I’m becoming more and more convinced that a “woke” person is anyone who calls right-wingers out on being overtly racist/sexist/fascist. Or maybe anyone who just isn’t obviously racist/sexist/fascist.

Are you a school? ‘Cause I wanna shoot kids in you

Microplastic a found in FUCKING CLOUDS!! That nonsense is absolutely everywhere, and will be there forever. And wherever you go, it’s going to follow you. Rubbish

I’m so used to everything we do being another stride into a dystopian hellscape that it took me a moment to realise that this wasn’t (in any immediately obvious way) the government helping the fuel industry. This treaty is absolute nonsense, and should never have been ratified in the first place, so this is actually good news, unless they’ve somehow thought of something worse to replace it with

Hammer away on your Johnson, without fear of unwanted discharge

Behold, the master race! In all their glorious, unmisogynated genetic purity

Why did Italy ban lab-grown meat from Arizona in the first place?

One of my friends once called me pedantic, and I got to correct his pronunciation of it - he stressed the first syllable. One of the high points of my life.

In other news, water is slightly damp

Absolutely fucking brilliant. Not only is the waiting list for diagnosis four bloody years long, you won’t get any treatment at the other end of it. Just shoot me, dangling the carrot of help with no ability to provide it is worse than not offering it at all

This is why I like telling people that they’re one in a million. It sounds like a compliment, but I’m literally saying that there’s 8000 people exactly like you.

I’ve got a digital watch

Wait, are we supposed to think of influencers as humans?

Perfect

If ever there was a man who needs a high five in the face with a chair, it’s him

“Gonna manifest me some pork in the shower for my wife”

Black Dynamite

Oh no step-ladder, what are you doing?!

It’s really pleasing seeing the seconds all change in unison!

Bobby Fingers is the hero we need