TL;DR- I'm swinging up and down because I don't feel like I belong to the family I once knew, and my parents are sending me weird facebook reels.

I'm so exhausted. It's hard to not be depressed or find myself thrown into a hypomanic state when I'm getting absolutely wild messages from my parents.

I love my family, and I will never disown them, but it can be rough when I know I can't talk about my identity, my friends, my work, or what I'm doing with my life now that I moved halfway across the US. Sometimes I'm financially struggling, but I'm also kinda dumb in that I keep gigging and creating events and shows that give me spikes in pay. I'm a musician and I think I'm taking off, but it's always hard to see that in the moment. I just remind myself that it will all make sense one day. I'm very different from my family- I really don't belong anywhere. Frankly it's a miracle I can pay rent doing what I do.

For a while in 2020, things were really rough. My mom and sister are very much TERFS, and my dad has been sliding more and more into the manosphere. What's strange is how my dad, who has always been the conservative wing of the family, was also the only one who told me he loved me when I came out at 16. My mom, who would always talk about her hippy days and how she doesn't like the GOP, was the one who wouldn't talk to me for 3 weeks after I came out, and when she finally did, she asked if I still was bi and I had to say no so I could have a mom. My sister was the one I thought I could talk to about it- but she was the one who told my parents. So I guess I didn't come out, I was forced out by the person I trusted the most. That said there were other times I could see them trying to be more accepting of my differences, but it just never felt authentic.

Recently my dad sent me an obviously Ai generated video showing a rabbi talking to the camera giving financial advice saying "jewish dads are better at raising their kids because they don't let them hang with poor friends" or "jewish dads tell their kids not to follow their passions" etc. He has become more and more "your wealth is your worth" and "greed is good".

As a bipolar kid who is living the full time artists struggle, it's hard not to sit with a feeling that my parents think I'm worthless. When my bipolar diagnosis happened, they treated me like a freak, and it was hard not to just cut them off. But I just can't do that- they are still the people who raised me. My dad is still the dad who can make me laugh harder than anyone. Before all of this, my dad was my best friend, I was moms little guy, and my sister was my partner in crime... but then it got weird.

It really showed in 2020 when the BLM protests happened. I went to 2 protests and didn't tell my family because that's when they were saying how BLM is a terrorist organization. When I moved home that year, I remember feeling I had a duty to talk to them about their views, but all it did was make them see me as "the woke left" and not their son. I know it's false, they love me and see me as their son, but I just felt so alien.

I ask myself all the time "Who are these people? Have they changed, or were they always this way and I'm seeing it more and more? Do they still think of me as family?"

I've been told that I need to practice self acceptance, but when the people who I consider closest to me won't accept who I am, I just don't know how I can do the same. Everytime I call crying because of something I did or my shame they always seem to speak with hesitation, trying to be kind but I can hear the judgement in the silence.

I've been creating more and more projects, sleeping less and less, and a lot of it has to do with the anxiety of being seen as a loser. I know I'm not a loser, but my body still feels like it is. I've been taking meds, but also medicating myself more.

I feel lost and alone.

Cold Turkey wasn't quite working for me, so I'm going to push back the time I smoke weed until I go to my parents for the holidays. They're anti weed so it should help give me a break.

Wish me luck pls.

I get that they are more space efficient and I will use them at the airport or a stadium, but to me it's just so degrading. Like this is a restaurant not the back woods- and don't get me started on the trough.

Also if it's empty in the restroom I might scroll Wikipedia in peace, and that makes me a scholar. The urinal? That's for ticktock at best.

I learned so much on the pot that I pretty much have 3 PhDs at this point.

Anyway I guess sitting down to piss is joked about as immasculating; but if spraying my pee like a rarely used showerhead setting across 3 toilet seats makes me a man, then I don't wanna be one.

Hey all!

I've been hired to put together some underscoring/ clipped up karaoke tracks for an 80s themed pantomime, and while I could try to put together pop songs from scratch, I'd rather be able to just download from YouTube or find plugins to put into Logic.

I tried using an Ai software to pull the lyrics out of Never Gonna Give You Up so I could just have the backing for the musical number, but it sounds like I'm running karaoke off of a 2004 Nokia flip phone. Any good places to start?

The nice thing as since this is pantomime it is legally protected from copyright laws as it is parody, if anyone cares.

Basically I started dating my roommate (risky I fucking know), and there have been issues that have been building up in my head, but when I want to talk about them, it either ends in her in an outburst of anxiety, or it's always a horrible time to do so.

A few weeks ago she went on a trip to LA for a family event, and before she left she said she'd clean the apartment and buy cat food. Well she didn't, so I had to do both, but when she came back she started crying because her dad was super critical of her and knew how to absolutely shred her confidence. I went into comfort mode because i couldn't start with "hey, you keep saying you'll clean but you don't".

A while back i had an outburst where she was trying to get physical but I just couldn't get it up because my mind was on how messy the place was. I started apologizing and crying and saying I need a clean apartment. We spent the rest of the day cleaning up, but when we were done I said "isn't that bette" and she said "well, I don't feel really any different but I'll do this for you".

A while ago at the start of the whole thing, I tried to call it off because I felt it was way too risky and frankly the initial excitement worn off, but when I tried to tell her, she threw a chair. When I talked to her about it a few days later, she said "at least I didn't bash my head into the wall" as her anxiety has let her to self harm before.

At this point I'm feeling like this might not be the best fit, but I'm terrified that I will push her to hurt herself. At the same time she said if I break up with her she doesn't want to be blind sided. I'm unsure how to show her I'm unhappy without her getting anxious and upset.

She's the kind of person who says what she thinks, and doesn't understand people who can't just tell people when they're unhappy. Frankly I wish I could do that.

Lots of backstory, so I'll try to create a timeline.

I met my gf 2 years ago when it was her first week in America- she's Irish. She was really into me, but I didn't feel the same. We dated for a week but I called it off pretty quick.

Fast forward, we reconnected when she began working for a daycare that I would come to to play music for the kids. We became friends again, and really hit it off platonically.

In October, I began a relationship with a sadist who was a real mindfuck- she tried to separate me from my friends and family, she told me I was dumb and ugly, had me pay for everything, and afterwards tried to start a rumor that I was a pedophile. I had to get a restraining order.

In January I broke up with her and decided I would be single for a bit.

But it wasn't even a month before I started dating another friend from my group as I came back into my life. She was the kindest person I've ever met, and frankly the only reason we ended things was that I eventually wanted marriage and kids and she did not.

In this time, my current gf and I decided we would be roommates, as good buddies. I honestly thought it would just be a roommate situation, and we began climbing and having fun together.

The week I broke up with my kindest girlfriend, I was absolutely devastated. At the same time, my current gf had broken up with her bf. In that week we were both trying to grapple with our new pain. We went to an art show where we did a bunch of shrooms, and at the end of the night we hooked up. Later that week at our housewarming party, my ex showed up (we actually were trying to be friends). She started getting touchy with me, but when I told her about what happened with me and my roommate, she stormed out and sent me the angriest text I've ever had. I fully agreed with her, and essentially I lost the best friend I ever dated. I'm still absolutely devastated from that.

With my current gf, we decided to continue to hook up "for the plot", but when I decided I wanted out, there was a fight and she threw a chair. I was so afraid that I chose to try and appease her by becoming closer. We became official, and moved forward in the relationship. She even came home to meet my parents, though that week she had an episode of CHS (if she smokes weed she can become violently sick) and ended up in the hospital for almost the entire time.

The thing is, I'm not really super attracted to her. If anything I was settling. But I was so afraid of her big temperament that I continued to be in the relationship.

The other night I was drunk and high, and we had been watching YouTube. She wanted to make out and I wasn't in the mood. After a while she got up and stormed off. I was surprised, but honestly should have known it wasn't going to be good. She asked me if I was attracted to her, and I decided to give a reason for my not being in the mood by saying she had gained weight.

Honestly she's not all that heavy, but I just felt I needed to say something. High and drunk it was a stupid thing to say.

After that it all unraveled. She came into my room demanding more of an explanation and I exploded saying how I'd been cleaning and cooking and taking care of everything and wanted her to be my teammate in the house. It wasn't happening and that week she was already stressed because her clown troupe broke up.

Now I'm trying to backpedal because there are many things I do like about her, and I love the apartment we've made. I know these are horrible reasons to be in a relationship, but right now my head is in "wtf is wrong with me that makes me do these things".

I lied to her about the whole relationship. I am just trying to damage control especially since I'm not in a financial position to move out. I don't like that this shallow side of me turned up. I don't like that I had a streak of relationships without room to breathe. I became a serial monogamist this year and none of this feels like me.

cross-posted from: https://sopuli.xyz/post/31500840

Why doesn't the US build a bridge here to connect Alaska to the mainland? Are they stupid?

It just feels like this is part of the flood but Trump overplayed his hand on this one. Still, I can't help but notice stories of immigrants being rounded up or Trump being allowed to fire anyone he wants are taking second fiddle to the Epstein stuff.

Why?

1. we blow up tons of shit anyway

2. we need to show fascists they don't own the monopoly on violence

3. Look up operation blazing sword- LGBTQ and BIPOC folks need to arm themselves these days. It doesn't necessarily mean owning a firearm in your home, but having knowledge of firearms and a local place to organize your community to defend against y'all-qaeda sounds like an okay idea nowadays

4. I fired a pistol for the first time two days ago and honestly it was fun