I wrote this for another community on Reddit but it did not get any attention. I wrote this pressed on time and basically just made a list of things that are destroying me inside.

I admit im pretty much looking for validation and compassion. But if you cannot in good conscience go without providing advice, I will not turn it away by any means.

Here’s what I wrote:

I’m sorry if my writing here is hasty and clumsy. It sort of has to be right now.

1

I’m 34. I live with my parents. I may have been able to do more financially but I didn’t apply myself like I should have. Lots of regret there. Everyone I know has moved on, gotten their own place, and have built their own lives.

Me being here is not all bad though. My parents and I get along exceptionally well, and my presence here helps with my brother.

A bit about my brother: He is severely mentally handicapped. As crude of a description as this might be, he is essentially an adult toddler. He can walk around by himself. He is nonverbal. He cannot bathe or toilet himself. He can pick up a fork and feed himself but he does not understand preparing food for himself - even if it’s as simple as opening a pack of crackers. He does not do well in most public spaces that are not restaurants. He has a day center he goes to but aside from that most everything must be done around someone being at the house with him. That’s usually me.

My parents have expressed a lot of gratitude for it. I love my brother and I believe he is as legitimate of a member of the family as any other. And I am still able to have time to myself, But surely you can see what sort of difficulties this creates.

I am terrified about the future for him. My parents are getting up in age. When one of them goes it will become incredibly difficult. I may have to quit my job.

2

Im trans. In a very red part of a very red state. I cannot come out to family or friends without my already fragile and meager life coming undone completely. But with money like it is I’d never be able to transition either.

I have no one to go to about this. No community.

3

I’m socially awkward and seemingly incapable of forming bonds with people. Im not sure if I’m autistic but it may explain a lot. Even people I’ve worked with for almost 10 years I still have difficulty opening my mouth to. Words come out stiff and choppy, weirdly emphasized, and often don’t make sense to the listener.

I’m not taken seriously because of it. I have to really stress myself at work if I need to get a point through and am often seen as irritable because of it. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m just a jerk.

4

Every future I imagine is a scary one. One I don’t want to live in.

I’ve gotten into philosophy the past few years and it’s been more frustrating than enlightening.

Some views say we should be thinking about the future, and should take this all extremely seriously. Well maybe some people don’t have a future?

Some views say not to take it seriously. Live in the moment and make the most of it. Well what if you have no moment to live in? What if there are sufferings simply too great as to make that an impossible task?

Some views say to exist is enough. You don’t need to be anything in particular or do anything great. Well I exist, and I hate it. I find no pleasure in simply being.

I don’t buy into any notion that life is what we make it. Maybe it is life that makes us, and we’re just dragged along with it. Maybe some people have more to work with. But this would be like having more lanes in a one way road. Maybe it’s like that.

Or maybe I’m an idiot. Maybe all of this really is in my control, in which case: what a terrible amount of power to be responsible for. Who could ever handle that?

5

I have to wrap it up. I have to get up for work now.

Maybe all of that doesn’t sound like much. My point here is to say that there is no aspect of my life - big or small - in which I feel free. Some of it is my own doing. Some of it is circumstance. Some of it may blur the line. But all I have to work with is what I have right now. Some of it I feel duty bound to do.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I’ve been miserable, worried about the future of myself and my brother.

I feel incapable of not having desires, yet also incapable of satisfying those desires. I don’t want to want. Of that makes sense. But I feel the only way of getting rid of want is turning the lights off for good.

Thanks.

Sorry this was messy.

I've recently found myself in a loop of not being able to do anything productive, feeling bad because of it, and then not being to able to do anything productive because I feel awful about not being productive. Any advice on how I can stop that?

I need to get insured, so that I can get treatment and maybe some meds (almost certainly some meds), but I'm too depressed to go to the proper office and talk to a clerk and then I have to go to the doctor and book a visit and then I have to go to that visit and wait in line, and the very prospect of doing that makes me more depressed. So I'm feeling too depressed to get the motivation to get treatment for my depression.

Too much IRL talking to too many IRL people. I'm stressed just thinking about it. I feel bad for writing this very post, because I feel like I'm procrastinating and waiving responsibility. I even feel bad about using the word "depression" for what I am going through, even though I've been officially diagnosed for over a decade now.

Advice would be appreciated.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/53777805

Added a 9600 lumens LED light bar to my office.

It's so bright in here now! Also, bonus Grogu from a trip to Disney World.

Hey depressed folks!

I have been diagnosed with depression about eight years ago, I'm in my third depressive episode that lasted about two years now. I'm in therapy since the start and medicated on four different drugs. The main thing I'm struggling with is the inability to do anything without forcing myself to do it, it feels like I'm stuck on manual. Getting up in the morning, making breakfast, taking care of my son, going for a walk, working, even hobbies. Gaming seems to be the only thing that lets me turn off my brain, with some pangs of "I'm wasting my time" echoing in my head. I've also been stuck overweight for a few years now, I can't control my appetite, I've tried everything between intermittent fasting and working with a dietetician and a personal trainer.

With all this I have to say my life isn't a struggle, I have a loving wife, a beautiful son, I'm earning enough to support my family, I live in a nice apartment, I've got pretty much everything I need. And yet it's all meaningless in the face of The Depression^TM^.

I don't really know why I'm writing this down, I don't expect anyone to come up with a solution here. I guess you can just join me in complaining about being a prisoner of your own mind.

All the best, Cheery

31 YOmale, Z5, presenting to the Lemmy w/ recently Dx ADHD w/ prior diagnoses 'depression & anxiety". Z5 began Adderall today at 10g IR. Z5 presents with little to no improvement in task initiation and task sustainment and complains of minor financial problems, significant social distancing and isolation, and concerns of not knowing what the fuck is depression and what the fuck is anxiety amd whst the fuck is ADHD. Z5 is beginning to believe that his depression is more severe than he may have thought previously. Z5 has a history of Sertaline Dx which he ceased after 48 hours due to uncomfortable side effects including shakiness, sleepiness, and inability to sleep at evening. Z5 has not sought additional depression medication since that, and that was about 6 years ago.

Z5 suspects he will be eternally and sustainably depressed unless he sorts out how to have at least one close friend that he can be open and hinest with and likely a romantic partner, despite having decided long ago that it was impossible, he now does not know anymore.

Z5 is typing into a void for some reason and burdening strangers with his incoherent, borderline schizophrenic stream of consciousness.

Z5 probably needs to learn to identify what depression is verse ADHD and anxiety and Z5 probably needs some sort of a "reality check"

Title says it all, I just can't find a reason to keep going for myself. The only reasons I haven't found a way out of living is because:

1. I haven't found a method with a good success rate that would be painless, not messy, and if I messed up wouldn't leave me with a lifelong condition.

2. The fact that it would cause a massive amount of pain and grief for family and friends, and probably push my mother and my uncle over the edge for them to do something similar.

That's it. I should be greatful and happy, I've come a very long way from some serious shite situations including being massively in debt, so broke I was eating sleep, a shouting match filled childhood looking after my mum, a hellish work environment that drove me to my last attempt, and being bullied and isolated at school so much that if I wasn't in a country with strict gun laws I would have actioned a plan that made the Columbine teens look like amateurs.

But no, I genuinely can't find a reason as to live for myself. It fucking annoys me that I'm having to stay alive out of guilt for other people. Everything I see in the world seems to just be descending into more and more conflict, the summers keep getting hotter, and despite there being solutions available they're not being implemented fast enough because a handful of rich pricks aren't happy the number in their portfolio.

There's nothing I find externally that fuels me with a passion for living so instead of just getting the death over with I feel pressured by society to accept the longer drawn out version because apparently no sane person would voluntarily wish to cease to exist if there's nothing medically or situationally wrong with them.

The SSRIs are helping with keeping the mood on an even keel but these thoughts still persist. They have done since I was young. And thanks to society frowning upon suicide nobody will offer me a quick and painless death.

My doctor recommends I go on lexapro. My wife is worried about it. Looking into it I kinda am myself as well. The idea seems to be to raise seratonin but then the brain adapts and it will take more and more adaptation and so on. The higher it gets the more problematic going off is going to be. This kinda feels unsustainable to me. What opinions do people have who have used them or decided not to. I know specifying folks seems wierd but a lot of people see posts from all and don't take into account the community they are in.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.zip/post/68291780

My doctor recently put me on a pretty complex medication routine, and honestly, seeing it written all out on paper looks a bit overwhelming. Here is what I'm taking:

• Lexapro – 20 mg

• Inderal – 40 mg

• Wellbutrin – 300 mg

• Symbyax – 3/25 mg Looking at this list, it feels like a heavy mix—an SSRI, a beta-blocker, an NDRI, plus an antipsychotic combo. I’m really curious about a few things:

1. How common is a setup like this? Is it pretty standard for doctors to stack these different classes together when treating tougher cases, or is this a bit unconventional?

2. Wellbutrin + Symbyax combo: Does it make sense to pair Wellbutrin with Symbyax to help balance out things like brain fog, low energy, or blunted emotions?

3. Long-term experience: If you or someone you know has been on a multi-med regimen like this, how did it go once your body fully adapted?

(Not looking for medical advice, just trying to see if anyone else has been on a similar cocktail and how it worked out for you!)

feeling stuck my whole life. its like i need always have the feeling to rest for a long time, but i cant gain energy back while sleeping. i just dont have energy at all. just doing work to barely survive. and this pattern never stops. time runs by, im getting older and i dont even look back and think "i should have done this or that", cause i know i never got the energy even if i wanted. and for shure i would be more active and positive if i wouldnt feel like a stone the whole time. life sucks, but somehow its going on

(POST EDIT: TRYING TO MAKE THE SITUATION LESS CONFUSING)

1. Demigirl part (on my bio) is just my dissociation/emptiness feeling making me not have sense of my own gender;

2. Yeah, I seem to be bissexual;

3. This is the fourth school I've been on and I'm always bullied. Infact, they managed to get me on a written warning situation just today;

4. Somehow, I ended with a crush on a girl from my church. I thought I was really bi and got all invested on it (thus the porn);

5. But then I realized I also have crushes on EVERY. PERSON. that was nice to me and not my friend or relative. Which means my brother's friends, online friends...;

6. And now I want help to stop.

I can't cross roads by myself anymore because of it. Either I'm too confused and foggy to do so, or I enter a trance and almoat get hit by a car.

I will dance on more events and star on plays!

Today I went to a square dance event. When I stepped on stage, I didn't think about how my mom never wanted me, about how I'm a weirdo. Just about hitting the steps.

People cheered for the me who had a pink dress, boots and knew the moves. Not for the me who's always sleeping in class with earmuffs on.

I may be God's mistake. But mistakes sometimes end in good things.

That's how I'll get the human approval I want: Dancing.

Maybe you guys should try it too ;)

(I'm trying to think of a better title, may edit it.)

Today my dog called me to play with her, and so I did. I wasn't in the mood, but I love my dog, so...

In the middle of our playing, a hummingbird passed by our yard and confused a bell with a plant. I found it funny and laughed, calling my brother to see it.

It was a small funny moment? Yeah. But it was still a laughter and a smile in all of the day's sadness.

I feel the need to talk. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm scared.

My court hearing was today. If our fathers were our models for God, that explains why I expected the hellish, scrutinous wrath of a beast beyond words. I am instead a part on an assembly line. This is perhaps scarier. I'm out hundreds of dollars now, minimum, and will most likely ALSO have to attend a buncha anger management classes.

Still God berated me when I went to soothe myself with $2.66 thing of Fireball. Well, God's berating actually stopped me from getting more. But then, in a new state of mind, God says I have to help people. I have to save someone like all the narcissists calling themselves Jesus or the Buddha or the Oracle of Delphi or what-have-you have done.

This is what I tell myself to avoid being a bottomless pit of infinite worthlessness. Narcissism is a generational curse; I'm this way because my father. Jesus wasn't good enough for his step-dad. Moses was abandoned. I feel the only way to save my soul is with the ultimate hail Mary to score a thousand points at once and win the game.

Monumentous pressure. Hurting n sad.

Synchronicities keeping me afloat; glad

That at least I can express myself there

Where more than my eyes will so stare!

I'm learning to be happy again you see?

Fuck I just need some light, I need to 'c'

My mom found out she had HIV when I was two months old. He has a new family now. Threw out his old one when I was thirteen. Kept me. Threw me away when I wasn't good enough. Apologized. Threw me away again.

×many years and cycles, through track, ROTC, college breakdown, and years of useless piece of shit after

I think I work WITH the CIA, or FBI, or Illuminati, or maybe the aliens put a bug in my head

It's GOD, obviously!

Story sharing proposition! :)

This happened last year, me and my mom went out for a doctor appointment togheter and then decided we could go buy my pills already, since we already were near a pharmacy.

We give the worker the prescription.

"Listen, we don't have this exact dosage, but we have (double of my dosage value). You can just chop the pill in two to get yours, though." He said, looking at my mom.

"Oh, no, the medicine isn't for me, it's for her." My mom said, nodding at me.

The pharmacist let out an "Oh" and went back to looking for the medicine while looking at me from the side of his eye.

Well, I guess that happened.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/42938250