Good god this is absolute peak comedy

While this is pretty funny, there's also this horrifying detail at the end of the article:

What’s likely more of a risk for undocumented individuals is face recognition and commercial ad data. ICE officers can feed a photo of anyone into a facial recognition app called “Mobile Fortify,” monitor social media with apps like SocialNet, and look at vast troves of commercially available location data without a warrant. One surveillance app that includes ICE on its client list is Penlink’s Webloc, a tool which can pull advertising geolocation data for entire neighborhoods and search through photos to locate individuals with face recognition. Penlink explicitly advertises one of its data sources as Tinder. In May, Politico reported that ICE published a request for information (indicating interest in a vendor) to expand use of “commercial Big Data and Ad Tech providers” in investigations.

Imagine, hiring entirely incels and then telling them beware of women willing to date them.

So is this implying that ICE is OK with same sex dating, or that there are no female ICE agents?

Ah yes, I remember how there were women who lured SS officers to their death this way during the second world war.

Nice to see this technique has not been forgotten.

I love the article's description of trad wives:

"...conservative women who dress like the women in The Sound of Music, but without the opposition to the Anschluss."

This is the same FBI that is now overlooking incidents of bestiality in applicants, as of this week.

“I’m trying to understand why you did this,” [Republican Senator John] Kennedy told Patel. “We’re having a tough time attracting agents, good quality agents we all can trust … Why would you even get into bestiality?”

Patel said the change was recommended to him after he saw various “cases” in which qualified FBI applicants were denied consideration because they had been forced into bestiality as a result of human trafficking.

Ngl, I had a very confused hold the fuck up, what the hell are you even saying second there. Apparently I am not alone:

“I say this with respect to the person who recommended it, why didn’t you just say: ‘What planet did you parachute in from?’” Kennedy replied.

And all this in the same week. Coincidence? 🤔

“The tactic is intended to generate public embarrassment and deter immigration enforcement activity,” the FBI added. It did not provide any specifics on where or when it observed the supposed doxxing operation, and conceded all information in the memo was “not finally evaluated intelligence.”

The origin of the warning may well be a thinly sourced January 2026 post by the New York Post, which cited two TikTok posts from women stating they were using dating apps to identify ICE agents, as well as a single post by another female user urging gay men on Grindr to do the same. That post itself was inspired by another post from LibsOfTikTok, a homophobic and racist account that is ultra-popular with conservatives. The FBI wrote in the memo its information came from a “collaborative source.”

So a couple of people on the Internet joked about this and the FBI took it seriously.

"We hired you because we knew you were cronically unfuckable. Now that you have a taste of confidence and a good paycheck, we can't have some broad giving you a reason to question your role in the gestapo."

Incels, Cowards, Embarrassments

Anyone wanting to date an ICEhole is a piece of shit, fucked in the head, or someone who wants to compromise them. And I'm happy that's their only choice, because it's the least they deserve.

is that what the bestiality clause is about?

I guess this is why Kash Patel needs to get that bestiality stuff passed.

I would distrust any woman who would date an ICE agent, too.

FBI added to this same warning, but animals too, instead of just women. /s

I mean, unless ICE agents are active war thunder players, women are the biggest threat when it comes to leaked intel

People who really care about trump become eunuchs for maga.

As a bonus, whatever small bit of meat is cut off of you can be mixed in with the ground horse, dog and rat meat that trump is bringing in from South America for that discounted maga meat that walmart is selling.

Should that not be the other way round?

Wow my last post is a lot more fucked up than it was funny and actually has me wondering : What if they started doing forced conscription for the "for-life," prisoners or prisoners on death row to be ICE Agents?

Who needs dates when they just rape everyone they want to.

This lemming warns women not to trust any ICE agent trying to date them.

“Seriously, can you imagine a woman wanting to be seen dead with you, much less alive?? Have you seen yourselves recently? You’re all dressed like CoD cosplayers who only left their mom’s apartment last week!”

How far have we come from 2000's Hollywood movies bigging FBI up

Only trust goats, sheep, cattle, horses, dogs, and donkeys.

I feel the Onion is behind the times.

ICE is the new proud bois.

On one hand I was hoping they were willing to do the WWII Nazi French Résistance thing and bed them for intel to pass on to the effort. Though, granted, that's super dangerous.

Also it may be that HUMINT is obsolete with data scraping.

On the other hand I'm totally impressed people have come up with this ploy in the first place.

That's good advice.

Appropriately crossposted to nottheonion lol. This is like a real life version of Lysistrata.

Я спйнаж! 😈