What to do when you are sure you family member is both Autistic and has ADHD but they refuse to accept or see a professional help for it
So my little sister displays clear signs of both Autistic and ADHD but refuse to look into it. She a teen-ish. Everyone suspects she is autistic, both my parents and my other sister but if were to use intensive language here a bit, I would say she is very childish for someone going to high school. There are other reasons that makes me think she is autistic(and has adhd)
Just yesterday she mentioned she finds skin texture disgusting, and has to focus on other features in a person's face and so gets distracted easily. She refuses to wear wet bathroom saddles. She is extremely touchy and clingy to both my mom and sister. She is stubborn as a well, always thinking she is in the right. She talks more like more like someone who learned to talk from just watching cartoons rather than other people. I could go on.
I admit, its probably my fault. I was more just pushy. I treated badly, telling her our father agrees with me and his word is law. I realise that doesn't she want the stigma, that I am basically insuring she never wants to look into it. Its not a disease or cancer, the excuse of tough love is not applicable here.
I will just have to drop it, but it hurts me that she has resources that I didn't have access to when I was her age.
36 replies
It's her life and her choice. My brother didn't want to hear it for years. He went to a psychiatrist 2 years ago for something unrelated and got diagnosed. He had to do it on his own for his own reasons.
You can't force people to do things. I understand you're trying to help and you think you're helping but from someone who did the same thing, you're not. You're pushing her to actively avoid it.
How to you present your autism to her? Is it just the things you struggle with? Is it just how you're different? Is it just negative? How about what you tell her you see in her? Are you only pointing out the negative traits like you are in your post? Or are you also pointing out the things that can make autism alright? "Hey sis, really cool drawing you did. I noticed art seems to be a special interest for you. I'm reallyv happy you have a hobby you enjoy so much!"
Now also ask yourself, why? Why does this matter so much to you? Why are you so upset she won't admit it? Is it really about her? Or is it about you? (I don't know the answer here, that's yours to think about)
As an AuDHD person - Nothing. Absolutely, positively, nothing. She is your sister, not your daughter.
Even if she did get the diagnosis, she could refuse to acknowledge it and nothing would change. Guess how I know.
Sounds like you’re the one with the problem honestly. Best to worry about your own life and problems than your siblings. She sounds cool to me.
Her main problems are concentrating in lessons. We think she may have other learning disability and her grades are suffering for it.
We intended to at least enroll her in summer courses but she's as stubborn as ox. She thinks it is waste of money, feeling that she's just lazy.
I dont think your wrong though, both about me and her, I just dont know where to go from here.
Yeah, she's the stubborn one 🙄
Support her. Love her. Don't judge her and her choices.
It sounds like you are projecting your situation and your historic unmet needs on your sister. Deal with your own shit.
If she's a minor then it would be up to her parents/guardians to take her, would it not?
Honestly just give them space. Not "no pressure, but". Actually no pressure. Forget all about it, go back to treating them normally. You've given them something to think about, let them think about it without feeling pressured
Present it as something that will help her do the things she wants to do, better. Try not to make her feel like there's something wrong with her. We don't deal with that very well.
The narrative that, "Help exists! You just have to ask!" is incredibly toxic and is often used to blame people for their own disorders. The fact is that meaningful help does not always exist in a form that is accessible, and often does not exist at all. You cannot protect your sister from having autism. But you can certainly make her feel bad about having autism, if you are not careful.
A positive thing you could do is to continue to learn about the experiences that AuDHD people have and productive ways to support them. If you understand the challenges she has it will be easier to be patient when she has difficulties. This may even lead to an understanding of how to effectively communicate the idea to her in a way she doesn't immediately reject.
Worst case, you grow your understanding for a large group of people that frequently have difficulty functioning in society.
Relax. It’s not contagious. Look after yourself and trust that your sister (probably) knows herself better than you know her.
Can I just ask... what in the hell is a wet bathroom saddle??
We have
saddlesandals for the bathroom.Put yourself in her shoes- it's a heavy burden to be right all the time, so she's got a lot on her plate already
You need to tell her that - admit you handled it poorly, & you're sorry, but it's because you want the best outcome for her. Regain some trust.
Then point out how so many people suspect it already, and that getting treatment for it will help hide the issue so she won't have the stigma from outsiders who don't care so much about her giving her grief. Nobody has to know except the family who already knows. Anybody else can be told her mannerisms before getting treatment were "just a phase" that she's now "grown out of."
Basically, put yourself in her shoes, and try to come up with approaches more compatible with how she sees things. Make sure you convince her that you're thinking like her, understand where she's coming from, and truly want to help her, not control her. Help her deal with this in a way that ensures minimal potential embarrassment.
It is getting dangerous to have an autism diagnosis in this day and age. It can also prevent you from being able to immigrate since it's considered a "disability". Unless she truly needs accommodations, it is not worth it.
I declined all my accommodations I was offered in school for my epilepsy for this exact reason. I’m already ostracized for it, why would I make it worse by furthering the divide between me and my classmates.
It's getting safer in some places, but i think you're right that OP is american
I never talked to a professional about it and I don't intend to. I don't need to pay someone to confirm what I already know especially since I'm absolutely not going to medicate it.
What are your reasons for that, if you don't mind sharing? I think I'm in the same boat.
There's nothing to be gained from it. I'm not going to start taking medication to fix what I don't see as an issue so at best they're just going to confirm something I'm already relatively certain of. I just don't see why even bother. Having a documented proof about a condition isn't going to benefit me in my life.
It sounds like you have quite an unusual and cool relationship with your ADHD. I'd be interested to hear more about it. It seems like most people emphasise the difficulties of having it, and would like to have medication to alleviate those difficulties.
For myself, I do share those difficulties but I also don't want to tamper with my brain chemistry for fear of causing other problems, or even of it backfiring altogether. So I don't really see what benefit a diagnosis would be for me, unless there was some other material support.
I also wonder whether I could do more to change my life/surroundings to accommodate myself-with-ADHD, instead of trying change myself to accommodate my life. I've tried the latter and it hasn't really worked, and I no longer really expect it to. I've now started thinking about what it would mean to radically embrace it. Perhaps you have some perspective on that?
It's just radical acceptance really. Having been dealt a bad hand doesn't mean you can't win - it's all about how you play that hand. I'm not going to start demanding a leg up or complaining that the system is rigged against me. Maybe it's not fair but it's life. Everyone has their nerfs and this is mine. Some things just are harder for me than for others but I try to find workarounds. I like who I am and I wouldn't want to be otherwise. Most of it does no real harm to anyone else. It just makes me a quirky person who sometimes acts a bit weird and doesn't follow social norms and that's okay. The stereotype of a "normal person" is not attractive to me anyway. Weird people are my favourites.
Awesome. Yeah there's no point getting stuck on a downer about things you can't change.
Has that always been your attitude or is it a conscious decision?
If I was in the same room, I would want to interrogate your assumptions and your desired outcomes here.
Nothing. Your said your piece.
For my son I told him that a diagnosis one way or the other would give us the information needed to put the right tools in his toolbox.
We tried pills, they weren't his thing so we stopped. But the IEP was invaluable. He hated the scratching of graphite on paper so the IEP said he could use erasable pen. Little stuff that made a huge difference.
On the bright side, I think you're making some really good and convincing observations for her being AuDHD, maybe if you write them down, one day it'll be helpful or convincing to her.
"Professional help" is overrated honestly.
Well. Like. It can be useful sure (particularly ADH"D" medication from what we hear, we've never actually had any though).
But it is NOT a thing to "fix" her, to make her like the gross textures, etc. (in case you were thinking it was). Just. No. It doesn't, and shouldn't, work like that. Ever.
What ACTUALLY helps is meeting other autistic/whatever people, and realizing that you're not A Problem™ for not liking gross textures, talking "weird", etc.
-- Frost
What the fuck is this ADH"D" bullshit? If you are implying that ADHD isn't a disorder you can fuck right off.
Some people believe that ADHD, autism, etc aren't actually disorders, they're just different ways of thinking. Which only makes sense if you ignore the often severe issues people face in daily life. To me, it's a problem if it's a problem, simple as that.
What's frustrating about the diagnostic criteria is, because they're "disorders", you only meet criteria if it causes clinically significant functional impairment in multiple domains. Which means if you're well accommodated, you don't meet criteria, and there needs to be a way to have/identify with the thing, without being disordered about/because of it.
I do realize my approach to this is not quite the same as the people who make blanket statements about these things not being disorders at all, but I hope my explanation helps folks understand where they're coming from
I feel like people who "aren't functionally impaired" are often just extremely good at masking, and don't notice all the problems they deal with anymore. So it's more like, they won't diagnose or treat you because you've adapted to your limitations too well.
I had to do this with my ADHD. If I told people I struggle a lot, but I can get by with a million calendar alerts and reminders, they just tell me to go home. But if I phrased it instead as, I struggle severely with remembering things and meeting deadlines and appointments, they're more interested. Then they ask if I have any supports, and I say calender reminders help a bit, but don't resolve the underlying issue. Same problem, different presentation, with an emphasis on what I can't do.
It sucks we have to do this to get noticed, but also I think autistic people like myself are prone to being "too honest" with doctors and accidentally down-playing our struggles. Like oh yeah I just don't understand social norms at all, but I get by and figure it out you know? Instead of, actually this often makes life really hard and is a huge barrier especially if I'm in a new environment.
It's your job as her sibling to tell her things she does not want to hear. Try to be understanding but let her know that she might regret not having done anything later on. That's time she will never get back.
Generally parents dictate a kids medical stuff until 18. does teen-ish mean older than 18. if so did it just come up. I kinda doubt it. why would the parents be concerned now and not look into it before or now if she is under 18?