Started tryng out Synfig for creating animations. Coming along nicely, with a few forgetful things, and unknowns, but still pretty good.
This is a depiction of how a Chronic pain sufferer's home can become a mess, or why something may be left on the floor longer than usual. It's just too much effort at that moment.
If I can find a way to show it, I'd add how Ed could get so used to things being out of place that he could walk around it without ever knowing he did. Sort of showing how chronic pain can leal to a learned behavior of not even noticing the mess much of the time.
Saw my ex had repaired the fence, joyously. Plus, all the house cleaning she's been doing, happily, and I realize, it was never because I didn't clean. It wasn't because I didn't have a job. It was just because I came home in pain in 2000, and got worse. I was weak.
Fuck! Fucking hell, that hurts. 25 years she basically strung me along, then made me leave when my pains and health were so much worse that I really can't just get a job and work...Fuck!
Well, to be fair, it's my fault. When her anger kept up while I was working, and when she wouldn't let me save money for a doctor, and when she wouldn't give me time to learn an easier career...I should have bailed while I could at least work part time....So so so so many years ago...I am so screwed. And my mental health is trashed right now...Come on spine, knee, stop it...Pretty please? Let me have a little free time? Please? Pretty please?
After my wife made me leave home, the first few days went well enough. Almost got a job once, but then, the pain started up, and just kept up. One gal at the Kansasworks place saw how bad it got, and just told me straight up that I should go back to my home town and keep working with the group that's trying to help me.
From the NSAIDs that I took in 21, plus my 51 years, I'm not a safe driver any more. Also, I have a fear of women. When I talk to those gals who are trying to help me, I get so freaked out. Sitting, standing, walking, it doesn't fucking matter. It all hurts so much. So much that I can't think, nor concentrate. How the hell am I going to learn a new kind of job if I can't think? I drop things. I forget things. I can't concentrate...Shit!
And to make matters worse, the fucking MRI, that I've been trying to get for so many years, that my ex just would not let me save money for, showed fucking nothing,. AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaargh!
Eh, my NSAID stomach issues let me drink a little drink, so I'm kind of tipsy right now. Living in my little niece's house...Fuck me! So sore...So tired...Fucking hell.
Eh, I got a meeting coming up with voc rehab at the social security place on Friday, so fingers crossed...I can find a way to live like this...Because if I can't cook, and I can't clean...I am going to go absolutely batshit insane.
End really really really piss poor rant, heh. This would be so fucking long if I were to get any more detailed...O_o.
I really need to keep away from the "Marriage is Bliss" themes, but, but butt I am fairly positive the severity of my pains may in part be in relation to how I was treated for these 25 years.
It really didn't take long. Pretty much as soon as I started coming home in pain in 2000, she started yelling at me. I couldn't talk to my parents, my dad had mental issues, and my mom treated me the same. So I really wasn't allowed to adapt to the pains. Any learning I attempted on my own was met with more anger.
Well, it wasn't until a few months ago that I finally realized she did not know a thing about me. Her knowledge of me, after these 25 years, was equivalent to a classmate that is seated next to you. Pretty much any hours I spent cleaning, taking care of the kids, cooking, gardening, etc was trumped by the few minutes she spent with me after work and away from the t.v..
Anyway, still looking for work while staying with a niece, and will try to get into a shelter a city over. Niece brought a kitten with GI issues, so I can't trust my knitting items I could sell on Etsy. Plus her AC units don't work well, so it is so hot in here. Plus her internet is extremely poor, so I can't do anything remote. Then there's my car, I have nowhere to store my house stuff, so I can't even clean out my car to do delivery jobs. Though I shouldn't be driving a lot anyway. Some NSAIDs I took in 21 in hopes to escape my wife have really messed up my mind. Oof!
Anyway, anyway, I am so so so so burnt out.
I hope at least one person out there likes these comics, heh. And hopefully they help at least one person come to terms with what they went through, if they happened to have had the same experience. It took me 25 years, :grimacing:
Spoiler Warning: This comic contains images that might upset some people.
::: spoiler spoiler
"Why doesn't she love me", is one phrase I hear over and over and over and over within my head.
:::
This one is based on two memories that are forever burnt into my mind, and I'd wager a lot of my inability to adapt to my pains is partly, or greatly in regards to a lot of things that went on during those times. I do know with absolute certainty that this is where I picked up my PTSD from just the sound of the television.
Back at the house I had two grabber claws because since about 2010, bending over is by far one of my more difficult tasks, 😮💨, and got much worse after 2017 (When I attempted to work full time. Only lasted three months before I snapped from the pains, 🙄 ).
And to make things more exciting and fun. It seems since 2017 the more mentally strenuous pains make my hand muscles forget how to work, 🫢 and boy do I drop things way too often.
This is the current one I'm working on. My ex had claimed for the past several years that the reason she didn't help was because I didn't work. I did attempt to tell her that no, she did that since the beginning. Meh, then she only snapped at me about bringing up things that happened a long time ago. 🤷♂️
I still have a lot to do on it, and I still don't have a stable place to live nor a job as of yet. So it will take some time before I can finalize it. At least it gives me something to work on once in a while.
When the pains began, I tried quite often to find a way to adapt for when they became worse. However, I was the only one who believed I was in pain. Thus, I wasn't allowed to have help.
Anyway, in the beginning the kids were all thrilled to help out, but as it goes, without the biological mother's help, it never lasted long.
Then, of course, after years and years and years of that, they began acting in the same manner as their mother. I still hear my youngest's girlfriend snapping at me "I didn't do it for you", when I said "thank you" for helping with the dishes.
These are some of the things that I set out on the chores lists over the years.
Pick up 5 things
Talk, joke, play with me to help keep my mind off of the pain.
Wash two or more dishes.
It wasn't a lot. Just very small things that would have helped me out. 🤷♂️ . Plus if kept up, that's all that'd ever have to be done.
Oof! Finally have a career I want to try for, case worker for chronic illness sufferers and abuse victims, but yeesh my pains have drug me down quite a ways.
It looks like the larger cities I'll need to volunteer for, which I presumed that I'd need to start out that way, but getting a place to stay for that time is not going as smoothly as it has been in my smaller (not-so-) home town.
The job hunt for something that won't cause my pains to push my mental state over the edge isn't going as well either. Lots of options for remote work, buuuut no reliable internet, or no reliable mental state (no way in hell could I think clearly enough living with my ex...I have found I have a lot more PTSD like symptoms than I thought...plus, it happens with every one of my family, not just with my ex-wife, FFS).
Been experimenting with my pains and the dizzy spells, (as I need to move out as soon as possible), and it turns out how many mistakes I make when the pains and dizziness hit is pretty damn high.
It doesn't matter what I do...well, it is definitely worsened if I bend over. Which can be about two days worth of work or just once. Very very erratic.
Anyway, when the pains hit, speaking will become incoherent. I'll drop things regularly. I'll definitely forget cleanliness, safety measures, and necessary conversation skills that'd be required for any kind of work.
Oof! This doesn't look good, but my wife is really getting pissed that I'm still here.
I really wish I would have thought of affordable apartments back in 2017. I was still in a lot of pain back then, but not this much. Son of a @!#$...🙄
As in another post a few days ago, I had mentioned that my wife was kicking me out, now it's wanting me gone, but I can stay a while longer. Anyway, my health is on its way down again, as it does. A couple pains really sore, a few more highly exhausting, and the NSAID GERD is making me terribly dizzy. Oof!
anyhoo, starting to forget things which means she's getting a little more harsh. So far it's a joking kind of anger, so not too bad, but I'm afraid it's coming, O_o.
Yesterday I left a wrapper on her computer, and had set out a couple old computers for a nephew to pick up. Today it was leaving a curtain open and I don't remember moving the couch out a few inches either, o_O. Oof!
Ringing in my ear is pretty loud, too. Oh, so dizzy.
I did see the doctor a few days ago, but I don't have a good feeling about this one. At least she'll get a ct of my stomach area, so fingers crossed I can get something done with the dizziness, as that's worse than most of my pains at the moment.
Yeah, this dizziness is getting worse rather than better. Words starting to slur, and eyesight has a slight haze to it.
Ate the wrong thing. Breathing fairly difficult. Bringing up a lot of phlegm. Dizziness really really bad...so tired, too. Falling asleep while sitting at my desk. This dizzy spell sucks, also means I won't be able to go to the sanctuary to visit my kitties. ☹
Early the next morning. Dizziness still bad, pains still bad, and she already threw a piece of trash at me that I have no idea where it came from. Hell, I'm so sore.
My wife is definitely trying to drum up the courage to kick me out. There's no other reason for that kind of anger. Yeah, it's the same things she's always gotten mad at me for, but not like this. It's forced, not her normal anger. I may have a job to escape to, but holy hell, I am in so...much...pain, and I only sat here off and on trying to find other jobs. Oof! I am so worried these pains will make it impossible to juggle a job and survive. Contrary to what my family believes, these pains are not fake. I am not lying about them. They are horrible. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch!
Erf! Sorry, this is just a rant. My mind is shot when these pains shoot up this high.
Even if I'm not getting kicked out (though, I don't know what else it could be considering her conversation with her father), I still need out. She's been extremely angry towards me, more so than usual, so I better get gone.
Since I'm right smack dab in the center I can go anywhere. I may have an opportunity for an apartment maintenance job, but I'm very worried about my pains not allowing me to do it. I can become seriously uncontrollable when they get bad, which I can be dangerous to be around. So I really need something that's very nonphysical. (Standing, sitting, walking, doesn't matter. They all can hurt excessively after 5 minutes or several hours, very erratic).
Also, I'll need to find real non-kill shelters or homes for my cats. I have four indoor (one of which will need to be put down), and one outdoor cat. They've been all fixed. So that would need to be en route to wherever I go, too.
These are the things I have that I can sell en route that should be able to make the transition easier (as I really can't just eat anything after some NSAID side effects).
Hoo boy! She's been extra hateful and mean to me for the past few days, and the latest ammunition I've given her is not fixing the screen door (and/or screwing it up) to her liking. My chronic pains and the medicinally induced GERD (dizziness, extra pains, ringing in my ear) have not been helping, so what happens? She snaps at me about fixing the door, and so I do (which, yielding to her abuse doesn't exactly make anything better, 🙄 ), and I just found out a moment ago I screwed it up again. The damn main door handle will latch onto the screen door handle. I really really did not feel like working on it today, and I shouldn't have, pppp! Welp, I can expect to hear her scream in the morning when she leaves.
Again, if anyone has a business somewhere one or two states away from Kansas and is looking for a broken man (physically and mentally), I'm your guy, 🤣 🤣 🤣 Oh hell! Am glad that I fixed a lot of my stress a few years ago, else I'd be a complete wreck right now, yeesh!
Welp, this group just popped up in my feed not long after finishing this for my granddaughter. It must be a sign, heh.
Godzilla aproves.
Unfortunately, there was quite a bit of puckering when I affixed the bias tape in the sleeve holes, meh, just have to wait and see how it looks when I can give it to her.
Also, found these buttons in a stash we had, and only one of them is upright correctly, heh. Meh, it'll be hidden by her hair, so not a big problem.
Mother of Popocatepetl. From Oct. 2021 til about Oct. 2023, the meds a doctor put me on for two weeks in 21 messed me up so bad that my tired pains were extremely masked by severe dizziness, but they came back last year, and damn, I still prefer the pains over what those meds did (and I still have some problems...Though, thank the Aztec gods I can eat some cheese again. That pissed me off, heh).
I am kind of seriously pissed off at the doctors. I spent so god damn much money trying to fix the shit their meds did to me, that I could have attempted to find a decent chair to help with these pains...or even a fucking cheap shed to have a place to work (to try and make more money)...God damn, so much fucking time and money wasted...Grrr!
End rant...Now try to relax and be very careful shoving my back buddy into my knee as hard as I can.
Note: This is a work in progress and just a place holder for jotting my thoughts down.
Disclaimer: This should not be viewed as being a legitimate source of information, and just as something fun (and I do find it fun, 😊 ). As well as I am getting older, and my hardware is fairly outdated, and the programmers are a joke. So expect a lot of this to be the mere musings of a madman.
I will be updating this, eh, as much as I can. Anyway, let's do this thing.
I have had this idea of writing Tzotzil (as it's the only Mayan dialect I know well enough) with the Mayan characters, and the following are the rules that I am attempting to adhere to.
Basics
Abide as much as possible with known Mayan rules and knowledge of their writing.
Standardize and simplify the characters as much as possible as if they have continual use into a college setting, internet chatroom setting, written novels, mathematical texts, technical documentation, or children passing notes in grade school.
If the need arises to create a character, use only what is known.
(And I've lost my train of thought for the moment. Ok, at least I got this part started).
What I'm working on at the moment is writing down the lyrics to Vayijel's "Kux Kux".
Top: Is a fancier writing and closer to the original Mayan.
Middle: Is a more simplistic shorthand which I am attempting to further simplify the codices written forms.
Bottom: Is a transliteration of the characters used.
Non Modified Characters
a, li, ku, to, la, e, me, na.
Modified Sounds of Known Mayan Characters (That follow Mayan rules).
vu <= huun (Huun is the Yucatec word for paper, which is vun in Tzotzil).
s <= u (u is the third person pronoun in Yucatec, and since there are several characters for the sound u, I repurposed one of those characters for s, which is the third person pronoun in Tzotzil).
Modified Characters of Known Mayan Characters (That do not follow Mayan rules).
xu <= nuuk (I have found a 'xu' character in my "The New Catalog of Maya Nieroglyphs Vol. 2", but haven't implemented it as of yet).
Since ku is spelled twice, I added an extra tail onto the character xu to reduplicate it across both ku characters.
k'o <= o embedded with the letter k'i.
The final word "svulanot", is spelled "s vulan[a] to" with "s" and "to" as affixes separated by a space to the verb vulan[a], but this may change once I start making it possible to write these characters much smaller (as should be for written novels, text books, etc).
(Ok, I've spent what little brain power I've had...Man, I hope I can remember this...I really really enjoy this kind of thinking, heh).
(Also, if ya'll have any questions, just ask. Maybe it will help this aging mind to concentrate a bit better...Anything is possible, 🤣 ).
Welp, I am pleasently surprised. Other than my legs hurting like mad, it really wasn't that difficult to make.
Unfortunately, the past two months my taste has been extremely erratic, so I can't say how this tastes, other than very beany (but I do know it should taste just fine. I've made gorditas with this same sweet bean paste for at least two years now. Tested with the wife, though, and the cinnamon I added is what is the strongest flavor).
As for the mayocoba beans, they were the best for making sweet paste that I could reliably find around our little city.
As for the recipe. Meh, there's nothing really to write down. I have never been a heavy sugar eater, and these health issues have made eating lots of sugar a bloody pain in the arse. So I added just enough sugar...(maybe, as I really can't taste the sugar right now. So I guessed, HAH!). A wee bit of cinnamon, and a pinch of salt.
mixed the mochi in a skillet, let it soak for a bit and rolled the sweet bean paste into balls, fried on medium heat, then low heat, then placed onto a pile of cornstarch, and went from there.
It really didn't stay as hot as I was afraid it was going to be. The bean paste could have used a light freeze/chill, or drying as most of it was too sticky to form the mochi. Plus, I should have made a slightly larger batch, as I tried to thin the mochi up which tore on several of them. Meh, live and learn.
I wish I could taste them to their fullest, but meh, it's my fault for trusting a doctor, HAH!
Just adding this an hour later to show how bloody erratic my taste is. Now the bean flavor is extremely faint and the sugar is very very strong. Now it's almost sickly sweet, 🙄, and I know I didn't add that much sugar to the bean paste.
I keep forgetting about the Lemmy groups, and my health sucks, so this post is just trying to make my addled brain remember these groups, heh.
Anyhoo, this project is for my elder son (if anyone remembers the Vault Boy one I made for my younger son a few months back), and I'm attempting a few new tricks.
I stapled this monks cloth to a painting frame. It does look like I'll need to do some tightening once I'm done, though. So I hope I can figure that out.
I painted the outside, eyes, and mouth, and I do like how the mouth and eyes make the fabric pop.
I found a larger needle that came with a kit on one heck of a sale at Hobby Lobby, and that is what I'm using. However, it is a tad too large for the yarn I got. So quite a bit of it looks rather frazzled, :thinking:.
And I'm attempting (all-be-it a poor one) flow. (I have no idea what the proper term would be, heh, but it's where the thread leans in one direction, or flows along a line so each row...erm...flows with every other row. (Oof! Well hopefully you can understand that gibberish, HAH).
Meh, regardless of the issues (and boy can I not draw worth snot) it still looks pretty darn good. Now for the body...:grimacing:...The proportions are just a tad off, but it'll have to do.
woops! Guess I didn't post about the Vault Sweet Vault here...Well, here's that one.
