Kid seeing others privates at school
Parents of Lemmy, looking for insights and advice.
My 4 year old started kindergarten this year and up until now everything has been going great. He's been fully toilet trained since he was 2.5 and hasn't had so much as an accident since then.
Last week he peed in his pants, then again Monday and Tuesday this week. I asked him if something as going on and he kept kind of brushing me off like he was embarrassed so I'd drop it and just move on while keeping a close eye.
Last night he told he's been seeing other kids penises in school and he doesn't like to use the bathroom because of it. He went on to name 3 different boys and 1 girl who he's seen in the bathroom at school. There's a single bathroom in the classroom, just a room with 1 toilet and a sink. From how he tells it, he'll be in the bathroom and the teachers aid will bring in another kid who needs their diaper changed, and he'll see them getting changed and they'll see him going to the bathroom.
From day 1 we always made sure he knew that no one was supposed to see or touch his private spots, and even made a stigma of me and my wife touching him down there once he was old enough to do everything himself. A few months ago we had to put a cream on him down there for an unrelated medical thing, and we made it a point to not do it in a private room and make it a hush hush thing, and instead I'd announce to my wife that i was applying the cream and we'd do it in the living room. He'd ask why we were doing it and I'd explain that the doctors needed us to do this for a little bit. So he's very aware that his penis is private and no one is to see it, and if anyone tries to he needs to tell us.
So he's very uncomfortable with this whole setup at school, he doesn't want others to see his stuff and doesn't want to see others, and there's no reason to, he doesn't need any help in the bathroom.
If this was a one time thing, say a kid had a bad accident and needed to get in there ASAP, sure that would make sense. But my son has said it's a reoccurring situation and it's causing him to have issues going to the bathroom.
Something I just realized while typing this. He stopped eating his lunch, we pack and the past week or two there's been a lot left in his lunchbox when he gets home. He's said a few times when I asked him why he didn't eat that he didn't want to have to poop, then eats a whole meal when he gets home. I chalked that up to him going through a phase since he goes back and forth between eating for an army and not eating much pretty frequently, but now I think it might be connected.
So parents, is this how kindergarten is? Is this something we just have to talk to him about and tell him he's gotta get used to it? This isn't like kids being kids and a kid did something inappropriate, it's the adults putting kids in a situation where they're exposed to other kids.
It's 2 teachers in a class of 15 which sounds like hell, but there's no way I can wrap my head around how this is appropriate.
We did send a message to his teacher explaining our concerns and asking if we could have a chat, in person or on the phone, and try to figure out what's going on, mentioning we weren't sure if this is normal protocol as to try and not come at her too hard since teachers do gods work. We got back a very dissatisfying generic "I appreciate your concern and will keep this in mind" email with no answer to any of our questions or really any indication that she even read the message.
I responded and asked for a proper conversation again a little more stern.
Did I miss the memo on this one?
7 replies
The teachers missed the memo on this one. I read this horrified. Are the kids allowed to walk in on the teachers going to the bathroom? Are teachers allowed to walk in on the other teacher going to the bathroom to change a diaper? If they can wait for a teacher, they can wait for a kid.
If the teacher doesn't reply, go over their head and don't feel bad about it, privacy is privacy, age doesn't matter.
If you missed it, then so did I. Not once have I heard or seen teachers in kindergarten do this. It sounds like your son is really distressed about this.
Is this is a daycare setup with kids needing their diapers changed? In my area of the world, kindergarten is the first year of formal school and for 4-5 year olds who are already potty trained.
I'm really curious what the teachers respond with to your concerns here.
Oh it's pre-k 4, not technically kindergarten but he's in the same Elementary school building in a classroom right next to the kindergartners with kids 4-5 years old, I don't know how the age cut off works at all but I remember someone saying there's kids in pre-k who are older than some kids in kindergartners. I guess at a certain point you can choose to keep them in pre-k for another year. I've just been calling it kindergarten since he's started and it pretty much is so no ones really corrected me. Of all the available preschools in the area this is the most "advanced" as far as having kids do school stuff instead of being a glorified daycare.
Still I was surprised to hear kids were in diapers and had to look it up. The district changed the rules last year because so many kids who signed up weren't toilet trained.
I'm just glad he told us instead of internalizing those emotions and acting out.
Ok, so, while I understand your concerns about bodily autonomy, pre-K is still very much preschool. If a lot of kids are still 'bathroom learners', and especially if there are still kids in diapers (!!), teachers generally have to aim for getting kids to the bathroom as quickly as possible over privacy. That being said, if your kid wants privacy, especially if he's avoiding eating or using the bathroom because he's uncomfortable, he should be able to have that. "My kid doesn't want to use the bathroom at school because he doesn't like other people walking in on him; how can we solve this?" should get you a long way.
If you are concerned, you could follow up with your kid about in what context he is seeing other kid's body parts. Obviously, kids deliberately exposing themselves to each other would be inappropriate, but if this is all in the context of using a shared bathroom that sounds fairly normal in a preschool setting.
I think this is an important part to keep in mind. My daughter had issues as well with shared restrooms in school, and then when she joined the swim team she was shocked at how many other kids would shower and change in front of everyone in the locker room. One girl on her team even has a few friends help her into her suit, which my daughter found very odd. We explained to her that it's normal to change / shower in a locker room, and that if she doesn't feel comfortable changing in front of others, then she can find more modest ways to change (use a towel, go into a stall, shower with her suit still on, etc) but she shouldn't make anyone who does feel comfortable changing in the open to feel bad. And we also stressed that she shouldn't stare, make comments about other's bodies, or use her phone in the locker room.
On one hand I think it’s possible that you’ve overdone it on the privacy of the private parts thing. I struggled a lot with that when I was a child and teen. It was less of an understanding of “no touch” and more of a “this part of me is embarrassing and nobody should ever see it” and it took a long time for me to get past that and understand everyone has genitals and few people care about them. It is a difficult line to navigate.
On the other hand the teachers should do a better job of respecting the privacy of the students. A check in is fine, but why change a diaper when someone’s already there? Wait 2 minutes! And I think a strict gender separation is probably warranted. Maybe they learn about it in school or maybe not but either way it’s not fair to be an unwilling exhibit on either side.
Maybe you could tell your kid, that he is doing nothing wrong, if other kids are alright with beeing naked while he is in the bathroom. If he feels uncomfortable, the preschool should find a way to accommodate his needs. Guess it depends a lot on the country. In my child’s daycare, they have kids from 3-6 years. Most of them can use the toilet by themselves, some need held wiping, some still need their diapers changed. They have a big bathroom with 2 closed cabins and 2 completely open toilettes plus a half protected corner for diaper change. They told us, some kids like privacy, other like to have little chat while on the shitter. And think that’s alright. Children at that age don’t sexualize each other, but some are still courious about each others genitals, because children are curious. My Children are taught they can decide who can see their privates (accept we’re talking medical reasons, then they only can decide if mom or dad ( or sometimes grandma) are touching them, and in which room, but not IF they are treated) and that there are place they are not allowed to be naked. (Generally in Public and around the kitchen, dining table etc, except group showers at the pool, beach, etc.)
I also think, it’s important, that naked children and their kindergarten teachers are never ever alone in a room where no one can see or hear what’s happening.
(Sorry if this is a bit all over the place. I just took 90min to get my kids to sleep, I’m a bit done for the day now.)