67% of couples reported their relationship got worse after having a baby
https://familius.com/why-67-of-couples-struggle-with-their-relationship-after-having-a-baby/Open linkView original on lemmy.worldSyndicated from the fediverse. Read and engage on the original instance.
View original on lemmy.worldhttps://familius.com/why-67-of-couples-struggle-with-their-relationship-after-having-a-baby/Open linkView original on lemmy.world
22 replies
While I definitely think kids make relationships harder (I'm CF, for reference), a lot of people in already shitty relationships try a band-aid baby
Because they're dumb, but also because they're desperate.
It's a shit reason to have a kid, but I think this statistic, while accurate, doesn't reflect the fundamentals underpinning why some people breed
Got a few friends who are now divorced who had kids as the band-aid. You're %100 correct that it's probably not a cause of a relationship going south...more likely the relationship was already in the drain, and they try a child as a stopper.
It's an incredibly selfish act
And they wonder why the kids grow up resenting them...? 🤔
Oh so like the band-aid "open up the relationship"
lol
The stat is from parents of a newborn. Of fucking course they said it was hard and the parents’ relationship during the most difficult stage of parenthood. This is about as revelatory a stat as “Most couples say at least one additional person is living in their house after childbirth.”
EIGHT YEARS after the kid
https://lemmy.world/post/49714870
possibility of error arises when they consider that some of the children were 'band-aid kids'
Its fun when the kid is one parent's second kid, and the other parent's first kid. Because you have one parent treating the baby like a porcelain doll, while the other parent swings them by their legs and tosses them in the air (not necesarily a newborn for those antics) and generally has fun with them.
This is so accurate and always funny to see.
The first 2 years are really hard and absolutely stress a relationship. You have so little sleep you end up not really remembering it too well and that's why people have more than one baby.
How long does it take for them to sleep through the night? I'm so tired of the screaming and have no idea how to do this (emergency situation).
I think 6-8 months.
I personally believe a large part of this is how shitty lots of dads are. I have seen far too many fellow dads who did almost nothing to help with the baby after the baby was born. I know one case where the dad took out multiple weeks in parental leave and mostly spent it on playing video games instead of helping his wife with the baby. Of course that would ruin a relationship. If you were both healthy and had easy going lives then maybe you never really had to depend on each other before and this may be the first point where you actually NEED your partner. And if that partner then doesn't step up you of course would start feeling resentful.
The worst part about this is that it's so easy to be a good dad. Like
I want this so bad, but at 40 years old, I feel like I'm running out of time. I want my kid to see me as a superhero (at least for a couple years), not some tired worn out old man.
It's not too late for you. I have seen some 70 year olds in great shape both mentally and athletically. Start taking care of your diet and start being physically active now. And what greater motivation to stay in shape than being able to be there for your kids?
And even if you turn out to become a tired worn out man anyway I bet they would still appreciate having you than no dad at all.
Oh I'm in great shape, best I've ever been in! I'm even competing in a bodybuilding competition here in a couple weeks 😁 Kinda just makes it even more sad that I'm having such a hard time finding someone to have kids with lol like, damn, I guess it's been my personality this whole time
Douche bag dad would've been a douche bag partner.
Another outcome I've seen is dads who don't try being involved until the child is "fun" usually around 8-10 years old.
We had a non bandaid kid and have been happier, but also poorer and more tired. It’s a mix, but our kid is turning into a really good person and helper, and hopefully will be one of the corrective forces of the future.
Seems obvious to anyone who has kids.
IMO its a time thing. There's never any time for just you, let alone your partner.
Right after pushing a person out into the world? Of course that's not a relationship help. I was terrified of sex and then nursing tanked my usually high sex drive. Completely. But it's a happy time overall, or was for us, though we had healthy kids and easy time nursing so some of the things that can cause additional stress were not present.
Overall I'd say it was a help, we were happier together for longer than we would have been otherwise. And also I feel like the relationship got me something because now I have all these adult kids who are interesting and nice people.
Disclaimer: the above is not advice. Live your own life and don't have kids if you don't want kids, don't let anyone pressure you in any direction on that.
In my personal ancedotal experience it's 50/50, and I'm wiling to bet the one that didn't work out would have been fine if I had not joined the army.