This was literally me 20 years ago. I eventually realized after much work that my feeling agitated at a totally normal noise I had no control over was entirely in my head. Turns out, I did have some control over what's happening in my head. You can totally learn to not let things like this get to you. I wish we were all taught these skills as children, but it's never too late.
I think part of it is an effect of mental maturity, a process that continues into our 20s, and which we can't control. I'm now in my 30s and have found self-control a lot easier now compared to when I was younger.
I can't fault young people for struggling with the same things I struggled with at their age. I do my part to help teach autistic children skills (it's my job, after all), and a big part of that is simply communicating when they need something, including a break from an overstimulating activity or environment. It'll be quite a few years before they can override their impulses, and that's the hard part. There's no speeding up mental maturity, but we can learn to recognize our limits and advocate for ourselves when we realize we're getting close to them.
Oh I'm faulting no one, like I said, this used to be me. I disagree that there's no way to learn emotional regulation skills earlier though, there are effective ways to teach this, but as a society we don't teach emotional regulation skills at all. I was certainly never exposed to the concept and only stumbled across it as an adult
Fair. Emotional regulation is hard to teach, too, since you have to practice it when calm. Trying to teach mid-meltdown is a lot more challenging.
Yeah, I wasn’t taught to regulate myself either. I had to learn the hard way. Sadly, as a kid, I learned to act like my mom, and she never learned it either. Now I can do it but she can’t, and she’s in her 60s. It hurts my heart, because she’s only very slowly learning how therapy can help her (for the first 50+ years of her life, she resisted it - both for herself, and for her children.)
If you're not comfortable just being honest, pretend you have a migraine and need to find a quiet dark room. Idk why people are weird about overstimulation in autism as if no one else ever experiences it.
So, expressing youre over stimulated is good, I state to the people around me (my family) as such.
You cant set people on fire, so this is where we find a quiet place to regulate. Let folks know I gotta go decompress, please leave me be until I come back on my own.
I just say is overstimulating me and I need a breather and excuse myself.
Eventually you find the people who try to accommodate you and you end up excusing yourself less.
I can get quite unbearable. That's why it's so important to listen to my pleas if I even notice early enough. And then people are surprised I get unbearable...
Preferably if possible well before, if we are talking about in a relationship/friendship/coworker. Most people can empathise. But empathy is ultimately based on our own experiences because that's all we know of, and this goes for all feelings.
Even if the person is not aware of your responses to what ever situation it might be, but it is one that "triggers" a stress response etc. As Clear and concise communication as possible in the situation is always best. But I would refrain from framing the persons unconscious behaviours or normal bodily functions in a way that makes the person feel responsible. Unless they have actually tried to agitate. Since their response most likely would be a defensive one, and thus not helpful for the situation and future dialogue.
So my recommendation would be something along the lines of: I'm feeling really stressed right now and need to collect my thoughts. I need a moment alone.
And try to leave the situation if you can, before asking others to leave.
Try to use broadly relatable language such as stress and anxiety. If it is a person that is not familiar with your need and responses, to help them empathise.
This isn't a silver bullet, but it will lessen the risk of confrontational responses.
18 replies
I have adhd, this really only happens to me when I'm super tired.
Earplugs. When the world is too loud, turn it down.
This was literally me 20 years ago. I eventually realized after much work that my feeling agitated at a totally normal noise I had no control over was entirely in my head. Turns out, I did have some control over what's happening in my head. You can totally learn to not let things like this get to you. I wish we were all taught these skills as children, but it's never too late.
I think part of it is an effect of mental maturity, a process that continues into our 20s, and which we can't control. I'm now in my 30s and have found self-control a lot easier now compared to when I was younger.
I can't fault young people for struggling with the same things I struggled with at their age. I do my part to help teach autistic children skills (it's my job, after all), and a big part of that is simply communicating when they need something, including a break from an overstimulating activity or environment. It'll be quite a few years before they can override their impulses, and that's the hard part. There's no speeding up mental maturity, but we can learn to recognize our limits and advocate for ourselves when we realize we're getting close to them.
Oh I'm faulting no one, like I said, this used to be me. I disagree that there's no way to learn emotional regulation skills earlier though, there are effective ways to teach this, but as a society we don't teach emotional regulation skills at all. I was certainly never exposed to the concept and only stumbled across it as an adult
Yeah, because that would make it more difficult to manipulate people into believing nonsense.
Fair. Emotional regulation is hard to teach, too, since you have to practice it when calm. Trying to teach mid-meltdown is a lot more challenging.
Yeah, I wasn’t taught to regulate myself either. I had to learn the hard way. Sadly, as a kid, I learned to act like my mom, and she never learned it either. Now I can do it but she can’t, and she’s in her 60s. It hurts my heart, because she’s only very slowly learning how therapy can help her (for the first 50+ years of her life, she resisted it - both for herself, and for her children.)
If you're not comfortable just being honest, pretend you have a migraine and need to find a quiet dark room. Idk why people are weird about overstimulation in autism as if no one else ever experiences it.
So, expressing youre over stimulated is good, I state to the people around me (my family) as such.
You cant set people on fire, so this is where we find a quiet place to regulate. Let folks know I gotta go decompress, please leave me be until I come back on my own.
No fire setting please <3
I just say is overstimulating me and I need a breather and excuse myself. Eventually you find the people who try to accommodate you and you end up excusing yourself less.
I can get quite unbearable. That's why it's so important to listen to my pleas if I even notice early enough. And then people are surprised I get unbearable...
Are you pleading with them to stop breathing?! What would you want this person to do?
I was generalizing when I am at overload limit and need space. Many people don't let you have the space.
"I told you this would happen!"
"But I thought you were bullshitting! Everyone's always bullshitting!"
"WHY IS THAT THE DEFAULT?!"
"you don't need to overreact like that!"
AAAAAAAAAAAAA
Clear and honest communication.
Preferably if possible well before, if we are talking about in a relationship/friendship/coworker. Most people can empathise. But empathy is ultimately based on our own experiences because that's all we know of, and this goes for all feelings.
Even if the person is not aware of your responses to what ever situation it might be, but it is one that "triggers" a stress response etc. As Clear and concise communication as possible in the situation is always best. But I would refrain from framing the persons unconscious behaviours or normal bodily functions in a way that makes the person feel responsible. Unless they have actually tried to agitate. Since their response most likely would be a defensive one, and thus not helpful for the situation and future dialogue.
So my recommendation would be something along the lines of: I'm feeling really stressed right now and need to collect my thoughts. I need a moment alone.
And try to leave the situation if you can, before asking others to leave.
Try to use broadly relatable language such as stress and anxiety. If it is a person that is not familiar with your need and responses, to help them empathise.
This isn't a silver bullet, but it will lessen the risk of confrontational responses.
Are u dangerous