It is similar to updog

The officer feared for his safety from the guy running AWAY from him?

What kind of snowflakes do they hire for police officers over there? Did the poor little policeman get a juice box and a safety blanket afterwards to take a nap break from the big scarey world after he murdered someone?

Asher was fatally injured, in a sudden and unprovoked attack by an unwounded buffalo.

Uh, sure it was "unprovoked". Dude was just out there minding his own business and out of nowhere the Buffalo jumped out of bushes and attacked him.

I think it only fair that as the victor in the fight, the Buffalo should inherit this guy's millions.

the war is clearly going very poorly from all perspectives related to the original goals

Remind me again what the original goals were?

Maybe they are there to make sure the US Olympic team don't try and make a run for it.

Because Jessica won't respond to his messages

"Are you sure it was only 2 years? Those crows feet make it seem much longer"

I think you mean a .... Whaaaaambulence

You know what you need to get mortgage? A job.

Time for those 10 year olds to put their little hands to use in the new electronics factories and start earning their living!

Week 4: "It's Biden's fault we are at war with Iran!"

Reading the manual on the way home to get the back story and basic idea of how to play so when you actually started, you didn't have to sit through a 20 minute cutscene and another 30 min tutorial showing you how to jump. Just straight into the action.

I'm amazed that that required hindsight

I assume it is the Kool Aid Man

He is typically featured answering the call of children by smashing through walls or furnishings and then holding a pitcher filled with Kool-Aid while saying his catchphrase, "Oh, yeah!"

Step 1 - Learn to play the fiddle

Step 2 - Start raising baby goats

Step 3 - ???

Step 4 - Profit!

...don't make lemonade - make the Gods take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see the God's manager. Make the Gods rue the day they thought they could give Cave Johnson lemons. Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons. I'm going to to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

Why? I can already tell them what most peoples moods are when interacting with Meta products.

Anger, frustration, hatred.

There was the Valve Index

"Man, I really got to get to work. Let me just tidy up a bit before I go and move this steam controller of the couch aaaaaaannnnndddd now I might as well play some Balatro since the deck is on anyway"

Exactly, that is why he should have gone with the fake moustache instead.

Windows is a 32-bit hardware extension and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition