::: spoiler spoiler I think I hit the last straw today, I have been really trying to get a job, hunderds of attempts and nothing, I finallly get an interview and I thought I did well, I did'nt turns out, I have nothing. On top of that my friends are now asking for rent, this was the one city I finally had some form of a support system now I have to move back home and leave it behind and return to a place I did not have any support system once so ever. I will likely need to quit hrt due to lack of funds. I am now thinking instead of suffering like I did alone for years, why not just commit. My plan is to create a massive scene to make everyone hate me, I will than disappear and commit in a random town far away from here cause I don't fucking care anymore. I am 2.5k in debt, nothing fucking matters. I have been holding out my entire life and shit never seems to get better. People just tell me well theres gotta be something postive in your home town :), but that comes across as a massive fuck you from someone who just was alone and cried in her bed constantly for years. and legit had nothing better to do than doom scroll twitter. I am humbling convienced that's as good as I am allowed to have based on karma from actions I did when I was 12-14. I know I am gonna get banned for this post but everything feels so loud. I chugged a monster and I started to have chest pain I legit didnt care anymore I just needed to feel something other than the numbness. I legit don't even know if I am real anymore and i LEGIT have no options anymore. I really doubt my friends would support me if I told them hey I'm sucidal they would likely just say we don;t know you like that and talk about how inappropriate it was to just drop that on them like that. I suck as a person I humbly believe that I deserve to be an unidentified jane doe somewhere. I also know I am very likely to be banned for this post but I really don't care nothing fuccking matters anymore I cwed this post as best I can I just can't fucking take it everything feels so loud ever since I read that fucking email, this is the millionth email I gotten like that :::

I think part of my hopelessness is that I am realizing hrt has not done anything to my face, I figured this out since I am still pretty recognizable. the only thing hrt has done for me is give me boobs, which usually results in hey dead name, you should loose some weight when i am recognized in public. I just feel hopeless and I want this nightmare to end.

started HRT in January of 2022, is it safe to say all major changes are done, and I'll always kinda look ugly and there is nothing HRT can do.

Also sorry I made a similar post where I had the years wrong I think.

https://imgur.com/a/6JkRV6X

I've been on HRT for 3 years, and I really have lost all hope that I will ever look like a girl or be gendered correctly or even just be treated with dignity. I'm really ugly and honestly I can tell, people lie and say well it's your personality that matters. It's really not that hard to see, and I am wondering if there is a point to spending 120 dollars a month, just for peace of mind.

Today I was scrolling social media and saw a trans gal who used to weigh 280 but now weighs 175 it reminds me that I'm 200 and raising (I don't have a scale currently) my HRT hasn't been working properly so I know that fat is going to masculine areas. Every time I inject I'm reminded what I'm doing is useless and my body will just raise my T or whatever the hell it's doing. I likely am just resistant to estrogen but I'll never know since I can't afford an endocrine doctor (maybe I should be on hrt if I can't afford that I don't whatever the fuck liberals (non leftist) say) I don't really have a community anymore, I'm set to have to move back to my hometown and I have nothing there. I just feel like my life never was worth living to start with but I feel like I've just lost interest in waiting and trying. 2 years ago I started HRT and my E levels are so off and on, it's never consistently working. I just feel like there isn't really any reason I want to be alive.

I'm so ugly and It keeps getting worse since I binge eat, I just fucking hate myself. I keep eating and I know it's actively making me look more masculine. And feel worse.

I feel like everyone eventually gets annoyed with me, and I just always end up alone. I loose all my friends, and Ive never really had a healthy loving partnership. I just feel hopeless

I keep injecting into the wrong spot. Usually how I know is it feels harder to push the plunger down on the syringe. And I bleed a little upon removal. How I find the spot is I feel different spots on my leg to see if it flexs, I find the spot and mark it. Disinfect it and inject. Usually turns out fine but these past two times I've been bleeding and harder to press down the syringe (as stated) and I don't know what to do.

Hey was wondering if you would be able to purge an image I posted from the cache. I deleted the post but its still cached as an image object and displayed on other instances

https://pricefield.org/pictrs/image/bb92d53c-0cd2-4d5b-91c7-9c0a18183de1.webp

https://imgur.com/a/gd8lhZo

The first photo is what I think is closest to how people realistically see me as. I just feel like socially transitioning was a mistake, and maybe hrt can't help me. Keep in mind at the point that photo was taken I was a year and many months in.

https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/2345596

I live in the south so I am a bit nervous to ask for makeup help at a store here in boymode, but I do need to pick my shades correctly. Is there any phone apps to help with this?

I am currently working on a small project, and I am working on getting it functional, but I question when exactly should I make commits. I usually just do it when I am done with working on it, but I know in practical projects often times commits are for one specific thing but given the project does not even work yet what exactly do I do.

I have been dealing with stuttering apps whenever the app is built using flutter, I can't really explain this given no one else seems to have this issue. Is it that the pixel 6 is weak sauce, graphineOS or something else?

Error [ERR_REQUIRE_ESM]: require() of ES Module /home/sky/Documents/hourlypets/node_modules/tsl-mastodon-api/lib/index.js from /home/sky/Documents/hourlypets/src/mastodon.ts not supported. Instead change the require of index.js in /home/sky/Documents/hourlypets/src/mastodon.ts to a dynamic import() which is available in all CommonJS modules. I am a bit confused, I did attempt to try to change from CommonJS to something else it broke my other modules I am using.

I'm looking for a non copro news feed to throw into my news feed. I really hate how all my news is major corpo sources that always side with cops and corpos.

I know I am likely decades away from having proper health insurance and proper cash flow to even consider getting FFS and likely will never happen, but I am still curious what exactly and how do you really figure out what you need exactly and how it will look once fully healed.

I read a post here a while back claiming that graphine is less private but somehow more secure. Of course the only person I have to ask is the graphine Matrix who claims are the opposite of this. Generally my main concern about Calyx is it's Fake google play thing. Apparently this is less private than graphineOS's sandboxed google play since it is still connecting to Google, and is just as privileged as Google play usually is.

I am currently working on a silly little project that will post pet's up for adoption every hour to mastodon. I am struggling with how I should structure the project.

Should I put every single step in it's own typescript module, like the main file calls the petgrabber function in petgrabber.ts after 1hr, than petgrabber calls the mastodon function in the mastodon.ts file, or should I just do a single file, or is there a way I am not thinking of. My biggest thing is them being interdependent on each other feels like it defeats the purpose of having them in their own file.

I have been getting this sickness roughly around the 20th of each month, and I am starting to wonder is this a period? I usually get nausea and a headache, and I feel like I might be a bit moodier, but this could also be a result of me being sick.