Okay so this ended up being a wall of text. I don’t think any of it should be triggering. I trimmed out almost all of the nonessential details. There is mention of horny-ness, the idea of group sex, and a passing mention that I have a history of abuse, but no more detail than that. I guess I’m kinda venting here. I don’t really know what anyone could really say about the situation.

I’ve been on HRT for 10 months now and accepted I was trans just over a year ago. About a month before that, I met my current partner. At the beginning I was sexually open, but monogamous. I love really hard and I didn’t think I had the emotional capacity to let more people in like that. I’m also pansexual and find most people I meet attractive in some way and I’ve always enjoyed group sex and wanted more. We started dating with me making all of this pretty clear.

About three months in, we had a conversation about what our relationship was; well kinda. A person at a queer bar asked if we were monogamous and I turned to my partner and said “I dunno. Are we?”, they said “Yes”, I turned back and said “Yes”. We talked about it more on the way home and my partner expressed that they tried poly in the past and didn’t like it. Okay that’s fine. I was completely satisfied with just my partner at the time.

Since I started HRT, my emotional capacity has increased considerably and better self esteem has made affection less all-consuming for me. Over the months, the idea of poly has seemed more and more appealing to me. Lots of people in the local community have shown interest in me, but still to this day I haven’t done anything more than flirt and I flirt with everyone even with my partner present. Sexual possibilities or not, I just like to give people attention and make them feel desired.

A few months ago, I was driving home from a thing with my partner and a friend. We started talking about sex and our preferences. I joked “We’re exclusive, even though [my partner] says they’re fine with me getting gang banged.” To which my partner replied “Well you can have sex with other people, I just might want to watch.” This kinda struck me as odd. My partner doesn’t like it if I even dance with other people and will attach themselves to me at events so I won’t wander off without them.

A few months go by, this feeling continues. My friends are meeting people and dating and openly being horny and having conversations about doing things together. I’m at this point getting kind of jealous. I have a new body and new emotions and desires and I want to explore them, but I don’t think my partner is nearly as comfortable with me having sex with other people as they claimed.

I’m also constantly messaging people, I’m just a social and chatty person and I love talking about sex and kink. Whenever my partner can see me chatting on my phone or I joke about the conversation, they will stop what they’re doing and get up and get in the middle of me and my phone in some way. They don’t do this if I’m playing a game, reading, or watching something. I have a long history of abuse and manipulation. So I notice these patterns and start asking them “Whats up?” and they never say it’s about me talking to people or talking about sex.

All the while I have been talking this over with my therapist. He tells me that this tension is going to cause problems and I have to prioritize my desires and have a serious conversation about this. I had been putting it off however because my partner has been especially stressed and unwell lately and I didn’t want this to blow up what has otherwise been the best relationship I’ve ever had. Still I’ve slowly been thinking more and more that we weren’t going to last.

That was until three days ago. My partner was once again having a bit of a breakdown which is normal considering their issues. While texting with them, I decided to bring up how they seem to dislike me talking to people and it may be adding to their stress. They said they didn’t even realize they were doing it and apologized. Then I finally brought up my doubts about their comfort with a sexually open relationship. We talked it out more and they said they don’t think sex is special or has to be exclusive, but they just didn’t feel comfortable with the idea. They were frustrated with this internal dissonance and didn’t know what to do. I said well then we have to explore these feelings and figure it out, but I didn’t budge on the fact that it was something I always wanted to do.

Last night, I found out they did figure it out. They don’t like me even flirting with people and they don’t like the idea of me having sex with other people. I didn’t know what to say, which is pretty rare. I’m usually pretty good at positive “we’ll figure it out” talk, but I can’t change how they nor I feel. It’s going to be the end of us unless one of us makes a kind of core sacrifice, but I don’t think that’s sustainable anyway.

I’m so torn. I don’t want to end the relationship, but I also know what I want. There’s also the complication from the fact that I do all the socializing for both of us. I make the friends, I make the plans with the friends, I drive, I pay, I keep the conversation going, I involve my partner when we’re there, and I comfort them afterwards when the feel bad for one reason or another. My partner doesn’t have a car, license, or job because of their disability. I worry that if we breakup, the emotional anguish will make them avoid me and they’ll lose their entire social life too.

I also stand to lose quite a bit beyond the person I love, but I’m much more independent and stable. I’m not entirely well mentally either and my partner helps my own emotional stability, but I think I’ve developed a good support network over this year. I’m also homeless and their apartment is the closest thing I have to a base and safe space even if I can only be there three nights a week. It’s also where I keep all my clothes.

After writing it all, I feel like I know how this is gonna play out. There’s likely nowhere else for this to go. It just really sucks that this is the thing that does it. That’s not to say that I don’t have other complaints in the relationship, but we’ve never fought and so much is so good. I think I may come off a bit cold in this, but I do really love my partner immensely. Part of me feels like I’m cursed. I feel like at my core, my ADHD desire for novelty will continually trap me in this cycle of falling too hard, losing patience with things I ignored at the start, and then blowing it all up for something new. I wonder if it’s even fair for me to let people I might eventually love deal with that.

Edit: Perhaps I cut out too much detail. I kinda put crumbs of it in the post, but there’s more problems in the relationship. I just focused specifically on the poly/sexually open problem that I feel has come from my experience in my transition. Thats also why I chose to only talk about my feelings and not just complain about my relationship in its entirety. I’m not looking for an answer. I know what needs to be done. I was really just working through my thoughts and venting in hopes of hearing from people with similar experiences since I can’t really talk to my friends about it given that my partner and I have the same friends.

I’m surprised this post got as popular as it has. Maybe I need to write my next vent a bit worse so less people engage with it.