Title says it all, I just can't find a reason to keep going for myself. The only reasons I haven't found a way out of living is because:

1. I haven't found a method with a good success rate that would be painless, not messy, and if I messed up wouldn't leave me with a lifelong condition.

2. The fact that it would cause a massive amount of pain and grief for family and friends, and probably push my mother and my uncle over the edge for them to do something similar.

That's it. I should be greatful and happy, I've come a very long way from some serious shite situations including being massively in debt, so broke I was eating sleep, a shouting match filled childhood looking after my mum, a hellish work environment that drove me to my last attempt, and being bullied and isolated at school so much that if I wasn't in a country with strict gun laws I would have actioned a plan that made the Columbine teens look like amateurs.

But no, I genuinely can't find a reason as to live for myself. It fucking annoys me that I'm having to stay alive out of guilt for other people. Everything I see in the world seems to just be descending into more and more conflict, the summers keep getting hotter, and despite there being solutions available they're not being implemented fast enough because a handful of rich pricks aren't happy the number in their portfolio.

There's nothing I find externally that fuels me with a passion for living so instead of just getting the death over with I feel pressured by society to accept the longer drawn out version because apparently no sane person would voluntarily wish to cease to exist if there's nothing medically or situationally wrong with them.

The SSRIs are helping with keeping the mood on an even keel but these thoughts still persist. They have done since I was young. And thanks to society frowning upon suicide nobody will offer me a quick and painless death.

My doctor recommends I go on lexapro. My wife is worried about it. Looking into it I kinda am myself as well. The idea seems to be to raise seratonin but then the brain adapts and it will take more and more adaptation and so on. The higher it gets the more problematic going off is going to be. This kinda feels unsustainable to me. What opinions do people have who have used them or decided not to. I know specifying folks seems wierd but a lot of people see posts from all and don't take into account the community they are in.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.zip/post/68291780

My doctor recently put me on a pretty complex medication routine, and honestly, seeing it written all out on paper looks a bit overwhelming. Here is what I'm taking:

• Lexapro – 20 mg

• Inderal – 40 mg

• Wellbutrin – 300 mg

• Symbyax – 3/25 mg Looking at this list, it feels like a heavy mix—an SSRI, a beta-blocker, an NDRI, plus an antipsychotic combo. I’m really curious about a few things:

1. How common is a setup like this? Is it pretty standard for doctors to stack these different classes together when treating tougher cases, or is this a bit unconventional?

2. Wellbutrin + Symbyax combo: Does it make sense to pair Wellbutrin with Symbyax to help balance out things like brain fog, low energy, or blunted emotions?

3. Long-term experience: If you or someone you know has been on a multi-med regimen like this, how did it go once your body fully adapted?

(Not looking for medical advice, just trying to see if anyone else has been on a similar cocktail and how it worked out for you!)

feeling stuck my whole life. its like i need always have the feeling to rest for a long time, but i cant gain energy back while sleeping. i just dont have energy at all. just doing work to barely survive. and this pattern never stops. time runs by, im getting older and i dont even look back and think "i should have done this or that", cause i know i never got the energy even if i wanted. and for shure i would be more active and positive if i wouldnt feel like a stone the whole time. life sucks, but somehow its going on

(POST EDIT: TRYING TO MAKE THE SITUATION LESS CONFUSING)

1. Demigirl part (on my bio) is just my dissociation/emptiness feeling making me not have sense of my own gender;

2. Yeah, I seem to be bissexual;

3. This is the fourth school I've been on and I'm always bullied. Infact, they managed to get me on a written warning situation just today;

4. Somehow, I ended with a crush on a girl from my church. I thought I was really bi and got all invested on it (thus the porn);

5. But then I realized I also have crushes on EVERY. PERSON. that was nice to me and not my friend or relative. Which means my brother's friends, online friends...;

6. And now I want help to stop.

I can't cross roads by myself anymore because of it. Either I'm too confused and foggy to do so, or I enter a trance and almoat get hit by a car.

I will dance on more events and star on plays!

Today I went to a square dance event. When I stepped on stage, I didn't think about how my mom never wanted me, about how I'm a weirdo. Just about hitting the steps.

People cheered for the me who had a pink dress, boots and knew the moves. Not for the me who's always sleeping in class with earmuffs on.

I may be God's mistake. But mistakes sometimes end in good things.

That's how I'll get the human approval I want: Dancing.

Maybe you guys should try it too ;)

(I'm trying to think of a better title, may edit it.)

Today my dog called me to play with her, and so I did. I wasn't in the mood, but I love my dog, so...

In the middle of our playing, a hummingbird passed by our yard and confused a bell with a plant. I found it funny and laughed, calling my brother to see it.

It was a small funny moment? Yeah. But it was still a laughter and a smile in all of the day's sadness.

I feel the need to talk. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm scared.

My court hearing was today. If our fathers were our models for God, that explains why I expected the hellish, scrutinous wrath of a beast beyond words. I am instead a part on an assembly line. This is perhaps scarier. I'm out hundreds of dollars now, minimum, and will most likely ALSO have to attend a buncha anger management classes.

Still God berated me when I went to soothe myself with $2.66 thing of Fireball. Well, God's berating actually stopped me from getting more. But then, in a new state of mind, God says I have to help people. I have to save someone like all the narcissists calling themselves Jesus or the Buddha or the Oracle of Delphi or what-have-you have done.

This is what I tell myself to avoid being a bottomless pit of infinite worthlessness. Narcissism is a generational curse; I'm this way because my father. Jesus wasn't good enough for his step-dad. Moses was abandoned. I feel the only way to save my soul is with the ultimate hail Mary to score a thousand points at once and win the game.

Monumentous pressure. Hurting n sad.

Synchronicities keeping me afloat; glad

That at least I can express myself there

Where more than my eyes will so stare!

I'm learning to be happy again you see?

Fuck I just need some light, I need to 'c'

My mom found out she had HIV when I was two months old. He has a new family now. Threw out his old one when I was thirteen. Kept me. Threw me away when I wasn't good enough. Apologized. Threw me away again.

×many years and cycles, through track, ROTC, college breakdown, and years of useless piece of shit after

I think I work WITH the CIA, or FBI, or Illuminati, or maybe the aliens put a bug in my head

It's GOD, obviously!

Story sharing proposition! :)

This happened last year, me and my mom went out for a doctor appointment togheter and then decided we could go buy my pills already, since we already were near a pharmacy.

We give the worker the prescription.

"Listen, we don't have this exact dosage, but we have (double of my dosage value). You can just chop the pill in two to get yours, though." He said, looking at my mom.

"Oh, no, the medicine isn't for me, it's for her." My mom said, nodding at me.

The pharmacist let out an "Oh" and went back to looking for the medicine while looking at me from the side of his eye.

Well, I guess that happened.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/42938250

Had a whole identity crisis.

So, I got some homework to do, and I noticed something.

Last year, I was a motivated student. My thoughts were around getting the class' highest grades and suceeding. I was one of the 3 students with the biggest grades at that class.

This year, um... Where do I start? I took all of my homework and put ChatGPT to answer it. I sleep during classes EVERY DAY now.

I used to scold my classmates for being lazy and using AI at their homework, but now I'm one of them?!

Duloxetine works great for me until I sleep, then I wake back up into the pit of despair and I feel like I’m supposed to wait until ~24 hours since I last took it in order to take it again. I can’t find any cases of other people reporting this and it’s not something my medical professionals have heard of. It makes it hard if I don’t have energy due to not getting enough sleep the night before so I take a nap, and then when I wake up I still don’t have energy due to lack of willpower. I’ve also found it harder to get out of bed in the morning shortly before taking the medicine.