Hey guys I found one

Creation:

You pull wisps of shadow material from the Shadowfell to create a nonliving object of vegetable matter within range: soft goods, rope, wood, or something similar. You can also use this spell to create mineral objects such as stone, crystal, or metal. The object created must be no larger than a 5-foot cube, and the object must be of a form and material that you have seen before.

"How far away is the BBEG's fortress?"

"His lair is still many leagues in the distance. You can just barely see it on the horizon, nestled in the-"

"I spawn a really big boulder on top of it. Like, a reeeally big boulder."

"..."

This one time, I showed up to work in a pair of green slacks and a white dress shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbow. A friend of mine sees me that morning and the first thing he says is "You're dressed exactly like Peter Griffin."

It was easily the most devastating sentence anyone has ever spoken to me. I haven't worn those pants since.

The company I work at is named kinda like this. I don't want to give the exact name, but let's say that if I was an engineer, I'd work at "The Engineering Company."

It makes me sound like a super bad liar whenever I tell people my job, lol

I appreciate the lore that C&H characters are apparently assigned their shirt colors at birth. Fascinating stuff.

Yeah, RIP that dude but I'm built different

Make sure to thoroughly check your child's candy this Halloween. There are a lot of sickos out there putting pure, uncut heroin in their candy and just pretending it's laced with fentanyl.

"Dongles per snongle" sounds like a British person measuring the gender ratio at their local pub

Guy #1 calculates the payment per month. Guy #2 tries to "correct" him by calculating the payment per year. Guy #1 suggests that Guy #2 divide his answer by 12.

There's a slim but real chance that Mitch McConnell drops dead on live television in the near future and I refuse to miss it

Depression jokes are OUT.

Hyperbolic overconfidence jokes are IN.

Sadness CANNOT overtake you anymore. You are simply TOO POWERFUL and TOO SEXY.

As a licensed rapturologist I can verify that rapture events do leave stains on organic material. It's the same miraculo-chemical process that burns Jesus' face into the toast of true believers.

Drop out of school

Change name

Move to another country

I think it has to be A. You figure that if it were B, the people on the track would suddenly be traveling at a high velocity, but the train's velocity wouldn't be impacted at all, since there was no impact between the train and the people. Wouldn't this mean that the portal had created energy, which is impossible?

The idea that Israeli lobbyists are singlehandedly "paying off the US' debt" is so patently absurd that I can easily see someone interpreting it as anti-semetic. Criticizing pro-Israel lobbyists is one thing, but when you start implying that Israeli lobbyists literally control the US government, I think you're stepping into clearly anti-semetic territory.

That alongside the wink-wink nudge-nudge "we all know who it is" comment really pushes this post over the edge. You're clearly parroting anti-semetic tropes, intentional or not.

I don't think they're making judgments about every single dad, they're just saying that the stereotype of many fathers not interacting much with their kids holds true for more fathers than one might expect.

Bottom-half fish. I've seen The Lighthouse like eight times. I'm ready for the mermussy.

Both jinner and jurger sound like horrific slurs

Yeah, I really don't understand taking amphetamines for recreational use. It'd be like putting on my work pants to go to a party.