 GB), a CPU worth sneezin at (an AMD A12-9720P instead of Pentium N3540), and it can actually play back video (the other one stuttered like hell on anything other than a youtube video, which meant I couldn't check my videos over before posting them here)!

The big catch with this machine is that the battery's on its' way out. it's been sitting drained in random bags for years, only occasionally getting dragged out and used. This started from my brother getting a new laptop and then forgetting about the whereabouts of this one, then it was used for a month or two, then my sister also stopped using it in favour of doing everything on her desktop computer and phone. All that to say that it's had ample time to make the battery fizzle out. The tools I checked with on linux say that the battery's at 85% of its' max capacity due to age. Not horrible, but not exactly reliable to use either. It's bad enough to the point where stressing out the machine too much while away from wall power makes it turn itself off. If you just do something light though, like word processing, it seems you get a couple hours out of it. Anyway, today's a big day, so I'm off! bye!

Yesterday had a pleasant discovery. I was starting to run low on the food that I packed, and I learned that I could now go to the restaurants on campus and actually eat food there!! They've been open the whole time but only for people who were staying the whole summer, AKA not me. Had the same mediocre pizza I missed for so long, and brought back to the dorm a few spoils of war (an apple, an orange, and a bowl of cereal). Great time!

Other than that, I was watching some youtube videos, and got reminded of the Lego Batman games. I had the first one on the Wii when I was a kid, and this was a video about that and the 2nd game. That reminded me that i had those games on my Epic account (they had a big giveaway when the store first opened that had every batman game for free, and I took up that offer), and got to it! Lego Batman 1 has been a blast so far, the same great game I played back when I was 4, and for the first time ever I've been getting farther into the game than I did as a kid! Back then I kept skipping around through the different chapters, so I never really got too far in any one chapter, but now, doing them in order, I beat chapter 1, unlocked the villain missions, and I'm now halfway through chapter 2! Great time. A classic honestly. Makes me excited for the 2nd game, and how it has voice acting and a full open world. I had the demo of it on 3DS as a kid, but didn't get far in that either.

Other than that, the freshman moved in yesterday and gave everyone an earful. So much screaming and shouting... I think there were people with drums banging them around too! I sound old saying that but damn it was loud. I was showering when it happened, so I thought someone was breaking into my room lmao

082423notes

Yesterday was fun, and fairly busy. after posting for the day, I sped-read the entirety of Plato's Symposium before my philosophy class started, and made some questions for class. I comprehended it, somehow, but it definitely deserves some deeper scrutiny, especially since it's relevant to me right now. Me and [REDACTED] are planning to take a look at it together :33

After that, I took to my diary, and wrote as much as I could in there about this month. I tried a different format for it too; I like talking, so instead of writing in paragraphs what I'd been up to, I'd give a brief list of what happened that day, highlight points I wanted to talk to my therapist about, and then during therapy (later that day) I'd say it out loud instead of 20 minutes of her silently reading at the beginning of each session. she could now go until she saw a highlighted part, I'd describe it, and we'd talk about it. There's some things I can't get myself to say out loud, but I can still write those kinds of things down.

So there was therapy, then since I was in town now I went to visit my family, got a fill of gas, and then drove allll the way back to campus to go to work. Nobody was in there last night so I mostly just goofed off and chatted with my friends. The amount they pay me is getting put into perspective...

I've signed up on a peertube site, thank you!

Here's the long and short of what I've gathered today:

One, my parents are flat broke. Their insurance policy apparently uses 90% of mom's paycheck. Two, me and my brother are apparently the reasons why. We're both adults, so the insurance gets more expensive to keep relying on theirs. Three, they're gonna cut off insurance access fairly soon. I technically have a job, but my brother doesn't, so that may cause problems for him. Four, if my job doesn't pay enough for insurance, I'll lose access to my prescribed medicines and my therapist. I don't need to say why that's not good.

The reasons I've been told are that everything is more expensive at the moment, that my mom changed jobs to one with pricier insurance and lower pay (but did so because it was an easier job that she's more capable of doing at her age), and that my dad just doesn't like that we're taking a BREAK during SUMMER BREAK. He didn't say that verbatim, but I can tell that's what he meant. Regardless, I'm not sure what I can really do. Or rather, what they want me to do. I already don't like them, it's not like I was freeloading for funsies. I guess they just don't get that even the easy jobs are a tough sell for employers these days. And on the reverse, some job "opportunities" are a tough sell for me. I actually got approved for working at Wal-Mart! Thing is, it's an hour's drive from the college campus, and that's relevant because that's a week from now. You want me to work for a week? I can't drive that far on top of going to college. So I turned it down.

I guess all I can do is see what's available around town when I move back in.

I also played ace attorney today, but that's like saying the sky is blue. I'm enamored with these games, what can i say? I'm at the very tail end of T&T. After that, I'll start packing, I guess.

I think the most I did yesterday was play Ace Attorney, including finishing the 4th game (what a gauntlet lawdy but it was worth it) so I'm gonna use this opportunity to start posting about today again :333

Today, my roommates moved in! That was fun, meeting their parents, and just enjoying the vibes while they got their stuff in. I only met one of them so far, the other one moved in while I was doing the next thing.

For about 6 hours straight, I helped two of my best friends move into their dorms :DD Gosh that was a ton of fun, we got all the stuff in, talked to their parents, rearranged the furniture, just so much stuff happened. Their room was pretty... unique, to say the least, in both layout and placement. I also got invited to a "goat dinner" by one of their moms, which is basically a picnic where you chill out with goats. It'll double as a birthday party too, I'm excited :DDDD If they're able to get me a seat there ofc, this was planned well in advance, and I just kinda asked out of the blue if I could go after I learned what it was. I got a kinda sneaky yes >:3

I also got a run-in with a couple other friends that were moving in on campus today, though they were also busy with everything. Did I mention today's the normal move-in day?

Anyhow, I ended the day off with some shopping, mostly bags of popcorn, and now I'm yonked out in the dorm :) my roommates are gone rn but that's fine. Busy day, but fun. :3

Ace Attorney. All day. Fun, but long. Tired. Goodnight.

Oh yeah! I also did my laundry while reading the Symposium, and I found out that night that they didn't dry properly, so the only clean clothes I have until I clean again are my two fancy dresses. I'm gonna be a victorian era lookin mfer out here

Ugh. I don't feel good. I'll get what happened yesterday out of the way here. Yesterday was actually pretty good! But I'm tired.

Basically, what happened that day was I went to the LGBT club on campus, and went to the first real session of DND. That and class was all I did. And dreading what I had to do today.