Pretty frequently my imagination will wander and then I'll start thinking of a game or show that I like and I'll imagine new story plot points and stuff. It's very visual and vivid to the point where I complete forget I exist in real life. While I'm doing this, without thinking, I start jumping, flapping my hands, and repeated flopping myself onto furniture. I only get brought back into reality because I eventually exhaust myself by jumping around too much.

I've always hid this behavior, but I've been caught a few times and whoever catches me is always like "What are you even doing? Are you okay?" So I feel like what I do is probably really weird to most people. I am Autistic, but idk if it's because of that or if I'm just weird cause I haven't heard of anyone else doing it. I'm curious if anyone else does this or something similar.

I just really need to vent. I've typed this whole post out at this point and I've considered not posting it because I feel like it's stupid. Feel free to not respond unless you really really want to for some reason.

I've been having a lot of panic attacks lately. I used to get them a lot as a kid, but I haven't had any in many years until a few months ago. I do have an anxiety disorder diagnosis and take meds but the attacks have been getting more frequent and I'm now at the point where I'm having multiple a day.

When I get them I try laying down for a while, but I never can because my heart is always racing so fast it feels like it's going to explode. I've tried timed breathing which works briefly but then I just start spiraling again. I can hardly sleep at night either because my anxiety is so bad.

I think part of why is that I got a CS bachelor's last year and I've put in a lot of effort trying to find work but the job market's fucked. I've been doing random odd jobs to get just enough to pay my loans. I so badly want to move on with my life but I feel very, very stuck.

Then of course, there's US politics and being transgender and autistic makes me very scared. Yet my parents don't like that I have an escape plan and they keep trying to insist to me that the US is the best country to ever exist and that it would be stupid of me to leave. It's so extremely clear to me that the US sucks and I feel like I'm going crazy living with them sometimes and I can't talk to them about it cause they really just don't get it.

So I texted my mom last night that I think it's likely that I have autism. Then she texted back that she has always suspected that I have autism since I was little kid and that she loves me. I felt very validated and happy that it went better than expected although somewhat upset that she never did anything to help me.

However this morning I woke up to a text from her insisting that I don't actually have autism and I'm just lazy and over sensitive and that I need to get over myself and I have spent a lot of time crying in bed today.

[TW: Transphobia]

She's done this before which is why I was so nervous to tell her. When I came out to her as a trans woman she initially said nice things to me, but then the next day she started ranting about "why couldn't you just be a gay man" or "no one will ever love you if you're trans." It took her several years to come around and actually accept me.

All I really wanted from her was understanding, but she just gave me a lot of self-doubt and sadness instead.

Edit: Thank you all for your support, I really appreciate it ❤️🫂