Cutting people off
I hate that I do this, but there are friends/acquaintances in my life that I would mask around, and my mental health and general motivation has been very bad lately, meaning that when they reach out to me, I just don't have the mental stamina -- which I usually had -- to open that message/take that call and reply to them. We were friends sort of out of inertia from the past, and I was kinda hoping we'd drift apart naturally, but they keep calling me even though I told them that my mental health is bad rn and I'd reach out later. I just want to be left to be depressed in peace rn plus seeing them again I'd have to address my compounding guilt of ghosting them, and that's something I'd have to mentally barge though. But it's not their fault that I'm tired 'of them', so it's a tricky situation and I feel like a terrible person for it ending the way it does.
12 replies
The ones that keep calling are the good ones.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Being in that situation sucks, and I can’t realistically tell you “just don’t feel bad about ghosting them.” Or “just swallow it, mask, and call back.”
But take it from someone farther down that road, who’s habit of ghosting/checking-out trashed their life:
…Reply back to some, with bluntness about your situation, even if it’s just a text. If you need some isolation, tell them! Unload! Tell them your mental battery is dead and needs rest, you cant do stuff right now, or whatever you need to say.
It’s healthier, and it will feel way better than ghosting.
The key is to be straight about it.
Sounds like they might be trying to keep in touch because you told them you're not doing well. If they know you're depressed, they probably just want you to know they care about you. People are usually pretty nice. If you really want to be left alone though, I'm sure they'll understand if you take the time to explain how you're feeling. I bet they just don't want you to get hurt
um , it sounds to me like your friends found out you're depressed and are trying to stay with you and potentially take care of you.
i understand not wanting to stay friends with ppl who you can't relate with, but you didn't mention that being the case.
if your guilt (addressing it) is a big obstacle, maybe you can try postponing any "reckoning" by pretending for a while like the ghosting didn't happen, since your friends don't seem too butthurt. it's possible they actually don't feel ghosted and you don't need to feel guilty. if it turns out they are upset about it, there will be time to apologize. no need to get all in your head about your own potential sins and the proper procedure for amends/reconciliation
edit: i also have severe RSD, generalized anxiety, and social phobia (my triggers are different than yours). your description of your train of thought all sounds familiar to me. it often feels really uncomfortable and wrong to ignore the RSD voice but sometimes it really is telling us mistaken interpretation of situations.
Generally friends that keep calling especially when times are hard are good friends. You can try masking less around them and they will either not care because they are your friend or will be driven away (which while unfriendly, is the thing you seem to want to happen anyway).
If they still reach out knowing that time are rough, they are consciously and willingly signing up for the “OP unfiltered experience”. You should consider if you can use the help.
Sounds like the solution is to stop masking around them. That will either end the relationship as you want, or it will change the relationship for the better.
Maybe telling them your mental health is bad is only making them more concerned / wanting to be there for you? Maybe tell them you need some space instead? If you make excuses for your behavior, you might lead them to believe you're still interested in a friendship, when you're really not.
Deeper thing is, you shouldn't feel bad about being tired of them. Many friendships drift apart naturally, and it's rarely because of something somebody did wrong. It's also not always mutual. Now I totally understand not wanting the confrontation. Ghosting is honestly the easiest middle ground.
As always, guilt is the core emotion that makes ADHD so hard lol
Are you me?
In certain ways, yes 🙃
He can't be you because I'm him.
pro-tip, make friends that are okay with you not masking. You're filled with anxiety about their feelings on the matter. You're a good person, but you're not doing yourself or them any favors. Just be honest with yourself and with others. Life goes much easier if you turn down the masking and let that act as your social filter, naturally.
Next time they ask, be honest and set some boundaries. "I don't really feel like it because every time we hang out, I have to pretend to be someone I am not and this sucks for my mental health. I feel guilty ghosting you when you ask. I don't want to be an asshole, but I would appreciate if you would respect my wishes and wait for my reach out." This gives you an out if you change your mind later. This acquaintance might not really know you well enough to infer your intent from your behavior. They may even be concerned for your well being given you mention depression. This blast of honesty should either let you drop the masking and gain a new friend, or deter further contact.
Obviously it depends on the friendship, but I wouldn't say this unless you've done some evaluation of the phrase "have to". I think it's pretty easy to get so used to doing it that you overlook when it might not be necessary, and that could read a bit hurtful to people who really care. Just omit that phrase and it sounds more blame-agnostic. Maybe it's more fair or maybe not, but I know which side I'd rather err on.