Hey everyone. Hope your days are good lately!

It's been 2 days since I started a new medication yay, I am now officially a battery. Just joking because it is lithium yay!

Something about suspicion about me being bipolar. Although sometimes I feel more like it is borderline and even then, the symptoms doesn't really match...

Anyway I don't know. If this help whatever I am me whatever my mental health problems.

Lately I've been discriminated by my boss. Me wearing a dress at work is not professional (not even the one in the picture). He reproached me taking my sick leave basically and qualified it as "strategic leave". I basically called the suicide hotline right before it just wow... If wanting to live is one then yep it is. I've been threatened to be replaced too.

I went there thinking he would just try to take some news about me coming back to work. I feel naïve or maybe deep down I want people to be not complete assholes.

Anyway there was a question about my derby name from Ada if I remember right. I was thinking about LilyPad. Feels like it's a fun wordplay. As I tend to fall a lot too, started 2 weeks ago. But always quick to get up 🤭. Sometimes people there wonder if I made of rubber. Or do you have any idea for a fun name?

As for last. Gosh I signed up on a dating app. Heck, I have never had more like in my entire life. I barely interested anyway before transitioning it's kind of weird. I expended a lot my social network just wow... It's feel weird leaving the phone for a few hours and getting so many notifications (Getting slightly anxious because of it).

Anyway take care everyone wanted to share a bit me.

Hey, well I haven't been much active lately.

To be honest mood has been a bitch. Up and down a lot with some bad thoughts and all. At least I'm not alone but gosh this is getting hard. I'm honestly feeling like I'm failing at life like what is the point.

I know this state is temporary but heck I can't seem to find the medical support I need.

On a side note, I started doing roller derby🛼. Gosh I'm really out of shape. But I know in the long run it's going to do good. It's a bit like life, I'm falling down, it's physically hard to keep up but I'm getting back up eventually.

It's hard to reach out. Even if I do what am I to say? I don't know what's wrong with me. What can they do? I'm at good E levels, T low. It is a mental health thing. But the more I try to understand my problems the more I feel like I'm going into a rabbit hole and left even more confused.

I feel like it's because I started digging a trauma I'm pretty sure is hidden in my memory. Because I know the impact it had on me not who or what. (But I have my guesses because I have a few triggers now I've learned to understand)

Anyway, another good note is that I feel more and more feminine. Dysphoria is now a bit less problematic but still having troubles with my own body.

Stay strong everybody. I'll try to be. I have been so far. I have made so much effort to be where I am today. I'm not going waste them. Sending love 💜 Lily

Hey folks, well this week for me has been mostly good except for some talks that put me in a bad mood (like made me skip dinner and nausea). At least I learned a lot more about DID.

Just sharing a photo my friend made of us during the festival last week-end.

For some reasons I feel tired all of a sudden now rather than slowly getting tired. I don't know where that comes from saddly.

Anyway Hope your days are good :3

So I went to some kind of sale event that happens like once a year and found these nice things :3 I payed like 65 euros for the whole thing.

Yay! Just happy thrifting :3

It's been a while since I went out to go to a concert. 3 groups are playing that's awesome. Mostly metal bands.

I know some people like loud music but I can't go to concerts without earplugs.

And guess what I freaking danced... Danced with stranger. I would have never done that before! And went into the mosh pit several time. My shoe needs glue now lol :3

Tomorrow night 3 more groups. That's going to be awesome as well.

Hope you'll have all a good day. Be yourselves! And show that you exist! (If this is not a danger for you!)

I finally have my appartment!!! 🎉🎉🎉

The next few days will be hard too to move all the stuff we need to live together me and my partner.

I'm already sore from getting furniture and lifting heavy furniture... Still happy though.

We're probably done Sunday. Yay!

In other news i'm ginger again, and i'm glad my father still got his minivan. It's in poor condition but it's still working.

These last days with Sertraline have been awkward. Right now, I'm in a good mood and having mood swings is annoying as hell. Well, feeling the withdrawal of SSRI because of unwanted side effect (hypomania). My GP told me I should stop. After 4 days of stopping SSRI my mood shifted from groggy, feeling like shit,headaches to goodish :3

Tomorrow will mark the 8th month since I started E. This is easily the biggest change in all my life. Divorce, coming back to my parents, loosing 25 kg (I've been stagnating for 3 month but still), moving out soon to another appartement with my new partner, volunteering to local trans association, coming out at work, parents and family, having a bigger social life in 8 months than in 8 years. Feeling sometimes happy about my body. There has been some low points, a lot, lower than before sometimes. But overall I'm fucking glad to live again.

Well I'm sharing some joy. Here a picture of me slightly tired at the end of the day looking like I would normally. Without any make-up but a new dress 👗 Yay!

Next photo I'll be ginger again :3

Hope your day have been good too!

(PS: Just noticed how big my breast is now on the picture, I love it :3)

Hey, just prepared myself to go out and since I really like how I look I decided to share :3

Gotta go to the insurance to pick one for my future apartment! Yay! Moving out with gf during the 1st of September! Got to pick up a parcel for my father. Probably gonna eat something downtown too.

Tonight is drag performance on the street!

Anyway to all the cuties out there, hope you have fun (stop denying it too! ) ૮₍ ´ ꒳ `₎ა

Hey, today I'm feeling a bit at peace and I'm trying to love myself. When I see all the cuties, I'm happy to see you shine and glow. (I wish we could see more representation for trans men).

It's harder to love myself and I'm trying. Wishing you a good morning and I hope that you feel better in your bodies day by day.

At least I can say that I like my legs, haven't shaved them since last July 18th there but hormones and hair removal worked quite well. (I can't believe I've let that much time here without shaving)

Anyway I liked the honest selfies, the one where we don't try so hard. So I'll bring mine.

I still have a little bit of make up around the eyes after a messy cleanup yesterday 😅 (was tired). But I tend to be like that most of the time so it reflects me quite well.

Ii dunno right now I feel down, well to be honest being apathetic too and I think it worsen the ADHD symptoms too (that is not diag yet but, I have too much traits to not think I don't have it). There are some things I known that some things are partially responsible (like relationships - even though it's getting better, living at my parents, my divorce).

I've been feeling this for a bit lately and dysphoria hits hard whenever I feel down and everything. It's becoming hard to do important things for myself. I had a few days ago, I had some bad thoughts which led me at some point to call the local suicide hotline. They did nothing really unless I would plan act on it. (only telling me to find some help trying to redirect getting therapy and a psychiatrist. Which is pointless because finding one fast would lead me with someone unsafe where I live - I had a testimony from another trans person. Competent would require me to go far and last criteria safe for trans people - how about finding a golden egg? Would probably bit easier...)

I know I don't want to act on these thoughts. I'm on my own to find help (requires a freaking lot of efforts even if I told these censored I was having more and more trouble to do things for me.

I hope my GP will give me some SSRI that matches my need. I'll try to explain my situation in 2 days. I had taken an appointment 2 weeks earlier but that's long when you're down.

I pushed myself again these 3 last days to help my love which needed me to escape her abusive husband. It still left me physically and mentally exhausted. It's still easier to help others than myself but still hard.

I don't know what I'm looking for typing this(probably some help, a bit of vent too). Maybe you have practical advice while waiting for medication to get and to work. I'll get through this I know that, always have so far.

Anyway I hope your days are better than mines and I wish you all some happyness.

Just came back from this evening. 2 am right now :3

It was more of a viewing party of an episode from season 4 of drag race France co-hosted by 2 wonderful drag queens that performed during the evening. Awesome night met lot of queer people :3 Won that artwork through lottery so cute I love it

From : @mewliharmonia (not sure which social media)

So... I am at work in the bathroom.

Forgot my glasses and I lack accessories :3

But here I am. ≽^•⩊•^≼

Hi everyone just wanted to share. I just lived my first pride!

I lived the pride as a volunteer. (I can see myself in the local journal - and I look exhausted to not say worse 😅)

My voice today is tired, and I feel like I have a hangover even if I didn't drink any alcohol. 😄

I helped decorate during the morning, helped selling merch before the march for the association who organised the pride.

During the march it was something festive and we protested for our rights in music and political speech. It was quite big considering how small we were compared to a big city. Lots of beautiful people too. Happy to see such a big community here.

First time too as a barmaid from 5pm to 2am (still volunteering), we barely had enough time to breath until 1 am.

Note to self : I should have never wore boots and nylon leggings for 17 hours, it started to hurt before the march. I never knew I could a have a blister on above a toe with the size of that said toe.

Anyway it was a sensory overload but it was awesome day. I would have loved seeing all the spectacles and drag shows, but I'm really glad I could help make this event successful.

Take care you beautiful people 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈, wishing you a happy pride month! And most importantly be yourselves!

Well, this has been a weird relationship. I fell in love with a trans woman married to a cis man.

I was asked to meet the husband and to try to befriend him to make it work. He was nice and did a lot of self-sacrifice for her and he is not a man who has questioned gender much.

The way I see it, once again it is my pov and I could be wrong.

I tried to be honest about a lot of my feelings, doubts things I've never made as much. Everytime I do share my feelings. Here about the fact it's hard for me to get closer to husband it backfired hard. Every I said is taken as a personal insult no matter how much I try to put emphasis on why I'm having a hard time to trust him and that could be a trouble I have trusting men because of probably my father who has abused my mother verbally a lot and physically once but also a lot of what abuse they cause.

The first thing that triggers me is that he is impulsive. And well there's a lot in the wording.

I'm probably trying to analyze a lot but when he says about "lgbtqia+ people can be whatever the fuck they want, I don't care." "If they made the choice to transition." To me it shows more of indifference or "tolerance" towards us rather than trying to understand and saying that transition is a choice is not my view. (Especially because I feel like mine was necessary or I would have become depressed more and more at best). It was multiple time that he said something that make me tick but since I can't give every moment that there is something that bothers me in his words. He feels targeted about only one thing he said and that is a personnal attack.

The second one is that he laughs at a type of old humour masculine that leaves me uncomfortable. Something from the 90's that wouldn't be broadcast today.

The third one is about him putting himself as a victim because of what I said and using what I said the single or two example as what he did "bad" and use these against me because he feels like I'm being harsh for only that. (Once again this is my pov). Yeah no my brain just didn't made a list of all the things that were problematic. I would feel that even if I did it would just be a reproach about me making a list anyway...

These don't help develop feelings toward him and I feel I just try to fit in a mold to be able to get love from that woman. And this part is the part where I'm sure to be wrong.

In the end I feel like the more I share my feeling, and it was hard to do so, the more I am made to understand that is a "me" problem because of my bias or trauma and I shouldn't inflict that on others. And when I don't share I'm the one in the wrong because I'm closeted.

Well their situation to both is complicated we all have our traumas and theirs are bigger than mine. (Not gonna detail that)

They lived horrible life before meeting each other and to be honest, from my pov, they seem dysfunctional together and co-dependant yet maybe this is a me bias because of my previous relationship.

As I have not much confidence and having a lot of fears of hurting people it's hard for me not try to analyze things and probably project my own interpretation of what I see and feel toward them.

I'm left with doubts, self loathing feeling as I tend to do so because I would rather be hurt than hurting, and I feel I'm just dysfunctional and this is only a personal problem.

We had a first argument about me sharing that I probably don't love him as much as the woman. And yes because we shared a lot more and there was more mutual understanding. But I've tried. I've tried... (Feeling angry now). I've been left with a second chance and that words makes me angry I feel like he tries to be a "good" person and he is the one doing good thing letting me in their lives.

I don't really know what to feel about that. I've ended up saying I'm not ready to keep this relationship on and it is my fault as that's were we left the discussion on. There was some qualities that he has (undeniably). But I'm not here to develop on that as I think this is a rant and way to put words on my feeling and maybe if someone has more insight that I do to just tell me. If I'm being totally stupid on this and that if this is just really me being... Me.. An overly fear projecting person that is, in the end being toxic toward people.

Well, I suppose it could be worse, never saw any tips or video on how to...

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.zip/post/63271897

Hello everyone, I've felt like showing my face.

I've been happy with my hair color, my new glasses, my new dress (finally one that fits, I have 3 too small for me yet 🥲). Anyway I'm happier since HRT and feel better in body. The future looks less cloudy (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)

In 2 days, 1st appointment for laser to get that beard removed, I'm excited.

Anyway, shoutout to Brooke and Nikki inspiring me to show my face, you girls rock!

Hope your week-end has been great and I'm gonna enjoy my week-off taking care of myself ☺️.

Hello everyone, I've felt like showing my face.

I've been happy with my hair color, my new glasses, my new dress (finally one that fits, I have 3 too small for me yet 🥲). Anyway I'm happier since HRT and feel better in body. The future looks less cloudy (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)

In 2 days, 1st appointment for laser to get that beard removed, I'm excited.

Anyway, shoutout to Brooke and Nikki inspiring me to show my face, you girls rock!

Hope your week-end has been great and I'm gonna enjoy my week-off taking care of myself ☺️.

Well, I guess this is going a long post and I'm lost. I'm gonna see a therapist Monday.

Sorry if this post isn't really about transidentity but in a way, it has consequences in it.

So, I've been with my wife for 8 years. Married for 4 years. But yesterday, I said that I love her, yet I'm not sure I'm in love anymore. Not sure if this make sense. And I cried a lot.

I've been dreading this for a while. Thinking maybe it was temporary. And I feel like a piece of shit feeling this way.

I've been supporting her through depression, panics attacks, social anxiety and so on. And her love has always been unconditional she's has been through trauma. And I fought mine was too. I feel like I have been forgetting myself little by little in this story. I was depressed, almost a dropout (stayed in high school 5 years instead of 3, failed 3 years after in different universities) but still trying. At the end I was doing sports instead of going to university at some point to be able to feel better in a unhealthy way. And I guess I never really worked on myself, well I mean with a therapist.

That was before meeting her, after retaking first year studying English language and literature. I helped, and she helped me. Our relationship was a bit messy, we had trouble understanding each other. She wanted to be with me all the time and I needed too much personal space. And I had no clue of her own troubles and so did she.

We've grown fond of each other, she is my first girlfriend and only one. She's been studying in Ireland for a school year before Covid and I've waited for her and visited her there. That's where she was sure she wanted to mary me ( she bought an engagement ring there).

I had always not a great view of mariage since I have seen a dysfunctional mariage exemple : my parents staying with each other because of duty, while her parents are happy with each other now even thought they had hardships (an affair).

Little by little I felt I've sacrificed my needs to help her. And I suppose that what love is about trying to help each other. Be there for the other. I guess I am starting to fail. I have taken a vow and today I feel like I broke it.

I don't know what to think of it.

I'm just selfish? I feel like I've been missing out of so many things I wanted to do but couldn't to be there for her. Then again maybe is it me trying to pin that on our relationship or my lack of communication? I am having an identity crisis? Is this self-sabotage? Do I just want to blame my own problem on our relationship?

Ever since I have transitioned this feeling seems bigger. She accepted it quite quickly and have been a real supporter. "Edit" : i meant for my transition not about the feeling. Didn't caught that before >.<

During yesterday talk, my wife asked me if this was because of the hormones? I hate this argument. To me that can't be the point.

She went back to her parents yesterday for now. We are not "in bad terms" but this is a really hard time.

I have tried so many times to communicate. We've ended up arguing leaving me mostly unable to express myself because I'm having a real trouble to express myself when emotionnal. I would blurt things that would be make things worse because of a poor choice of word. I've always end up feeling like I was selfish and the fact that when she was reproaching me some things would make me cry would make her feel always like the bad guy. We could solve some things but it has always been hard.

I remember her asking me if I really loved her if I was asking for some distance? ( not specific to yesterday)

Don't get me wrong I love her for sure. She is a wonderful person and all I want is her happiness.

Today, I don't know what to think of it and it's hard to describe 8 years in a few sentence especially with just my pov. Do any of you have more insight, some question I can ask myself? Something to think about before my therapy session? Yep, once again it's hard to organise my thoughts when everything is a mess.

Well, for starters it was more a volonteer work for the local trans association. But I went out with a dress and thights and well I only had "Converse" for shoes but I feel it was looking good with the outfit.

I had make-up on trying to hide my leftover beard, lipstick, mascara, eye shadow and eye liner. My wife helped for the face part.

I went out like this. I was really stressed but it felt good after a while. I was conforted that I was going to a really small cinema that was running a lgbtqia+ movie and 2 other local allied association was there. I ran an information stand and we were selling small goodies with a member or the association.

I felt a bit stupid when people were asking my name and was giving my deadname since I haven't decided yet for a name.

Anyway felt good to be with other queer or allies. Also people feel I look younger than I really am ( yay! ☺️)

Most likely I will probably only dress full female when going to events with the association. I wouldn't feel safe enough otherwise.

This post was more about sharing this experience. Hope your day has been good!

Okay so, it's been almost two month on hrt and I'm happy genuinely. There are some moments when I'm down or not feeling well, some dysphoria but damn that worth it. I feel like my emotion are not as much bottled up.

I've been laughing more easily and didn't know I could feel dizzy because of laughter.

I've had a euphoria moment that lasted hours and it felt like something I've never felt in a long long time like as a child or teenage year when I loved playing video games.

Even knowing that I cry more easily is a good thing. To let out my own feelings.

Just wanted to share some positivity. Since I tend to focus on the other side usually.