"Anyone can get a better job" /= "everyone can get a better job."

My review of Abarat by Clive Barker from a few years ago:

I'm 27% of the way into this book and I give up. If Clive Barker's name wasn't on it, I never would have guessed this was him. It is baaaaad. Nothing like his other works.

The prose is . . . childish. I feel like I'm reading YA written by a particularly untalented teenager. Protagonist Candy Quackenbush is suuuper special, we're told. She has weird dreams, unlike most people, apparently. Her teachers and peers hate her for no discernable reason, in the most unrealistic way possible. I mean, I have actually had a teacher yell and call me weird in front of the whole class, so I can say with authority that the school scene was ridiculous.

I guess people like this for the world building? I only care about that in stories that are told well, with compelling characters and events that unfold with meaning. Like Imajica. Or Weaveworld. Or The Great and Secret Show. Even books like Sacrament and Galillee, which weren't my particular cup of tea, were well told and constructed, engaging enough to keep me reading. I just can't believe this dreck was written by the same guy.

The Haunting of Sunshine Gilr by Paige McKenzie:

Made it 3/4 of the way through before losing interest entirely. The Young Adult tropes are way too much. This girl is just SO SPECIAL y'all. She dresses in vintage clothes! She reads Jane Austin and likes photography! She's CLUMSY. She's definitely not the typical pretty girl because her hair is so thick (never thin, I've yet to meet a heroine with alopecia).

She shows empathy to a child ghost who was violently killed. Don't you get how special that is? No normie- I mean normal human would do that. She's Not Like Other Girls. She's the chosen one. But of course she doesn't want it. In spite of relishing her outsider status, she goes through this actual thought process:

"I'd rather not spend my life helping spirits and exorcising demons. I'd like to go to college, get a normal nine-to-five job, have health-insurance and a 401k."

My old review of Jeff Vandermeer's Authority:

This book was equal parts boring and frustrating. Annihilation set up an interesting mystery while letting us experience the creep factor of Area X. Authority took us out of Area X and never let us back in. It suffered from three major problems.

1. Teasing the mystery without giving us anything. If Area X is a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle, Authority gave us maybe 2 or 3 piece to work on. And every time it brought up the mystery or made us think we were about to get an answer or even a new question--nothing. Just more "yep it sure is mysterious."

2. No action until the last few pages. So much boring inaction. Conversations that lead to nothing, the MC endlessly ruminating. There were two genuinely unsettling moments but the book needed far more of these.

3. The MC was awful. He's supposed to be a "fixer." He thinks of himself as understanding how people think and always being three moves ahead. Yet in Every. Single. Scene. He is baffled to find that the other person has out maneuvered him. It's like he thinks "I'm just going to put my hand in this nest of fire ants because if I'm not scared of them, they'll respect me. Ow my hand!" [Surprised Pikachu face.] I couldn't root for this moron.

Horny bunches of oats

Apple Jack Offs

Frosted mini teets

Cucky charms

Hineycomb

Don't blame me, all the good ones were taken

I'd put that in my facehole.

Knowing chihuahuas, in the cavity where you would expect a brain to be.

Scisters

I'm sorry, this one is giving mar-a-lago face.

I apologize for the offensive feedback.

The texture on that cow is amazing. It looks like it would feel velvety.

They came out beautiful.

Prints! Prints! Prints!

I would watch that crossover.

I did for a few years when I ate cereal regularly. Now I add it to yogurt with homemade granola.

Clothes sure, shoes no. Shoes lose the ability to properly support us with time and wear. Unfortunately, like bras, they need to be semi-regularly replaced. The adage is to always spend more on anything that goes between you and the ground (mattress, tires).

Similar problem when you're raised in a cult that tells you the world is going to end any day now.

My boy is 17. When he goes, I plan to get a stuffed replica to Cuddle. I should probably go ahead and do that, since he's achy and touch-sensitive now.

One of these things is not like the others.