The secret is that you have to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I stole some bullets from my workplace once.

I was unloading a truck at work one day, many years ago. One of the items on my trailer was a pallet of rifle ammunition. Whoever loaded this trailer on the other side of the country did a shitty job of it; plastic wrap was shredded, several boxes were torn open, the cardboard "do not stack" cone was crushed under the weight of a car engine, among other things. When I managed to exhume this pallet from the trailer, the plastic gave way, spilling dozens of boxes and hundreds of loose bullets all over my trailer and loading dock. While I was cleaning up the mess, I impulsively pocketed a few bullets for myself. Nobody ever asked me about it. I don't even own a gun. But I have a few bullets.

I remember General Electric got a lot of flak for a commercial of theirs, meant to "celebrate America's hard workers" or whatever.

They used the song Sixteen Tons.

Last Week Tonight is mainly known for taking deep dives into things people ought to be more concerned about, whereas most other late-night shows tend to focus on politics and pop culture stuff.

And to appease the invading forces, I also have a void:

My mother did, a few years ago. She won't tell me the offer she got (aside from it being "a lot" higher than what she'd initially paid, but I don't know that price either), but she regrets it, now that she's seen what her house was later re-sold for.

I started to lose interest with Glenn's dumpster thing, totally stopped when they made Negan's introduction into a cliffhanger. In hindsight, I wish I'd stopped watching when Rick first arrives at Alexandria's gate, before he ever goes inside.

I was a truck driver a few years ago, working on a dedicated account that had me rapidly experiencing burnout. 14-hour days, sleeping in the truck. I was supposed to work 5 days a week, but more often than not, I'd have to work a 6th day to end up at my house. I technically got weekends off, but I had to go back to work at 12:01 on Monday morning, to stay on time. I was in a death spiral for a while there.

One morning, having overslept, I'd let myself get into a rush, and I'd backed my truck into a parking bollard at my first pickup. Damaged my hood, bumper, mirrors, and a bunch of other important bits. My truck was going to be in the shop for a few weeks, at least.

After my safety department got their pound of flesh, my dispatcher gave me some alternative work in the meantime, covering for an absent driver in a local position. Said position involved doing shuttle runs for a nearby factory, just taking truckloads of their product to a warehouse a few miles away, dropping them off, and bringing empty trailers back to the factory. No appointments, no paperwork, no live unloads. Just showing up and driving, for an hourly wage instead of mileage. 8-hour shifts, without having to sleep on the truck. A diamond in the rough I didn't even know my company offered.

I asked to be moved to that position, and I was instantly approved, since dispatch wanted to replace that other driver anyway. That was late February 2020; shortly after I got acclimated to the new digs, the pandemic hit. I didn't lose my job; my trucking company kept all of their shuttle drivers on-site at the factory. Said factory only ran a skeleton crew though, not putting out enough product to keep all of us busy. None of the drivers complained though, we embraced getting paid to sit on our asses with open arms.

I did two things on my seventy-fifth birthday. First, I visited my wife's grave. Then, I joined the army.

• John Scalzi, Old Man's War

Man, it's annoying seeing a headline starting with "Trump, 79" that doesn't end with "dead".

My town has a population of about 2,000 people. There are five dedicated car washes within a 10-mile radius of my house, with two more under construction.

No collar or chip; i've asked the neighbors and checked for missing pet posts online, but nothing came up for this guy.

Yes.

This sprint could've been an email.

BlueSky

It's a six-figure salary in my part of Texas.

A second billionaire's heart

edit: didn't read the first response all the way - let me at the liver first

At this point i'm convinced the USPS has been sabotaged to disrupt mail in voting.

Yep, that's a pretty big chunk of it. Most of it's just a typical right-wing grift though, privatizing public services in the name of "cost savings".

Louis DeJoy is the current postmaster general, appointed by Trump in 2020. DeJoy also just so happens to be the founder and former CEO of XPO Logistics, a company that still has active contracts with the USPS to this day.

This guy might've become Greasy if he managed to get under that hearse; Kovu is his name though, since my grandma's had other cats named after Lion King characters, and I thought she'd like keeping the motif going.

You can't outrun a radio.

If the police are chasing you for whatever reason, raw speed is not enough to make a getaway. They'll just call for reinforcements to block the road ahead of you, or try to funnel you towards a spike strip/dead-end/etc.

Or if they're smart, they let you think you've gotten away, tail you from afar, then swoop in to make their arrest once it's safe.

At the very least, they radio your description to dispatch, so now every cop in the area is on the lookout for you.